Fear. Such a simple word with far-reaching consequences. Fear is so natural. So sudden. And so hard to control. Fear can be paralyzing, suffocating, and can literally bring death. It takes on many forms and strikes each of us in different ways. Regardless of how little or silly the fear may be, when it strikes it is debilitating.

Fear came knocking on my door last night. In all reality, its been knocking for a long time. And I think I may have let more than one foot in the door. And then I realized that what I thought would be a short visit in my heart had become a little more than that. Fear had moved in. It took up residence in my heart. Fear's baggage was beginning to squeeze the life out of me. Thankfully, the Lord was already beginning to shed his light on my heart and the need to kick fear out.

Unfortunately, fear was not to willing to leave. In fact, last night, fear along with his buddy oppression tried really hard to convince me that possession was nine tenths of the law and refused to leave. They tried so hard to enslave me and hold me prisoner. But then that light of truth from my master began to shine through and set me free.

I wish I could say that in an instant my heart was freed and I could breathe again. It is only now hours and hours later that I am beginning to breathe again. My heart was seized by fear. Paralyzed. Life was being sucked out and I was panicking. I asked the Lord why after battling all day through scripture and prayer the fear still was there. Shouldn't it just go away? Shouldn't the Lord just remove it? I asked him to...why didn't he? Then I realized that if he did I would soon find myself right back here. Instead, the Lord is teaching me how to take him at his word, how to obey, and to choose to believe truth. So I think this battle for my heart may continue for a little while. But honestly, I don't want it any other way. When this battle is over, I expect to stand in victory...fully confident in my Lord. No longer afraid. I have asked him to make me bold and courageous. I think I may have to walk through the battlefield to gain these character qualities. Some things are worth fighting for, don't you think?

This morning, after the terror of the night, I began to really diligently seek the Lord for his perspective on all these things. The night had been full of nightmares and a feeling of oppression had filled the house. I desperately wanted to get up, turn on all the lights, and spend time reading the word. But I honestly was too afraid to even get up out of bed. Seriously, it was that paralyzing. The puppy was crying at 2am the exact time that the worst nightmare ended and then Mya started crying. I made Shawn take the puppy outside.. there was no way I could go out. The next few hours were spent praying, asking the Lord why there was so much fear, begging him to take it away, trying to understand the dream, praying for protection, peace for each of my precious family, friends.

Gently, the Lord revealed to me some of the underlying reasons for my fear. Through the vivid nightmare, I realized that I had allowed certain thoughts, fears, memories, circumstances past and present to take me captive. I was bound in the dream and facing certain death. In the nightmare I was not able to call out for help. I realized that I have some deep trust issues. And that there are certain issues that I don't trust the Lord in at all. Its hard not to be afraid, if you can't trust the one who promises to protect you. He also showed me that these fears were holding me back from what He has planned for me. There is so much he wants me to experience and fear is preventing me.

This morning in my quiet time I searched through the bible for the Lord's truth about fear and how to conquer it. I am going to share some of these here tonight. As I process this in the coming days I will share more on how the Lord ministers to my heart. Please, friends, please pray for me in this area... I am desperate to be set free. I am desperate for the Lord to replace fear with a supernatural courage. I think it is going to be a tough fight...I need you to battle with me.

God's truth about Fear:

You must not fear them for the Lord your God himself fights for you. Deuteronomy 3:22

Be strong and of good courage, do not fear or be afraid of them, for the Lord your God, he is the one who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6

I will fear no evil, for you are with me. Psalm 23:4

I sought the Lord and he heard me and delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble, therefore we will not fear. Psalm 46:1-2

The Lord is on my side, I will not fear. What can man do to me? Psalm 118:6

Whoever listens to me will dwell in safety, and will be secure without fear of evil. Proverbs 1:33

The fear of man brings a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord shall be safe. Proverbs 29:25

Strengthen the weak hands and make firm the feeble knees. Say to those who are fearful hearted, "Be strong and do not fear!" Behold, your God will come with vengeance, with the recompense of God, he will come and save you! Isaiah 33:3-5

Fear not, for I am with you. Be not dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

For I the Lord your God, will hold your right hand, saying to you Fear not, I will help you. Isaiah 41:13

Do not fear. Do not be afraid. Isaiah 44:8

Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame for you will forget the shame of your youth. Isaiah 54:4

O man, greatly beloved, fear not. Peace be to you, be strong, yes, be strong! Daniel 10:19

According to the word I covenanted with you when you came out of Egypt, my spirit remains among you, do not fear! Haggai 2:5

He said to them why are you fearful, o you of little faith? Then he arose and rebuked the winds and the sea and there was a great calm. Matt 8:26

To grant us that we being delivered from the hand of our enemies might serve him without fear, in holiness and righteousness before him all the days of our lives. Luke 1:73-75

Do not fear, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom. Luke 12:32

For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, Abba, Father. Romans 8:15

For God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

So we may boldly say The Lord is my helper, I will not fear. What can man do to me? Hebrews 13:6

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. He who fears has not been made perfect in love. 1 John 4:18

Do not fear any of those things you are about to suffer. Rev.2:10

Do not be afraid, stand still and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will accomplish for you today. Exodus 14:13

Have I not commanded you? be strong and of good courage. Do not be afraid, not be dismayed for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in you. Psalm 56:3

You shall not be afraid of the terror by night... Psalm 91:5

He will not be afraid of evil tidings, his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. Ps 112:7

When you lie down, you will not be afraid. Yes you will lie down and your sleep will be sweet. Proverbs 3:24

Do not be afraid of sudden terror, nor of trouble... Proverbs 3:25

Behold God is my salvation, I will trust and not be afraid. For Yah, the Lord, is my strength and song. He also has become my salvation. Isaiah 12:2

Peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you, not peace as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. John 14:27

Ok, I admit it I am a big chicken! I am also so very weak when it comes to certain things...fear is paralyzing for me. There are so many things that I miss out on just because I am afraid. I hate this. I really do. It would be one thing if it was over some huge thing...but we are talking little things that make me feel like I can't function or breathe. So when my child is freaking out over one of those little things I totally relate. My heart breaks for him. I get weak willed and find myself too quick to give in or to rescue...only problem is that my anxiety over the situation prevents me from even doing that. Its quite the problem, I must admit.

Add to that fear, all of the guilt, feelings of failure, worry, frustration etc and its a deadly combination. Prone to slide downhill pretty fast. I have got to get true perspective and get it fast or I am doomed. So, here I am...tonight feeling actually pretty good. Why? because I didn't give into fear. I didn't get angry. I didnt add to the massive meltdowns taking place in my home. Thank God that he whispered to me that I needed to leave. Thank God that he gave my husband the strength and patience he needed to deal with everything in my absence. And thank God for starbucks and friends that help add to the perspective I needed. And thank God for the many people who immediately went to their knees for us.

I will go into detail more on a later post about these silly fears. But just wanted you all to know that we are ok. My weird bout of throwing up yesterday evidently was more than some fluke thing...Brittney came home early from school after throwing up. Shawn is not feeling well. I don't know how the rest will be tomorrow. By the time we got home today, the kids were all tired and hungry and Britt was crying. The stress level was high. Add to that Jason losing his homework and Josh losing his toy from the treasure box. Jason completely freaked out. He decided he just won't be going to school tomorrow and locked himself in the bathroom. He was crying, screaming, and frantic. That one went from bad to worse. Then Josh started crying over his toy. And in the middle of all of this, Jon told me he wanted one kind of cereal, changed his mind after I poured and then proceeded into melt down mode when I said he couldn't have the other cereal. I gave in, poured him the cereal he wanted but it was too late...he was biting himself, crying about how mean we were, etc.

It was too much for me to handle. So I left. See all I could see was visions of Jason from school years past. SO full of anxiety and fear that he would become terror stricken and refuse to get on the bus. refuse to get in the car. refuse to stay in the car ( he tried to open the door once while we were driving.)having to pry him off of me in the school office, half dressed and screaming and crying. And here we were not even a full week of school and the anxiety was returning over a lost homework sheet. I can't handle that right now. Especially when I didn't want them to go to school in the first place. So I had to leave. and trust that Shawn could handle it. And he did.

That's the short of the story...more another day. Just want to thank you all for continuing to pray us through the little things that feel so huge.

Lunch for the second day of school! Not the prettiest presentation or photo but fun anyway, right? In the right hand corner are three mini turkey tortilla roll ups. In the muffin cup is half of an oatmeal cream pie. Next to that are three strawberry mice eating a cheese wedge. String cheese separates the fruit from the main "entree", which is uncooked ramen noodles for a spider web accompanied by three spiders. The spiders are made from rice balls (they taste like broccoli cheese casserole since they are made with broccoli puree and sweet potato puree. So if they eat them they will get veggies too!) and have chow mein noodles for legs. I included a small container of ranch dressing to dip the spiders and roll ups in. I hope that they will eat it and have as much fun devouring it as I did making it.

First Day of School!

Jason had his appointment with the endocrinologist today. He was so worried about having to have blood work done but he did such a great job. I love this doctor...he has such compassion, he listens, he takes notes, and he remembers. He sees Jonathan as well and genuinely cares about him and our family.

So here is where we stand today: the bone age shows a delay of about a year and half which is good for him. It puts time on your side to be able to catch up. There is the possibility that he simply is going to be a late bloomer. But the doctor said the findings show reason to pursue testing to figure out what is going on. Jason has stayed at the 10th percentile for a long while in height. But the chart shows that he has dropped down into the 3rd percentile. The doctor said that normally in just late bloomers they stay on the same percentile. And when you drop below more than one line you start to wonder what is making the growth abnormal.

They did many different blood tests including thyroid function to rule out any possible causes. If these all come back ok than we will do a 4 hour growth hormone test. There are so many things that affect growth so we just start here and keep going until we figure out the cause. It takes about 10 days to get the test results back so we will know more then.

Been here...Done this...and so thankful to know that the cause is not a tumor in his brain. The rest we can deal with.

Thanks again for all your prayers.

My favorite scripture from Isaiah:

(needing to refresh my heart with God's word tonight)

"Stop doing wrong,learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow. Come now, let us reason together, says the Lord. Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow, though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool. " 1:17-18

" He will teach us his ways, so that we may walk in his paths." 2:3

"Come, O house of Jacob, let us walk in the light of the Lord." 2:5

"Stop trusting in man..." 2:22

"Tell the righteous it will be well with them, for they will enjoy the fruit of their deeds." 3:10

" It will be a shelter and shade from the heat of the day, and a refuge and hiding place from the storm and rain." 4:6

"Then I heard the Lord saying, Whom shall I send? and who will go for us? And I said Lord, here am I. Send me!" 6:8

"If you don't stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all." 7:9

" Don't call conspiracy everything that these people call conspiracy; do not fear what they fear, and do not dread it. The Lord Almighty is the one you are to regard as holy, he is the one you are to dread. " 8:12-13

" And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace." 9:6

" Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation." 12:2

" On this day...he will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove the disgrace of his people from all the earth." 25:8

" In that day they will say, Surely this is our God; we trusted him and he saved us. " 25:9

" You will keep him in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you." 26:3

" The path of the righteous is level. O upright one, you make the way of the righteous smooth. Yes, Lord, walking in the way of your laws, we wait for you; your name and your renown are the desire of our hearts. My soul yearns for you in the night; in the morning my spirit longs for you." 26:7-9

" Lord, you establish peace for us, all that we have accomplished you have done for us." 26:12

" In repentance and rest is your salvation. In quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it. " 30:15

"Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!" 30:18

" O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. " 30:19

" Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying This is the way; walk in it." 30:21

" The fruit of righteousness will be peace. The effect of righteousness will be quietness and confidence forever. " 32:17

" O Lord be gracious to us; we long for you. Be our Strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress." 33:2

" Steady the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way; say to those with fearful hearts, Be strong, do not fear, your God will come, he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come to save you. Then the eyes of the blind will be opened and the ears of the deaf be unstopped." 35:3-5

" He tends his flock like a shepherd; He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young." 40:11

" Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. " 40:28,29

" So do not fear for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. " 41:10

" For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear I will help you." 41: 13

" fear not, I have redeemed you, I have summoned you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the the waters, I will be with you, and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire you will not be burned, the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." 43:1-3

" Since you are precious and honored in my sight and because I love you..." 43:4

" Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past, See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up, do you not perceive it? " 43:18-19

" I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake and remembers your sins no more." 43:25

" Remember these things, O Jacob, for you are my servant, O Israel. I have made you, you are my servant: O Israel I will not forget you. I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you." 44:22

" Turn to me and be saved, all you ends of the earth, for I am God and there is no other." 45:22

" They will say of me " In the Lord alone are righteousness and strength." 45:24

" You whom I have upheld since you were conceived and have carried since your birth. Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you. I will sustain you and I will rescue you." 46:3-4

" I am the Lord your God who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go." 48:17

" I am honored in the eyes of the Lord and my God has been my strength." 49:5

" For the Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones." 49:13

" Can a mother forgot the baby at her breast, and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands." 49:15-16

" Because the Sovereign Lord helps me I will not be disgraced. Therefore have I set my face like flint and I know I will not be put to shame. " 50:7

" He who vindicates me is near. Who then will bring charges against me? Let us face each other! Who is my accuser? Let him confront me. It is the Sovereign Lord who helps me. Who is he that will condemn me? They will all wear out like a garment; the moths with eat them up." 50:8-9

" You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. For your maker is your husband- the Lord Almighty is his name!" 54:4-5

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord." 55:8

" You will be a crown of splendor in the Lord's hand, a royal diadem in the hand of your God." 62:3

It figures that I would come home with great news to share and then have my bubble of excitement burst. Isn't that how it works? Jon's appointment went really well. His blood counts are still on the border of ok... his platelets are low but they have been lower. His white count is low so that bothers me a little...not much room for them to fall next week. This chemo has a "surprise" drop 2-3 weeks out from treatment and this is where we have started to not recover so quickly. I am worried about the kids going to school and bring home all those fresh germs. Hand Sanitizer will soon be greeting them as soon as they arrive home!

The psych appt went really well. This was Shawn's first time meeting him. Its funny because I don't think the dr honestly remembers what he says from week to week. This is scary too..good thing I am on top of things and that we have a great team of drs to keep up with everything. He didn't even ask why we chose not to put him in the program. He did talk about the program and shared with me how some of the structure of the classroom is and paralleled it to how I am starting to structure things. That made me happy...God does know after all what is needed and lead me to exactly the right information. So for now we press on with what we are doing and wait for a few more weeks before we mess with any of the other meds.

In two weeks we go back to oncology and have our next MRI. So until then we wait and as the psych dr said we celebrate this small victory before we move on.

Well, my celebrating lasted just a few short hours. We picked the kids up from Mamaw's and went by the store really fast. Josh was in a grumpy mood and was provoking Jon. Jon was tired from the trip and not feeling so well so he was easily agitated. When we arrived home the bomb exploded and left me in tears...Jon lost it because his toothbrush is missing. He called the toothbrush every awful name he knows and was coming unglued. I attempted to cue him to use the cooling down strategies and it didn't work. He escalated to a verbal rage. I quickly attempted to give him his evening meds to help calm him down. Usually I can easily get the meds in but this time he was trying to cough so the meds and his stomach contents would come back up and out of the tube and of course in my face. When that didn't work, while I was waiting for Shawn to bring me the syringe plunger so I could force the meds through Jon spit in my face. You can only imagine how it went from there... I am going to kill my mom. I hate her. I hate this mom. I hate this family.

I just left him in his room to scream horrible awful things. In the meantime the rest of my kids were reacting and having a hard time getting to bed. Josh was frustrated trying to express what he needed to share. No one was obeying. The stress level went through the rough. Shawn was frustrated and getting angry. And I stood there and with tears pouring felt an overwhelming need to run. Then the assaults started on my mind and my heart and the tears poured and all I could do was cry out for my Lord, the one who brings truth and comforts my aching heart.

These are those times when my world feels so incredible lonely. despite the amount of people who are there ready to support and help. It just hurts too much. Its paralyzing and in that moment there is really nothing any one can do but pray for me. pray for my family. Its a desperate feeling to all of sudden by spiraling down to the pit of despair and be screaming out for truth to rescue you.

In these moments though is when I know my Jesus more intimately than I have ever known him. These are the times when he whispers his love in my ear. When he takes the sword from my hand and tells me to stop fighting as he wraps his arms around me and holds me close. There with my head rested upon his chest, I am hidden from all the attacks. Sheltered from the lies. And his heart begins to beat truth back into my heart. His words tell me its ok. They tell me that he has a purpose. He tells me that I am more than ok. That he made me, he chose me, and he loves me. Jesus whispers the words that I long to hear...the words that free the secret desires and the unspoken longings. The words that tell me I am right where he wants me to be. The words that remind me that it is He, the great and mighty God, who is carrying me tonight in his strong and capable arms. My name is etched upon his hands. He can't forget me. He can't reject me. He can't leave me here to face this all alone.

Its times like this when I am at my weakest and am hurting the most that I know more than ever that I am truly his child.

Thank you so much for all of your prayers for our family. For the moment, calm has returned and I hope that it will stick around for a little while. The kids start school next week. Jason, Josh, and Britt will be going to a brand new charter school. I have mixed feelings but I am sure, despite my personal sadness, that this is what is best for them. They need a life outside this house and a place of respite for themselves from this nasty disease. I know they will enjoy making new friends. I worry about many things educationally because they all three are a little behind, especially in reading and writing. This is because of the dyslexia. I think there is just a part of me that isn't looking forward to the battle that might be on the horizon as I advocate for them.

Britt was in tears of her spelling the other day. She is so worried that she will get an F. I told her we don't care as long she tries her best...but her perfection requires perfect scores. I think we may be in for a rough year. There is such a fine line of balance that lies in enabling them to deal with the real world and wanting to rescue from the pain of the cruel world that we live in.

So yes, school is going to bring relief and hours of quiet but it will bring new challenges, new time commitments, and even more on my already full plate. And just wait until the snow starts falling and I have to drive them to school...that's a story for another day...I just keep telling myself that it will be ok. I have to continually guard my mind against viewing them going to school as a sign of failure on my part or something stolen from me. I pray the Lord keeps reminding me that this is best for them.

On the other side, I am excited about having time just to spend with Jonathan and Mya. Jonathan made a lot of progress in school last year and I am hopeful that he will continue this year. Maybe even more since he will have my full attention. He is so eager to get started. I plan on having him go to Zach's Place or Mamaw's house once a week so I can have a day with just Mya or just by myself. I am learning how vital that is for us to survive.

Tomorrow we go to see the psychiatrist with Jonathan. I am taking Shawn with me as I fear this may not be the best appointment. I don't want this dr. to think that I am a difficult parent...just want him to understand that we have to do what's best for Jonathan and the entire family. As we have prayed about it, I feel as though the Lord is leading against the day treatment program. Instead, I feel as though he has shown me some other things to do instead. Some of this is scary for me because it may not work and I don't want to be wrong. And I don't want to say...God told me to do this and then have it fail...and give God a bad name. Does that make sense? Talk about having to grow in faith!!!

Basically, my plan is to saturate Jonathan in prayer and God's word first. I believe that God can change and minister to him despite his illness. I know when I spend time with the Lord my perspective is different, my ability to cope is greater, I am just changed by his presence. He is that powerful that just time with him changes us. I don't think this is the cure totally without any other changes...just feel led to trust God in a deeper way than I have in the past. This has been one of those areas that I for some strange reason really didn't believe that God's word remained true in . In addition to this we are changing some of the ways we parent and respond to his meltdowns. This involves teaching the entire family how to use cues to prevent episodes. Involves alot more attention and intervention on my part but worth it if it brings peace to our house. I am still researching how this all will work but already there is a change in my home. I think its because we are proactive and have quit being despondent.

Really no one knows what to do with Jonathan. But I am determined to not give up. I will keep trying anything and will keep seeking the Lord. He knows the answer!

We just finished the fourth cycle of chemo. 4 more to go! So far so good...but we will see how he is in a week or two when his counts start dropping. Please pray that as school starts that God will protect my kids from illness. Jonathan needs to stay well.

I will update tomorrow after the appointment.

If the world spins fast enough, can you be thrown off of it? It certainly feels like that is what has happened to my world lately. Things have officially spun out of control. Right now, there are so many emotions flying around that I can't even go there...but I will let you know what we are facing right now. Overall, Jon is physically good. His blood counts are starting to suffer from his chemo. His platelets are quite low right now and the other levels are staying low. But we are pressing on with chemo next week. That makes me tired already just thinking about it!

The psychiatrist is trying his hardest to figure out what to do to help us. There are no easy answers and no easy explanantions. For right now, we are going to attempt to remove the medications he is on and start over. For reasons I don't quite understand they are thinking inpatient is not a possiblilty for this unless he completely loses it and ends up in the emergency room. Everything I have ever read or know of, recommends in these situations doing a med wash inpatient. So this makes me very nervous. At the same time I actually asked them to do this. Jon has been on medication since the year after his first surgery... so we really don't know what he would be like without them or with less or different meds. And at this point I am willing to do anything.

Unfortunately, the hardest part about the dr's plan is that they would also like to put him in a day treatment program. I am not sure how beneficial this would be but they want to try anything that might have the possibility of working. Its only a few weeks probably but it would require staying in Denver or driving back and forth every day. Worth it if there is a benefit but I just don't know that there will be. This possibilty has already caused great emotional turmoil. So I don't know what to do.

Please pray for us. We are already very emotionally spent, tired, and frustrated parents trying so hard to do what is best for all of our children. And honestly, I am not sure what that is anymore. My brain is on overload as the battle continues to rage. I need truth to hold on to...and this is the time when most of what is true goes out the door. So I am clinging to what I know is true...but my grip is slipping. Please keep praying.

My heart feels like it is being torn in pieces. I don't know why but I am having a hard time coping these days. Feeling like an emotional roller coaster. I don't even know how to describe what is going on...just today several times over nothing Jon has erupted in a violent tangent of words mixed with biting or hurting himself. The conversation usually go like this: "I hate you, I hate you you stupid fat head brat jerk. Everyone hates me and I hate them. I want to kill everyone. No one makes me happy. I am going to dunk everyone in water and make them die.This family sucks. I don't want to be in this stupid sucky family. " Then moments later he is being "best brothers" with the one he just attacked. There is no trigger that can be avoided because everything is a trigger. My head is swimming in a desperate search for help and my heart is aching because I see this child and want to help him and can't. And I feel so awful for seeing death as his only way out. I want God to deliver him, heal him, and protect my other children. I know he can but I am having a hard time hanging onto his promise tonight.

I once wondered and told God that I would not deny him ever. I thought for sure I would be able to look at a gun pointed to my head and not deny my Lord. I knew I could take his word and love to anywhere risking my life and not shrink back. I prayed for opportunities to "prove" my commitment to my Jesus. I just had no idea that this would be the way I would be chosen to prove it...to face moment by moment this horror knowing that God could take it away at any moment but he doesn't because the He knows that his will is better than what I ask for. So though the tears pour, and I feel overwhelmed, tired, afraid, confused, and hurt I won't walk away from the one who endured so much more just to call me His.

Please pray for us tonight and through the weekend. I take Jon to Denver in the morning...sinus dr, oncology, and psychiatry. I am going in with my fighting shoes on.

Its another late night for me! I am waiting for laundry to be done so I can finish packing...Brittney and Jason are going to camp again tomorrow. This time they have the incredible opportunity to attend Camp Eagle Lake through the Navigators/Glen Eyerie. This is so exciting!!!! We can not wait to hear what God will do through and in our children's lives this week.

The other kids are going to Mamaw camp for a couple of days. They too will have a wonderful time and will spriritually be nutured. I am so blessed to have a wonderful mother in law who takes her role as grandma seriously.

And I will be completely honest- I get to spend a couple of days with no kids. This is the one thing I am looking forward to the most. I am so ready for a small break to rest and refresh. I can't wait to sleep!!!!

Anyway, thanks to all of you who have prayed me through the past couple of days. Your prayers have been answered and the Lord is my truly proving himself to be faithful in being my strength.

Reminders of God's grace, blessing, and sovereignty are flooding my life right now. I have no other way to explain it. Its been an intense ride these past few months with the Lord. Sometimes its hard to even put words to what He is doing. I just know he is alive and breathing life into me. I finally feel as though the Holy Spirit has centered my life in Christ and a peace that has been missing for so long has returned.

Its funny though that my heart feels so alive and so excited when circumstances have been and continue to be so bleak. This just further convinces me that intimate time with Jesus changes our perspective. My circumstances have not changed. But my outlook has. My child is still sick. The possibility of death still looms on the horizon. The destruction this horrible disease has brought into our lives still exists. Time with Jesus has transformed my perspective. What was nothing but defeat, failure, and sadness has become a challenge, adventure, and an opportunity to see just how big our God is and what He is able to accomplish.

Once Jonathan was diagnosed, I had pretty much accepted that there were things that we just would not do. So many dreams died that day. Recently, though the Lord has begun to show me that there is nothing impossible for Him. Why does this diagnosis have to change what God has called our family to do? Maybe it is just part of the plan. Maybe God wants to use this child in his way to reach people we could never have had the opportunity to reach had we not been walking this road. One of those dreams that "I" decided was to always be a thing of the past was missions. Those of you who know me, know that this is something that lies at the heart of who I am. Through a series of events and time with God, I believe that he is showing us that this dream is not impossible. I don't know anything more than that. I don't know if one day the Lord will allow us to return to the mission field to live there or just to go on short term trips. Or to lead others there. I just know we are to prepare. That is God's word to me now: to use this season of my life to prepare financially, spiritually, and physically.

What some of you might not know is that it is Jonathan's dream to go to Peru. When we were deciding where to go for his wish trip, the first thing he asked to do was go to Peru. We didn't go there but it has never stopped being something he says he wants to do. This child loves Spanish. And here we are in Colorado where there is a large population of Spanish speaking people and Jonathan seeks them out and sings Spanish worship songs to them. You should here him in the doctor's office's. Its incredible. So my prayer is that the Lord will make a way for us to take Jon to this country that he loves one day in the near future.

I am constantly reminded that God's ways are not my ways and I will be forever grateful for that. Sometimes it can be years before we actually see why the Lord chose things to be why they are. Sometimes all we get it is one word from the Lord guiding us and we have to choose to obey or to disobey that word. Sometimes it makes no sense and sometimes his way hurts. Sometimes he tells us no to something we really want or that we think is the best for us. I have been thinking lately about what might my life had been like if I had had my way and not God's way. Somethings are yet to be seen, but here is just one of those things I might have missed out on.

Special friends. God has worked a miracle lately. It is a picture of incredible grace, forgiveness and the working that only he could do. He has brought two families together that in all likelihood would have been the furthest from ever being friends much less share the connection that we do. There are five children in both of our families. The way our children have connected is so incredible that it is like God created them to be friends. Everyday that they are together blesses my heart because I see how God's no answer 15 years ago was in part because he was preparing in advance a yes answer to our prayers for friends for us and our children. See 16 years ago I was engaged to these other children's dad. We both thought that was God's way but God said no. Had we chosen to disobey, we wouldn't be enjoying the intimate fellowship that our families have today. I would not be experiencing the joy of the friendship with his wife. There would not be these 10 incredible children who God has an incredible plan for. The list goes on and on of how life would have been different had we not obeyed the simple no we were given.

There are so many ways. I am going to make a list soon so I can remember what God has done.
I better go get lunch ready. Thanks for sticking with me through this long post of random thinking.

This article is something I am very passionate about.
Misdiagnosed: Knowing When and How to Advocate for Your Child

There is so much going on that I would love to share with everyone... I just haven't gotten it all formulated in my brain yet. Still trying to digest it all. to say the least I have a new found joy and excitement that seems to be outweighing the bad days. I will share soon. I promise.

In the meantime, if you have a few minutes will you please click on the articles below. You don't have to read them unless you want to. I am trying to work diligently towards our goal of getting out of debt so we will be ready for what God wants us to do in the future. But since I can't really get a job outside of my home, I am trying to write as many articles as I can. In most cases they pay per view so I need as many views as I can get. Thank you for your help!

Gluten Free Chicken and Dumplings
Camping at Colorado Campground
Literary Motifs in Lord of the Rings: Return of the Kings
Photos of Manitou Lake in Woodland Park, Colorado
How to Make Good Bread Using a Bread Machine
How to Make a Rubber Duck Themed Baby Shower Cake
How to Make Gluten Free Chocolate Chip Cookies

Here we are again...in Radiology waiting for Jon's MRI. I can't believe we are already 3 cycles into this treatment. Time seems to fly by sometimes. We start this cycle of chemo tonight. I guess you could say we are plugging along. I guess we don't have a choice but to wake up each morning and live the day we are given. Honestly, there are days when I would prefer not to wake up. But by the grace of God we make it through one more day. One more hour. One more minute.

Its been a rough week. Jonathan has entered a manic cycle again. This morning he was awake before 4 am. The melt downs are more frequent and more severe. The mood swings are almost constant. Its scary. I am not sure what we are going to do. The options are hard. Continue to live life the way we are and hope that everyone makes it through in one piece. Find some kind of respite that gets Jonathan out of the house during those high stress times of the day. Consider inpatient hospitalization until they can figure out how to stabilize him. These options scare me. I am not willing to give up yet. I can't relinquish my child to someone else. But still the problem remains...how are we all going to live through this and maintain some sanity.

One option that I have found that I am ok with is respite. The problem of respite is money. There is a facility here that Jon has gone to and does really well at. But even though it is on a sliding scale fee, it still amounts to more than I have. His medicaid waiver will pay for some respite but no one in town will take it because the reimbursement rate is so low. I am trying to figure out a way to work out Jon going at least three days a week during the summer to Zach's Place- the center that provides respite. It would probably cost $60 a week but it would be worth the cost if it prevented him from being hospitalized. It would be worth the benefit. The hospital is trying to help us out as well. Please pray with me that God will provide the money for this.

I am afraid that without some relief, our family is going to crumble. I have not felt this unable to cope with Jonathan in so long. It is such a tormenting, desperate feeling to need help and have no way of getting it. No one knows what to do to help him. The drs don't know. Medication is not working. I don't know how to explain it....yesterday, I felt so overwhelmed after 3 meltdowns. I just wanted to feel sorry for myself but I can't. I have to do something about it.

I know that God wants to use all of this for his glory. I know he has our best in mind. I know that his love is perfect and able to cast out my fear. I know all these things. I just need to see it. I am praying for God to open my eyes. I am praying for God to grant me his supernatural strength, his perspecitve, his peace, his patience, and his creativity. I know he will provide. He has to. He has allowed this disease to invade our lives, so I have to believe he has a plan and in his time he will deal with it.
Thank you for joining with us and supporting our family with you love, prayers, and encouragement.

Fun with Friends and Family!!!!!
My sister and her three boys have been visiting with us for the past few weeks. It has been so much fun to be together and get to know each other better. Her husband finally arrived to spend this last week with us so we all got together for a night of fun. It was so special to all be together, along with several old friends from the past. All together we had 8 couples and 17 children!!! I could not have been any happier!

Alex's Lemonade Stand
Our homeschool co-op did a lemonade stand for the Alex's lemonade stand event. They chose to do it in honor of Jonathan. We spent the day there with all of our friends. Jonathan was so excited to see his friends from school..especially one of his best friends Dakota.

Some pictures from Camp Wapiyapi: I am waiting to get the pictures the kids took and the pictures from their companions. But here are a few of when we dropped the kids off.

The Sweetest Hockey Player Ever.... this is from the last tournament a couple of weeks ago...gold medal winners!!!

Its been a while since I have updated this blog. There has been so much going on. Unfortunately, there is so much I can't share. I want to. I want so badly to be able to put words to all that is going on in my life and my heart. Some things are best left unsaid. I am so thankful for all of you who have continued to pray for me and my family and to encourage me with your words even though you have had any idea what has been going on.

I want to tell you that we are ok. Its been an emotional roller coaster these past couple of months. A lot of stretching and growing spiritually. I am sure that as time goes on I will be able to share some of this. One thing is for sure... I am so thankful that God is my solid rock. He is unchanging and always a refuge for my wounded heart. Without him my heart would surely die.

The kids just had an incredible time at camp. The companions they each had could not have been chosen any better. They really touched my kids lives and from what we heard when we picked them up- my kids touched theirs. It brought tears to both of our eyes when we watched the interactions and heard the stories about how our kids "made" the camp, how incredible my kids were, how Jason kept everyone laughing and never stopped smiling. We all cried as we watched the kids and companions cry as they said goodbye. I am so thankful for this camp. I think in the near future these people and this camp will become even more important to my three "cancer" siblings. A lot of the companions are either siblings or survivors themselves. They have walked the road my three have to walk and I pray that somehow the influence of these new friends will make this road a little easier.

It was really hard for me when they came home. I wish there was a way we could live "camp life" all the time. Reality sucks. It really does. Within minutes of getting in the car, Jonathan began his melt downs, Jason began crying and had an outpouring of nastiness, and Josh erupted in anger. They were all so tired. But it was not the only reason for the nastiness...it was just a huge reminder of how living with this horrible disease and its aftermath has affected us all. I keep trying to figure out a way to rescue everyone. To help each person make it through this time unscathed. But I can't. And that is what makes this even harder. Its like watching mass destruction and knowing you are powerless to do anything. It feels like its getting harder and harder for me to cope with Jonathan. Joshua. Jason. and Brittney. I desperately need to be able to point them to the true rock because this mom will never be a rock that can be depended upon. I am crumbling.

I guess the details of the past few weeks don't matter so much. Its the lessons of obedience that really matter. That's what has been so emotionally hard lately. Lots of situations where I needed to obey God despite the outcome. Lots of risks. Lots of consequences. Sometimes following God is not easy. Sometimes you look like a fool. Sometimes God calls you to do something, and you take off in that direction only to have him change your path halfway through making you appear as though you truly didn't hear God right the first time. Sometimes you have to step out and be vulnerable even when the other person is not willing to be. Sometimes you have to stand up for whats right knowing it will cost you...maybe even cost you your siblings, your parents, your friends. Sometimes you have nothing left but knowing you heard God and that you obeyed him. sometimes you have to let go of another person and trust that God is able to rescue them. Sometimes obedience costs all you have.

So that's where I am tonight. Broken. Sad. Hurt. Tired. But totally confident in a God who can do far more than I could imagine.