Thursday, August 20, 2009

Ok, I admit it I am a big chicken! I am also so very weak when it comes to certain things...fear is paralyzing for me. There are so many things that I miss out on just because I am afraid. I hate this. I really do. It would be one thing if it was over some huge thing...but we are talking little things that make me feel like I can't function or breathe. So when my child is freaking out over one of those little things I totally relate. My heart breaks for him. I get weak willed and find myself too quick to give in or to rescue...only problem is that my anxiety over the situation prevents me from even doing that. Its quite the problem, I must admit.

Add to that fear, all of the guilt, feelings of failure, worry, frustration etc and its a deadly combination. Prone to slide downhill pretty fast. I have got to get true perspective and get it fast or I am doomed. So, here I am...tonight feeling actually pretty good. Why? because I didn't give into fear. I didn't get angry. I didnt add to the massive meltdowns taking place in my home. Thank God that he whispered to me that I needed to leave. Thank God that he gave my husband the strength and patience he needed to deal with everything in my absence. And thank God for starbucks and friends that help add to the perspective I needed. And thank God for the many people who immediately went to their knees for us.

I will go into detail more on a later post about these silly fears. But just wanted you all to know that we are ok. My weird bout of throwing up yesterday evidently was more than some fluke thing...Brittney came home early from school after throwing up. Shawn is not feeling well. I don't know how the rest will be tomorrow. By the time we got home today, the kids were all tired and hungry and Britt was crying. The stress level was high. Add to that Jason losing his homework and Josh losing his toy from the treasure box. Jason completely freaked out. He decided he just won't be going to school tomorrow and locked himself in the bathroom. He was crying, screaming, and frantic. That one went from bad to worse. Then Josh started crying over his toy. And in the middle of all of this, Jon told me he wanted one kind of cereal, changed his mind after I poured and then proceeded into melt down mode when I said he couldn't have the other cereal. I gave in, poured him the cereal he wanted but it was too late...he was biting himself, crying about how mean we were, etc.

It was too much for me to handle. So I left. See all I could see was visions of Jason from school years past. SO full of anxiety and fear that he would become terror stricken and refuse to get on the bus. refuse to get in the car. refuse to stay in the car ( he tried to open the door once while we were driving.)having to pry him off of me in the school office, half dressed and screaming and crying. And here we were not even a full week of school and the anxiety was returning over a lost homework sheet. I can't handle that right now. Especially when I didn't want them to go to school in the first place. So I had to leave. and trust that Shawn could handle it. And he did.

That's the short of the story...more another day. Just want to thank you all for continuing to pray us through the little things that feel so huge.

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