Sunday, June 14, 2009

Its been a while since I have updated this blog. There has been so much going on. Unfortunately, there is so much I can't share. I want to. I want so badly to be able to put words to all that is going on in my life and my heart. Some things are best left unsaid. I am so thankful for all of you who have continued to pray for me and my family and to encourage me with your words even though you have had any idea what has been going on.

I want to tell you that we are ok. Its been an emotional roller coaster these past couple of months. A lot of stretching and growing spiritually. I am sure that as time goes on I will be able to share some of this. One thing is for sure... I am so thankful that God is my solid rock. He is unchanging and always a refuge for my wounded heart. Without him my heart would surely die.

The kids just had an incredible time at camp. The companions they each had could not have been chosen any better. They really touched my kids lives and from what we heard when we picked them up- my kids touched theirs. It brought tears to both of our eyes when we watched the interactions and heard the stories about how our kids "made" the camp, how incredible my kids were, how Jason kept everyone laughing and never stopped smiling. We all cried as we watched the kids and companions cry as they said goodbye. I am so thankful for this camp. I think in the near future these people and this camp will become even more important to my three "cancer" siblings. A lot of the companions are either siblings or survivors themselves. They have walked the road my three have to walk and I pray that somehow the influence of these new friends will make this road a little easier.

It was really hard for me when they came home. I wish there was a way we could live "camp life" all the time. Reality sucks. It really does. Within minutes of getting in the car, Jonathan began his melt downs, Jason began crying and had an outpouring of nastiness, and Josh erupted in anger. They were all so tired. But it was not the only reason for the was just a huge reminder of how living with this horrible disease and its aftermath has affected us all. I keep trying to figure out a way to rescue everyone. To help each person make it through this time unscathed. But I can't. And that is what makes this even harder. Its like watching mass destruction and knowing you are powerless to do anything. It feels like its getting harder and harder for me to cope with Jonathan. Joshua. Jason. and Brittney. I desperately need to be able to point them to the true rock because this mom will never be a rock that can be depended upon. I am crumbling.

I guess the details of the past few weeks don't matter so much. Its the lessons of obedience that really matter. That's what has been so emotionally hard lately. Lots of situations where I needed to obey God despite the outcome. Lots of risks. Lots of consequences. Sometimes following God is not easy. Sometimes you look like a fool. Sometimes God calls you to do something, and you take off in that direction only to have him change your path halfway through making you appear as though you truly didn't hear God right the first time. Sometimes you have to step out and be vulnerable even when the other person is not willing to be. Sometimes you have to stand up for whats right knowing it will cost you...maybe even cost you your siblings, your parents, your friends. Sometimes you have nothing left but knowing you heard God and that you obeyed him. sometimes you have to let go of another person and trust that God is able to rescue them. Sometimes obedience costs all you have.

So that's where I am tonight. Broken. Sad. Hurt. Tired. But totally confident in a God who can do far more than I could imagine.

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