My heart feels like it is being torn in pieces. I don't know why but I am having a hard time coping these days. Feeling like an emotional roller coaster. I don't even know how to describe what is going on...just today several times over nothing Jon has erupted in a violent tangent of words mixed with biting or hurting himself. The conversation usually go like this: "I hate you, I hate you you stupid fat head brat jerk. Everyone hates me and I hate them. I want to kill everyone. No one makes me happy. I am going to dunk everyone in water and make them die.This family sucks. I don't want to be in this stupid sucky family. " Then moments later he is being "best brothers" with the one he just attacked. There is no trigger that can be avoided because everything is a trigger. My head is swimming in a desperate search for help and my heart is aching because I see this child and want to help him and can't. And I feel so awful for seeing death as his only way out. I want God to deliver him, heal him, and protect my other children. I know he can but I am having a hard time hanging onto his promise tonight.
I once wondered and told God that I would not deny him ever. I thought for sure I would be able to look at a gun pointed to my head and not deny my Lord. I knew I could take his word and love to anywhere risking my life and not shrink back. I prayed for opportunities to "prove" my commitment to my Jesus. I just had no idea that this would be the way I would be chosen to prove it...to face moment by moment this horror knowing that God could take it away at any moment but he doesn't because the He knows that his will is better than what I ask for. So though the tears pour, and I feel overwhelmed, tired, afraid, confused, and hurt I won't walk away from the one who endured so much more just to call me His.
Please pray for us tonight and through the weekend. I take Jon to Denver in the morning...sinus dr, oncology, and psychiatry. I am going in with my fighting shoes on.