Monday, October 26, 2009

Tonight I was struggling to maintain a positive spirit. Songs have been used by the Lord to really minister to my heart and turn my thoughts back to him. So I sat down and began to listen to the many songs that would lift my spirit. I thought it would be fun to go through and find songs that would tell the story of my life. It was a neat experience and really helped keep the night from going south. What a good reminder to see how the Lord has been a part of every thing that has happened in my life. None of these videos, with the exception of He's My Son, are mine (neither are the songs). Just borrowed from youtube.

1. Jesus Loves Me
At the age five I found out this simple truth and gave my heart to Jesus.

2. He Won't Let You Go
At age 10, due to some choices my brother made I watched my hero fall from the pedestal I had placed him on. God used the heartbreaking circumstances to draw me into a life changing commitment to be fully surrendered to my Lord. At this moment, I made the choice to follow the Lord no matter what.

3. Tell Me Again
As I was growing up in the Lord, he made sure I was surrounded by those who were faithful to BE Jesus. I will be forever grateful to my youth leaders who invested their time and their hearts in my life. I am convinced that without them I would not be where I am today.

4. Be the One
One of the songs that was an inspiration to me early on...I wanted nothing more than to Be the One the Lord could and would use.

5. For the Sake of the Call
Inspired by Jim and Elizabeth Elliot, I responded to the call on my life to go to the mission field. At 15 I went on my first mission trip to Guatemala. One step on foreign soil was all it took for me to be willing to leave my family and entire high school years were spent overseas as a missionary. What an incredible time of my life!

6. Go Light Your World
The passion of my heart!

7. A Friend Like You
During my trips overseas, I met some of my best friends. Its hard to believe that my best friend and I have remained close over 17 years. What an incredible blessing she is from the Lord. Throughout every season in my life, the Lord has blessed with that special friend who has connected deeply with my heart. I am so blessed.

8. All I Ask of You
The significance of the movie this song comes from is greater than the song itself. Even today this movie reminds me of the time in my life when I fell in love only to realize that this was not the person who God had intended for me. There are days when I wish I could erase this part from my story. But I know that without it I would not be where I am today.

9. Don't Say Goodbye
One of the hardest days of my life was when I, at 16 years old, looked into the eyes of the man I was going to be married to, and hand him back his ring. The Lord had clearly spoken to me that this was not his plan. I had given my this man my heart and in the process had forgotten to keep the Lord first in my heart. Though I was heartbroken, I never regretted my choice to obey the Lord. Shortly after breaking off the engagement, I left the country and returned to the Lover of My Soul.

10. Seize the Day
Refocused and ready to follow the road the Lord had led me to, I left home at 17 and went to Peru as a missionary. After three months there I came home only long enough to go to Haiti with my sister and then pack to return to Peru. What an incredible adventure that time was. Even now my heart is homesick for the Peruvian people. I pray daily that some day the Lord will let me return.

11. Take My Hand and Walk
This song became huge to me in the time that I was returning to Peru. I was struggling with many things. So many things were unsettled in my heart. But this song reminded me of the promise that I just had to take his hand and follow.

12. Hold Me Jesus
Little did I know that while I was hiding away in the Jungle, the Lord was preparing the one who he had chosen for me to marry. My incredible husband was going through a painful time in his life when I met him and this song was a huge part of his healing and coming back to Jesus. Everytime I hear this song I am reminded of the precious beginning of our relationship.

13. Another Man in Her Life
7 weeks after my husband and I started dating I left for Peru. I had made a commitment to be there for 7 months. I felt that my commitment to the Lord could not be changed simply because I had fallen in love. My husband joined me in Peru the last 2 weeks I was there. 8 weeks later we were married. This song was played at our wedding and was a huge part of out marriage.

14. Masterpiece
I became a mother on September 25 1997. I should have known from the beginning that this little boy would have such a huge impact on our world. He was dying when he was born. His lungs were aspirated with 6 holes. I didn't have a name for him because he was supposed to be a girl. But the moment I saw him and saw him fighting for his life, I knew his name. Jonathan, gift from God. A bittersweet reminder that God gives and God takes away. He proved to be one miracle after another...God healed the holes in his lungs within hours and he came home 3 days later. Fourteen months later Brittney was born. 12 months after she arrived Jason arrived. Motherhood and all its ups and downs was in full swing.

15. Let Mercy Lead
Josh joined us in 2002. The weight of the incredible gift and responsibility was heavy upon my heart. How grateful I am that the Lord is able to make good out of our failures as parents. I will do my best to lead them and train them, after that its up to the Lord to capture their hearts.

16. He's My Son
Three months after Joshua was born, great suffering entered my world. Jonathan, the month before he turned 5, was diagnosed with a brain tumor. The Lord surrounded us with special friends and carried us through some very dark days. Its hard to believe that it was seven years ago and we are still walking this path. And still being carried by the strong arms of our Heavenly Father.

17. Praise you in the Storm
So many days and long nights filled with never ending tears can lead to a questioning heart. Why does the Lord allow this trial to stay for so long? Why doesn't he heal my child? This song became a soothing balm to my heart. I choose to praise him in the midst of the storm...not because he removed the storm. Here is where I encounter the God of the Universe in an intimate way only found in pain and suffering.

18. I still believe
The line that I will live and die by. No matter what happens in life, no matter the pain that comes, no matter how easy it would be to walk away... one thing remains...I still believe. The truth about the Lord has not changed and will not change no matter the circumstance.

19. Blessed be your name
My life song. Still I will say...blessed be the name of the Lord.

20. Watch Over Me
Another love song that the Lover of my soul has sung into my heart during the darkest nights. He watches over me and reminds me of his presence.

21. Look What Faith Can Do
This is my new favorite song. I am watching the Lord do great things. He is making miracles out of broken hearts, broken lives, and broken dreams. Nothing is beyond his touch. His ways are not my ways, but I am learning that stepping out in faith has great rewards.

22. I lift my eyes
The older I get in my walk with the Lord, the more I realize that He alone is the source for everything we need. He is truly all that life is all about. The more I fill my life with him, the less I seek to be filled by others and able to give to others unconditionally.

23. Friends Are Friends Forever
This is the greatest blessing in my life right now. The Lord has allowed me to reconnect with these kinds of forever friends. Ones that I never thought I would ever see again much less live life with. I am blessed beyond words.

24. Beautiful Ending
The prayer of my heart is to end well. I don't want this life to be in vain. I want to finish the race set before me with a heart that is truly surrendered to the Lord.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Its a snowy, cold afternoon here in Colorado Springs. Perfect day for a hot cup of coffee, a fire in the fireplace and family time. Its almost time to get my kids from school and I am actually looking forward to them being home. Tomorrow is a half day and I am so looking forward to the weekend. But for now I am enjoying the last few minuted of quiet and thought I should update everyone on Jonathan.

We went to Denver this morning. I am so thankful that Shawn was off today and was able to go with us. Since Mya has been running a high fever for the past few days, Shawn just dropped Jon and I off at the hospital and took her for a drive. Jonathan has been physically stable ever since we left the hospital. He really looks good. I am thankful for every minute like this and don't want to take it for granted. I know all to well how fast things can change.

We still don't have any test results back. So we still have no idea what caused this four weeks of weird episodes. The plan for now is to wait for the results. We are all leaning towards the chemotherapy playing a part in this. The question is whether there is an underlying problem and the chemotherapy "activated" the problem or if the chemo itself is the problem. Not an easy answer to come to. We have decided to put the chemo on hold until we have a better idea. We may just stop the chemo all together. We will scan in shorter intervals until something happens... if the tumor starts to grow then we have to do something. If it stays stable we will just keep watching and waiting.

Today we are just enjoying life. Life as a family. Life with its ups and downs. Life is an amazing journey. And no matter the outcome, I am sure of one thing... the Lord is on the throne and he is capable of more than I can ever imagine. I am glad that the responsibility of the outcome rests on his shoulders and not mine.