tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-356747812024-02-19T00:11:35.172-05:00Come What MayUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger333125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35674781.post-61094001109734726382014-10-04T19:01:00.002-05:002014-10-04T19:08:13.630-05:00You Won't Relent<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14px;">
<span style="color: white;">Over and over in the Scripture, we are implored to remember everything God has done and said. We are to remember the times he carried us through the hardest days of our lives. Remember the times he rescued us, the times he gave us strength, the times he showed himself to us and to the world. Remember all the ways he showed us how intimately he walked with us and pursued our hearts with a relentless pursuit. We must remember. If we forget, we might lose heart. </span></div>
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<span style="color: white;">The past few months can be summed up in just a few simple words: a relentless pursuit of my heart by the one who came to heal the broken hearted, to set the captive heart free. Over and over he has called to me in the midst of whatever I found myself in...compromise, defeat, accusation, despair, wounded and viewing life through a warped perspective. He called me by my new name and reminded me of who I was. He called me out of the mire and led me to the life he died to give me. Jesus pursued my heart for one reason alone...He loved me. He saw me for the who he made me to be. He longed for his glory in me to be unveiled through a heart that was fully alive. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="color: white; font-size: 14px;">John Eldredge said in his book "Waking the Dead,"You have been far more than forgiven. God has removed your heart of stone. You have been delivered from what held you back from what you were meant to be. You have been rescued from your the part of you that sabotages even your best intentions. Your heart has been set free." He goes on to say that after we see ourselves in this light, " we will need to live from it. To admit we have a new heart and a glory from God, to begin to let it be unveiled and embrace it as true- that means the next thing God will do is ask us to live from it. Come out of the boat. Take the throne. Be what he meant us to be. And that feels risky. But it is also exciting. It is coming fully alive." </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="color: white; font-size: 14px;">Today my precious friend and I went together to do something that would help us forever remember what God is doing in our hearts. We have both walked through some pretty deep, heavy stuff these past few weeks. The enemy tried hard to take us out and we came through on the other side, beautiful and stronger than ever before. It was time to make a symbolic statement of who we are and who we are becoming as the our hearts are beginning to reveal the glory God gave to each of us uniquely. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="color: white; font-size: 14px;">Today, I had this permanently etched where I will be reminded every moment of the day who I am. See my heart has been guarded and closed off for a very long time. People saw glimpses of who I was created to be. Yet, the very depth of who I was had been carefully hidden away behind high walls of stone and defenses as sharp and painful as barbed wire. What can't be exposed and left vulnerable, can't be hurt. Wounds inflicted upon my heart, when left unguarded, had taken their toll. The enemy had seemingly been successful at his attempt to take out my heart. He didn't take away my salvation. He just convinced me that my heart was beyond repair and in effect took me out of the fight. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="color: white; font-size: 14px;">The Bible says to guard your heart because from it comes all of life. My heart was guarded; yet the very things guarding it were bringing death. I knew Jesus. I loved Jesus. Yet, somehow my heart was still very much in danger and my Savior was on his way with his rescue. Sometimes his pursuit was quiet whispers to my heart, romancing me and healing me. Sometimes he would take me by the hand to a place that held memories of times my heart had been assaulted and deeply wounded and he would rewrite my story by giving me his perspective. Sometimes he would appear as a friend who stood guard over my heart- fighting for my heart with truth. The truth that said I had a good heart. That I was beautiful. I was strong. I was secure. I was loved completely. I was going to be ok. Sometimes he just showed me how to be brave as he took me to my deepest fears and said I am here. I am giving you victory. He wouldn't relent until my heart was fully his. He became the seal upon my heart, the seal upon my arm for his love is stronger than death. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="color: white; font-size: 14px;">Little by little the barbed wire disappeared. The walls fell down. My heart was set free. Jesus became the guard of my heart, declaring it good. It became open to the world around me as now I was free to fulfill the role that only I could play. I could be known by my new name. My purpose became evident: now that you have been set free, return and show others they too can be free. Walk bedside them on their journey towards seeing who they really are and fight for them. Fight for their hearts, their dreams, and their freedom. Be the warrior you were created to be. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14px;">" Do you know why there has been such an assault? The Enemy fears you. You are dangerous-big time. If you every really got your heart back, lived from it with courage, you would be a big problem to him. You would do a lot of damage- on the side of good. Remember how valiant and effective God has been in the history of the world? You are a stem of the victorious stalk." (John Eldredge, Wild at Heart. ) </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">In the past week, this declaration of a heart that is free has been assaulted. The fight has been brutal. Yet, my heart has emerged. I have learned to fight even for my own heart. It is essential to life. It is essential if others are to be rescued. I have my heart back and that changes everything. </span></span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35674781.post-88143769261911525932014-09-30T00:33:00.002-05:002014-09-30T00:33:20.837-05:00When Chaos Becomes Comical (or laughing when everything falls apart) This morning before I even opened my eyes I knew it was going to be one of those days. The kind where the pain radiating through your head immediately equates to intense nausea and vomiting. The kind of day when you realize all your plans for the day might as well just be thrown out the window because there is no way you are going to be able to get out of bed. Migraines are so debilitating for me and the one thing I dread the most. I can function with any other sickness but a migraine equals stuck in bed, unable to move but totally able to be tormented by a flood of thoughts. Thoughts about what had to be done today. Thoughts about how far behind I am in everything. Thoughts about relationships and situations that were unresolved. Thoughts that quickly turn to doubts and worries and condemnation. If that wasn't enough, the simple migraine turned to a migraine while trying to take care of one child with a sick tummy and one accident after another. In between explosive tummy episodes, just as I would drift back to sleep one child after another came to join me on my bed and tell me their stories, their needs, and their requests. Just as I finally drift back to sleep, I hear a crashing sound and Jonathan crying as he has just fallen down the last three stairs. Heart racing, I try to go to sleep again but realize I need to drive one child to school. Praying I can make it to school and back without throwing up, I drop her off and arrive back home. I have to make an appointment for Joshua to get his cast put on so I make it through one phone call before the nausea takes over. Make second phone call to orthopedic doctor and then finally lay down again.<br />
The battle begins in my heart and my mind. The fight to remember truth: God is not against me. I am not being set up for failure. God isn't giving me an impossible task and then making it harder by piling more and more things for me to handle on top of it. I am not alone. People do care. I am loved. I am a good mom. All the things on my to do list can wait. He will be my strength. He will give me what I need to make it through the day or he will provide help someway or somehow. Gently the Lord begins to redefine my perspective and helps me focus on him in the midst of the pain. He whispers words of affirmation to my heart and shows me how he is there fighting this battle for me, all I have to do is turn to him and be still. Simply believe.<br />
In those moments, I got to see a bigger story. A story that helped me interpret all the crazy things that keep happening with truth. In the past couple of weeks, we have had non-stop sickness, Jonathan crashing almost daily and all his crazy test results, our close friend hospitalized, a child with infected toes, another child with a broken wrist, and some pretty intense situations that we have had to walk through as a family. It would be so easy to be defeated, discouraged, and to begin to doubt God's love. Yet, realizing the part our family is playing in this greater story puts all these things in a totally different perspective. God is preparing our home to be a place of refuge to hurting children who desperately need Jesus and a family. I would be foolish to think this would go unopposed. So with each little attack, I find myself chuckling and thinking, "Is that all you got?"<br />
Sometimes though I find myself thinking God must be getting ready to do something big if there is so much opposition. I find myself looking for that next big thing. What I realized today is some of the greatest work God is doing is in healing our brokenness and giving us our hearts back. This is so much more important to God than us doing big things for him. And it makes us so much more dangerous to the enemy of our souls. A person who has a heart fully alive and free is a person clothed in strength and dignity. A person who knows who they are and who they were meant to be will be used by God to change the world and that makes the enemy tremble. A great gift of perspective was given to me today: the work being opposed is not just what is coming, but its what is already happening. Its the healing that is taking place in my heart and in my husband's heart, its the way that finding our hearts again is strengthening our marriage and our family. The powerful impact that will make on our world is a threat to the enemy. So I smile and chuckle because I know God is for me and we are right where we were meant to be.<br />
Somedays are just plain rough. When those days begin to be a pattern and life starts crashing in around me like waves upon the shore during a raging storm, I am learning to ask what is really going on. Stepping back to see the greater picture, I am discovering I am in the midst of a great battle and those well designed attacks were aimed straight at my heart in an effort to take me out of the fight completely. If I chose to guard my heart and take up the shield of faith those flaming arrows or accusation will be extinguished. Clothed with strength and dignity I can take up my rightful place in this story and I can laugh at what is to come, because I know how the story ends.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35674781.post-39094902108268204422014-09-24T15:02:00.003-05:002014-09-24T15:02:38.348-05:00Finding a BalanceMonths go by and things are so normal, whatever that word actually means. One's heart might actually relax a bit and settle down into a routine of breathing in and out without having to think about it. Sadly, one also begins to take for granted all the little things they promised in that moment of crisis never to take for granted again. Little things like singing that bedtime song, participating wholeheartedly in that same conversation that you have had every single day for the past ten years, taking pictures of every moment so that you don't forget, simply living intentionally each day as if it was your last day.<br />
Then all of a sudden the deja vu of reality collides with your "normal" world. School days are replaced with days of sleeping and pain medication. Long days of just having fun are replaced with doctor appointments and tests upon tests. The peaceful chaos of every day is replaced with the tense chaos of the unknown. Breathe in. Breathe out.<br />
Its not a feeling of despair or hopelessness that overcomes my heart most days. Sometimes its fear. Fear when I watch him not be able to open his eyes or he says for the hundredth time that day that his head hurts. Its what makes you hold your breath until the crash is over and he returns to his normal baseline. That is when you know it was just an infection and he is just fine. The only problem this time is he really isn't going back to baseline and that is why the many appointments have begun.<br />
Sometimes its just the exhaustion of wondering what's going on inside his body and managing that along with every other part of life. Those moments are when I fight to find a balance. A balance between fear that pushes me to the point of calling the doctor but not to a point where it keeps me from trusting the Great Physician. A balance between doing what is necessary to keep his life as healthy as possible so he can have the best life possible and but not doing so much that we steal away the quality of his life. A balance between limiting his exposure to germs and yet, still giving him access to his friends and people that bring him so much joy.<br />
For now, we do the necessary. We make appointments and find out what we are dealing with. We know we have a blood clot. We know we have to take the port out. We know there could very well be just a simple infection causing all kinds of havoc. We also know it could be yet another life altering moment. Until we know, we will choose to rest in what is for certain: Every day, every moment is held in the hands of the One who knows everything and has gone before us to make a way.<br />
<a href="http://www.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/" style="background-image: url(data:image/png; border: none; cursor: pointer; display: none; height: 20px; line-height: 0; min-height: 20px; min-width: 40px; opacity: 0.85; position: absolute; width: 40px; z-index: 8675309;"></a><a href="http://www.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/" style="background-image: url(data:image/png; border: none; cursor: pointer; display: none; height: 20px; line-height: 0; min-height: 20px; min-width: 40px; opacity: 0.85; position: absolute; width: 40px; z-index: 8675309;"></a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35674781.post-32281538914632002212014-09-04T11:50:00.000-05:002014-09-04T11:50:00.940-05:00I watch the numbers reporting your oxygen saturations drop steadily as you fall into a deeper sleep. I hold my breath as the numbers stabilize in an acceptable range. My mind and heart turn from the numbers to the boy resting in such great peace. My breath is gone again as I memorize every detail of your sweet face and the sound of your breath. Tonight is really no different than the night before. The diagnosis and prognosis is still the same: your life; every moment and every detail planned long before your birth. Test results, complications, and unknown possibilities can not change the plan your Father had for you long before you were ever known to me.<br />
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The gift I have been given to know perhaps a little more than most. A gift of a different perspective. A perspective that looks beyond the daily irritations, the exhaustion of motherhood, the challenge of caregiving, the ordinary of every day into the realization that time is short. Time is short for everyone of us; we just don't always live life as if today could be the last. The blessing of this perspective turns every day into a living miracle. The flip side is the haunting memories of the opportunities lost and the moments where love and grace didn't prevail. Yet, this moment still remains. A chance to capture every second. To fill each day with joy, adventure, life. To love lavishly, to forgive freely, to run with full abandon towards every dream, to trust without reservation and to hold onto hope with every bit of your being.<br />
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Sweet boy, how I long for a heart like yours. I sat with you and told you how your heart was broken but that we were not worried because your heart is safe with Jesus and he is going to take care of you. Your only concern was not the problem at hand. You just wanted to know if you were going home. Oh, to trust Jesus the way you do. To put my broken heart in His capable and loving hands and then go back to being who I am. No concern for the how, the what, the risks; just simply knowing that Jesus has got me. I would be able to confidently stay in the role I was given to play in this grand story God is writing without holding back any part of me as the intensity of the plot unfolds. A peace that passes all understanding would descend upon my heart because I can trust the author of this story. I know He sees the ending of the story that He is writing and His stories always end well.<br />
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Your story collides with mine, my sweet boy. In the midst of your story, my heart is pursued by the Lover of My Soul. Again he asks me to give him my heart. Again I come face to face with a choice. A choice to trust. A choice to believe. Again I choose to take this heart that loves so deeply and breaks so easily and place it into His scarred hands. Those hands that remind me His Story makes my story possible. He has gone before. His heart has felt that same pain. His body has felt your pain. He has been there and now he offers to carry my heart and yours through the steepest places on this journey. How can I not trust one who offers such safety and security and love?<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35674781.post-84139411053039376802012-05-11T12:50:00.000-05:002012-05-11T12:50:58.522-05:00Mr. Awesome keeps us guessingIt is so much easier to write more details on here than on a Facebook status...I am thankful for each of you who care for us and Jonathan and have continued to pray him through this long journey. I don't have a lot of information to share yet but I can at least let you know what is going on.
Yesterday afternoon, Jon's home health nurse came by to change the dressing on his picc line.we have been doing IV antibiotics for the past week and he has been doing fairly well. While we were doing vitals, we noticed that his feet were really swollen and a deep purple/red color. The purple coloring went up both legs to his waist. He was getting increasingly lethargic. He started slurring his speech. His head and body started leaning to the side. The last few symptoms are "normal" for him...usually an indicator that something is wrong or an infection is affecting him. We ent to the local emergency room and spent four hours there. They did blood work and a CT scan of his head. Nothing came back abnormal but he was still not totally stable. They were concerned enough that they wanted to admit him and get to the bottom of what was causing the swelling.
We discharged So we could transfer to children's in Denver. It makes more sense to be where the drs know him and can see the changes taking place. He has had a couple more incidences of swelling and lethargy since we got here.
The plan and thought right now is that whatever is causing the problem is causing an adrenal crisis. He is being treated with IV steroids for that. They changed his antibiotic to a more broad spectrum antibiotic. The question now is whether he has an infection causing the issues or are there changes in the brain. We will be doing the MRI sometime this evening to rule that out. The theory is that for some reason the systems are not communicating with each other effectively.. When he stands the blood is traveling to his feet but not returning out of the feet. The same thing is happening in his hands as well.
I will update again as we find out new things.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35674781.post-38497767984884228332012-01-18T13:05:00.001-05:002012-01-18T13:05:19.252-05:00Lessons from the Blizzard: Pressing on Through the Storm<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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A few days ago I was driving to Denver for Jonathan's sleep study appointment. When I left town, the skies were clear and it had been a somewhat warm day. The sun had set and darkness settled in its place. Flurries began as I left town. The forecast called for zero accumulation and slight snow showers. I don't drive in snow. I am quite the chicken..unless I am angry...but that is a whole different story. This appointment had just opened up that afternoon and it is nearly impossible to actually have an appointment on a day when Jon is not sick, a requirement for the tests being done. If I had any idea that the weather men would be wrong, I would have never ventured out. Little did I know that the Lord had some huge life lessons in store for me on this cold, snowy, dark night. I guess I should expect Him to respond when I ask questions like...How do you grow your faith???? <br />
In between Monument and Castle Rock, I encountered a blizzard. For those of you who drive confidently through this white fluffly stuff, probably no big deal for you. But for me, it was the scariest night I have ever encountered while driving. When my car spun out on an on ramp and headed to the edge of a steep enbankment, all I could think was either God stops this car or Jon and I are going to die. Obviously, I am here to write about it...the car stopped two feet from the edge. The sweet reminder that he who carries me in his hands is alive and active in my life. What follows are the few lessons my adventure left me with...<br />
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<strong>Sometimes going back is scarier than going forward. </strong><br />
The sleep study tech called me when we were about an hour late for our appointment. She asked if I wanted to turn around and reschedule for a later day. The problem was that I had already driven through what was probably the worst of the storm. I had no idea what was ahead but I knew what was behind. I didn't want to go back through it. This reminded me of where I am in life right now. Life has been hard. Sometimes I feel stuck...I don't like where I am right now. I don't want to go backward. Been there, done that. Didn't like it one bit. But I don't know that I want to go forward either. I don't know what lies ahead. I don't know how long I have to keep going before the sky clears. Fears overwhelm. Yet, I keep going because there is no other choice...as much as I feel incapable of being a good mom, good wife, good friend, good christian...the only choice is to keep going forward and hope that the sky clears soon. <br />
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<strong>Its a good idea to know who you are following. Sometimes you just can't see anything except the one directly in front of you. </strong><br />
I found myself following behind a semi truck. Probably faulty thinking but I figured if I stayed behind the big guy, I might have some protection, a wider path to follow, and less of a chance of the "big guy" running me over. Following the truck probably created a bigger blizzard than there would have been if I wasn't right behind him but there was security there. Kind of like following Jesus. Sometimes he leads us through some scary situations. Yet, if we know who we are following we can trust that he will make a way in front of us. He will tell us which way we need to go. Just like the grooves on the side of the highway that alerted me that I was heading off the road, so the Lord will alert us when we are veering off the right path. We just have to listen. This situation reminded me of this verse in Isaiah 30:21. It says, "Your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “ This is the way, walk in it,” Whenever you turn to the right hand Or whenever you turn to the<strong> </strong>left." He promises his protection and his blessing if we will just stay behind him and follow where he leads, even if it outwardly gets messy and a little bit scary. <br />
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<strong>Sometimes you are rescued from the storm and sometimes love tells you to keep going. </strong><br />
When I called my husband and told him I was driving through a blizzard and couldn't even see the road, I told him I should get off the highway and he should come get me. He told me to keep going. What??? Really??? I wanted to ask him if he heard what I said. He told me that it should clear in a few miles. I was just in that infamous Monument Hill area where visibility is swallowed up by a white mass of fluffy stuff. It doesn't always feel like love when we aren't rescued from our pain, fear, or difficult situation, does it? It kind of goes against everything we believe love is. Yet, its in those moments that love doesn't rescue because of the greater good that is going to come out of the experience. Matt Hammit, lead singer for Sanctus Real, reveals this in his song "This is Grace." Matt says, " The reason for our suffering is to help us realize that in sickness and in death we are helpless without Christ." I don't know about you but I continually struggle and need to be reminded that I am helpless without Christ. Storms have a way of reminding me how desperately I need Him. And how little I truly trust him. <br />
This particular snow storm was like the lesson sounding out loudly across the mountainside. I sensed the Lord taking me deeper and asking me do you really believe that I love you? Do you really trust me to do what is best? Do you trust me to make you into the person <strong>I </strong>want you to be? The only response that seems right in this moment is ..."If you really think its ok, I will keep going." <br />
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<strong>Sometimes we quit too early. </strong><br />
Sure enough as soon as I passed through Castle Rock and entered the outskirts of Denver, the storm cleared. The ground was simply wet. I could see again. I was glad I had pressed through. I hadn't arrived yet to my destination and there were unseen dangers ahead. But I had made it this far and faced incredible fears at the same time. This lesson can obviously be applied to so many areas of life. Marriage, ministry, friendship, change. The list goes on and on. I wonder sometimes how many blessings and growth opportunites I missed out on because I quit too early. <br />
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<strong>Just because others are upside down or spinning out of control doesn't necessarily mean you will be too.</strong><br />
Driving down the road towards my destination, the roads became icy and snow packed again. We passed five accidents, several of which had cars upside down on the side of the road. This was not the most effective way to boost my confidence and trust that I would arrive safely. How often does this happen in life? We get distracted and discouraged as we focus on what's going on around us instead of the One we are following. This reminds me of the story of Peter walking on the water. Matthew 14:28-30 tells us how Peter got out of the boat and started walking on the water to Jesus. It says Peter was fine until he looked at the waves and the wind around him. Then he started to sink. He cried out to the Lord who came to his rescue...<br />
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<strong>Sometimes you DO spin out of control but you will get back on the road. </strong><br />
In the dark, I totally missed our exit. I drove 20 miles past my exit before I realized I had gone too far. Ever have this happen in your own life? I do. Often. Probably too often. The important thing is to turn around when you realize it. If you are like me though, sometimes the turning around makes you dizzy. You realize you have made a mess of things and it feels like you might not be able to ever make it right. The world starts spinning so fast you can't even find which way is the right way. In that moment, we have only one option. To cry out to the Lord. So many times in desperation I have cried out to Him, knowing if he doesn't rescue me and turn me back around I will destroy myself. Everytime I try to be and do on my own, I end up spinning. One day I will realize that only he can make me who he wants me to be. He promises to do what he promises. 1 Thessalonians 5:24 reminds me of this truth. "He who calls you is faithful." <br />
Turning around proved to be even scarier than driving through the storm. My car spun towards the embankment and I had no choice but to trust. Moments later, I was turned right direction and heading towards my goal. Sometimes we get too used to life in the wrong direction. Turning around and doing it right seems harder and scarier than staying in the path of destruction. In those moments I am kind of grateful the Lord loves me enough to allow my world to start spinning until I am ready for him to turn me around. <br />
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<strong>Lastly, the sun will come out tomorrow. </strong><br />
Driving home the next morning the landscape was completely different. It was amazing how less scarier the world looked in the daylight. Two lessons came from this realization. First, in the midst of desperation and hopelessness, hold on until tomorrow. Psalm 30:5 gives this promise. "Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning." Second, come close to the light. It chases away the darkness. The only way to see things clearly is to find refuge in the light of Jesus. Psalm 57:1 says "For my soul trusts in You; And in the shadow of Your wings I will make my refuge, Until these calamities have passed by." <br /><span class="keywordresultextras"><a href="http://www.blogger.com/passage/?search=Psalm+57:1-3&version=NKJV"></a></span><br />
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<iframe allowtransparency="true" class="stLframe" frameborder="0" height="350" id="stLframe" name="stLframe" scrolling="no" src="" style="left: 0px; top: 0px;" width="353"></iframe></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35674781.post-53444293269323184252012-01-18T10:43:00.000-05:002012-01-18T10:43:34.160-05:00Absence makes the heart grow fonder...I must say I have missed blogging. The past year has been full of depth that just can't be summed up in Facebook status updates. Sometimes a moment is all you have. Sometimes you just would rather pretend life is not really happening..thus the lack of posts. I have learned though that so many sweet reminders of God's faithfulness and love can be lost if I don't record them. I may not feel as though I have anything to offer here...but I <strong>know </strong>he has done many things worthy of my telling.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35674781.post-51746314071528792602011-01-17T17:57:00.000-05:002011-01-17T17:57:27.639-05:00<span style="font-size: x-large;">Hopeful...</span><br />
I took Jonathan to an appointment today with an Immunologist in Denver. This doctor was recommended by a family that our new pediatrician has taken care of for years. He has been instrumental in providing the children in that family a life with tremondous relief from chronic sinus infections. I was so pleased with this doctor. <br />
We repeated allergy testing just to see if there was any chance that there were allergies that could be aggravating his situation. The good news that he no longer test positive to any of the allergies ( those must have been some good allergy shots that Dr. P made him in Knoxville!). The next step is to begin the process of testing his immune system. Dr. Voltz believes that he definietly has some thing going on with his immune system. Most of his immune type labs have not been repeated since 2005. The doctor was kind of shocked by this. I am not shocked at all...for the past several years I have just been put off and told to deal with it. <br />
Dealing with it just doesn't work...not when your child is so sick and then becomes so psychiatrically unstable that he is begging you for a knife so he can cut his nose off. Or when the infection has lasted so long that he is not able to hold his head straight, walk steadily or speak without slurring his speech. Its so easy to say "I don't know" or "It's just how it is" when you don't have to live with him or watch him struggle twenty four hours a day! <br />
So...we are drawing blood tomorrow for 17 different labs...ranging from basic CBC and CMP levels to vitamin levels and all the immunology levels. These labs will take about two to three weeks to get back. I am anxious to see what they say. I am hopeful that they will give us new insight on what to do to help Jonathan feel better. Thank you for praying for us so faithfully.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35674781.post-41364536593248260592011-01-11T16:47:00.000-05:002011-01-11T16:47:40.915-05:00<span style="font-size: x-large;">The Balancing Act...</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5w73SyfScqBgGf_U-VrIjDkfsamfWNXPzl1G35nQuRxwOyc-NfibAB6nr1RDxrTreLHRInYym9BROaU0cFWWjCtjiR5LuKIInjQlvjc9GDTWW09ajNvrtPXM-Kp4kXpfLIHBM/s1600/IMG_6016.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" n4="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5w73SyfScqBgGf_U-VrIjDkfsamfWNXPzl1G35nQuRxwOyc-NfibAB6nr1RDxrTreLHRInYym9BROaU0cFWWjCtjiR5LuKIInjQlvjc9GDTWW09ajNvrtPXM-Kp4kXpfLIHBM/s320/IMG_6016.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>This is what I woke up to this morning. This is game we call " To Worry, Not to Worry". We were supposed to have an MRI yesterday but because of the snow we had to cancel it. It will be three weeks before we can get another scan done. A lot can happen in three weeks. The hardest part of this is how much things change sometimes right in front of our eyes. Jon has been struggling since the end of November. About a week ago things started to concern me..mostly his eyes. So finally I emailed the dr and they agreed to do a scan. Of course as soon as I call then he does a turn around and seems ok (but the eyes are still funky). I even took him to the pediatrician who remarked at how he doesn't seem like himself...but no one seems overly concerned. So maybe I am just a crazy mom. Maybe I see too much, maybe I am too particular...so I convince myself nothing is really going on (and really..there probably isn't). I convince myself that its ok that the MRI is three weeks away. I tell myself and my friends that if something is wrong it will still be wrong in 3 weeks and I move on...until I wake up to this this morning. I know that if I showed up at the hospital with Jon looking like this that would not only scan him today they would probably admit him. Problem is that if I actually call and take him in he will be fine by the time I get there and they will pass it off as this is just how it is with hypothalmic injury...<br />
I get the whole hypothalmus issue. Really I do. I know there are up days and down days. I have lived through enough raging to understand how his body doesn't work the way ours does. I have watched as my child has literally turned purple right in front of my eyes and then just as quickly returned to a normal of shade. I get it. But I wish someone could explain to me what to do with the way my heart feels and how to not hold my breath when I wake to this every morning and I know something is wrong and the balancing act begins...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35674781.post-75854023424937367482011-01-03T19:22:00.002-05:002011-01-03T20:02:16.647-05:00<iframe height="344" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/7xFXMpQUqyA?fs=1" frameborder="0" width="425"></iframe><br />I was listening to songs on New Years day and wondering what song could be a theme song for this new year for me. This song came on and immediately I knew it was the one... the single line " Jesus, keep my heart alive," is my prayer for 2011. That is the desperate plea ringing out from my heart.<br />The last half of 2010 was rough. Really rough. Rough in ways that I can't share. So many things happened that left me emotionally shaken and questioning everything I thought was true. When you are hurt deeply, its hard to keep your heart alive. Its hard to keep pressing on. It is so much easier to shut down and become numb.<br />Thankfully, the Lord went before me and prepared the way even in the midst of so much pain. I am so thankful for two people in particular who God gave me during this time when it felt like I was loosing everything and everyone that were important to me. One person has reminded me daily that healthy, mutually edifying relationships can exist...I am so thankful that when many others forgot the song my heart needed to hear that this person sang that song every morning and every night for as long as it took. The other person has become the person to walk through the very deep things that I needed to walk through, lovingly and graciously willing to get messy with me. She wasn't afraid to step into the mud puddle I had found myself in and pull me out. Her words are straight from the word of God and are a never ending challenge to press on and not give up hope.<br />With 2010 gone and 2011 waiting to be lived... I am choosing to forget what lies behind and press forward...praying as I walk and things getting messy...Jesus, keep my heart alive.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35674781.post-19426907740959574972010-06-16T14:55:00.002-05:002010-06-16T14:58:13.053-05:00The girls that I babysit and I are on a sewing kick this week while my kids are all at camp. I found this contest to enter from Keeper of the Home for a $100 gift certificate to purchase material or patterns from Marie Madeline Studio. Visit their site so you can enter too! <a href="http://www.keeperofthehome.org/2010/06/1000th-post-party-giveaway-marie-madeline-studio-fabric-and-patterns.html">http://www.keeperofthehome.org/2010/06/1000th-post-party-giveaway-marie-madeline-studio-fabric-and-patterns.html</a><div><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35674781.post-7287588860028471012010-06-01T12:24:00.004-05:002010-06-01T12:28:37.184-05:00Reading through some old journals this morning, I came across the lyrics of a song that used to minister to me. I thought the words kind of spoke to the way I have been feeling this week. <div><br /></div><div>Learning To Trust In You </div><div><br /></div><div>That's why I am learning to trust in you</div><div>In Everything I do</div><div>Learning to trust in you</div><div>Cause I know in my heart that you're true</div><div>But sometimes its so hard to do</div><div><br /></div><div>Father, little children must grow up</div><div>and to grow we've got to learn to trust</div><div>and to trust we've got to cling to you</div><div>And when you tell me you will hold me close</div><div>Its the very thing I want the most</div><div>but its the very hardest thing to do</div><div>I've got this pain inside me </div><div>It speaks to me loud and clear </div><div>When there's so much to gain theres always so much to lose</div><div>Whatever I lost, I'll find in you.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35674781.post-11897811526206824032010-05-18T23:19:00.002-05:002010-05-18T23:29:55.495-05:00<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">Exciting Things are Happening!!!</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">The past few weeks have been packed full. The exciting thing is that they have been filled up with time doing something I love so much. God has given me the desire of my heart and has granted a part of one of my dreams to me. Recently, the Lord has brought Shawn and I together with friends, Jeremy and Natalee, to create a photography business called Only You Photography. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Jeremy already had the name, the studio, and the beginnings of a successful business. I had the desire and the passion but needed a business partner. We have all been in awe as we have watched the Lord bring all the details together. Jeremy and I have the same passion and vision. We both have a heart to glorify God in our business. We long to be able to use photography and a portion of our profits to minister to others in the various ways God has placed on our hearts. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Tonight, after many nights of working until 2am, we finally got to announce our company and the web page. I am so excited to see it official!!! If you are on facebook, we would love for you to join our Only You Photography fan page. Please visit us at<a href="http://onlyyouphotography.com"> Only You Photography</a> for more examples of our work. If you live in the Colorado Springs area we would love the opportunity to serve you. </span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35674781.post-41663975033782476092010-05-06T19:03:00.002-05:002010-05-06T19:12:27.115-05:00Its been a rough week. Jon is raging again almost daily. No matter how strong I am, no matter how much I prepare for these episodes they still manage to wear me down. After a few days, I feel very fragile. It leaves me often questioning and wondering why.Honestly, it leaves me longing for a different life. <div><br /></div><div>It wouldn't be so bad if it was just Jon and I. But there are many other lives involved. Many other hearts that are also worn down and wounded. As the sadness descends and settles into my very bones, the heavy weight of how this life affects everyone else threatens to suffocate me. I know that God is in control, I know that he is working even this out for good. But sometimes knowing it is barely enough to carry me through to the next moment. Sometimes the daily part of dealing with him and his illness makes it nearly impossible to deal with anything else...like making meals, cleaning, attending to the many needs of my other children. </div><div><br /></div><div>The hope that still remains is this...this cycle will not last forever. The wounds oozing in my heart will eventually heal. The day is coming when the Lover of my Soul will come and carry me away forever from this painful world. In that moment he will wipe away my tears. He will make this all worth it. That is the one thing I am holding onto...soon and very soon He is coming. </div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35674781.post-45053189180535530062010-04-17T09:07:00.001-05:002010-04-17T09:07:39.258-05:00<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: medium; "><div align="left"><p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;"><b>Author:</b> Mrs. Charles E. Cowman<br /><b>Source:</b> Streams in the Desert<br /><b>Scripture Reference:</b> <a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/bible?version=NIV&language=english&passage=Job%2012:9" target="_blank" style="color: rgb(0, 102, 204); font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; text-decoration: none; ">Job 12:9</a><br /></span></p></div><p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;"><b>Diamond in the Rough</b></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;"><i></i></span></p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;"><i></i><p><i>"The hand of the Lord hath wrought this" </i>(Job 12:9).</p><p>Several years ago there was found in an African mine the most magnificent diamond in the world's history. It was presented to the King of England to blaze in his crown of state. The King sent it to Amsterdam to be cut. It was put into the hands of an expert lapidary. And what do you suppose he did with it?</p><p>He took the gem of priceless value, and cut a notch in it. Then he struck it a hard blow with his instrument, and lo! the superb jewel lay in his hand cleft in twain. What recklessness I what wastefulness! what criminal carelessness!</p><p>Not so. For days and weeks that blow had been studied and planned. Drawings and models had been made of the gem. Its quality, its defects, its lines of cleavage had all been studied with minutest care. The man to whom it was committed was one of the most skillful lapidaries in the world.</p><p>Do you say that blow was a mistake? Nay. It was the climax of the lapidary's skill. When he struck that blow, he did the one thing which would bring that gem to its most perfect shapeliness, radiance, and jewelled splendor. That blow which seemed to ruin the superb precious stone was, in fact, its perfect redemption. For, from those two halves were wrought the two magnificent gems which the skilled eye of the lapidary saw hidden in the rough, uncut stone as it came from the mine.</p><p>So, sometimes, God lets a stinging blow fall upon your life. The blood spurts. The nerves wince. The soul cries out in agony. The blow seems to you an apalling mistake. But it is not, for you are the most priceless jewel in the world to God. And He is the most skilled lapidary in the universe.</p><p>Some day you are to blaze in the diadem of the King. As you lie in His hand now He knows just how to deal with you. Not a blow will be permitted to fall upon your shrinking soul but that the love of God permits it, and works out from its depths, blessing and spiritual enrichment unseen, and unthought of by you. --J. H. McC.</p><p>In one of George MacDonald's books occurs this fragment of conversation: "I wonder why God made me," said Mrs. Faber bitterly. "I'm sure I don't know what was the use of making me!"</p><p>"Perhaps not much yet," said Dorothy, "but then He hasn't done with<b> </b>you yet. He is making you now, and you are quarrelling with the process."</p><p>If men would but believe that they are in process of creation, and consent to be made--let the Maker handle them as the potter the clay, yielding themselves in resplendent motion and submissive, hopeful action with the turning of His wheel--they would ere long find themselves able to welcome every pressure of that hand on them, even when it was felt in pain; and sometimes not only to believe but to recognize the Divine end in view, the bringing of a son unto glory.</p><i></i><p><i>"Not a single shaft can hit,<br />Till the God of love sees fit</i>."</p><div><br /></div></span><p></p><p></p></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35674781.post-68511348978413907322010-04-08T23:52:00.003-05:002010-04-09T00:14:24.777-05:00I guess I should go back and read through my own posts....how quickly my heart and head seem to forget the truths the Lord has spoken over my life. In a matter of moments,life seems to crumble and the all the things I dread most come to past. At the end of the day, I am left sitting here wondering where I lost my focus. Wondering how to climb back out. Wondering how I am going to plant my feet firmly on the rock and not run as fast as I can to the nearest escape. <div><br /></div><div>Someday's I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate the fear that accompanies intimacy and authenticity. But it's inevitable. Especially when you want to obey the Lord. Especially when you want to be used by him. So the walls must come down. And you must get close to people. And that takes incredible risk. </div><div><br /></div><div>Fear is the greatest weapon that seems to come against me during these times that require honesty and openness in relationships. I am so afraid of stupid things. But those stupid things hurt! Things like rejection, disapproval, failure. If you get close enough you might not like what you see. So I keep hiding. Or attempting to hide. Unfortunately, everything I try to hide behind the Lord keeps removing. That is one way to lead me to find refuge in his arms alone!</div><div><br /></div><div>The problem is when, as a Loving Father, he pushes out of security and tells us to look fear in its eyes and say's to our hearts. " Do not fear." If I didn't know him so well, I would probably question his love. He knows my deepest fear and knows the things it holds me back from in areas of serving him. So the Lord puts me right there in front of that intimidating wall and commands me to climb over it. To push through. To see the truth and stand my ground. To rest in his perfect love and not allow fear to steal the victory. </div><div><br /></div><div>Sometimes it feels almost cruel. My heart cries out, " Seriously, Lord. Do we really have to deal with that fear, that issue that is buried so deep I didn't even know it existed?" I beg him to deal with some of those less serious, more superficial wounds and fears. But he knows best. He always does. So he reaches deep within and performs his work while I cry, struggle, and plead. He persists even when I question his way and his method. His perfect love invades and casts out fear. </div><div><br /></div><div>I am glad that even in those moments when I am screaming for relief, when I am begging for a different way, or when I am desperately searching for an escape; the Lord continues his work. He holds me still. He keeps me here in this place where he can work. He doesn't give up. He keeps working away, creating a beautiful masterpiece. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35674781.post-70178426326123155832010-04-02T09:02:00.000-05:002010-04-02T09:03:26.134-05:00<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: medium; "><div align="left"><p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;"><b>Author:</b> Mrs. Charles E. Cowman<br /><b>Source:</b> Streams in the Desert<br /><b>Scripture Reference:</b> <a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/bible?version=NIV&language=english&passage=Exodus%2016:20" target="_blank" style="color: rgb(0, 102, 204); font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; text-decoration: none; ">Exodus 16:20</a><br /></span></p></div><p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;"><b>Do Not Yield to Discouragement</b></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;"><i></i></span></p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;"><i></i><p><i>"They looked...and behold, the glory of the Lord appeared in the cloud" </i>(Exod. 16:10).</p><p>Get into the habit of looking for the silver lining of the cloud and when you have found it, continue to look at it, rather than at the leaden gray in the middle.</p><p>Do not yield to discouragement no matter how sorely pressed or beset you may be. A discouraged soul is helpless. He can neither resist the wiles of the enemy himself, while in this state, nor can he prevail in prayer for others.</p><p>Flee from every symptom of this deadly foe as you would flee from a viper. And be not slow in turning your back on it, unless you want to bite the dust in bitter defeat.</p><p>Search out God's promises and say aloud of each one: "This promise is mine." If you still experience a feeling of doubt and discouragement, pour out your heart to God and ask Him to rebuke the adversary who is so mercilessly nagging you.</p><p>The very instant you whole-heartedly turn away from every symptom of distrust and discouragement, the blessed Holy Spirit will quicken your faith and inbreathe Divine strength into your soul.</p><p>At first you may not be conscious of this, still as you resolutely and uncompromisingly "snub" every tendency toward doubt and depression that assails you, you will soon be made aware that the powers of darkness are falling back.</p><p>Oh, if our eyes could only behold the solid phalanx of strength, of power, that is ever behind every turning away from the hosts of darkness, God-ward, what scant heed would be given to the effort of the wily foe to distress, depress, discourage us!</p><p>All the marvelous attributes of the Godhead are on the side of the weakest believer, who in the name of Christ, and in simple, childlike trust, yields himself to God and turns to Him for help and guidance. --Selected</p><p>On a day in the autumn, I saw a prairie eagle mortally wounded by a rifle shot. His eye still gleamed like a circle of light. Then he slowly turned his head, and gave one more searching and longing look at the sky. He had often swept those starry spaces with his wonderful wings. The beautiful sky was the home of his heart. It was the eagle's domain. A thousand times he had exploited there his splendid strength. In those far away heights be had played with the lightnings, and raced with the winds, and now, so far away from home, the eagle lay dying, done to the death, because for once be forgot and flew too low. The soul is that eagle. This is not its home. It must not lose the skyward look. We must keep faith, we must keep hope, we must keep courage, we must keep Christ. We would better creep away from the battlefield at once if we are not going to be brave. There is no time for the soul to stampede. Keep the skyward look, my soul; keep the skyward look!</p><i><p>"Keep looking up--<br />The waves that roar around thy feet,<br />Jehovah-Jireh will defeat<br />When looking up.</p></i><i></i><p><i>"Keep looking up--<br />Though darkness seems to wrap thy soul;<br />The Light of Light shall fill</i> <i>thy soul<br />When looking up.<br /></i></p><i><p>"Keep looking up--<br />When worn, distracted with the fight;<br />Your Captain gives you conquering might<br />When you look up."</p></i><p>We can never see the sun rise by looking into the west. --Japanese Proverb</p><div><br /></div></span><p></p><p></p></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35674781.post-85009456465029850762010-03-23T23:56:00.002-05:002010-03-24T00:37:02.318-05:00Little Glimmers of Hope<div><br /></div><div>Hope seems to be the focus this week for my heart and mind. I am so excited to share what the Lord has shown me. Each little reminder feels like healing salve to my heart. Each time I watch the Lord work I feel strengthened and full of courage. And every time he speaks his truth over my heart, circumstances come that seem set to disprove that very truth. Yet, the Lord uses those circumstances to firmly root those precious truths deep within my heart and mind, removing all the doubt. </div><div><br /></div><div>Events over the past few days have caused me to question whether we were making the right choices regarding the future of our children's education. Fears and feelings of inadequacies were filling my every thought. The conflict in my heart was fierce. Like a tug of war between wondering if I can really do this and the determination to prove to everyone that I can do this, the battle raged. When it all came down to the end though, the true question was what the Lord, and only the Lord, had led us to do. </div><div><br /></div><div>I know without a shadow of a doubt that this is what the Lord has for us right now in this time. For how long I don't know. I just know that this is what we have peace about. So many things have confirmed this decision and tonight those things are reminders to me of the Lord's leading. I am so excited and eager with expectation over what the Lord will do in the hearts of my children and in our hearts as parents. </div><div><br /></div><div>Tonight, I had a picture of what the outcome will be as I keep my goal as a "homeschool mom" focused on the goal the Lord has given me. My goal is simply to capture each moment as an opportunity to point my kids to the Lord. That is my whole purpose in this new journey. I have been praying for the Lord to give me a joy in my calling as their mom and for a supernatural love for my children and my husband. I am a warrior-mother and the battle is for the souls of my children. I know that I don't have to be a homeschooler to do this...but for this time in our life I need more time with my kids. </div><div><br /></div><div>The picture I was given was in a simple exchange between me and my precious Joshua. I was working on research for Brittney's report and was writing notes. Josh simply said, " Don't tell me Mom. I know that you are doing your bible study, aren't you? I told him not this time but that I had earlier. True to his nature, his mind was spinning and his questions started flowing out. He said, " Do you remember when you were little, you said you read your bible every day so you could know all about Jesus? And you wrote love notes in your notebook to Jesus? Mom I want to have bible study every morning so I can know Jesus like you do." He then continued for the next couple of hours asking all the details of how to have a quiet time. He wanted to know do you get up early in the morning? What do you write? Can you read one of your stories to me so I know how to do it? Will you help me have a bible study? Will you wake me up when you wake up so I don't forget? So many precious questions of a heart beginning to stir towards a personal relationship with the Lord. </div><div><br /></div><div>And those questions gave me hope. Hope that the Lord is at work. Hope that he will do his work in each of us, in my heart, in the heart of my husband, and the hearts of my children. He showed me then and there that He will make this journey of homeschooling successful...because if the only thing they walk away with is the knowledge and desire of how to truly walk with the Lord they will have the best education they could ever have. I have been drowning in all the parenting failures that seem to scream out louder than any success. Yet, here the Lord proves that he is more interested in the heart and that a heart that wants Him is the true definition of success. And he proved that, despite my failures, he is able to accomplish his will. </div><div><br /></div><div> </div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35674781.post-75163725285813185642010-03-19T13:39:00.002-05:002010-03-19T13:46:02.908-05:00<p class="MsoNormal">A friend asked me recently what incredible things God was doing in my life. I wrote this in response and wanted to share it here in hopes that it might encourage some of you. </p> <p class="MsoNormal">On my way home yesterday, I was thinking about how incredible it is when the Lord reveals to you your gifts and then he uses them to touch someone else. Even more incredible is how he uses the pain and trials in your life for good. I realized though that we have to choose to be where he wants us and not fight against it. A change of how we think and perceive the things happening in our lives is required to see those things as being part of his will. </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Once my heart finally surrendered to the Lord completely it was like a flood of his presence has filled every part of me. Everything I read, everything I hear seems to point me back to the truth. Pastor Al’s sermon combined with a book I am reading reminded me that these things that are bringing so much pain into my life are not meant for evil. They are meant for good…good because they drive me to an intimate relationship with the Lord. Good because it has given me the opportunity to reach out to others who are suffering and point them to the Lord in it. Good because they are producing something of such greater value than a life void of pain. <span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Seeing all of this in light of how God is going to use it and is using it has increased my trust in Him and his ability to work it all out according to HIS purpose. I am learning that being at rest in his will comes from trusting his purpose and not having to work it out according to what I think he should do with it. </p> <p class="MsoNormal">I guess I kind of feel like he has softened me into pliable clay. I have never felt so intimate with the Lord as I do right now. That is exciting to me because for years I have looked back to my teenage years and considered that to have been my strongest time spiritually. Not so good to be walking with the Lord for so long and to have lost that freshness in our relationship. It saddened me but not enough to stop fighting against Him and for my own way. I finally feel as though I can hear him again as he speaks truth in my heart. I can trust him with my heart. I can obey without fear. I can hear his correction and respond with surrender and not a “failure response” of giving up and running to sin rather than away from it.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>As a result, my heart finally feels again. It has been stone for a very long time. </p> <p class="MsoNormal">The Lord truly is becoming everything to me. In the past year, he has stripped away everything I was replacing him with. He is taking away the walls that I have been hiding behind.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>He gave me these certain friends who have challenged me in so many ways to find and cling to truth. He took my need to be pleasing to people and used that same need to face some things I really need to deal with and not run. In the process, its becoming more important to me what God thinks than what people think. I am not totally to that point of being free from my desire for approval but I think the Lord is loosening the fear that need had imprisoned my heart in. He took my greatest fear, brought it into my life, and then walked step by step through it, teaching my heart to seek approval in him and desire to hear his words alone, and then gave me what I needed in his way. So much healing took place in such a short amount of time and in a few powerful words. He is the very thing I thought I needed others to be.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">I never thought the Lord would ever choose to use me again. I have failed horribly. I have willingly chosen to sin in horrible ways- like a rebellious child determined to crush her Father’s heart. I have dared God to leave me and walk away. I have tried, like I have done in many relationships, to convince him he shouldn’t waste his time. And true to who he is, he has waited for me to surrender and has patiently and passionately pursued my heart. Now he has allowed my heart to feel the freedom and healing power of his forgiveness. One day in the past couple of weeks, my mind was flooded with images of so many of the times I chose to sin. Each time the thought would come to mind, the Lord was there reminding me that it was paid for. It was incredible to me how many of the songs I heard that day had to do with the past and forgiveness. </p> <p class="MsoNormal">So I am amazed and humbled that the Lord has given me the opportunity to be used again. It is bringing me so much joy. So much so that I never want to settle for less than God’s best again. I have been praying and asking him to allow me to have a women’s group again to lead, to serve, and to love. I am amazed now that he has brought these women together and it is more than I ever thought possible. I love it when the Lord allows me the opportunity to pour his love and truth into another person and getting to watch them grow. I have gotten to experience what happens when the Lord reveals things to us that have affected us and can be used as an excuse to justify our behavior. As I am learning to let go of those things and not let them be an excuse for me, I get to share with others how to do that too. Each time he gives me the opportunity to share with someone else, help someone else or serve someone I am overcome by joy. It makes everything else worth it to see God using it to bring someone else closer to him. </p> <p class="MsoNormal">What are the incredible things he is doing? He is giving me a soft heart. He has replaced my mourning with gladness. He has brought me to the edge, allowed me to see the possibilities of things I could lose and asked me whether I will still choose Him. He has given me a steadfast faith that says “No matter what happens, I will follow you.” <span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>He has spoken his words of love, worth, and truth into my heart and has given me faith to believe him and cling those words. If you had known me these past ten years and <span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>seen the icy wall around my heart, the desire to be free yet feeling like I am always drowning never able to reach the surface, heard the lies that have waged war against my mind and heart, and felt the intensity of the fear that has imprisoned me you would agree that the things the Lord is doing is incredible. In finally surrendering to His love and allowing him to be everything I need, I feel like I can face the future, with whatever it might hold, with courage, security, and peace. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35674781.post-30912710780824176072010-03-15T11:34:00.001-05:002010-03-15T11:34:24.972-05:00<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: medium; "><div align="left"><p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;"><b>Author:</b> Mrs. Charles E. Cowman<br /><b>Source:</b> Streams in the Desert<br /><b>Scripture Reference:</b> <a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/bible?version=NIV&language=english&passage=Revelation%2015:3" target="_blank" style="color: rgb(0, 102, 204); font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; text-decoration: none; ">Revelation 15:3</a><br /></span></p></div><p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;"><b>Songs of Praise Rise From Affliction</b></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;"><i></i></span></p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;"><i></i><p><i>"Just and true are thy ways, thou King of saints" </i>(Rev. 15:3).</p><p>The following incident is related by Mrs. Charles Spurgeon, who was a great sufferer for more than a quarter of a century:</p><p>"At the close of a dark and gloomy day, I lay resting on my couch as the deeper night drew on; and though all was bright within my cozy room, some of the external darkness seemed to have entered into my soul and obscured its spiritual vision. Vainly I tried to see the Hand which I knew held mine, and guided my fog-enveloped feet along a steep and slippery path of suffering. In sorrow of heart I asked,</p><p>"'Why does my Lord thus deal with His child? Why does He so often send sharp and bitter pain to visit me? Why does He permit lingering weakness to hinder the sweet service I long to render to His poor servants?'</p><p>"These fretful questions were quickly answered, and through a strange language; no interpreter was needed save the conscious whisper of my heart.</p><p>"For a while silence reigned in the little room, broken only by the crackling of the oak log burning in the fireplace. Suddenly I heard a sweet, soft sound, a little, clear, musical note, like the tender trill of a robin beneath my window.</p><p>"'What can it be? surely no bird can be singing out there at this time of the year and night.'</p><p>"Again came the faint, plaintive notes, so sweet, so melodious, yet mysterious enough to provoke our wonder. My friend exclaimed,</p><p>"'It comes from the log on the fire!' The fire was letting loose the imprisoned music from the old oak's inmost heart!</p><p>"Perchance he had garnered up this song in the days when all was well with him, when birds twittered merrily on his branches, and the soft sunlight flecked his tender leaves with gold. But he had grown old since then, and hardened; ring after ring of knotty growth had sealed up the long-forgotten melody, until the fierce tongues of the flames came to consume his callousness, and the vehement heart of the fire wrung from him at once a song and a sacrifice. 'Ah,' thought I, 'when the fire of affliction draws songs of praise from us, then indeed we are purified, and our God is glorified!'</p><p>"Perhaps some of us are like this old oak log, cold, hard, insensible; we should give forth no melodious sounds, were it not for the fire which kindles around us, and releases notes of trust in Him, and cheerful compliance with His will.</p><p>"'As I mused the fire burned,' and my soul found sweet comfort in the parable so strangely set forth before me.</p><p>"Singing in the fire! Yes, God helping us, if that is the only way to get harmony out of these hard apathetic hearts, let the furnace be heated seven times hotter than before."</p><div><br /></div></span><p></p><p></p></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35674781.post-52749630120817430872010-03-09T12:29:00.002-05:002010-03-09T12:41:00.919-05:00Pictures by Amy Carmichael <div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>The thoughts of the son ran thus: My hopes painted beautiful pictures, but they are fading one by one. </div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Then his father spoke to him: Thy hopes painted pictures? Destroy all those pictures. To watch them slowly fading is weakening to the soul. Dare then to destroy them. Thous canst if thou wilt. Thou must if thou wouldst be My warrior-son. I will thee other pictures instead of those thy hopes painted. Look up, O thou son of My love. </div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Then the son looked up and he saw a Cross raised high against the sunlight, then a darkness that might be felt. And he heard, as it were, an echo of a voice, "Father, glorify thy name"; and a Voice that answered I have both glorified it and will glorify it again. And he knew that strength and beauty were in the sanctuary and would presently pour forth. Calvary was not the end of that day's story. And his heart stayed itself upon this assurance: He shall choose our inheritance for us- no fading picture that, but the excellency of Jacob whom He loved. </div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35674781.post-9586743847706840242010-03-09T12:23:00.003-05:002010-03-09T12:29:32.534-05:00From Amy Carmichael, "His Thoughts Said...His Father Said..."<div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>His thoughts said, "Father there are some things I cannot forget."</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>His Father said," The humbling memory will help thee to walk softly with Me and tenderly with others. But even so there is relief from all distress. O thou that art named the house of Jacob, is the Spirit of the Lord straitened? When I spoke unto Israel in the visions of the night, I did not use the that glorious name; I used the old name which had so a sorrowful a meaning. I said, Jacob, Jacob, and he answered , "Here I am."</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Jacob, Jacob, the deceiver, the supplanter, that name is a reminder of thy fall, but also and far more of My mercy. It is to thee I am speaking, to thee, not to another, worthier one, but to thee, My child- Jacob, Jacob. </div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35674781.post-11314134346647217842010-03-08T09:48:00.001-05:002010-03-08T09:48:33.971-05:00<p class="MsoNormal">How majestic are your whispers, O Lord. The words of the song rolled off my tongue and I couldn’t help but smile. I knew a little something about the whispers of the Almighty God. Standing in the midst of other worshipers as we declared the truth of the Lord, made the words of this song feel like I was on the inside of an inside joke. An intimate exchange between me and the Lover of my Soul could be described in the majesty of the whisper of God.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>The sovereignty of God, ordering these particular worship songs to be sung on this very day, was nothing less than a continuation of this exchange. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>The details of the encounter from the night before flooded my mind and melted my heart. Healing words had washed over my broken spirit. Words from man joined the words of God. Both working hand in hand to restore the assurance I so desperately needed. Only the Lord could have known the words I needed spoken over the ache in my heart. He alone knew the cry of my heart. He had seen the struggle. He knew how much I was doubting my worth and place in this world. He knew how unloved I felt. He knew the battle that was daily raging in my mind as I fought against insecurity and accusations. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>So he whispered.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in">He whispered his truth. <span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">I love you. <o:p></o:p></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">You can do this. <o:p></o:p></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Be brave.<o:p></o:p></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I have given you strength. <o:p></o:p></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">I am so proud of you.<o:p></o:p></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>You are my treasured possession.<o:p></o:p></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I have chosen you. <o:p></o:p></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Look in my eyes and see how I see you. <o:p></o:p></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"><o:p> </o:p></i></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"><o:p> </o:p></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"><o:p> </o:p></i></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35674781.post-55502667804393211622010-03-07T23:44:00.002-05:002010-03-08T00:07:14.534-05:00Writing from my heart comes naturally for me. I am a die hard journal writer. I am even more a hopeless romantic who delights in finding the treasure in each moment. Each experience becomes something of value to be cherished. Each intimate time with the Lord leaves behind some altar of remembrance to be looked back on and learned from. Put my love for writing together with my love for sharing with the Lord is doing and you have a never ending flow of words! I just can't help it. Keeping such incredible moments to myself feel like I am robbing others from great treasure. <div><br /></div><div>Sometimes my mouth seems to run over and it gets me in trouble. One too many times I have said things or shared things that were just a little too much. I just don't know what not to say sometimes. The problem is this: when the Lord changes your life, you want to shout it from the mountain tops. When he sets you free from something that has held you in bondage, you want to tell your fellow prisoners so they to can be free. When He speaks into the deepest parts of your heart and brings healing with his intimate love, you want to speak those same words to those around you who are hurting. When he is at work in your life and is allowing you to join him in that work, you want to call out to the people watching inviting them to join you too. When Jesus becomes everything to you, you just can't help but tell someone. </div><div><br /></div><div>Being vulnerable is difficult. It means allowing the Lord to strip away all you hide behind and allow your heart and your life to be raw and exposed to those around you. Its painful, at times, when you know that there are so many watching you struggle and you don't really know what they are thinking. Vulnerability costs you the security of the mask you hide behind. Yet, for those who are willing to be vulnerable and real, comes such great rewards. True intimacy with the Lover of your soul. True friendships with people who love the real you. True freedom. And the joy of being used by God as he uses your struggles to reach someone else. </div><div><br /></div><div>How else can I reach back and strengthen my brothers and sisters if I am not willing to share with you genuinely? Honestly, aren't we stirred greatly in the depths of our souls when we here someone's story of redemption? Aren't we spurred on towards godliness when we see someone struggle and fail and yet get back up and keep pressing on towards the goal? I know I am. That's why I have to tell my story. There is too much at stake to keep the works of my God to myself. </div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35674781.post-69717572939871284032010-03-07T08:58:00.002-05:002010-03-07T08:58:29.986-05:00<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: medium; "><div align="left"><p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;"><b>Author:</b> Mrs. Charles E. Cowman<br /><b>Source:</b> Streams in the Desert<br /><b>Scripture Reference:</b> <a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/bible?version=NIV&language=english&passage=2%20Corinthians%207:5" target="_blank" style="color: rgb(0, 102, 204); font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; text-decoration: none; ">2 Corinthians 7:5</a><br /></span></p></div><p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;"><b>Our Dependency on Christ</b></span></p><p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;"><i></i></span></p><span style="font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:85%;"><i></i><p><i>"We are troubled on every side" </i>(2<i> </i>Cor. 7:5).</p><p>Why should God have to lead us thus, and allow the pressure to be so hard and constant? Well, in the first place, it shows His all-sufficient strength and grace much better than if we were exempt from pressure and trial. "The treasure is in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us."</p><p>It makes us more conscious of our dependence upon Him. God is constantly trying to teach us our dependence, and to hold us absolutely in His hand and hanging upon His care.</p><p>This was the place where Jesus Himself stood and where He wants us to stand, not with self-constituted strength, but with a hand ever leaning upon His, and a trust that dare not take one step alone. It teaches us trust.</p><p>There is no way of learning faith except by trial. It is God's school of faith, and it is far better for us to learn to trust God than to enjoy life.</p><p>The lesson of faith once learned, is an everlasting acquisition and an eternal fortune made; and without trust even riches will leave us poor. --Days of Heaven upon Earth</p><i><p>"Why must I weep when others sing?<br />'To test the deeps of suffering.'<br />Why must I work while others rest?<br />'To spend my strength at God's request.'<br />Why must I lose while others gain?<br />'To understand defeat's sharp pain.'<br />Why must this lot of life be mine<br />When that which fairer seems is thine?<br />'Because God knows what plans for me<br />Shall blossom in eternity.'"</p><div><br /></div></i></span><p></p><p></p></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0