Thursday, July 23, 2009

If the world spins fast enough, can you be thrown off of it? It certainly feels like that is what has happened to my world lately. Things have officially spun out of control. Right now, there are so many emotions flying around that I can't even go there...but I will let you know what we are facing right now. Overall, Jon is physically good. His blood counts are starting to suffer from his chemo. His platelets are quite low right now and the other levels are staying low. But we are pressing on with chemo next week. That makes me tired already just thinking about it!

The psychiatrist is trying his hardest to figure out what to do to help us. There are no easy answers and no easy explanantions. For right now, we are going to attempt to remove the medications he is on and start over. For reasons I don't quite understand they are thinking inpatient is not a possiblilty for this unless he completely loses it and ends up in the emergency room. Everything I have ever read or know of, recommends in these situations doing a med wash inpatient. So this makes me very nervous. At the same time I actually asked them to do this. Jon has been on medication since the year after his first surgery... so we really don't know what he would be like without them or with less or different meds. And at this point I am willing to do anything.
Unfortunately, the hardest part about the dr's plan is that they would also like to put him in a day treatment program. I am not sure how beneficial this would be but they want to try anything that might have the possibility of working. Its only a few weeks probably but it would require staying in Denver or driving back and forth every day. Worth it if there is a benefit but I just don't know that there will be. This possibilty has already caused great emotional turmoil. So I don't know what to do.

Please pray for us. We are already very emotionally spent, tired, and frustrated parents trying so hard to do what is best for all of our children. And honestly, I am not sure what that is anymore. My brain is on overload as the battle continues to rage. I need truth to hold on to...and this is the time when most of what is true goes out the door. So I am clinging to what I know is true...but my grip is slipping. Please keep praying.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

My heart feels like it is being torn in pieces. I don't know why but I am having a hard time coping these days. Feeling like an emotional roller coaster. I don't even know how to describe what is going on...just today several times over nothing Jon has erupted in a violent tangent of words mixed with biting or hurting himself. The conversation usually go like this: "I hate you, I hate you you stupid fat head brat jerk. Everyone hates me and I hate them. I want to kill everyone. No one makes me happy. I am going to dunk everyone in water and make them die.This family sucks. I don't want to be in this stupid sucky family. " Then moments later he is being "best brothers" with the one he just attacked. There is no trigger that can be avoided because everything is a trigger. My head is swimming in a desperate search for help and my heart is aching because I see this child and want to help him and can't. And I feel so awful for seeing death as his only way out. I want God to deliver him, heal him, and protect my other children. I know he can but I am having a hard time hanging onto his promise tonight.

I once wondered and told God that I would not deny him ever. I thought for sure I would be able to look at a gun pointed to my head and not deny my Lord. I knew I could take his word and love to anywhere risking my life and not shrink back. I prayed for opportunities to "prove" my commitment to my Jesus. I just had no idea that this would be the way I would be chosen to prove face moment by moment this horror knowing that God could take it away at any moment but he doesn't because the He knows that his will is better than what I ask for. So though the tears pour, and I feel overwhelmed, tired, afraid, confused, and hurt I won't walk away from the one who endured so much more just to call me His.

Please pray for us tonight and through the weekend. I take Jon to Denver in the morning...sinus dr, oncology, and psychiatry. I am going in with my fighting shoes on.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Its another late night for me! I am waiting for laundry to be done so I can finish packing...Brittney and Jason are going to camp again tomorrow. This time they have the incredible opportunity to attend Camp Eagle Lake through the Navigators/Glen Eyerie. This is so exciting!!!! We can not wait to hear what God will do through and in our children's lives this week.

The other kids are going to Mamaw camp for a couple of days. They too will have a wonderful time and will spriritually be nutured. I am so blessed to have a wonderful mother in law who takes her role as grandma seriously.

And I will be completely honest- I get to spend a couple of days with no kids. This is the one thing I am looking forward to the most. I am so ready for a small break to rest and refresh. I can't wait to sleep!!!!

Anyway, thanks to all of you who have prayed me through the past couple of days. Your prayers have been answered and the Lord is my truly proving himself to be faithful in being my strength.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Reminders of God's grace, blessing, and sovereignty are flooding my life right now. I have no other way to explain it. Its been an intense ride these past few months with the Lord. Sometimes its hard to even put words to what He is doing. I just know he is alive and breathing life into me. I finally feel as though the Holy Spirit has centered my life in Christ and a peace that has been missing for so long has returned.

Its funny though that my heart feels so alive and so excited when circumstances have been and continue to be so bleak. This just further convinces me that intimate time with Jesus changes our perspective. My circumstances have not changed. But my outlook has. My child is still sick. The possibility of death still looms on the horizon. The destruction this horrible disease has brought into our lives still exists. Time with Jesus has transformed my perspective. What was nothing but defeat, failure, and sadness has become a challenge, adventure, and an opportunity to see just how big our God is and what He is able to accomplish.

Once Jonathan was diagnosed, I had pretty much accepted that there were things that we just would not do. So many dreams died that day. Recently, though the Lord has begun to show me that there is nothing impossible for Him. Why does this diagnosis have to change what God has called our family to do? Maybe it is just part of the plan. Maybe God wants to use this child in his way to reach people we could never have had the opportunity to reach had we not been walking this road. One of those dreams that "I" decided was to always be a thing of the past was missions. Those of you who know me, know that this is something that lies at the heart of who I am. Through a series of events and time with God, I believe that he is showing us that this dream is not impossible. I don't know anything more than that. I don't know if one day the Lord will allow us to return to the mission field to live there or just to go on short term trips. Or to lead others there. I just know we are to prepare. That is God's word to me now: to use this season of my life to prepare financially, spiritually, and physically.

What some of you might not know is that it is Jonathan's dream to go to Peru. When we were deciding where to go for his wish trip, the first thing he asked to do was go to Peru. We didn't go there but it has never stopped being something he says he wants to do. This child loves Spanish. And here we are in Colorado where there is a large population of Spanish speaking people and Jonathan seeks them out and sings Spanish worship songs to them. You should here him in the doctor's office's. Its incredible. So my prayer is that the Lord will make a way for us to take Jon to this country that he loves one day in the near future.

I am constantly reminded that God's ways are not my ways and I will be forever grateful for that. Sometimes it can be years before we actually see why the Lord chose things to be why they are. Sometimes all we get it is one word from the Lord guiding us and we have to choose to obey or to disobey that word. Sometimes it makes no sense and sometimes his way hurts. Sometimes he tells us no to something we really want or that we think is the best for us. I have been thinking lately about what might my life had been like if I had had my way and not God's way. Somethings are yet to be seen, but here is just one of those things I might have missed out on.

Special friends. God has worked a miracle lately. It is a picture of incredible grace, forgiveness and the working that only he could do. He has brought two families together that in all likelihood would have been the furthest from ever being friends much less share the connection that we do. There are five children in both of our families. The way our children have connected is so incredible that it is like God created them to be friends. Everyday that they are together blesses my heart because I see how God's no answer 15 years ago was in part because he was preparing in advance a yes answer to our prayers for friends for us and our children. See 16 years ago I was engaged to these other children's dad. We both thought that was God's way but God said no. Had we chosen to disobey, we wouldn't be enjoying the intimate fellowship that our families have today. I would not be experiencing the joy of the friendship with his wife. There would not be these 10 incredible children who God has an incredible plan for. The list goes on and on of how life would have been different had we not obeyed the simple no we were given.

There are so many ways. I am going to make a list soon so I can remember what God has done.
I better go get lunch ready. Thanks for sticking with me through this long post of random thinking.

Saturday, July 04, 2009

This article is something I am very passionate about.
Misdiagnosed: Knowing When and How to Advocate for Your Child
There is so much going on that I would love to share with everyone... I just haven't gotten it all formulated in my brain yet. Still trying to digest it all. to say the least I have a new found joy and excitement that seems to be outweighing the bad days. I will share soon. I promise.

In the meantime, if you have a few minutes will you please click on the articles below. You don't have to read them unless you want to. I am trying to work diligently towards our goal of getting out of debt so we will be ready for what God wants us to do in the future. But since I can't really get a job outside of my home, I am trying to write as many articles as I can. In most cases they pay per view so I need as many views as I can get. Thank you for your help!

Gluten Free Chicken and Dumplings
Camping at Colorado Campground
Literary Motifs in Lord of the Rings: Return of the Kings
Photos of Manitou Lake in Woodland Park, Colorado
How to Make Good Bread Using a Bread Machine
How to Make a Rubber Duck Themed Baby Shower Cake
How to Make Gluten Free Chocolate Chip Cookies