Thank you so much for all of your prayers for our family. For the moment, calm has returned and I hope that it will stick around for a little while. The kids start school next week. Jason, Josh, and Britt will be going to a brand new charter school. I have mixed feelings but I am sure, despite my personal sadness, that this is what is best for them. They need a life outside this house and a place of respite for themselves from this nasty disease. I know they will enjoy making new friends. I worry about many things educationally because they all three are a little behind, especially in reading and writing. This is because of the dyslexia. I think there is just a part of me that isn't looking forward to the battle that might be on the horizon as I advocate for them.
Britt was in tears of her spelling the other day. She is so worried that she will get an F. I told her we don't care as long she tries her best...but her perfection requires perfect scores. I think we may be in for a rough year. There is such a fine line of balance that lies in enabling them to deal with the real world and wanting to rescue from the pain of the cruel world that we live in.
So yes, school is going to bring relief and hours of quiet but it will bring new challenges, new time commitments, and even more on my already full plate. And just wait until the snow starts falling and I have to drive them to school...that's a story for another day...I just keep telling myself that it will be ok. I have to continually guard my mind against viewing them going to school as a sign of failure on my part or something stolen from me. I pray the Lord keeps reminding me that this is best for them.
On the other side, I am excited about having time just to spend with Jonathan and Mya. Jonathan made a lot of progress in school last year and I am hopeful that he will continue this year. Maybe even more since he will have my full attention. He is so eager to get started. I plan on having him go to Zach's Place or Mamaw's house once a week so I can have a day with just Mya or just by myself. I am learning how vital that is for us to survive.
Tomorrow we go to see the psychiatrist with Jonathan. I am taking Shawn with me as I fear this may not be the best appointment. I don't want this dr. to think that I am a difficult parent...just want him to understand that we have to do what's best for Jonathan and the entire family. As we have prayed about it, I feel as though the Lord is leading against the day treatment program. Instead, I feel as though he has shown me some other things to do instead. Some of this is scary for me because it may not work and I don't want to be wrong. And I don't want to say...God told me to do this and then have it fail...and give God a bad name. Does that make sense? Talk about having to grow in faith!!!
Basically, my plan is to saturate Jonathan in prayer and God's word first. I believe that God can change and minister to him despite his illness. I know when I spend time with the Lord my perspective is different, my ability to cope is greater, I am just changed by his presence. He is that powerful that just time with him changes us. I don't think this is the cure totally without any other changes...just feel led to trust God in a deeper way than I have in the past. This has been one of those areas that I for some strange reason really didn't believe that God's word remained true in . In addition to this we are changing some of the ways we parent and respond to his meltdowns. This involves teaching the entire family how to use cues to prevent episodes. Involves alot more attention and intervention on my part but worth it if it brings peace to our house. I am still researching how this all will work but already there is a change in my home. I think its because we are proactive and have quit being despondent.
Really no one knows what to do with Jonathan. But I am determined to not give up. I will keep trying anything and will keep seeking the Lord. He knows the answer!
We just finished the fourth cycle of chemo. 4 more to go! So far so good...but we will see how he is in a week or two when his counts start dropping. Please pray that as school starts that God will protect my kids from illness. Jonathan needs to stay well.
I will update tomorrow after the appointment.