Wednesday, October 31, 2007

What does a person write about at 3am???? Coffee of course! Caffiene...hopefully it will get me through this day...3 hours before the morning begins and yesterday has never ended!

Seems to be how it goes. Daddy goes out of town and things are just weird at our house. I can count at least one child with a fever or illness of some sort. I can always count on someone being awake before the sun... This week Mya is the culprit. An ear infection has brought the fever. Pain, treated by ibuprofen and tylenol, has been replaced with a giddy mood. I had to double check that it was just ibuprofen she had! The child woke up 4 times in the 3 hours she did sleep. And has still not gone back to sleep since midnight. She sang for awhile. Tossed and turned. Cried. Talked.

Finally I gave up. If I am not going to sleep might as well be up, right? So I am having my first cup of coffee and baking bread for breakfast since I got my new shipment of flour yesterday!

I have had a lot on my mind and much to pray about today so I am thanking God for the early morning quiet. Perhaps my little angel will sleep all morning...then I can process all that is happening in my heart. I will leave you with these lyrics from a Steven Curtis Chapman song that really blessed me the other day.

I watch you looking out across the raging water

So sure your only hope lies on the other side

You hear the enemy that's closing in around you

And I know that you don't have the strength to fight

But do you have the faith to stand and...

Believe Me now Believe Me here Remember all the times I've told you loud and clear I am with you and I am for you So believe Me now Believe Me now

I am the One who waved my hand and split the ocean

I am the One who spoke the words and raised the dead

And I've loved you long before I set the world in motion

I know all the fears you're feeling now

But do you remember who I am?Do you..

Believe Me now Believe Me here Remember all the times I've told you loud and clear I am with you And I am for you So believe Me now

Believe it's true

I never have, I never will abandon you

And the God that I have always been I will forever be

So believe Me now

I am the God who never wastes a single hurt that you endure

My words are true, and all My promises are sure

So believe Me now

Oh, believe Me now

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Happy Fall Break!!
Yes, the chaos has begun. I am actually excited- my hope is to spend this week loving on my kids. My mother in law flew in for the week and we have several fun activities planned. First, is the great hunt for pumpkins. We may have to resort to the local walmart but hope to find a pumpkin patch somewhere. The drought has seriously affected our pumpkin patches.
Along with the excitement and chaos, the underlying nagging feeling of something being wrong with my dear Jonathan still remains. He has had a really rough week and a half. He is very nauseated and in a lot of pain. He is sick and his temp. keeps going up and down. He had a melt down in the church parking lot this morning. Since he can't take his medicine without throwing up his mood stabilizing med. levels are dropping. So he is manic on top of everything else. My heart aches on mornings like this... I just want him to spend one day without pain, sickness, or feeling out of sorts. Heaven will be so wonderful.
I better get back to work on my projects... the kiddos are at the park with Mamaw and Jon and Mya are asleep... so there is a little peace in the midst of the storm!!!

Monday, October 15, 2007

Thank you all for your prayers today. I wish I could go into great detail...maybe someday I will have the permission I need in order to share the whole story. But I do have to tell you my heart is leaping with anticipation and excitement. Tonight after a full day of interceeding for this person who is so dear to my heart I heard words I could only dream of hearing: " I met Jesus!"

These words and the ones that followed brought me to tears. God truly does use the bad for good. He has heard as we have prayed for salvation... a true saving knowledge of the Lord that brings forth life and desire. I listened to a heart that appears to be finally surrendered apply all that he knows is truth... questions that caught me by surprise: What will my spiritual gift be? What if I don't like my gift can I ask for a new one? Do I have to only listen to chrisitian music? Even down to a commitment to tithe.... this one cracked me up!

I feel like a mama who has just given birth. Now the hard part begins. The everyday training and growing and teaching and loving. Oh, God give me the grace and knowledge, wisdom, and love. Tonight I am going to rest thanking God that he gave me the will to obey him no matter what the circumstances appear to be. Please keep praying for God to show himself so real and so big!

Sunday, October 14, 2007

This picture makes me laugh. Maybe I should hang it up where I can always see it...I need to remember to laugh. The days are so full of pain and chaos and things that just must be done that I don't stop and laugh anymore. Its bad when your children notice... the one time recently that I really laughed, Brittney got so excited. Mommy you actually laughed. You never laugh.
I need to laugh. I need to play. I need to relax and just enjoy the day. Who really cares about all the things that must be done anyway? In light of eternity does it really matter if my house is a wreck???
Well, pray for me tomorrow to laugh. My children are all sick... everyone of them have varying degrees of fever... I kept three home from church this morning and sent the well ones.. only for them to spike fevers later this evening. Sorry friends!!! Of course, as it always goes, when Daddy's away the germs come out to play. So pray for me this could be a rough three days. For now I am rejoining in the fact that we don't have to get up at the crack of dawn in the morning to meet the bus. Not that we won't be up but the key word is we don't have to !!!
Tomorrow will also be hard concerning my previous post. I have to deal with the situation head on tomorrow without my husband. I have to be strong and say no. I have to stand my ground on a decision that will cause someone to be homeless. I hate it. I hate having to let people face consequences of their choices. I want to rescue so badly. But I want his life and soul to be saved more than his temporary comfort. I still don't know what to do... but find it awfully coincidental that my children are sick thus limiting my ability to rescue!!! Pray for the person involved. He faces a great big scary world tomorrow with very few places to turn.
P.S. The picture above is me and my best friend... it was taken 13 years ago. We were at this crazy restaurant at Magic Mountain in California. It was such a blast. I really miss my dear friend... hopefully if everything works out we will finally get the chance to live in the same state some time next year!!!! That's another secret for another day. Shhhh!!!!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

It has been a heart wrenching couple of days here in our home. I can not go into detail because it would violate some one's privacy but I ask you to please be in prayer. I promise that my immediate family is safe and doing fine...please don't worry about that. Please pray specifically for God's supernatural intervention, that he would bring a specific person to a lifesaving knowledge of Christ, and pray for us to have wisdom and courage to do a very difficult thing. I know that if we storm the gates of heaven with our prayers God, who knows the entire situation, will be faithful to answer our prayers because it is not his will that any perish without him.

Pray also for my children as they try to process what has happened. They have just experienced a huge life lesson and I am thrilled to see God take what was meant for evil and use it to plant seeds of faith and spiritual growth in their hearts. But they are sad and have experienced a loss that they can't fully understand.

Thank you for your prayers, my friends. I will post again soon with more uplifting news!

Monday, October 01, 2007

Do you know how there are those days when God is speaking to your heart and you just can't put words to what he is saying? It seems the past few days have been like that for me. I can feel the Spirit moving in my heart- I know God is breaking through yet another layer and is taking me deeper. The funny thing is how the enemy convinces me how hard I have become and how far I am from God. Then all of sudden the Lord meets me and I am reminded that I can never be too far away from my Jesus.
This morning I tried to write down what God is saying during my quiet time (yes, I actually had a quiet time!!!!). I asked God to help me listen because I didn't want to miss what he was speaking to my heart. And just as he has promised... God came and met me and spoke to my heart through his word. I am amazed all the time how whatever we are led to read that day is exactly what we needed to hear.
The first verse I read came from Psalm 31:24. It says: "Be of good courage and he will strengthen your heart; all you who hope in the Lord. " I don't know about you, but my heart needs strengthening. My heart is tired, overwhelmed, aching, broken, burdened, and desperate for escape. And here the Lord who loves me more than I could ever imagine tells me he will strengthen my heart- not just my body or mind or even soul... but my heart. He will give me strength and courage as long as I don't retreat from the battle at hand... I choose to hope today in the one who gives me strength!
Then as if that was enough treasure for the day the next verse said: When my heart is overwhelmed lead me to the Rock who is higher than me. Psalm 61:2. Not only did God know my heart would be overwhelmed he gave me a place to run. I think I am going to have to take a trip to the mountains ( if there is such a thing here in Knoxville!!!) or get my friend in Colorado to send me a picture or a giant rock and put this verse with it as a reminder. Being overwhelmed is not a problem if I know and choose where to go with the feeling.
Choice. This is what I have been hearing God say lately. Choices are set before me daily. Life or Death. Blessing or Curse. What choice will I make? A choice unto death through defeat or despair? Or a choice that leads to life by running to that rock, finding refuge as the lover of my soul tenderly strengthens my heart? Too often lately I have chosen death- to live life in my own power. I have been overwhelmed by all the "expectations" I have placed on myself in motherhood, marriage and godly living.
The other morning when I had the first encounter with God in a long time I was on the floor scrubbing it. Worship music was playing in the background and my heart was conversing with the Lord. A certain song came on and God used it to give me a glimpse of his heart. I was broken over how much time I am wasting on petty things. Energy spent on things that don't matter. Unfortunately, the enemy took this and ran with it. All day I was stricken with this anxiety and urgency to "do". The less I could do the grumpier I got. Which completely was not the point of what God was speaking to my heart.
What God was saying was to make a choice in several areas we are facing in our lives:
It is time to move on... a time of grieving and intense pain is ending. Healing has taken place in the first stage. It is time to move on to the next stage- learning how to love and function in a body of Christ again. It is time for fellowship, community, and ministry. So yesterday we decided to visit a new church close to our house. The church where we have been going has been a place for us to heal and get grounded again spiritually but it is not where we belong. We are not sure where God wants us only that it is time to go. We were refreshed and encouraged yesterday at the service we went to. I was so blessed to watch Jason go to class willingly and beg us to come back again. We are scared and nervous and want to make the right choice...this again is one of things that God is speaking to my heart... we need to step out and make a choice for life... if it is not where he wants us, God will let us know. All the "petty" things about individual churches don't really matter as long as God is worshiped, his word accurately preached and lived out among the believers. Pray for us in this decision... pray God will put us exactly where he wants us.
There's more about not wasting my life but I think this will be it for today... I must get back to the "living" and get started on the day... three hours of sleep will not last for very long so I better take advantage of my coffee induced energy while I have it!