I have a friend who is walking a similar road as me in that we are both battling this brain tumor in our children. She once used a word to describe the emotional state we sometimes find ourselves in. Emotionally fragile. Tonight that is what I think would describe me. One thing might be enough to send me over the edge.
My brain is tired. My body is tired. My heart is tired.
When I am tired, I am weak. And when I am weak I find myself to be very vulnerable to the overwhelming flaming arrows of the enemy. So desperate I am tonight to find shelter and refuge under the wings of the Almighty.
So desperate I am to somehow separate the circumstances and emotions from what I know is true about my Lord. Otherwise those arms that I need so badly to hold me right now will become ones that I despise and run from.
It is these kinds of nights when I find myself crying along with my daughter as she struggles with her homework and then cries as she tells me how she is struggling in school. I am angry that I feel that in this area my ability to meet their needs at their pace has been taken from me. And my emotions prevent me from being able to rightly encourage her. Instead I just cry and hate how I feel. Hate how much it makes me feel so angry at the people who didn't support my choice to homeschool last year and who never offered to help. People who now sing the praise of school but they aren't the ones stuggling through the pain of each day. Makes me crazy...these stupid emotions.
Same kind of angry sadness that overtakes me at the end of this several day battle of trying to take care of Jonathan and to figure out what is wrong with him. The exhaustion of fighting with each doctor, the trying to explain what they are missing, the watching every minute of the symptoms that no one else can see. The frustration of saying one thing and then being proven wrong but his appearance only to see the symptoms return when we are once again on our way home. The sadness of realizing that really there may not be an answer...that some kids just stay sick. Some kids just leave the hospital and never get better. Then I get angry at others "suggestions" and "comparisons"- its well intentioned but honestly I could do without.
Oh how I wish right now that I could take my kids and run to some deserted island and for just a little while just sit with them, hold them, play with them, and watch the sun set as the waves crash on the shore and be still in the presence of God. Just for a short time away from the pain and chaos. Just a little while to heal and rest.
But for now I am going to make some coffee, spend some time with Jesus, and do something for me.
*By the way, the consensus on Jon is that he has an infection...still unknown and untreated at this time. We are waiting on the EEG results..that in itself was an unpleasant experience but will have to wait for another day. If they come back showing something... I will have words to say to certain doctors. We go back to the doctor on Thursday. So until then I am going to pretend that this was all just a bad dream!