It figures that I would come home with great news to share and then have my bubble of excitement burst. Isn't that how it works? Jon's appointment went really well. His blood counts are still on the border of ok... his platelets are low but they have been lower. His white count is low so that bothers me a little...not much room for them to fall next week. This chemo has a "surprise" drop 2-3 weeks out from treatment and this is where we have started to not recover so quickly. I am worried about the kids going to school and bring home all those fresh germs. Hand Sanitizer will soon be greeting them as soon as they arrive home!
The psych appt went really well. This was Shawn's first time meeting him. Its funny because I don't think the dr honestly remembers what he says from week to week. This is scary too..good thing I am on top of things and that we have a great team of drs to keep up with everything. He didn't even ask why we chose not to put him in the program. He did talk about the program and shared with me how some of the structure of the classroom is and paralleled it to how I am starting to structure things. That made me happy...God does know after all what is needed and lead me to exactly the right information. So for now we press on with what we are doing and wait for a few more weeks before we mess with any of the other meds.
In two weeks we go back to oncology and have our next MRI. So until then we wait and as the psych dr said we celebrate this small victory before we move on.
Well, my celebrating lasted just a few short hours. We picked the kids up from Mamaw's and went by the store really fast. Josh was in a grumpy mood and was provoking Jon. Jon was tired from the trip and not feeling so well so he was easily agitated. When we arrived home the bomb exploded and left me in tears...Jon lost it because his toothbrush is missing. He called the toothbrush every awful name he knows and was coming unglued. I attempted to cue him to use the cooling down strategies and it didn't work. He escalated to a verbal rage. I quickly attempted to give him his evening meds to help calm him down. Usually I can easily get the meds in but this time he was trying to cough so the meds and his stomach contents would come back up and out of the tube and of course in my face. When that didn't work, while I was waiting for Shawn to bring me the syringe plunger so I could force the meds through Jon spit in my face. You can only imagine how it went from there... I am going to kill my mom. I hate her. I hate this mom. I hate this family.
I just left him in his room to scream horrible awful things. In the meantime the rest of my kids were reacting and having a hard time getting to bed. Josh was frustrated trying to express what he needed to share. No one was obeying. The stress level went through the rough. Shawn was frustrated and getting angry. And I stood there and with tears pouring felt an overwhelming need to run. Then the assaults started on my mind and my heart and the tears poured and all I could do was cry out for my Lord, the one who brings truth and comforts my aching heart.
These are those times when my world feels so incredible lonely. despite the amount of people who are there ready to support and help. It just hurts too much. Its paralyzing and in that moment there is really nothing any one can do but pray for me. pray for my family. Its a desperate feeling to all of sudden by spiraling down to the pit of despair and be screaming out for truth to rescue you.
In these moments though is when I know my Jesus more intimately than I have ever known him. These are the times when he whispers his love in my ear. When he takes the sword from my hand and tells me to stop fighting as he wraps his arms around me and holds me close. There with my head rested upon his chest, I am hidden from all the attacks. Sheltered from the lies. And his heart begins to beat truth back into my heart. His words tell me its ok. They tell me that he has a purpose. He tells me that I am more than ok. That he made me, he chose me, and he loves me. Jesus whispers the words that I long to hear...the words that free the secret desires and the unspoken longings. The words that tell me I am right where he wants me to be. The words that remind me that it is He, the great and mighty God, who is carrying me tonight in his strong and capable arms. My name is etched upon his hands. He can't forget me. He can't reject me. He can't leave me here to face this all alone.
Its times like this when I am at my weakest and am hurting the most that I know more than ever that I am truly his child.