Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Fall is coming closer to an end and winter is about to descend upon us. I fear though that winter descended long ago upon my heart and made it icy cold. Fortunately, God doesn't let it stay that way too long before he breaks through with his truth and sets me free from the icy prison. Its sometimes quite painful as the ice melts and he blows his warm truth and love upon us. Its hard work to emerge from a lifetime of wrong thinking and feeling and actively choose to be transformed by his word. That's where I am today... wanting desperately to be freed and transformed. I have wandered too long in this icy prison!
God always surprises me in how he chooses to orchestrate circumstances and timing to bring about transformation in our lives. No matter how painful it is I am always so encouraged to see his hand in something that is happening in my life. Its like his reminder that he is in it and he is working so I can trust him no matter how bad it hurts or doesn't make sense.
This morning I found myself drawn back to a book I read recently called " Loving God with All Your Mind" by Elizabeth George. The truths in this book are life changing. Although I still have not grasped the truth and applied completely I know that God is using it to change how I view and respond to life. I am praying God will make it a natural part of my life to look at things through his word, his perspective, and the lens of truth. The main premise of the book is to think only upon what is truth. Not what I think, others think, or circumstances may be or appear to be. But the truth...
One area that I am really struggling in is whether I am able to be the mom and wife I know my family needs. Deep in my heart I really feel like a failure in this area. I really have believed that it would be better for my family if I was not a part of their lives. I live in fear that I will destroy them due to harsh words, lack of training, wrong choices etc. I am not really doing anything more or less than most... just struggling with surviving. The conflict comes in wanting to do and be so much more and than falling short. The more I think I am not a good mom or wife the more I become depressed and despair and then become suffocated by this thinking and it results in negative actions. When I feel and think that I am doing a good job then I really do a good job... I have positive interaction and motivation with them. So even here the key is to think the truth and not believe the paralyzing lies that Satan sends in order to destroy me!
The truth for me today is this: God chose ME to be the perfect mate for my husband. I know he brought us together to bring him glory and to use us greatly. Regardless of our choices or circumstances this is the truth. So I will choose to act on that truth today...any other thoughts are not true and are not of God.
God chose ME to be the mother of five wonderful children. This means that he has gifted me and equipped me with all that I need to be able to meet their needs, to teach them and live for them the truths of Jesus, and to be all that being a mom means. What this also means is that he did not make me in the image of all the other mothers out there. That is not to be my standard... perhaps someone else has children who are calm, well behaved, the image of "perfect". Those children are not my children. I can not look at that example and measure my success on whether my kids turn out the same as someone else's children. I have been given 5 unique little hearts to shape and mold according to their own needs and personalities. God has his plan and the way he made me fits into the way they need to be mothered. Simply, no one else could be a better mother to them than me. That is the truth...
So today my energy will be focused on being that mother for them. I will seek God for the wisdom to know how to raise them according to his standard and plan for their individual hearts. Rather than wasting my energy feeling sad and despairing over failure because they are not "good" like other people's kids. In reality they are good... they are full of life, energy, excitement, and adventure. They have dealt with more in their few short years than most other kids ever will in their lifetime...and the truth is they love Jesus. Nothing else really matters does it?

1 comment:

Tina said...

Kelly, we are so alike it is downright scary! I could have written this post many times over in my life.