A feeling has been nagging at my heart for a few days... there has been several symptoms that it would be easy to point at and say is the problem. But I know it is a surface issue... I know that deeper there is a heart issue that God wants to touch. This afternoon I visited a blog, http://especiallyheather.com, that seemed to bring the truth hiding inside to light. This blog is written by an incredibly commited and faithful follower of Christ who is battling a brain tumor. She is a mother and a wife and an incredible example. Reading her blog has blessed me in so many ways.. and kind of reminds me of me five years ago when the greatest storm in my life blew in. If you can, go read and be blessed!
Anyway, Heather posted about aloneness. As I read, I could hear God speak... he could not have been louder if he had audibly yelled. Heather's words gave life to my feelings... I feel alone. There are people all around me and I feel alone. Heather shared this quote,“As Christians, we are called to convert our loneliness into solitude. We are called to experience our aloneness not as a wound but as a gift–as God’s gift–so that in our aloneness we might discover how deeply we are loved by God.” ~ Henri Nouwen ~
So there is the problem: an incredible aloneness has descended upon our lives. Silence surrounds. I have tried to figure out how to explain this feeling- we have had several friends and special people who have reached out and ministered to us. God has provided. So to say we are alone feels so much like I am complaining. Please know I am not. What it is is an aloneness that no one can take away... God has allowed this. I know he longs for us to be filled up with him. The aloneness I have stems from a desire for someone to walk alongside this road with us, to live it with us, to intimately experience it and carry us through it. Someone to help hold up the arms that are falling down and strengthen the weak legs. Today I realized that although I think I am hungering for people I am truly hungering for God. For the first time in a long time, my heart has realized this truth and is longing for my Jesus. My heart ached for the intimacy that I have not shared with my Lord in so long.
Jesus wants to be my friend. He wants me to see that he is holding me, walking through this, hearing and seeing every fear, every circumstance, every tear. He knows the longings. He wants to be everything... I need him to be... I want him to be.
This is so huge for me.... If I can grasp this and let God break through and love me with his love deeper than anything I can imagine- I will be free. I will be able to love each of you in return. I will be able to give to those around me. I will be able to be real and authentic. I will be able to stop seeking others for what they can do for me and instead will be able to seek them for what I can give. This could be huge. Pray for this to sink in.
My husband and I were discussing the future the other day. The discussion turned to the real possibility that in the near future we could lose our child. Jonathan may not survive this. We may send our little boy home to the arms of Jesus. Shawn shared that the scariest thing about this was that this time as we face this possibility we don't have a church family and friends surround us with their support like we did when we first got the diagnosis. We were carried through one of the most difficult times of our lives by this family of believers. Life has changed and we are not so connected as we were then. It is scary to not know if we will face this alone...as I thought about this and begged God not to let it be like that... I was reminded how even Jesus faced death alone... no one could die for him or with him. He may have been alone- but he will not leave us alone. We can make it no matter what the circumstances.
This comparison of now and then also brought a reminder to me of a short devotion I read in Amy Charmichael's book "His thoughts said...His Father Said..." The devotion ended and said" Now, said the Father tenderly, thou shalt learn the lessen set to the weaned child. Thou shalt learn to do without. " That was God's answer for this season... we have done with and now we do without... and as a result we are being given a fuller understanding of the depth of the Father's love for us.