Shawn and Jonathan are sleeping downstairs in the PICU. Mya is sleeping next to me in our sleep room down a few floors. I am thankful for this room tonight. It is the first time I have had a private place for the past few days. The minute Shawn walked out to go sleep with Jon, the weight of all today has held crashed in upon me. I don't want to cry. Not sure I will be able to stop.
Like photographs in my mind and on my heart, so many encounters today came together in this new chapter of our story. The pages of today's paragraph are soaked with tears.
Moments like these:
The oncologist looking into the door and motioning me to come out to him. The moment I saw his face and he asked if we could take a walk I knew what was wrong. Sitting next to him as he gently shared what was happening, all the treatment options, and the possibilities of what could happen with each poison we would put in Jonathan's body, I kept wanting to tell him to stop. I didn't need to know all the details. I wanted to cry. I wanted to call my husband. I dreaded calling my husband. Now the past two times that we have been told this awful news I have been alone. There is nothing worse than being the one calling with the news or being the one on the other line hearing it though the phone.
In this moment though I could hear the Lord reassuring me that HE was here.
I went back in the room and told Jonathan what was happening. His response was classic Jonathan: " Aw...man..." but like a simple child full of so much simple trust and faith he went right back to his stickers, glitter, glue, and coloring. Oh, how I wish I could be like him- able to take each bad thing that comes my way with such faith. He didn't need to worry. He knew his mom and dad and the doctors would take care of those things. He looked at what was coming and looked beyond the circumstances to the future....of course in this case it was STICKERS. He told Shawn basically it was ok to have to do chemo again becuase he really likes the stickers he gets.
In this moment, I saw a glimpse into how it could be in my relationship with my heavenly Father. Sure things really stink at times. They hurt. They disappoint. They leave us scared. But my Father in heaven wants me to know I can trust him to have it all under control. Despite the circumstances his love and his faithfulness never changes.
I have been so blown away by how God has provided us with so much support. My precious sister in law who lives far away had already arranged meals for my family by the time I arrived in Denver. My phone has been ringing off the hook and text messages have flooded me with so much love and support. Friends from everywhere are praying and I know that God hears. Tonight my "second mom" came up and stayed at the hospital with Jon so Shawn and I could go eat. This was such a blessing. I am in awe.
Even here God has reminded me that he will provide for our every need.
Tonight my heart broke as I saw the tears in my husband's eyes. He looked at me and said, " I wonder how long we really have left with him." We talked about how much guilt we would feel if he were to die. Life with him has been hard. Sometimes we get frustrated. Somethimes we don't always respond to Jon the way we should. We do the best we can but sometimes it just doesn't feel like it is enough.
Through my husband's tears, I was reminded how God is able to guard our minds and give peace that passes understanding. I don't know why we were chosen for this path. I don't understand why this happens. I don't really know. I just know that God is in control and he loves us and our children more than we could ever know.
This afternoon the sweetest EEG tech came back to check on Jon's EEG. She brought him a card and present. Jonathan had been painting ceramic figures last night while she was hooking up the EEG machine. She went home and painted 2 figures for Jon and brought them too him. He gave her one of his figures. He had touched her heart in the short time he had with her.
In that moment, my eyes were open to the benefit of this present suffering on eternity. God uses Jonathan to bring people to Jesus. Even in the midst of sad news, God reminded me how he could use this to touch many people. If one person comes to Christ it will all be worth it.