“ For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD.
This verse has been like a favorite song that gets stuck in your mind and just keeps replaying itself today. I just can't get the tune out of mind. Not that I want to... the words in this verse carried me through what could have been a difficult, trying, and depressing day. The peace that passes understanding descended upon me and was like a soft pillow upon which to rest my head.
Truly, God's word is alive!
There are so many thoughts going through my mind. This is going to be a long post... I will warn you now. I need to sort through and record all that God is doing. I don't want to lose this opportunity. I used to journal alot. Almost everyday in my quiet time I would journal my prayers. When Jon got sick I stopped journaling. I just didn't want to remember. Writing it down probably would have made things seem so real... as if they weren't already real anyway! Unfortunately my effort not to remember left me with painful memories and a whole lot less of the sweet nuggets that were given during this time. I know God wants to use this...I want to be able to go back and show how faithful God was during this time.
My most favorite author was a missionary to India, Amy Charmichael. She wrote a little book called "He said, She said". It is a dialog between Amy and God. It is basically a discussion of what she wanted or thought was best and what God's answer was. I think I am going to copy her "layout" method with my thoughts/God's thoughts. I hope that you will be as blessed as I was to see how God's way truly was best. I hope that as you all read you will be challenged and inspired. And I hope that you will be encouraged as we are... I know just the thought of what is happening to Jon is heartbreaking. But there is so much to be gleaned from this. And we know that eternity awaits... that is what Jonathan and his family are living for. "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. " Romans 8:18 The following are just a few of my thoughts and God's response.
Will we have to do this alone? Lord, most of the people who walked this road with us are gone. How will we do this without friends? Please Lord I need a friend. I need help, yes, but Lord, we need friends more than anything. Thats what got us through the first time. You are enough Lord, you are. I know that you want to be all we need. I know when my heart is filled up with you, you will provide all we need. But Lord, I am so scared to be alone. My heart has been hurt and so sad and so lonely. I don't think I can "relive" another memory with the good part of the memory removed.
Child, You must accept that what I choose for you is best. My choices will always be enough. My way will fill you completely. Until you grasp this truth, your heart will remain empty. You will continue to long for and seek after what I cannot give you- My heart is set upon doing good for you. If you fight for your way,you will not see what I give you for what it is: a gift that is created especially for you. I have defined who is the best friend you. I have chosen the perfect time to meet your needs. I have given you all that you need. Trust me. Trust me even though you cry. I know it hurts but trust that I have the best for you.
The past two days have been lived with this perspective. Where I would usually tell God what I needed or wanted, I instead prayed for God to give me what he wanted. What he felt was best for me. I know God longs to pour out his blessing upon me so especially these past 2 days I looked diligently for his hand in my circumstances. Lest someone think I'm warped let me say when you face theis kind of thing you have to find God and his goodness in everything or else you won't survive. Here are some of the blessings the past 2 days have held:
- I need a friend. I begged God for friends. I pleaded with him for a place to belong. In my mind I had it all planned out and was feeling very sad knowing that those I wanted would probably not be running to my rescue. Choosing to see this through God's way, God had already provided friends. I just didn't realize it. Just in the past several weeks a strained relationship began the process of being healed, I reconnected with an old friend over coffee and icecream, I felt the warmth as that friend reached out and touched my heart in a tangible way, I ran into a friend from the past who had disappeared (quite literally) and smiled as I saw the work God was doing in her life as well as the chance at a new friendship, and a friend from an unexpected place appeared right in time to be used greatly as a blessing to me in the past 2 days as she ministered to me and then cared for Joshua all day. None of these people fit the description I was looking for when I begged God for a friend...but they are so perfect for me. His answer was so much better and touched me so much deeper than any choice I could have made on my own.
- We are afraid of being alone. I thought for sure, with Shawn being gone I was bound to be a loner today. I was so tempted to find someone to come to the hospital but I felt like God would provide as I needed. I woke up with this aniticpation of God doing great things and showing me great things. I went to the hospital saying God I can't wait to see what surprises are waiting for me today! No sooner was I in the parking garage then my phone rang. My brother in law was calling to find out where I was because one of the pastor's was waiting for me inside. From the very beginning, God orchastrated me not being alone for a minute! The pastor that came had no idea how much this meant to me... it is a big deal to me to have people come and pray over my child. It is a HUGE deal to have people with us and surround us during these times. I think sometimes people may think this is old hat for us and that we don't need that support anymore. I want desperately for people to come to our side just like they did that very first time. So many of you have reached out and for that I am so grateful. The pastor that came went beyond the call of duty....he came to pray, but he also held my feverish baby for almost 3 hours while she slept!
- Due to our new dietary needs with celiac and food allergies, Jon and I are not able to eat food that the hospital has. Usually Shawn takes care of the food. If he is not with me I just don't eat since I won't leave Jon alone in the room. But my mom so lovingly went to get me food....she drove all over the east side of Town looking for a chick-fil-a...she got lost and prayed for direction and BOLDLY arrived at the hospital!!! Her company was a blessing until she left to get the three other kiddos. Every possible need was provided for. My mom has been a constant support for me...she has cared for my children with a moments notice, helped me clean my house, and been my friend. I have been so blessed.
- The surgery was four hours late starting. God's hand was in this as well. I have had some anxiety over moving Jon's care to Knoxville vs. Atlanta. I have tried hard to surrender these fears to God and trust that he will work in this situation. Due to the delay, we went to play in the playroom. The oncologist came in for another patient and saw us. I was able to talk to him a little bit about Jonathan and get some of my questions answered. The "first"encounter was over and I had some direction.
- Mya woke up with a 103 degree fever. My friend and doctor let me bring her in on my way to the hospital. She wisked us right back to the exam room and found the culprit: ear infection!!! With a powerful antibiotic shot we were on our way and even made it with time to spare.
- The greatest gift of peace for my "mama" heart came last night. Close to 9 pm the oncologist in Atlanta called. She spent 45 minutes on the phone with me. We went through his whole history together as she was writing a letter to send to every one of his doctors. She answered my questions about his port (the surgeon who put it in was cranky and a man of few words so he didn't explain anything), talked more in depth about the chemo, gave us her permission to go on vacation, and set up a conversation with the endo doctor here so we could make some changes in meds. Best of all, she assured me she would stay involved and that we were going to go through this together. When I am a doctor I want to be just like her!
There are so many more things but if I don't post this now I never will... for now I better go check on Josh who has a migraine... or in his words "he bruised his mind"!