Hopeful...
I took Jonathan to an appointment today with an Immunologist in Denver. This doctor was recommended by a family that our new pediatrician has taken care of for years. He has been instrumental in providing the children in that family a life with tremondous relief from chronic sinus infections. I was so pleased with this doctor.
We repeated allergy testing just to see if there was any chance that there were allergies that could be aggravating his situation. The good news that he no longer test positive to any of the allergies ( those must have been some good allergy shots that Dr. P made him in Knoxville!). The next step is to begin the process of testing his immune system. Dr. Voltz believes that he definietly has some thing going on with his immune system. Most of his immune type labs have not been repeated since 2005. The doctor was kind of shocked by this. I am not shocked at all...for the past several years I have just been put off and told to deal with it.
Dealing with it just doesn't work...not when your child is so sick and then becomes so psychiatrically unstable that he is begging you for a knife so he can cut his nose off. Or when the infection has lasted so long that he is not able to hold his head straight, walk steadily or speak without slurring his speech. Its so easy to say "I don't know" or "It's just how it is" when you don't have to live with him or watch him struggle twenty four hours a day!
So...we are drawing blood tomorrow for 17 different labs...ranging from basic CBC and CMP levels to vitamin levels and all the immunology levels. These labs will take about two to three weeks to get back. I am anxious to see what they say. I am hopeful that they will give us new insight on what to do to help Jonathan feel better. Thank you for praying for us so faithfully.

The Balancing Act...

This is what I woke up to this morning. This is game we call " To Worry, Not to Worry". We were supposed to have an MRI yesterday but because of the snow we had to cancel it. It will be three weeks before we can get another scan done. A lot can happen in three weeks. The hardest part of this is how much things change sometimes right in front of our eyes. Jon has been struggling since the end of November. About a week ago things started to concern me..mostly his eyes. So finally I emailed the dr and they agreed to do a scan. Of course as soon as I call then he does a turn around and seems ok (but the eyes are still funky). I even took him to the pediatrician who remarked at how he doesn't seem like himself...but no one seems overly concerned. So maybe I am just a crazy mom. Maybe I see too much, maybe I am too particular...so I convince myself nothing is really going on (and really..there probably isn't). I convince myself that its ok that the MRI is three weeks away. I tell myself and my friends that if something is wrong it will still be wrong in 3 weeks and I move on...until I wake up to this this morning. I know that if I showed up at the hospital with Jon looking like this that would not only scan him today they would probably admit him. Problem is that if I actually call and take him in he will be fine by the time I get there and they will pass it off as this is just how it is with hypothalmic injury...
I get the whole hypothalmus issue. Really I do. I know there are up days and down days. I have lived through enough raging to understand how his body doesn't work the way ours does. I have watched as my child has literally turned purple right in front of my eyes and then just as quickly returned to a normal of shade. I get it. But I wish someone could explain to me what to do with the way my heart feels and how to not hold my breath when I wake to this every morning and I know something is wrong and the balancing act begins...

I was listening to songs on New Years day and wondering what song could be a theme song for this new year for me. This song came on and immediately I knew it was the one... the single line " Jesus, keep my heart alive," is my prayer for 2011. That is the desperate plea ringing out from my heart.
The last half of 2010 was rough. Really rough. Rough in ways that I can't share. So many things happened that left me emotionally shaken and questioning everything I thought was true. When you are hurt deeply, its hard to keep your heart alive. Its hard to keep pressing on. It is so much easier to shut down and become numb.
Thankfully, the Lord went before me and prepared the way even in the midst of so much pain. I am so thankful for two people in particular who God gave me during this time when it felt like I was loosing everything and everyone that were important to me. One person has reminded me daily that healthy, mutually edifying relationships can exist...I am so thankful that when many others forgot the song my heart needed to hear that this person sang that song every morning and every night for as long as it took. The other person has become the person to walk through the very deep things that I needed to walk through, lovingly and graciously willing to get messy with me. She wasn't afraid to step into the mud puddle I had found myself in and pull me out. Her words are straight from the word of God and are a never ending challenge to press on and not give up hope.
With 2010 gone and 2011 waiting to be lived... I am choosing to forget what lies behind and press forward...praying as I walk and things getting messy...Jesus, keep my heart alive.

The girls that I babysit and I are on a sewing kick this week while my kids are all at camp. I found this contest to enter from Keeper of the Home for a $100 gift certificate to purchase material or patterns from Marie Madeline Studio. Visit their site so you can enter too! http://www.keeperofthehome.org/2010/06/1000th-post-party-giveaway-marie-madeline-studio-fabric-and-patterns.html

Reading through some old journals this morning, I came across the lyrics of a song that used to minister to me. I thought the words kind of spoke to the way I have been feeling this week.

Learning To Trust In You

That's why I am learning to trust in you

In Everything I do

Learning to trust in you

Cause I know in my heart that you're true

But sometimes its so hard to do

Father, little children must grow up

and to grow we've got to learn to trust

and to trust we've got to cling to you

And when you tell me you will hold me close

Its the very thing I want the most

but its the very hardest thing to do

I've got this pain inside me

It speaks to me loud and clear

When there's so much to gain theres always so much to lose

Whatever I lost, I'll find in you.

Exciting Things are Happening!!!

The past few weeks have been packed full. The exciting thing is that they have been filled up with time doing something I love so much. God has given me the desire of my heart and has granted a part of one of my dreams to me. Recently, the Lord has brought Shawn and I together with friends, Jeremy and Natalee, to create a photography business called Only You Photography.

Jeremy already had the name, the studio, and the beginnings of a successful business. I had the desire and the passion but needed a business partner. We have all been in awe as we have watched the Lord bring all the details together. Jeremy and I have the same passion and vision. We both have a heart to glorify God in our business. We long to be able to use photography and a portion of our profits to minister to others in the various ways God has placed on our hearts.

Tonight, after many nights of working until 2am, we finally got to announce our company and the web page. I am so excited to see it official!!! If you are on facebook, we would love for you to join our Only You Photography fan page. Please visit us at Only You Photography for more examples of our work. If you live in the Colorado Springs area we would love the opportunity to serve you.

Its been a rough week. Jon is raging again almost daily. No matter how strong I am, no matter how much I prepare for these episodes they still manage to wear me down. After a few days, I feel very fragile. It leaves me often questioning and wondering why.Honestly, it leaves me longing for a different life.

It wouldn't be so bad if it was just Jon and I. But there are many other lives involved. Many other hearts that are also worn down and wounded. As the sadness descends and settles into my very bones, the heavy weight of how this life affects everyone else threatens to suffocate me. I know that God is in control, I know that he is working even this out for good. But sometimes knowing it is barely enough to carry me through to the next moment. Sometimes the daily part of dealing with him and his illness makes it nearly impossible to deal with anything else...like making meals, cleaning, attending to the many needs of my other children.

The hope that still remains is this...this cycle will not last forever. The wounds oozing in my heart will eventually heal. The day is coming when the Lover of my Soul will come and carry me away forever from this painful world. In that moment he will wipe away my tears. He will make this all worth it. That is the one thing I am holding onto...soon and very soon He is coming.

Author: Mrs. Charles E. Cowman
Source: Streams in the Desert
Scripture Reference: Job 12:9

Diamond in the Rough

"The hand of the Lord hath wrought this" (Job 12:9).

Several years ago there was found in an African mine the most magnificent diamond in the world's history. It was presented to the King of England to blaze in his crown of state. The King sent it to Amsterdam to be cut. It was put into the hands of an expert lapidary. And what do you suppose he did with it?

He took the gem of priceless value, and cut a notch in it. Then he struck it a hard blow with his instrument, and lo! the superb jewel lay in his hand cleft in twain. What recklessness I what wastefulness! what criminal carelessness!

Not so. For days and weeks that blow had been studied and planned. Drawings and models had been made of the gem. Its quality, its defects, its lines of cleavage had all been studied with minutest care. The man to whom it was committed was one of the most skillful lapidaries in the world.

Do you say that blow was a mistake? Nay. It was the climax of the lapidary's skill. When he struck that blow, he did the one thing which would bring that gem to its most perfect shapeliness, radiance, and jewelled splendor. That blow which seemed to ruin the superb precious stone was, in fact, its perfect redemption. For, from those two halves were wrought the two magnificent gems which the skilled eye of the lapidary saw hidden in the rough, uncut stone as it came from the mine.

So, sometimes, God lets a stinging blow fall upon your life. The blood spurts. The nerves wince. The soul cries out in agony. The blow seems to you an apalling mistake. But it is not, for you are the most priceless jewel in the world to God. And He is the most skilled lapidary in the universe.

Some day you are to blaze in the diadem of the King. As you lie in His hand now He knows just how to deal with you. Not a blow will be permitted to fall upon your shrinking soul but that the love of God permits it, and works out from its depths, blessing and spiritual enrichment unseen, and unthought of by you. --J. H. McC.

In one of George MacDonald's books occurs this fragment of conversation: "I wonder why God made me," said Mrs. Faber bitterly. "I'm sure I don't know what was the use of making me!"

"Perhaps not much yet," said Dorothy, "but then He hasn't done with you yet. He is making you now, and you are quarrelling with the process."

If men would but believe that they are in process of creation, and consent to be made--let the Maker handle them as the potter the clay, yielding themselves in resplendent motion and submissive, hopeful action with the turning of His wheel--they would ere long find themselves able to welcome every pressure of that hand on them, even when it was felt in pain; and sometimes not only to believe but to recognize the Divine end in view, the bringing of a son unto glory.

"Not a single shaft can hit,
Till the God of love sees fit."

I guess I should go back and read through my own posts....how quickly my heart and head seem to forget the truths the Lord has spoken over my life. In a matter of moments,life seems to crumble and the all the things I dread most come to past. At the end of the day, I am left sitting here wondering where I lost my focus. Wondering how to climb back out. Wondering how I am going to plant my feet firmly on the rock and not run as fast as I can to the nearest escape.

Someday's I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate the fear that accompanies intimacy and authenticity. But it's inevitable. Especially when you want to obey the Lord. Especially when you want to be used by him. So the walls must come down. And you must get close to people. And that takes incredible risk.

Fear is the greatest weapon that seems to come against me during these times that require honesty and openness in relationships. I am so afraid of stupid things. But those stupid things hurt! Things like rejection, disapproval, failure. If you get close enough you might not like what you see. So I keep hiding. Or attempting to hide. Unfortunately, everything I try to hide behind the Lord keeps removing. That is one way to lead me to find refuge in his arms alone!

The problem is when, as a Loving Father, he pushes out of security and tells us to look fear in its eyes and say's to our hearts. " Do not fear." If I didn't know him so well, I would probably question his love. He knows my deepest fear and knows the things it holds me back from in areas of serving him. So the Lord puts me right there in front of that intimidating wall and commands me to climb over it. To push through. To see the truth and stand my ground. To rest in his perfect love and not allow fear to steal the victory.

Sometimes it feels almost cruel. My heart cries out, " Seriously, Lord. Do we really have to deal with that fear, that issue that is buried so deep I didn't even know it existed?" I beg him to deal with some of those less serious, more superficial wounds and fears. But he knows best. He always does. So he reaches deep within and performs his work while I cry, struggle, and plead. He persists even when I question his way and his method. His perfect love invades and casts out fear.

I am glad that even in those moments when I am screaming for relief, when I am begging for a different way, or when I am desperately searching for an escape; the Lord continues his work. He holds me still. He keeps me here in this place where he can work. He doesn't give up. He keeps working away, creating a beautiful masterpiece.

Author: Mrs. Charles E. Cowman
Source: Streams in the Desert
Scripture Reference: Exodus 16:20

Do Not Yield to Discouragement

"They looked...and behold, the glory of the Lord appeared in the cloud" (Exod. 16:10).

Get into the habit of looking for the silver lining of the cloud and when you have found it, continue to look at it, rather than at the leaden gray in the middle.

Do not yield to discouragement no matter how sorely pressed or beset you may be. A discouraged soul is helpless. He can neither resist the wiles of the enemy himself, while in this state, nor can he prevail in prayer for others.

Flee from every symptom of this deadly foe as you would flee from a viper. And be not slow in turning your back on it, unless you want to bite the dust in bitter defeat.

Search out God's promises and say aloud of each one: "This promise is mine." If you still experience a feeling of doubt and discouragement, pour out your heart to God and ask Him to rebuke the adversary who is so mercilessly nagging you.

The very instant you whole-heartedly turn away from every symptom of distrust and discouragement, the blessed Holy Spirit will quicken your faith and inbreathe Divine strength into your soul.

At first you may not be conscious of this, still as you resolutely and uncompromisingly "snub" every tendency toward doubt and depression that assails you, you will soon be made aware that the powers of darkness are falling back.

Oh, if our eyes could only behold the solid phalanx of strength, of power, that is ever behind every turning away from the hosts of darkness, God-ward, what scant heed would be given to the effort of the wily foe to distress, depress, discourage us!

All the marvelous attributes of the Godhead are on the side of the weakest believer, who in the name of Christ, and in simple, childlike trust, yields himself to God and turns to Him for help and guidance. --Selected

On a day in the autumn, I saw a prairie eagle mortally wounded by a rifle shot. His eye still gleamed like a circle of light. Then he slowly turned his head, and gave one more searching and longing look at the sky. He had often swept those starry spaces with his wonderful wings. The beautiful sky was the home of his heart. It was the eagle's domain. A thousand times he had exploited there his splendid strength. In those far away heights be had played with the lightnings, and raced with the winds, and now, so far away from home, the eagle lay dying, done to the death, because for once be forgot and flew too low. The soul is that eagle. This is not its home. It must not lose the skyward look. We must keep faith, we must keep hope, we must keep courage, we must keep Christ. We would better creep away from the battlefield at once if we are not going to be brave. There is no time for the soul to stampede. Keep the skyward look, my soul; keep the skyward look!

"Keep looking up--
The waves that roar around thy feet,
Jehovah-Jireh will defeat
When looking up.

"Keep looking up--
Though darkness seems to wrap thy soul;
The Light of Light shall fill thy soul
When looking up.

"Keep looking up--
When worn, distracted with the fight;
Your Captain gives you conquering might
When you look up."

We can never see the sun rise by looking into the west. --Japanese Proverb

Little Glimmers of Hope

Hope seems to be the focus this week for my heart and mind. I am so excited to share what the Lord has shown me. Each little reminder feels like healing salve to my heart. Each time I watch the Lord work I feel strengthened and full of courage. And every time he speaks his truth over my heart, circumstances come that seem set to disprove that very truth. Yet, the Lord uses those circumstances to firmly root those precious truths deep within my heart and mind, removing all the doubt.

Events over the past few days have caused me to question whether we were making the right choices regarding the future of our children's education. Fears and feelings of inadequacies were filling my every thought. The conflict in my heart was fierce. Like a tug of war between wondering if I can really do this and the determination to prove to everyone that I can do this, the battle raged. When it all came down to the end though, the true question was what the Lord, and only the Lord, had led us to do.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that this is what the Lord has for us right now in this time. For how long I don't know. I just know that this is what we have peace about. So many things have confirmed this decision and tonight those things are reminders to me of the Lord's leading. I am so excited and eager with expectation over what the Lord will do in the hearts of my children and in our hearts as parents.

Tonight, I had a picture of what the outcome will be as I keep my goal as a "homeschool mom" focused on the goal the Lord has given me. My goal is simply to capture each moment as an opportunity to point my kids to the Lord. That is my whole purpose in this new journey. I have been praying for the Lord to give me a joy in my calling as their mom and for a supernatural love for my children and my husband. I am a warrior-mother and the battle is for the souls of my children. I know that I don't have to be a homeschooler to do this...but for this time in our life I need more time with my kids.

The picture I was given was in a simple exchange between me and my precious Joshua. I was working on research for Brittney's report and was writing notes. Josh simply said, " Don't tell me Mom. I know that you are doing your bible study, aren't you? I told him not this time but that I had earlier. True to his nature, his mind was spinning and his questions started flowing out. He said, " Do you remember when you were little, you said you read your bible every day so you could know all about Jesus? And you wrote love notes in your notebook to Jesus? Mom I want to have bible study every morning so I can know Jesus like you do." He then continued for the next couple of hours asking all the details of how to have a quiet time. He wanted to know do you get up early in the morning? What do you write? Can you read one of your stories to me so I know how to do it? Will you help me have a bible study? Will you wake me up when you wake up so I don't forget? So many precious questions of a heart beginning to stir towards a personal relationship with the Lord.

And those questions gave me hope. Hope that the Lord is at work. Hope that he will do his work in each of us, in my heart, in the heart of my husband, and the hearts of my children. He showed me then and there that He will make this journey of homeschooling successful...because if the only thing they walk away with is the knowledge and desire of how to truly walk with the Lord they will have the best education they could ever have. I have been drowning in all the parenting failures that seem to scream out louder than any success. Yet, here the Lord proves that he is more interested in the heart and that a heart that wants Him is the true definition of success. And he proved that, despite my failures, he is able to accomplish his will.

A friend asked me recently what incredible things God was doing in my life. I wrote this in response and wanted to share it here in hopes that it might encourage some of you.

On my way home yesterday, I was thinking about how incredible it is when the Lord reveals to you your gifts and then he uses them to touch someone else. Even more incredible is how he uses the pain and trials in your life for good. I realized though that we have to choose to be where he wants us and not fight against it. A change of how we think and perceive the things happening in our lives is required to see those things as being part of his will.

Once my heart finally surrendered to the Lord completely it was like a flood of his presence has filled every part of me. Everything I read, everything I hear seems to point me back to the truth. Pastor Al’s sermon combined with a book I am reading reminded me that these things that are bringing so much pain into my life are not meant for evil. They are meant for good…good because they drive me to an intimate relationship with the Lord. Good because it has given me the opportunity to reach out to others who are suffering and point them to the Lord in it. Good because they are producing something of such greater value than a life void of pain. Seeing all of this in light of how God is going to use it and is using it has increased my trust in Him and his ability to work it all out according to HIS purpose. I am learning that being at rest in his will comes from trusting his purpose and not having to work it out according to what I think he should do with it.

I guess I kind of feel like he has softened me into pliable clay. I have never felt so intimate with the Lord as I do right now. That is exciting to me because for years I have looked back to my teenage years and considered that to have been my strongest time spiritually. Not so good to be walking with the Lord for so long and to have lost that freshness in our relationship. It saddened me but not enough to stop fighting against Him and for my own way. I finally feel as though I can hear him again as he speaks truth in my heart. I can trust him with my heart. I can obey without fear. I can hear his correction and respond with surrender and not a “failure response” of giving up and running to sin rather than away from it. As a result, my heart finally feels again. It has been stone for a very long time.

The Lord truly is becoming everything to me. In the past year, he has stripped away everything I was replacing him with. He is taking away the walls that I have been hiding behind. He gave me these certain friends who have challenged me in so many ways to find and cling to truth. He took my need to be pleasing to people and used that same need to face some things I really need to deal with and not run. In the process, its becoming more important to me what God thinks than what people think. I am not totally to that point of being free from my desire for approval but I think the Lord is loosening the fear that need had imprisoned my heart in. He took my greatest fear, brought it into my life, and then walked step by step through it, teaching my heart to seek approval in him and desire to hear his words alone, and then gave me what I needed in his way. So much healing took place in such a short amount of time and in a few powerful words. He is the very thing I thought I needed others to be.

I never thought the Lord would ever choose to use me again. I have failed horribly. I have willingly chosen to sin in horrible ways- like a rebellious child determined to crush her Father’s heart. I have dared God to leave me and walk away. I have tried, like I have done in many relationships, to convince him he shouldn’t waste his time. And true to who he is, he has waited for me to surrender and has patiently and passionately pursued my heart. Now he has allowed my heart to feel the freedom and healing power of his forgiveness. One day in the past couple of weeks, my mind was flooded with images of so many of the times I chose to sin. Each time the thought would come to mind, the Lord was there reminding me that it was paid for. It was incredible to me how many of the songs I heard that day had to do with the past and forgiveness.

So I am amazed and humbled that the Lord has given me the opportunity to be used again. It is bringing me so much joy. So much so that I never want to settle for less than God’s best again. I have been praying and asking him to allow me to have a women’s group again to lead, to serve, and to love. I am amazed now that he has brought these women together and it is more than I ever thought possible. I love it when the Lord allows me the opportunity to pour his love and truth into another person and getting to watch them grow. I have gotten to experience what happens when the Lord reveals things to us that have affected us and can be used as an excuse to justify our behavior. As I am learning to let go of those things and not let them be an excuse for me, I get to share with others how to do that too. Each time he gives me the opportunity to share with someone else, help someone else or serve someone I am overcome by joy. It makes everything else worth it to see God using it to bring someone else closer to him.

What are the incredible things he is doing? He is giving me a soft heart. He has replaced my mourning with gladness. He has brought me to the edge, allowed me to see the possibilities of things I could lose and asked me whether I will still choose Him. He has given me a steadfast faith that says “No matter what happens, I will follow you.” He has spoken his words of love, worth, and truth into my heart and has given me faith to believe him and cling those words. If you had known me these past ten years and seen the icy wall around my heart, the desire to be free yet feeling like I am always drowning never able to reach the surface, heard the lies that have waged war against my mind and heart, and felt the intensity of the fear that has imprisoned me you would agree that the things the Lord is doing is incredible. In finally surrendering to His love and allowing him to be everything I need, I feel like I can face the future, with whatever it might hold, with courage, security, and peace.

Author: Mrs. Charles E. Cowman
Source: Streams in the Desert
Scripture Reference: Revelation 15:3

Songs of Praise Rise From Affliction

"Just and true are thy ways, thou King of saints" (Rev. 15:3).

The following incident is related by Mrs. Charles Spurgeon, who was a great sufferer for more than a quarter of a century:

"At the close of a dark and gloomy day, I lay resting on my couch as the deeper night drew on; and though all was bright within my cozy room, some of the external darkness seemed to have entered into my soul and obscured its spiritual vision. Vainly I tried to see the Hand which I knew held mine, and guided my fog-enveloped feet along a steep and slippery path of suffering. In sorrow of heart I asked,

"'Why does my Lord thus deal with His child? Why does He so often send sharp and bitter pain to visit me? Why does He permit lingering weakness to hinder the sweet service I long to render to His poor servants?'

"These fretful questions were quickly answered, and through a strange language; no interpreter was needed save the conscious whisper of my heart.

"For a while silence reigned in the little room, broken only by the crackling of the oak log burning in the fireplace. Suddenly I heard a sweet, soft sound, a little, clear, musical note, like the tender trill of a robin beneath my window.

"'What can it be? surely no bird can be singing out there at this time of the year and night.'

"Again came the faint, plaintive notes, so sweet, so melodious, yet mysterious enough to provoke our wonder. My friend exclaimed,

"'It comes from the log on the fire!' The fire was letting loose the imprisoned music from the old oak's inmost heart!

"Perchance he had garnered up this song in the days when all was well with him, when birds twittered merrily on his branches, and the soft sunlight flecked his tender leaves with gold. But he had grown old since then, and hardened; ring after ring of knotty growth had sealed up the long-forgotten melody, until the fierce tongues of the flames came to consume his callousness, and the vehement heart of the fire wrung from him at once a song and a sacrifice. 'Ah,' thought I, 'when the fire of affliction draws songs of praise from us, then indeed we are purified, and our God is glorified!'

"Perhaps some of us are like this old oak log, cold, hard, insensible; we should give forth no melodious sounds, were it not for the fire which kindles around us, and releases notes of trust in Him, and cheerful compliance with His will.

"'As I mused the fire burned,' and my soul found sweet comfort in the parable so strangely set forth before me.

"Singing in the fire! Yes, God helping us, if that is the only way to get harmony out of these hard apathetic hearts, let the furnace be heated seven times hotter than before."

Pictures by Amy Carmichael

The thoughts of the son ran thus: My hopes painted beautiful pictures, but they are fading one by one.

Then his father spoke to him: Thy hopes painted pictures? Destroy all those pictures. To watch them slowly fading is weakening to the soul. Dare then to destroy them. Thous canst if thou wilt. Thou must if thou wouldst be My warrior-son. I will thee other pictures instead of those thy hopes painted. Look up, O thou son of My love.

Then the son looked up and he saw a Cross raised high against the sunlight, then a darkness that might be felt. And he heard, as it were, an echo of a voice, "Father, glorify thy name"; and a Voice that answered I have both glorified it and will glorify it again. And he knew that strength and beauty were in the sanctuary and would presently pour forth. Calvary was not the end of that day's story. And his heart stayed itself upon this assurance: He shall choose our inheritance for us- no fading picture that, but the excellency of Jacob whom He loved.

From Amy Carmichael, "His Thoughts Said...His Father Said..."

His thoughts said, "Father there are some things I cannot forget."

His Father said," The humbling memory will help thee to walk softly with Me and tenderly with others. But even so there is relief from all distress. O thou that art named the house of Jacob, is the Spirit of the Lord straitened? When I spoke unto Israel in the visions of the night, I did not use the that glorious name; I used the old name which had so a sorrowful a meaning. I said, Jacob, Jacob, and he answered , "Here I am."

Jacob, Jacob, the deceiver, the supplanter, that name is a reminder of thy fall, but also and far more of My mercy. It is to thee I am speaking, to thee, not to another, worthier one, but to thee, My child- Jacob, Jacob.

How majestic are your whispers, O Lord. The words of the song rolled off my tongue and I couldn’t help but smile. I knew a little something about the whispers of the Almighty God. Standing in the midst of other worshipers as we declared the truth of the Lord, made the words of this song feel like I was on the inside of an inside joke. An intimate exchange between me and the Lover of my Soul could be described in the majesty of the whisper of God. The sovereignty of God, ordering these particular worship songs to be sung on this very day, was nothing less than a continuation of this exchange.

The details of the encounter from the night before flooded my mind and melted my heart. Healing words had washed over my broken spirit. Words from man joined the words of God. Both working hand in hand to restore the assurance I so desperately needed. Only the Lord could have known the words I needed spoken over the ache in my heart. He alone knew the cry of my heart. He had seen the struggle. He knew how much I was doubting my worth and place in this world. He knew how unloved I felt. He knew the battle that was daily raging in my mind as I fought against insecurity and accusations.

So he whispered.

He whispered his truth.

I love you.

You can do this.

Be brave.

I have given you strength.

I am so proud of you.

You are my treasured possession.

I have chosen you.

Look in my eyes and see how I see you.

Writing from my heart comes naturally for me. I am a die hard journal writer. I am even more a hopeless romantic who delights in finding the treasure in each moment. Each experience becomes something of value to be cherished. Each intimate time with the Lord leaves behind some altar of remembrance to be looked back on and learned from. Put my love for writing together with my love for sharing with the Lord is doing and you have a never ending flow of words! I just can't help it. Keeping such incredible moments to myself feel like I am robbing others from great treasure.

Sometimes my mouth seems to run over and it gets me in trouble. One too many times I have said things or shared things that were just a little too much. I just don't know what not to say sometimes. The problem is this: when the Lord changes your life, you want to shout it from the mountain tops. When he sets you free from something that has held you in bondage, you want to tell your fellow prisoners so they to can be free. When He speaks into the deepest parts of your heart and brings healing with his intimate love, you want to speak those same words to those around you who are hurting. When he is at work in your life and is allowing you to join him in that work, you want to call out to the people watching inviting them to join you too. When Jesus becomes everything to you, you just can't help but tell someone.

Being vulnerable is difficult. It means allowing the Lord to strip away all you hide behind and allow your heart and your life to be raw and exposed to those around you. Its painful, at times, when you know that there are so many watching you struggle and you don't really know what they are thinking. Vulnerability costs you the security of the mask you hide behind. Yet, for those who are willing to be vulnerable and real, comes such great rewards. True intimacy with the Lover of your soul. True friendships with people who love the real you. True freedom. And the joy of being used by God as he uses your struggles to reach someone else.

How else can I reach back and strengthen my brothers and sisters if I am not willing to share with you genuinely? Honestly, aren't we stirred greatly in the depths of our souls when we here someone's story of redemption? Aren't we spurred on towards godliness when we see someone struggle and fail and yet get back up and keep pressing on towards the goal? I know I am. That's why I have to tell my story. There is too much at stake to keep the works of my God to myself.

Author: Mrs. Charles E. Cowman
Source: Streams in the Desert
Scripture Reference: 2 Corinthians 7:5

Our Dependency on Christ

"We are troubled on every side" (2 Cor. 7:5).

Why should God have to lead us thus, and allow the pressure to be so hard and constant? Well, in the first place, it shows His all-sufficient strength and grace much better than if we were exempt from pressure and trial. "The treasure is in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us."

It makes us more conscious of our dependence upon Him. God is constantly trying to teach us our dependence, and to hold us absolutely in His hand and hanging upon His care.

This was the place where Jesus Himself stood and where He wants us to stand, not with self-constituted strength, but with a hand ever leaning upon His, and a trust that dare not take one step alone. It teaches us trust.

There is no way of learning faith except by trial. It is God's school of faith, and it is far better for us to learn to trust God than to enjoy life.

The lesson of faith once learned, is an everlasting acquisition and an eternal fortune made; and without trust even riches will leave us poor. --Days of Heaven upon Earth

"Why must I weep when others sing?
'To test the deeps of suffering.'
Why must I work while others rest?
'To spend my strength at God's request.'
Why must I lose while others gain?
'To understand defeat's sharp pain.'
Why must this lot of life be mine
When that which fairer seems is thine?
'Because God knows what plans for me
Shall blossom in eternity.'"

Matt Brouwer- "I Wanna See You"

Jesus, I am reaching
Im longing for You now
To meet me in my weakness
And heal me with Your power
I wanna see You
Open up my eyes
I wanna see You tonight
Jesus, I am ready
To leave the past behind
But Im still hesitating
Oh, to let go in my mind
Im fighting with confusion
And Im drowning in my sin
I thought I knew the answers
But Im left unsatisfied within
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