Thursday, May 06, 2010

Its been a rough week. Jon is raging again almost daily. No matter how strong I am, no matter how much I prepare for these episodes they still manage to wear me down. After a few days, I feel very fragile. It leaves me often questioning and wondering why.Honestly, it leaves me longing for a different life.

It wouldn't be so bad if it was just Jon and I. But there are many other lives involved. Many other hearts that are also worn down and wounded. As the sadness descends and settles into my very bones, the heavy weight of how this life affects everyone else threatens to suffocate me. I know that God is in control, I know that he is working even this out for good. But sometimes knowing it is barely enough to carry me through to the next moment. Sometimes the daily part of dealing with him and his illness makes it nearly impossible to deal with anything making meals, cleaning, attending to the many needs of my other children.

The hope that still remains is this...this cycle will not last forever. The wounds oozing in my heart will eventually heal. The day is coming when the Lover of my Soul will come and carry me away forever from this painful world. In that moment he will wipe away my tears. He will make this all worth it. That is the one thing I am holding onto...soon and very soon He is coming.

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