Thursday, April 08, 2010

I guess I should go back and read through my own quickly my heart and head seem to forget the truths the Lord has spoken over my life. In a matter of moments,life seems to crumble and the all the things I dread most come to past. At the end of the day, I am left sitting here wondering where I lost my focus. Wondering how to climb back out. Wondering how I am going to plant my feet firmly on the rock and not run as fast as I can to the nearest escape.

Someday's I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate the fear that accompanies intimacy and authenticity. But it's inevitable. Especially when you want to obey the Lord. Especially when you want to be used by him. So the walls must come down. And you must get close to people. And that takes incredible risk.

Fear is the greatest weapon that seems to come against me during these times that require honesty and openness in relationships. I am so afraid of stupid things. But those stupid things hurt! Things like rejection, disapproval, failure. If you get close enough you might not like what you see. So I keep hiding. Or attempting to hide. Unfortunately, everything I try to hide behind the Lord keeps removing. That is one way to lead me to find refuge in his arms alone!

The problem is when, as a Loving Father, he pushes out of security and tells us to look fear in its eyes and say's to our hearts. " Do not fear." If I didn't know him so well, I would probably question his love. He knows my deepest fear and knows the things it holds me back from in areas of serving him. So the Lord puts me right there in front of that intimidating wall and commands me to climb over it. To push through. To see the truth and stand my ground. To rest in his perfect love and not allow fear to steal the victory.

Sometimes it feels almost cruel. My heart cries out, " Seriously, Lord. Do we really have to deal with that fear, that issue that is buried so deep I didn't even know it existed?" I beg him to deal with some of those less serious, more superficial wounds and fears. But he knows best. He always does. So he reaches deep within and performs his work while I cry, struggle, and plead. He persists even when I question his way and his method. His perfect love invades and casts out fear.

I am glad that even in those moments when I am screaming for relief, when I am begging for a different way, or when I am desperately searching for an escape; the Lord continues his work. He holds me still. He keeps me here in this place where he can work. He doesn't give up. He keeps working away, creating a beautiful masterpiece.

1 comment:

Jennifer said...

This is a timely message for me today. I'm feeling some similar things. Thanks for the encouragement. Love ya lots!