Brittney and her friends had several special times together while we were in Knoxville. Honestly, it was the hardest to watch Brittney spend time with these special friends. There just was not enough time during the trip for her to be with them as much as she wanted. I am so thankful for these girls and the part they play in Britt's life. I pray that her life will always be full of these kinds of special lifelong friendships.

Spring is coming. We are looking forward to going to Tennessee in a few days, where I hear Spring has already sprung. I love to watch creation come alive again after a period of rest. Its such a picture of our walk with Christ.

I'm leaving in a couple of hours for Denver with Jonathan. We are meeting with anesthesia to discuss his needs for his upcoming surgery. He will have his MRI around 3:15. We will meet with the oncologist right after the MRI and hopefully be home in time for church.

I am fairly certain that Jonathan's recent issues are all part of this sinus mess he can't get rid of. His speech is so slurred that it is hard to understand him. It takes a lot of mental energy just to understand what he is saying. He is counting down the days until his surgery. He hopes it will finally make him feel better.

I will post again as soon as I have the MRI results.

While you are praying for Jon, please add his special friend Sydney to your prayers. The two of them spent many hours playing together during their trips to oncology clinic. She is having scans done today due to a possible reoccurance of her cancer. Thank you for your faithfulness to pray for our kiddos.

Jonathan had an appointment on Tuesday with a sinus specialist in Denver. After seeing Jonathan and talking with the doctor. here who did his most recent sinus surgery, the doctor feels he needs to have another surgery. As much as I hate for him to go through another painful procedure, I have to agree with the doctor.

The child's nose is a mess. His septum is so deviated that the nasal passage is too narrow for the smallest instrument they had in the office. His CT scan is nasty looking. His ear is infected because of all the inflammation and infection. On top of all this, Jonathan is unstable with his moods. It always happens when he is sick. Without fail. But knowing this does not make it any easier.

We are in the process of getting surgery scheduled. Most likely, we will wait until we return from Tennessee. He is scheduled for his 3 month MRI scan on March 18th. Please pray for Jonathan- for the surgery to be successful, for his scan to be stable, and for him to get into the psychiatry office in Denver as soon as possible. I am attempting to get his care transferred there so that we will have continuity of care with all the doctors should he require inpatient care to stabilize his moods.

Thank you all for being there, for praying for us, and for loving us.

I have fallen in love all over again with my Lord. The walls around my heart crumbled at the sound of a quiet whisper of truth. With that truth the ice melted and tears of joy and sorrow flooded my soul. For the first time in a long time, tears flowed and threatened to never end. I felt like the Grinch who's heart went from being too small to suddenly about to burst.

There are not adequate words to even begin to describe the work that has been going on in my heart for the past few months. The best picture is that of a pure gentle lover romancing the heart of the one he loves. Tonight was similar to that of a wedding- when the groom sings over the bride having won her heart and becomes one with it. The most incredible part of this picture though is the patience and gentleness that the groom has displayed...because this bride has not been an easy one to win.

It has seemed, almost daily, the lover of my soul has sent me small tokens of his love. He has written his love for me in quiet ways that only I could notice. He has spoken his truth over my heart, patiently waiting for it to penetrate and soak in. I can't even begin to list all the ways Jesus has fought for my heart. One of the most recent, came this past Sunday. During a vow renewal ceremony, I was reminded of my marriage and the love of my husband. This was a wonderful opportunity for us. But God used this simple ceremony to speak something even deeper to me. All of the wives were given a single rose. When I was handed a white rose, I immediately knew that Jesus was speaking healing to my heart. He spoke truth to me in a way that only he could. "You are pure before me" " This, my love, is how I see you." If you know me and the things that I have been struggling with lately you will know how huge this was for me.

After weeks of wooing my heart and softening it, the Lord chose tonight to speak the most profound truth to my heart. During a prayer and praise service, the Lord used the pastor to speak into my heart. I didn't expect what I heard. I didn't think there was anyway there could be something the Lord wanted to say to me tonight. The pastor encouraged us to give to Jesus whatever was keeping us from being intimate with him. At once, I heard the Lord say, "You took your heart away."

Tears come now just thinking about this. You see, on the night that my son was diagnosed with a brain tumor and came face to face with death, the Lord clearly spoke to me and asked me for my heart. He asked me to place my heart in his hands for a awhile. He told me it would be ok. He told me to trust him with my heart. That he was going to use this but that he needed my heart.

I didn't have to give him my heart. But at that moment I could picture myself placing my heart in the hands of Almighty God. And his promise has never been far from my mind. For a while I was willing to let God use this life shattering, heart crushing circumstance for his glory. Many of you were touched by it, encouraged by it, and even saved through it. I wanted to be used of God in this miracle.

But time has gone on and that promise feels further away than ever. I know God was not promising to heal my child or to restore our lives to pre-diagnosis state. He had promised that He IS good. He does what is best. And He can be trusted. I saw then that his tears mixed with mine as he held my heart in his hands. Somewhere along the line though, I stopped even wanting to be used. I didn't want to trust anymore. I didn't like this plan. And I took my heart away.

I didn't want life to be like this. I didn't want my dreams crushed. I didn't want to wake up each morning desperately loving this child who was no longer the child I knew. I didn't want to feel the conflict of loving him so much yet feeling so tired and overwhelmed with the damage that it is almost unbearable. I had my whole life planned out and it certainly didn't have anything to do with this. It certainly was not going to include giving my heart to someone who would let pain and suffering go on for so long with no end in sight. But the other side of this truth is that I also didn't really want anyone but God to have my heart. So the part of me that all of you have seen for so long has been the one who knows that God is the only way. There is no where else to go, no one else to run to. But it has also been one who is only half-heartedly following after the Lord. I have been holding my heart in my own hands.

For awhile though I have sensed that this whole issue goes even deeper than just Jonathan's illness and all that has been lost. This is what I think God has been sifting through with me gently in the past few weeks. Recently parts of my past have been blown in like an unexpected storm. I didn't see it coming at first. Then when I saw it on the horizon, I tried to run and avoid it. My heart said no. My Lord said yes. Thankfully, I obeyed. It is because of this that we are in the church we are in. Because of this church that God is finally being able to break through and rescue us. So like most storms there is turbulent weather but new life following the rain. I wasn't sure and at times am still not sure how the Lord wanted me to deal with this. I just kept feeling like he was telling me not to run but to seek him through it. That there had to be some greater purpose - because this was way too weird to be anything but God's orchestrating. Tonight I realized one of those reasons...Everytime I fail, I take my heart away. Everytime I believe God can never use me. What lies that have held me in bondage! And what joy to be free.

So tonight as tears ran down my face and would not stop, we sang a song so perfectly chosen- " I give you my heart". For the first time in a long time my heart truly sang those words to my Lord. And tonight with a greater understanding of what it really means I placed my heart back into the hands of God.

I have been in a reminiscent mood lately. It seems life circumstances have driven me to reflect on where I have been and what God has done in my life and the lives of others around me. It has been such a rewarding journey as I have found so many journal entries that have reassured me of the love of Jesus in my life. I have been reminded at how BIG our God is. I have been comforted by and grateful that He is God and I am not!

This morning I came across something I had written following a Sunday morning service at our church, Fellowship Bible, back in Knoxville. It was at that church that God had begun healing my heart and bringing me back to an intimate relationship with him. I wanted to share it with you all. I am not sure when I wrote it but I think it was over a year and a half ago. I hope it will bless and encourage you.




Today, as I sat listening to the word of God being taught, I felt a simple truth planting itself in my heart. I love it when God takes a piece of scripture and makes it real and applicable to our lives. We may have read the verse numerous times in the past but today it has jumped off the page and imprinted itself on our hearts.
The message taking root in my heart today came from Matthew 14:22-32. This is the story of Jesus walking on water. Peter asks Jesus to call Peter out to Jesus. Jesus calls and Peter steps out and walks on the water. As the pastor shared this familiar story, the Holy Spirit made the connection between what I was hearing and the truth I have pondered recently.
The past several weeks have been filled with a lot of study, thought, and prayer for me. I have come to a point in my spiritual life where I had to choose if I was going to give my all to God or turn and walk the other way. I thank God he enabled my heart to see and embrace the truth and find complete surrender. Almost overnight my heart went from constant turmoil to an almost perfect peace. As I have reflected on what is still happening in my heart, I have been considering the process that occurs when a believer returns to God after a time of sin. Two points stand out in this scenario. First is the way the believer responds to failure. The second is God’s response to failure.
A believer’s response to their sin and feelings of failure directly affects the intimacy they share with God. While our sin causes a temporary break in fellowship with God, I think it is the feeling of failure which causes our hearts to pull away from the intimacy God desires people to have with Him. Once we begin to dwell on the failure to obey, failure to serve, or failure to be faithful to God then we have opened the door for Satan to pull us away. As we have just studied, Satan will use anything to prevent us from being used by God. He is a mastermind at planting thoughts of defeat and discouragement in out hearts. One very popular and sadly successful thought is that of, “What’s the point? I will never be what God wants me to be. I will never be able to reach the standard. So why even try?” So with sadness of heart many of us accept defeat and hang our heads and walk away. We may still go to church, read our bibles, and come to bible study but our hearts are intimately separated from God.
On the other hand, God’s response is the exact opposite of ours. While our sin causes a break in our fellowship with Him, it doesn’t change how God feels about us. Our continued sin puts us in a position of discipline- a fact that only proves God’s love for us further. Feelings of failure do not come from God. The Holy Spirit convicts us of our sin and leads us to repentance. The Holy Spirit leads us through brokenness so that we can be restored to intimacy with God. Separation takes place not because God moves away from us but because we have moved away from God in choosing sin. God’s forgiveness and restoration is instantaneous. The moment we turn from sin and back to God we are restored. God never says “I am sorry, you failed.” He never says,”you went too far this time. I can never use you again.” God never decides that we are no longer good enough to be his. This is such an awesome thing about God. Since God chose to save us when we were sinners, nothing we do can make God love us more. God loved us at our worst.
The passage from Matthew illustrates this perfectly. The disciples are in the midst of a storm and they begin to be taken over with fear. All of sudden Jesus appears. He is walking on the water towards the disciples. Still overwhelmed with fear, the disciples do not recognize Jesus. Jesus calls out to the disciples and tells them not to fear because it is Jesus. Peter calls out to Jesus and asks Jesus to call Peter out to him on the water. Jesus does and Peter begins to walk on the water. Unfortunately, Peter takes his eyes off of Jesus and noticing the waves begins to sink. Peter cries out to Jesus and immediately Jesus takes his hand and pulls Peter out of the water.
My heart became so excited when I read this passage and listened to the pastor because I saw myself in it. My life had become a raging storm. Jesus had give me a place of safety and told me to stay there for the duration of the storm. For a while, riding in the boat while it was tossed around by the waves was easy. I could trust God that he would make things right. I could believe that he would use my pain to reach others. I was able to rest in the fact that no matter what the storm looked like on the outside, with one word, my Lord could restore peace. I knew that no matter how fierce the wind blew and the waves crashed, I would not drown. Jesus had not promised that I would not get wet; just that I would not be overtaken.
Time passed and it seemed that storm would never end. My heart cried out to God and reminded him that I didn’t think this was too funny. The isolation of being alone in the boat was making me crazy. The constant waves crashing and wind blowing began to invade my heart with fear and anger. Why did Jesus make me get in this boat and then just leave me here? Why is he not doing what he promised? With the fear and the pain, my heart began to rebel and I decided I was not so sure I wanted to be in this boat anymore. I wanted to jump out, swim to shore, and run the other way. Before long I found myself sliding down into a life that was marked more with sin and bitterness then that of a follower of Christ. I chose to doubt Jesus would ever come and bring the storm to an end. This made me angry so I decided I would not be used by God. I would still have half hearted quiet times and sometimes go to church. After all, I knew enough about God and the alternative to serving him to not want to walk away completely. But I soon learned that I can’t keep one foot in the boat and one foot in the water. Each wave that came would send me flying over the edge. Did this happen because God said, “Get out of the boat. You are a failure. I don’t want to be with you anymore.”? No, I got knocked over because I chose to be double minded, tossed about in the storm.
Then Jesus came. I was in a desperate state. A moment longer and I might have committed spiritual suicide. Jesus always comes at the right moment. My heart, despite my sin of doubt and double mindedness, knew my Lord’s voice. I heard him call me and speak his truth into my soul. My heart asked if there was anyway he could still love me and want me and use me. In a moment he called me to come to him. I left my sin (a picture of confession and repentance) and put both feet on the water and walked to my Lord. For a few short moments, I was able to see nothing but the love my Jesus had for me. His hands outstretched, he longed for intimacy with me. He didn’t remember my sins from just moments ago. All that was gone and all that remained was the uniting of my heart with his once again.
Despite the presence of Jesus, the storm still raged around me. As the waves crashed into me, I could hear the accusing voices hidden in them. “Who do you think you are? You really think Jesus is going to want to be with you? Do you really think he can use when you have been so unfaithful? You will never be able to be good enough. He doesn’t really love you. Don’t you remember what you were doing last night? Remember those friends you went out with? Remember the family you led astray?” On and on the accusations hit me. Soon the noise reminding me of my failure drowned out the voice of Jesus calling me to his arms. Deeper in despair I began to sink. I could see where I needed to get to get to Jesus and realized I would never be able to get there. This realization took my faith away. I was drowning.
The truth was, though, I did not want to drown. I wanted desperately to be in the arms of Jesus. I didn’t want to be sinking in the despair of my sin. I didn’t know what to do. Thank God that he sent the Holy Spirit who protects us until the day we are brought to heaven. The Holy Spirit reminded me of the love of God. He reminded me that I just had to call out to Jesus. I only had to believe the truth. Out of desperate determination to not be destroyed I cried out to Jesus to help me.
This is where we see one of the most amazing things about the character of God. Immediately, when we cry out to God he reaches down and pulls us out. He pulls us to his side and carries us back to the boat. There is nothing we have to do before Jesus saves us from drowning. No good works, no amount of quiet times, no period of time without sin. All we have to do is call out, “Help me Jesus”. He restores us to the place where he wants us. There may be consequences… we are wet, cold, vulnerable, and humbled. We may be gently reminded of how we got where we got. Even the gently question, “Why did you have such little faith?” displays the loving heart of a father who wants us to learn from our sin. It is not meant to drive us back into failure mode. Jesus wants me to recognize my weakness so the next time I want to put one foot overboard I will cry for help before I even get to the water.
Notice that the passage says Jesus and Peter went back to the boat. Once they arrived and were in the boat the storm stopped. Peace filled their world and their hearts. I think this is exactly what God does in out hearts. He allows to come to a point where we fall and cry for help. We see how far away from our Lord we have wandered. God, in his love, breaks us and brings us to repentance. In a moment’s time, he then restores us and speaks peace over our hearts. There is no room for the despairing, suffocating feelings of failure that accompanies our guilt of sin. Rather, Jesus longs for us to grasp the truth. He came to save sinners. Once we are saved, we become clean in his sight. We will at times choose to sin rather than obey. In these times, the Holy Spirit will bring us to repentance and God will restore us. He will use our times of weakness to strengthen others. Even a life full of sin, once broken and restored, can be used greatly in God’s kingdom. God’s focus is not on what you were or are; it is on what He has done. Accept his love for you. Leave failure at the bottom of the sea and be lifted, by his love, back into the boat. There you will feel the peace of God surround you and set you free.

I am sorry for the late update on Jonathan. I could not access this page at the hospital so I was only updating Facebook. He is doing wonderfully. You can not even tell the child has had surgery. And he loves showing off his port!
I will update more later on other things. I have to get my house back in order!!!!

Jonathan is scheduled to have sinus surgery @ 7 am Wednesday morning. They will also be removing his port. Please pray for everything to go smoothly and for a quick recovery. Pray that this surgery will be successful and there will be some relief from all the mood swings and irritability. We all need a break!

Thank you for your prayers today for my friend. She has made it through surgery. The drs were able to remove the entire tumor. I am hoping to hear more soon. Please keep praying for a full recovery.

Thank you all for your prayers for Cindy. Please keep praying for her. She goes in for surgery tomorrow at 10am. Pray specifically that she will have a full recovery with no spinal damage. There is a chance that the tumor itself has caused nerve damage and the numbness and difficulty walking could remain after surgery. Pray for God to use this situation in a mighty way. Pray that the tumor is not wrapped up in of the nerves. Pray the patch the dr uses to close up the spinal cord will not leak and that she will not have a spinal headache.
Thank you friends for your faithfulness to pray.
I love you all.

Urgent Prayer Request!!!!

Please pray diligently for my friend, Cindy, tonight and in the coming days. She is one of the moms who I teach with at co-op. We have become pretty close. I received an email today from her that has left me on my knees crying out to the Lord for his intervention and healing.

She had begun having numbness in her legs. Since then it has progressed to numb from the ribs down. Apparently she is in the hospital unable to walk right at all. So far the doctors have found 2 spots in her brain and a large spinal tumor. They are going to do surgery on Monday to remove the tumor. As you can imagine, she is scared but knows Jesus is holding her.

Pray for her family. She has several grown children and a little boy in 2nd grade who is one of Jon's best friends. Pray for God to give her peace regarding all the decisions.

Thank you friends for being so faithful.

Out with the old...in with the new:

Strange things are happening around here.

The Lord is up to something and His ways are not my ways. But His ways are good. That I do know. I am so thankful that things are not up to me. Its a crazy wild adventure that one signs up for when they place their heart into the hands of Almighty God. He blows my mind.

My brain is on overload. My heart is bursting at the seams. I have found my lips overflowing with silent prayers. My hand is gripping the Father's hand. I have no idea where this is all going but I know who is leading. So I am safe. I am free. I am secure. I know who holds my hand.

So what's going on? I really don't know. I know that my prayers have been answered. I know that God is in the process of transforming me. He is transforming my husband. My children are changing. I really didn't expect such a fast response to our prayers. I really thought we would continue down the path of despair and failure. It was quite hopeless in my view.

But, through very unlikely and hard to believe circumstances, God is reaching into our lives and touching them. He is setting us free. He is breathing his life into our hearts again. This process of being made a live again hurts. It is easier to remain dead emotionally. But I want to breathe. I want to live. In the midst of this new life, Satan tries to destroy what God begins. Floods of memories, past faults, past failures, broken dreams, unfulfilled longings threaten to drown me.

The Lord blew me away these past couple of weeks in how he has begun setting me free from the raging in my head and hurt. He used some people who I never would have though possible. I am not going to go in to great detail. But I will share that God answered more prayers than one. We have been praying for a church. We have desperately needed a church. We have been so hesitant to step out and find one. At the same time I have been praying for healing in my husband's heart and that he would find courage to lead us. Well, 2 weeks ago we woke up 30 minutes before we would need to leave to go to church. We both looked at each other and debated about church. We laid there a little longer. Prompted that we needed to go, we got up and had all the kids showered and ready and in the car in record time. It had snowed the night before- so the fact that we even went was totally God. The church we went to was so totally not what I would have chosen... I had been resistant because of the church it was. And unfortunately I have a lot of influence over we go or not. Shortly after we arrived, we were reunited with an old friend who God used to speak His truth powerfully into my heart to begin the healing process.
Only God could orchestrate such a day. Even down to the detail of someone from my past being used by God to speak truth into my life and set me free from the lies I believed.

We have prayed for friends. I have especially prayed for God to provide a friend for my husband. We both have had the blessing of meeting with accountability partners and mentors in the past. This type of relationship is desire we both have deeply. This past week, Shawn got to reconnect with a friend. Where this friendship goes, I don't know but it is a start.

Another thing I have been praying and struggling with has been the kids and school. I just don't know what the right choice is. Well, through the teaching that first Sunday, I finally felt peace over the decisions we have to make. The peace over trusting my husband to lead, over realizing that this decision is not a set in stone, life or death decision. Oh there is so much more than even that... so many ways that I can feel God changing me. Anyway, I have stopped fighting for my way. I am trusting God to open the doors that are right or close the ones that are not. So, we have applied for three different charter schools. They will have a lottery to choose who is attending the schools in the next couple of weeks. If the kids get accepted they will go to school next year. If they don't then I will continue to teach them at home. This is so huge for me to let go of.

There is so much more that I could share. I am still trying to process it all. I will share more later on this topic. Thank you all as you continue to pray for me and our family!

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Ice Skating Videos

I got a new point and shoot camera for those spur of the moment pictures when I don't have my big camera. Honestly, though, I bought it for the video capability. So you will all have to bear with me as I am a little video crazy right now! If you are just a casual reader of my blog you may just want to pass on this one. If you are family...you might like seeing Mya learning how to ice skate. The second video is clips of all the kids ice skating at Jason's party.

Jason is nine years old!!!!
Jason decided to have a family birthday party. He wanted to go ice skating. So we enjoyed a family dinner at Red Robin. Jason ate up all the attention. He ate every single bite of the ice cream without sharing any because it was HIS birthday. After dinner, we met up with Mamaw and Papa, all the aunts, uncles, and cousins for ice skating. The kids all had a blast. We then came home and shared ice cream cake and opened presents. Jason finished it off by spending the night with his cousin Nate.

Our family has embarked on quite a few adventures this past year. Starting with our
move to Colorado in April, we began an adventure with homeschooling. This has been quite a journey... I must say that now that we have reached the halfway mark I think we can make it! I am most impressed. I love the support from the teachers that help us make it through the tough moments. All three boys are going through a reading program called the Barton System. It is specifically for dyslexia. I am hopeful that there will be an improvement as we progress through the program.

I am still debating on whether all four kids will continue homeschooling or if we will return to school. I am all for keeping them home. But I need to really pray about their individual needs. Brittney seems to be adjusting well and making friends at co-op. Jason on the other hand is not really connecting with friends there so I am not sure what to do with him. He doesn't want to go to school but he misses having friends. I think once we get established in a church that he will be ok.

Our newest adventure began a little over a week ago. My sister and her three boys moved in with us. My sister is going through a divorce so they are staying with us in the transition period. It is a good thing that we both love chaos and thrive in it- there are 8 children here ages: 11,10,9,6,5,4,2, and 17months. Its quite loud and fun to say the least. Dana moving here was such a blessing to me- probably more than she realizes. My heart's desire and prayer has been to get more structure into my life and my kids lives. My goal was to start implementing a plan during Christmas break. Well, Dana is so much better in this area than I am. Her structure motivates me. So my house has been cleaner and more organized, meals have been made, everyone is settling into a routine, and I think, despite the extra children, my husband is happier.

Despite Jonathan's recent issues, all is well in our home. We are looking forward to 2009. First on our list is to find a church to connect to... we desperately need fellowship and a place to belong. Please pray along with us on this. Its a scary place to be- wounded and on the outside of the pack. It makes you very vulnerable to attacks.
Who knows what else is ahead? I am sure it will be quite an adventure.

Some days it is hard to believe all that Jonathan has been through. Some days it is hard to believe he is still alive. He is definately a miracle. He should not be here. But he is...and that means God has a purpose.

On days like the ones he has had the past few weeks I have struggle to understand what that purpose is. I know that so many lives have been touched because of Jonathan's life. He has reached into many hearts and brought healing by his unconditional love and blindness to others flaws. He has displayed a childlike faith that puts most of us to shame. Until recently, he has not even wrestled with "why me". He has just accepted this call on his life and joyfully proclaims- I have special needs because I have a brain tumor. See they cut my head open from ear to ear. You want to hear a song. And then he goes into a mini concert of worship songs for the whole grocery store to hear.

Most of the time- at least in the busy moments-I don't wrestle. But when I am caring for him after he has thrown up, or give him the maximum amount of headache medicine, or listen to him come unglued because he can't cope with anything, or watch as he struggles to hold something in his hands and they shake and objects fall then I can't help but wonder why. In all honesty, I wonder why God allowed him to live. There is a fear deep inside of me that if things were to go that way now it would be so much harder for him to understand. Thoughts I can't really dwell on.

I know that God allowed him to live for me, for his daddy, his brothers and sisters, for all of us who are touched by him. There is so much good. I know it. Today his pain is on my mind and the anxiety of the unknown weighs heavy on my heart. I know that I would be far to weak spiritually to endure the suffering this child has and not bitterly turn my back on God. I only have the emotional pain and I walk very often on the edge of desertion. The truth remains though- that there is no where else I could go, no one else to turn to but my Lord. So I am grateful that he remembers that I am but dust in desperate need of my Savior and the truth and hope that He holds.

So you are probably wondering what brought this all on. The past few weeks Jonathan has progessively gotten sicker. I am sure that it is probably nothing or a sinus infection or the lack of faithfulness to a gluten free diet. But as he has thrown up 3 times in the past 2 weeks in his sleep, has constant headaches, constant nausea and increased fatigue I have started to worry. I emailed the doctors in Denver yesterday and they agree that we need to scan as soon as possible to rule out anything tumor related. He is scheduled to be scanned tomorrow morning.
See- this it the cruelness of any cancer. It never goes away. Even after years of clean scans, you can wake up one morning and life completely changes again. Something simple could be nothing or could be everything. Its torture to always be suspended somewhere between living and dying.

Sorry for the depressing post. I promise to post more uplifting posts today. But I need you to all be praying for Jonathan and for us. We need healing in more than one area! Thanks for walking this path with us.

Trying to catch up... before Christmas and its thousand pictures!

Making Christmas cookies got a little physical this year!

Wow, I have been gone for a long time from this blog! I am sorry friends. Its been crazy around here and by the time I sit down to write I feel mentally depleted. Plus, I have been quite distracted by facebook and the opportunity it has given me to chat. My sister in law and I have had more conversations in the past couple of weeks than I think we have ever had.

So much has been going on out here in cold and snowy Colorado. I think my kids are feeling a little snow overload. I caught them saying something about wanting a " Tennessee Christmas!" I am not sure the longing they have for their friend back in Tennesee will ever go away but we are trying to soften the hurt just a little. We are slowly making friends and getting involved with others. The kids were busy today making presents to send to their cousins and friends in Tennessee. I am not sure if they will make it in time but we will try.

Brittney celebrated her 10th birthday on Dec. 11. I can't believe that it has already been 10 years since I first held in her my arms and looked down into her purple and blue bruised face. I was so ecstatic to hear her cry- now I am begging her to tone down the drama just slightly! Actually, I must say I am so proud of her and thankful for her. She is so mature in the things that matter but still catches me off guard when she acts like a "normal" kid her age. She is a blessing to me in so many ways. Now that she has gotten older, it is so much fun to have a constant shopping buddy.

We were not planning to celebrate her birthday until after the holiday rush died down a little. Feeling bad, I mentioned that maybe she might want to have a friend or two come home from co-op with us and spend the night since her birthday was on co-op day. Well, by the time we left co-op we had three girls come home with us and two others that joined later. So we threw a spontaneuos birthday party that I think Brittney really enjoyed. The girls were awake until almost 2 am!!!!! Thank goodness sleepovers are a rarity.

Brittney also auditioned for a play last week. Although she did not get offered a part, she did get a call back which she was so excited about. It was a really good learning experince for her. She is going to try out for a different play at the beginning of January. Jason and Josh also decided they too want to audtion... I am holding them off for now.

I will try to update on more of the December events soon... just wanted to drop a little post to say that I am still here... just really busy and really tired!

p.s. Please keep Jon in your prayers. He has had a few rough days with some vomiting and headache. This always happens to us right before its time to do his MRI again and its usually nothing but my mommy heart can't help but worry.