Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Some days it is hard to believe all that Jonathan has been through. Some days it is hard to believe he is still alive. He is definately a miracle. He should not be here. But he is...and that means God has a purpose.

On days like the ones he has had the past few weeks I have struggle to understand what that purpose is. I know that so many lives have been touched because of Jonathan's life. He has reached into many hearts and brought healing by his unconditional love and blindness to others flaws. He has displayed a childlike faith that puts most of us to shame. Until recently, he has not even wrestled with "why me". He has just accepted this call on his life and joyfully proclaims- I have special needs because I have a brain tumor. See they cut my head open from ear to ear. You want to hear a song. And then he goes into a mini concert of worship songs for the whole grocery store to hear.

Most of the time- at least in the busy moments-I don't wrestle. But when I am caring for him after he has thrown up, or give him the maximum amount of headache medicine, or listen to him come unglued because he can't cope with anything, or watch as he struggles to hold something in his hands and they shake and objects fall then I can't help but wonder why. In all honesty, I wonder why God allowed him to live. There is a fear deep inside of me that if things were to go that way now it would be so much harder for him to understand. Thoughts I can't really dwell on.

I know that God allowed him to live for me, for his daddy, his brothers and sisters, for all of us who are touched by him. There is so much good. I know it. Today his pain is on my mind and the anxiety of the unknown weighs heavy on my heart. I know that I would be far to weak spiritually to endure the suffering this child has and not bitterly turn my back on God. I only have the emotional pain and I walk very often on the edge of desertion. The truth remains though- that there is no where else I could go, no one else to turn to but my Lord. So I am grateful that he remembers that I am but dust in desperate need of my Savior and the truth and hope that He holds.

So you are probably wondering what brought this all on. The past few weeks Jonathan has progessively gotten sicker. I am sure that it is probably nothing or a sinus infection or the lack of faithfulness to a gluten free diet. But as he has thrown up 3 times in the past 2 weeks in his sleep, has constant headaches, constant nausea and increased fatigue I have started to worry. I emailed the doctors in Denver yesterday and they agree that we need to scan as soon as possible to rule out anything tumor related. He is scheduled to be scanned tomorrow morning.
See- this it the cruelness of any cancer. It never goes away. Even after years of clean scans, you can wake up one morning and life completely changes again. Something simple could be nothing or could be everything. Its torture to always be suspended somewhere between living and dying.

Sorry for the depressing post. I promise to post more uplifting posts today. But I need you to all be praying for Jonathan and for us. We need healing in more than one area! Thanks for walking this path with us.


The Welch Family said...

Hey Kelly,

Thank you for sharing that - I can so relate. There are great days, and then there are days when I really want it to be over - to be done with having to make decisions, done with feeling the pain. Such ups and downs. I will be praying that your eyes will stay focused on the Lord and always be reminded that this place is not our home.

Praying for you - as I know a bit about the struggles - and understanding.

Tina said...

oh dear Kelly, I haven't been on my bloglines very much so I am just seeing this. I am soooo sorry for what you all are going through. Praying so hard for you all. You are soo incredibly loved.