List of "TO-DO" that weighs heavily upon me this morning....
There is so little time left and that time is flying by so fast. I gauge time by weekly chemo visits...it seems like by the time we finish one it is time again for another. I can't believe how fast this whole year has gone by! Of course, Jonathan helps speed this along....we hardly make it to the parking lot and he is already counting down the days to when we come back. He loves clinic!!!! He really loves the stickers and all the hugs, kisses, and individual attention. It is "his" special place.
Besides the obvious things of packing and cleaning, there is so much left to do. Just for fun (and to help me organize and prioritize my thoughts)I am going to list most of these here. So you may just want to tune out now but if you are interested in the way my brain works as it contemplates the last few weeks of life as we have known it than stay connected!
1. Scrapbooking. Ok, I know I am crazy but I desperately want to scrapbook. A month ago I had very ambitious goals. I was going to complete our whole family album from my childhood. I was going to make albums for each of my siblings...I packed all of my personal pictures and left the boxes of these pictures unpacked. But I have not yet gotten to that...so it may have to wait for a snowy day in Colorado. But it feels unfinished so it stays on my mind. I also really want to make each of the kids a moving scrapbook with pictures of their closest friends, favorite places, our house etc. Most of all, I want to have one last scrapbook party with my sister and friends. Too much to accomplish, huh?
2. A going away party to plan. I envision a huge party...with everyone who has been a part of our lives here. I am a dreamer. I know it. But I can't help it. I want the kids to have a going away party with their classes. I want to Jon to have a special time with his friends and all the people who have taken care of him. I have no idea where to start in planning this...I need to find a location that will work in any weather and could hold a lot of people. I need to figure out how to do it...I thought an open house type thing could be good...staggering the classes and then ending with a bbq or something with our closest friends and Shawn's coworkers. But I don't know how to pull it all together. Any of you have any good ideas?????
3. A million letters to write. Once I have an idea of where we are going to live I need to let everyone know. I am already planning how to stage a picture for a photo announcement. The other letters are the ones that press on my heart more than anything else. There are those special people who I want to thank. There are the relationships that need mending. One group of those I really want to write are the drs and nurses who have cared for my Jon and have worked hard to keep him alive. They have empowered me to be his mom. And I want to thank them. There is the endocrinologist who has held his ground from the beginning but has listened to me and has shown real concern and has given me answers every time I have questioned him. I know without a doubt that he cares about Jonathan. There is the oncologist in Atlanta who has taught me so much about how a doctor should be. She has been the one advocate for Jonathan who has gone beyond the simple goal of surviving to actual living- the best life that can be achieved. She doesn't settle for just ok. She has been my special blessing of God. Without this woman I am not sure we would have survived. And there is the current team who takes care of Jon. If you remember a year ago I dreaded going back to clinic. I was willing to drive 4 hours every week just to avoid it. But I am so glad this was not an option. The team that I was convinced didn't care has proven the total opposite. Then there is the man who gives us our parking ticket every week in the clinic parking lot. He and Jon have grown so attached. They have a secret handshake. He gave Jonathan tickets to a UT basket ball game for tomorrow. He brought Jon a christmas present. He waits for us to get there each week. They make each others days. There are so many more people. So many things I want to say.
4. This one weighs the heaviest on my heart...I guess because I know in reality it is the one thing on my list that will never be checked off. I hate not being able to do anything about it. There are several relationships that have become damaged or strained over the past year or two. It is hard for me to leave knowing that they are going to remain this way. It feels so unfinished. It feels so much like defeat. Sometimes the hardest thing for me is to just pray and not say anything.
5. There have been so many missed opportunities. I desperately want to pause time and be able to spend time with all the people who we have meant to over the past year. There isn't time now to have dinner with each one, coffee with each person on my heart. But again not to do it feels so unfinished. I dream about it. My mind is so preoccupied by it that I can't rest. But in some of the cases I am not brave enough to pick up the phone and say..." I know we haven't talked to each other in the past year but can we have dinner?" I desperately want to hang onto these relationships. I want to will them to be something more than they are. But I feel like we will move and what was will be a distant memory of the past. And it will be forever unfinished in my heart.
6. On top of all these things I have to pack, prepare to transfer all of Jon's care to new drs, take a househunting trip, find and buy a house, clean, and still do all the normal daily life. That stuff keeps getting in my way- I just wanted to focus on the important things!!!!
So I have a lot to do. Honestly, I am scared. I am scared of what the future holds. I am excited. I am ready to go but so very nervous. I don't want to dream of what will be...I just want to trust God knows what we need and he will provide down to every detail.