Sunday, September 09, 2007

I thought everyone might enjoy seeing a picture of Jonathan. He is now 4 months into his chemo treatments. Overall, he looks pretty good, doesn't he? He has lost lots of hair but still has a good amount left. I imagine by the end of treatment it will be close to gone. It's not a big deal to Jon though. He loves to show off his scars.

He is feeling better this week. Thank you for praying for him last week. Last week he ended up missing several doses of his "mood control" medicine. Yesterday he was on edge about everything. Several breakdowns were looming. I tried giving him his meds early in the afternoon. They worked for his mood but he has been awake ALL night long! Don't think I will do that again.

I am still trying to get caught up from all the chaos. My brother Caleb moved in with us for a little while. He is going to school at Pellissippi and trying to get settled into adult life. It has been fun having him here. The kids, especially Mya, love him to death. It can be a little challenging but so far so good. I just have to figure out how to arrange bedrooms so they make the most sense. I am not sure what is best yet! I probably just need my brain to shut off and just clean up.

Adding to the craziness is the neverending almost overwhelming thoughts flying through my brain. My job has opened my eyes to so many realities of life. As I consider all of this I go from fearful (but then I remember God's perfect love cast out fear- so I must run to God with this fear and gain his perspective.) to urgent; from purpose to utter sadness that there is nothing I can do to slow down time. It has caused me to totally reconsider everything about life. Here are some realizations I have been contemplating lately:

1. No matter who you are or what you accomplish in life we all end up the same. In these nursing homes there are people who at one time were somebody. One was a professional football player- now he lays in a bed in a nursing home suffering from dementia. In some ways, it made me think- the only difference money, position or prestige really made in the end was to determine whether you have enough money to have a private room or be in a better facility. It doesn't change how you spend the end of your days.

2. So if all of these things don't really matter, what does? Relationships. It makes me wonder- would some of these people be at home surrounded by their families if they had taken the time to build those relationships? Granted, a lot of them do have relationships and its evident in their care and the warmth of their rooms. They just have conditions that require extra nursing care. SO please don't take take me wrong on this thought- the main thinking is that I want to capture the time I have now to do what matters. To spend time with my children. To spend time with my family. To love on people. If I end up there I want my room to be filled with love not blank walls and empty hearts.

3. We only have a short time to do what matters. I always,unconsciously, think I have all the time in the world. Nothing will happen to me. Nothing will stop me from doing, loving, being until the day I die. But you know what this is all I have- these few short years to make a difference. I have no guarantees. I could end up physically and mentally unable to do anything. I am not afraid of what the future holds. I am afraid of not living today. I am afraid of not fully embracing the life God has given me. I am afraid of not loving enough. Not doing the right things. Not finding what God has chosen for me to do and be.

So today I am asking God to cast out this fear and to replace with His peace that passes understanding...His peace that comes to a surrendered heart. A heart that rests and waits for God to lead.

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