Desperate tonight for the strong grip of my heavenly father's hand holding mine. I don't know why but every once and a while some strong wind of sadness comes blowing through and knocks me completely off course.
That is where I am tonight. Desperate to hear his voice. Desperate for his words to tell me he loves me, he is pleased with me, he loves me even when I am not pleasing him, and that he is all I need. Desperate for the peace and rest that I know is there if only I can turn and run to him. Desperate for the truth that He is my hiding place... I need a place to hide tonight.
Reality is hitting me hard today. The shattered dreams and hopes. The pain of watching my child struggle through another day. The pain of knowing that the future is so dim for him. The overwhelmingness of all that lays upon my shoulder. The lack of desire that I have even had for things of God coupled with the overwhelming need to be where I could be if I would just choose to turn to him. The hopelessness I feel as I survey all the damage that this wretched tumor has caused...not just in Jonathan but in all of us. I can't fix anyone. I know God is able... but tonight it just feels crushing to my spirit. The only words I can think of to sum it all up is the verse that talks about growing weary of doing good. Please pray that God will protect me from this. I don't know what will happen to me or to all of us if we give up. Somedays I feel so strong. And others I feel so ready to walk away.
Its not all bad...just where I am tonight. Tomorrow when the sun has risen and all has gone back to normal I will tell you about the incredible weekend I had with my husband. And all about my sweet baby girl who celebrated her 2nd birthday today!!!!!