Sunday, September 21, 2008

Desperate tonight for the strong grip of my heavenly father's hand holding mine. I don't know why but every once and a while some strong wind of sadness comes blowing through and knocks me completely off course.
That is where I am tonight. Desperate to hear his voice. Desperate for his words to tell me he loves me, he is pleased with me, he loves me even when I am not pleasing him, and that he is all I need. Desperate for the peace and rest that I know is there if only I can turn and run to him. Desperate for the truth that He is my hiding place... I need a place to hide tonight.
Reality is hitting me hard today. The shattered dreams and hopes. The pain of watching my child struggle through another day. The pain of knowing that the future is so dim for him. The overwhelmingness of all that lays upon my shoulder. The lack of desire that I have even had for things of God coupled with the overwhelming need to be where I could be if I would just choose to turn to him. The hopelessness I feel as I survey all the damage that this wretched tumor has caused...not just in Jonathan but in all of us. I can't fix anyone. I know God is able... but tonight it just feels crushing to my spirit. The only words I can think of to sum it all up is the verse that talks about growing weary of doing good. Please pray that God will protect me from this. I don't know what will happen to me or to all of us if we give up. Somedays I feel so strong. And others I feel so ready to walk away.
Its not all bad...just where I am tonight. Tomorrow when the sun has risen and all has gone back to normal I will tell you about the incredible weekend I had with my husband. And all about my sweet baby girl who celebrated her 2nd birthday today!!!!!


Pam said...

Oh Kelly~

I can hear the defeat in your words, and I pray right now for the Lord to wrap His strong arms around you and remind you that you have no need to be strong. He will carry you through this time as well.

My heart aches for you, sweet friend. I do pray for protection right now, both for your heart and your mind. I pray Jesus will surround you today with His hope, His love, His peace . . . that passes all understanding.

I pray He would swoop in this day and reveal Himself faithful, by some tangible reminder that He has you carefully tucked under His wing and that He holds the hope for you and your precious family right in the palm of His hand.

Know that you are heavy on my heart this day, and I will continue to pray and intercede on your behalf throughout this day and the ones coming ahead.

Thank you, dear Kelly, for sharing your heart so openly in order that I may have the privilege of praying for you.

Sending a hug from afar.

Love Pam

Tennessee Mama Duck said...

Kelly, I just said a prayer for you. God is good. He has a great purpose in this, I am sure. I can only imagine how hard it is...and has been for so long it seems. Run to Him to let Him hold you, my friend.

I love you!

Tina said...

Oh my dear, sweet friend Kelly, whom I have yet to meet. Praying, praying, praying.. ditto everything that Pam said.

Love you BUNCHES, but God loves you that times infinity....

Gretchen said...

Hey, I hope you had a nice quiet evening! I am glad we were able to have a cup of coffee, now we just need to have a relaxing spa weekend away! (((hugs)))

Anonymous said...

im so sorry sis.i know sometimes its extra hard.i love you and God can do amazing things!It'll work out the way he wants,maybe not how we want,but its all good baby.your a wonderful mother and sister and wife!im praying for you sis,have a steady heart and a peaceful night :)