Do you know how there are those days when God is speaking to your heart and you just can't put words to what he is saying? It seems the past few days have been like that for me. I can feel the Spirit moving in my heart- I know God is breaking through yet another layer and is taking me deeper. The funny thing is how the enemy convinces me how hard I have become and how far I am from God. Then all of sudden the Lord meets me and I am reminded that I can never be too far away from my Jesus.
This morning I tried to write down what God is saying during my quiet time (yes, I actually had a quiet time!!!!). I asked God to help me listen because I didn't want to miss what he was speaking to my heart. And just as he has promised... God came and met me and spoke to my heart through his word. I am amazed all the time how whatever we are led to read that day is exactly what we needed to hear.
The first verse I read came from Psalm 31:24. It says: "Be of good courage and he will strengthen your heart; all you who hope in the Lord. " I don't know about you, but my heart needs strengthening. My heart is tired, overwhelmed, aching, broken, burdened, and desperate for escape. And here the Lord who loves me more than I could ever imagine tells me he will strengthen my heart- not just my body or mind or even soul... but my heart. He will give me strength and courage as long as I don't retreat from the battle at hand... I choose to hope today in the one who gives me strength!
Then as if that was enough treasure for the day the next verse said: When my heart is overwhelmed lead me to the Rock who is higher than me. Psalm 61:2. Not only did God know my heart would be overwhelmed he gave me a place to run. I think I am going to have to take a trip to the mountains ( if there is such a thing here in Knoxville!!!) or get my friend in Colorado to send me a picture or a giant rock and put this verse with it as a reminder. Being overwhelmed is not a problem if I know and choose where to go with the feeling.
Choice. This is what I have been hearing God say lately. Choices are set before me daily. Life or Death. Blessing or Curse. What choice will I make? A choice unto death through defeat or despair? Or a choice that leads to life by running to that rock, finding refuge as the lover of my soul tenderly strengthens my heart? Too often lately I have chosen death- to live life in my own power. I have been overwhelmed by all the "expectations" I have placed on myself in motherhood, marriage and godly living.
The other morning when I had the first encounter with God in a long time I was on the floor scrubbing it. Worship music was playing in the background and my heart was conversing with the Lord. A certain song came on and God used it to give me a glimpse of his heart. I was broken over how much time I am wasting on petty things. Energy spent on things that don't matter. Unfortunately, the enemy took this and ran with it. All day I was stricken with this anxiety and urgency to "do". The less I could do the grumpier I got. Which completely was not the point of what God was speaking to my heart.
What God was saying was to make a choice in several areas we are facing in our lives:
It is time to move on... a time of grieving and intense pain is ending. Healing has taken place in the first stage. It is time to move on to the next stage- learning how to love and function in a body of Christ again. It is time for fellowship, community, and ministry. So yesterday we decided to visit a new church close to our house. The church where we have been going has been a place for us to heal and get grounded again spiritually but it is not where we belong. We are not sure where God wants us only that it is time to go. We were refreshed and encouraged yesterday at the service we went to. I was so blessed to watch Jason go to class willingly and beg us to come back again. We are scared and nervous and want to make the right choice...this again is one of things that God is speaking to my heart... we need to step out and make a choice for life... if it is not where he wants us, God will let us know. All the "petty" things about individual churches don't really matter as long as God is worshiped, his word accurately preached and lived out among the believers. Pray for us in this decision... pray God will put us exactly where he wants us.
There's more about not wasting my life but I think this will be it for today... I must get back to the "living" and get started on the day... three hours of sleep will not last for very long so I better take advantage of my coffee induced energy while I have it!