Been thinking a lot about friends lately...

and how much a part of my life they are. So many of you have walked through different parts of my life journey with me. Some of you from the time I was just a little girl. Some of you have been there my whole life. Others of you are treasures that have grown more valuable over the test of time, distance, and experience. Some of you have shared your heart with me and given me the gift of your priceless friendship. Some of you are new friends who have brought so much meaning and purpose into my life recently. For all of you, and the part you have played in my life I am thankful.

Some songs that I have been listening to lately have reminded me of some specific friendships and memories with some special people. And since I am sitting here in this quiet hospital room with nothing else to do you all get the pleasure of listening to them too!!!

These first two songs remind me of my group of friends from my trip to Guatemala. We often sang these songs...especially at the end of our time. And I am so thankful that some of these friends are still my friends today, especially my best friend Gretchen!! I can't believe so many years have passed.

This song is for all of you who have walked through the tough times with me.

This one is for my Tennessee girls...brings back so many memories of the good "old" days.

And for those of you who have spoken truth over my life, showering me with prayer and love.

This one is for my sister Reagan...remember this????

I feel like I have been in an intense battle all day. Thank you all for your prayers throughout the day. It is amazing the difference having prayer warriors makes. We started the morning with an MRI that showed no tumor growth or changes in the brain. Ruled out any other physical reasons for why we have had such sudden behavior changes.

The Lord brought such comfort this morning through my oncology team. I love them so much. To see the concern, the compassion, and the frustration that they have towards this situation encourages me to know we are not alone. Each of them love Jonathan so much and are doing the best that they can. Even the social worker was brought to tears. We just can't stand to see what happens to our precious Jonathan. Trust me when I say that it is horrible.

Dr. Foreman was able to capture the situation well and give words to what I feel. What we are dealing with is hypothalamic rage. It stems from the hypothalamus being severely damaged. He literally doesn't have a way to use the coping skill needed to calm down and not overreact. Dr. Foreman said that you want another part of the brain to be broken...but not the hypothalamus. All the behavior control is centered there. He said there is nothing harder to deal with and more heartbreaking than a hypothalamic rage because you literally can not reason with the child. There is no talking down. There is no changing the mind. It just has to run its course. This was hard to hear, even though I have been saying it forever, because its just one more thing that we can't do anything about. My mommy heart wants to, needs to be able to fix it. I need to be able to take the pain away. I need to protect my other kids from the horrifying experience. And I can't. It is not fair.

Shortly after oncology came, the psychiatrist came in. There is something that just is not setting right with me regarding this doctor. We have had several encounters in the past where he is contradicting himself, forgetting what he said previously, and where he tells me to do something but then acts like I did something without his permission. And he always messes with Jon's meds. That is a very thin line to be walking on. He is very conservative... I think he has some situations go wrong and it has caused him to not be aggressive in treating with medication. I understand the fears and concerns. But I on the other side of this situation am living with the consequences of his fear and lack of intervention. I can tell you that the lack of help is as debilitating and dangerous as any side effect the medicine will have. So while I appreciate his effort, I don't really care for his method. But he is all I have.

He wanted to try a medicine named phenobarbital, an old seizure med that causes sedation. At first it appeared that this med could be used as a rescue medicine. I was ok with a sedating rescue drug. Later when the inpatient oncology docs were telling me the plan, the plan had changed. This was not a prn rescue med. It was an every day medicine. I was not ok with that. I don't need more every day medicines. Especially not everyday meds that are going to make him even more tired and irritated than he already is. What I need is an emergency plan. To top it of, the docs informed that they were going to take him off the Prozac. So not ok with me. It honestly seems that every time we are in the hospital the psychiatrist takes advantage of the opportunity to take him off a medicine. When they told me that, all of sudden I was done agreeing with them and I told them so.

I told them my feelings about the way the psychiatrist is handling the situation. I told them that the only way I would even be willing to use the phenobarb was if they gave him the first dose here and kept him for observation. They were getting ready to discharge us with the instruction to try this med for 10 days and then follow up. So my refusal to leave without observation bought us more time. And I told them we were not changing the prozac. Prozac combined with zyprexa makes a medicine called symbyax. This medicine is the one med that brought Jon stability after two years of psychosis. No way are we touching this medicine.

The more I thought about, prayed about, and researched the medicine the more I didn't have any peace about. So I finally was able to explain to the nurse in a way that finally made sense exactly why we were here. Of course I have been saying the same thing all day and no one seemed to be getting it. We were going to have a conference of all the doctors but most of them had already left. So instead the attending came in and listened (finally) and came up with a reasonable plan. We are not doing the phenobarbital. And in the morning we will be discussing an emergency plan that is reasonable and effective and agreed on by all involved.

I am not sure if the psychiatrist is going to agree. I am not sure he is even going to want to be involved after tomorrow. But I am praying he will be open to listening and willing to take a risk. All I know is that I am leaving only when I have one thing....a plan that includes emergency medicine that works fast...not something that might work in an hour or two. But immediate.

Its ridiculous though that this has to be so hard. Because he has had seizures in the past, they have given me emergency anti-seizure meds that work within minutes. Because he is adrenal insufficient, I have injectable cortef for an emergency. Why can't they give me some tools that will treat the raging crisis within minutes. It doesn't make sense.

So tomorrow may be a fight. Might not be. We need your prayers. I am so thankful for your continued prayers and love.

Until tomorrow....

You know the situation is not good when you feel as though death would be better than what life is. Sorry, friends, just being honest. The sentence this disease has placed upon my sweet Jonathan is so incredibly cruel. There is no end in sight. No treatment. Nothing to make it better. And to always fall through the cracks because you are an "out of the box" kind of kid in a world that doesn't make accommodations for "out of the box thinking".

It would be less cruel to have no treatment options and yet, have the hope that you will be free from the pain and sickness and be with Jesus. This hypothalamic rage (the term for what is happening because his hypothalamus is broken.) is more devastating and ravaging of quality of life than so many other things. And we can't fix it. You just can't have a hypothalamus transplant. Believe me if you could, I would be the first in line to give him mine!

I am trying to prepare right now to be the advocate for my child. Somehow I need to respectfully ask the doctors to look outside the box. Good thing I have been taking the Love and Respect class...hopefully by now I have figured out, at least in a small way, how to speak in the "male" language. I need the psychiatrist on my side. There is no other psychiatrist to turn to. And yet, I sense he is afraid to be aggressive and do what is needed to help Jonathan. Please pray for the Lord to give me gentle words that will make sense to him. Pray that he can let go of the things holding him back from acting in Jon's best interest.

Please pray for me to know when to fight and when not to. When to accept what they say and when to challenge them. Pray for me to be bold and to be able to act upon that gut feeling the Lord gives.

Its been a while since I have written. My silence in part has been due to just waiting. Seems a little odd to be telling the world about a great miracle and following that by sharing the reality of life in the shadow of that miracle. The miracle of a shrinking tumor...truly a miracle. But honestly not quite the miracle it was perceived to be. For some, it was the reigniting of the hope that perhaps this boy who we all love so deeply might be spared from the ravishing of this disease. Even for me, that hope lives on. I believe My God is able to completely heal this precious boy. I know without a doubt that he can. I also know that he may choose not to. And in that I feel spurred on to a deeper hope. One that is accompanied by a peace that passes understanding. A hope in eternity. A hope that holds me steadfast to my Savior by the declaration that says, " Though He may slay me, yet, will I trust him." (Job 13:15)

The real miracle to me the day the doctor handed me the scans and said "I have no explanation" was not that the tumor was shrinking but that the God of the universe would be so merciful to us and would grant us such tender love. He didn't ask me to withhold treatment. He didn't make me have to live in that moment knowing that I might be withholding something that would prolong his life. The Lord simply had asked me to give him back HIS child. He told me to trust Him. And to leave the outcome in his hands. And he surprised me.

The reality, though, is that Jonathan's condition is not really based on what the tumor does or doesn't do. The reality is that his brain has been severely damaged. It doesn't function right. Living with the reality of a broken brain is actually quite tough. For everyone.

Things are changing. The past couple of weeks have taken their toll. Raging has become a daily if not many times a day event. Jon just can't cope with life. Medication is not working anymore. Everything feels turned upside down. And everything and everyone is stretched to a breaking point.

Maybe he is just sick and its throwing him off. Maybe he just needs some good antibiotics and he will calm back down. But maybe this is becoming a new normal. Maybe this is a sign that something else is wrong. I don't know.

What I do know is that whatever it is, it has caused us to once again look into the unknown and prepare for what could be coming. For me, it is the knowledge that I can not control what is happening. Knowing that once I make that phone call for help, I am no longer in control. Knowing that in the near future I may be faced with letting go of Jon so he can get help kills me. Its not normal. Its not ok. But it is how it is. And I know that God is in control.

1 Samuel 30:6 tells us how David was greatly distressed but he strengthened himself in the Lord. These past couple of weeks have carried circumstances that have brought me to a point of being greatly distressed. For a short while I had forgotten how to strengthen myself in the Lord. So I found myself wallowing in the pain and lost my focus on the Lord. I am quickly learning there is no way to survive crisis upon crisis without being built up and strengthened in the Lord. So tonight the Lord is showing me so many things. Speaking to my heart, singing his gracious love over me, and wrapping me in his arms that are more than able to carry me through whatever threatening to destroy me.

Here is another little nugget that ministered to me tonight from Max Lucado's book...

" For some of you, the journey has been long. Very long and stormy. Some of you have shouldered burdens that few of us could ever carry. And you are tired. Its hard for you to see the city in the midst of the storms.The desire to pull over to the side of the road and get out entices you. You want to go on, but some days the road seems so long. God never said that the journey would be easy, but he did say that the arrival would be worthwhile. Remember this: God may not do what you want, but he will do what is right...and best. He's the Father of forward motion. Trust him. He will get you home. And the trials of the trip will be lost in the joys of the feast. Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith. Hebrews 12:1-2

I am reading a short little book with a collection of paragraphs from Max Lucado's books. It is like a flood water of encouragement for my thirsty soul. I wanted to share this one particular thought that really ministered to my heart.

"God views your life the way you view a movie after you have read the book. When something bad happens, you feel the air sucked out of the theater. Everyone else gasps at the crisis on the screen. Not you. Why? You've read the book. You know how the good guy gets out of the tight spot. God views your life with the same confidence. He's not only read your story... he wrote it. His perspective is different and his purpose is clear. " Max Lucado Come Thirsty

Hurry Up and Wait

That phrase seems to be the story of my life these past couple of weeks. My personality is one that just doesn't find waiting very easy to do. There has been so much on my heart and its driving me crazy not to be able to do anything about the situations. I have learned a lot about prayer- I know intellectually that it is more powerful than the actual doing. Just have a hard time seeing it as action and being content to wait.

As new life, new vision, and new hope has been rebirthed into my heart and soul- I am ready to go. I am ready to obey. I am ready to move forward. The thing is that the Lord has given me this vision and its so close I can almost touch it. But he has asked me to be patient and to wait.

Seriously, that is the hardest thing to do. As I seek Him each morning and share my heart with Him I feel this conflict of waiting and doing. It is like a silence between here and now and the future. I don't really now what he is doing or going to do. And that drives me crazy! And brings me to tears...I go to Him with begging words- Its not fast enough, I want to go now, how much longer until we get there???

So as I was pouring my heart to Him over this frustration, the Lord led me to today's reading in My Utmost for His Highest. I have to laugh at how real and personal our God is! He never ceases to amaze me! So here is the reading:

Vision and Darkness:

Whenever God gives a vision to a saint, He puts him, as it were, in the shadow of His hand, and the saint's duty is to be still and listen. There is a darkness which comes from excess of light, and then is the time to listen. When God gives a vision and darkness follows, wait. God will make you in accordance with the vision he has given if you will wait his time. Never try and help God fulfill His word.

Read this paragraph this morning in my quiet time and wanted to share it:

" No matter how difficult our struggles or how deep our wounds, they carry with them great lessons. They teach us much about ourselves, life, and God. They enrich us in ways that nothing else can. They give us patience to endure, the maturity to grow, the compassion to reach out to others in need, the courage to survive, the character to transform something terribly hurtful into something positive, and the faith to know that we are not alone. " from The Wounded Woman by Dr. Steve Stephens and Pam Vredevelt

"Pain nourishes courage. You can't be brave if you've only had wonderful things happen to you." Mary Tyler Moore

I hope to write more soon...there has been a lot on my mind lately. Lots that has been left unsaid especially pertaining to Jonathan. Just trying to process what the Lord is telling me.

An update from Haiti

Please continue to pray for these dear friends as they minister to the hurting people of Haiti. If you feel led to give, please consider giving to their ministry.

From Debbie Lucien:

January 17th Haiti Earthquake Update
Today is a day we are beginning to see more and more miracles and survivor stories. We are seeing more people who have been able to leave Port au Prince and make it here to the provinces. One young man is named Dieufort (literally “God is strong”). He grew up in our community and was the first in his family to finish high school through our ministry child sponsorship program. His sponsor had also wanted to help him finish college so he was in Port au Prince enrolling last week in a computer science program. Last night he told me his uncle’s house where he was staying had been destroyed and he had bit hit on the head. Over the past 4 days he made his way back here. As we sat by the candlelight in my house last night eating a meal of boiled plantain together, he shared with us all the horrors he had seen and experienced. Yet this morning, I saw him limping up the hill, returning to his work as a Sunday school teacher to help encourage the children.
Imagine the weeping and praises as we gathered in church this morning to worship God. One family, that of Pastor Eli Onne, one of the worship leaders, gathered together to sing a song for the church. In tears, they shared how 6 of the young adult children were in Port au Prince to attend school and work and were all living together. Their house was one of the few in their neighborhood not destroyed. Pastor Eli had gone two days after the earthquake to find if they were dead or alive. Today he stood with them all in church thanking God that he wasn’t having six funerals instead.
Following this, my brother-in-law, Jephthe Lucien, asked all those who had come from Port au Prince in the last few days to come forward so we could rejoice that they were alive and also to pray for those still in great need. All of us are beginning to plan for how to care for the increasing number of refugees appearing to see how we help. Immediate needs will be food, clothing, and housing. In the coming days we’ll tell you where to ship gathered supplies.
Caleb has been in Cap Haitien (Haiti’s second largest city) in the north coordinating relief supplies coming in. He’s had 4-5 flights each day of supplies headed different directions as he’s coordinating with Dr. Claude Surena, Haiti’s designated coordinator of relief. (Yeah for those Rotary contacts!)
Besides staying busy with that, Caleb has been distributing practical help on the ground as he finds it. As he delivered medical supplies to Hopital Justien in Cap Haitien he noticed the physicians and staff appeared exhausted and asked when was the last time they’d eaten? The medical director replied they hadn’t had the opportunity to stop. Thus Caleb headed to LaKay Restaurant where they prepare good food relatively quickly and purchased 50 meals for all the staff. When he came back with the food, the staff could hardly believe it and were very appreciative. He left funds with the restaurant which will continue to deliver for the next two days. The owner said he’ll pick up after that for a day or two and then see who else can help. It’s a small thing perhaps, but important none the less.
The mayors of Cap Haitien had sent school buses to pick up as many as possible to relocate survivors to the city here in the north. Caleb found out about it and spent $1,500 so the travelers could find a meal as they disembarked. Again, perhaps a small thing, but a practical need for those who haven’t eaten in several days.
We want you to know the resources you are sending us are being distributed quickly and as wisely as possible. Opportunities for medical volunteers and later for construction will open up but we need to plan wisely. Dr. Surena is already coordinating with those hospitals still standing around the country as to which locations need what help. We want to make sure we send people to where they can be utilized. We will keep you posted.
One last image to make you smile. This is the photo of two children (Shashu & Kiki) who arrived in Pignon yesterday. They told me that they were playing on their porch when the whole house started shaking. “Everything in the house fell to the ground!”
They spent the next three days and nights on the street. Their parents sent them to our community for safety. Their mother is a lab technician who is staying behind to help for now. These are just some of the stories and images around us. Thanks for continuing to pray!
We are humbled and grateful to see gifts coming in to help. It is getting exciting to see how we can move forward more and more and plan how to serve those around us!
Debbie Lucien for all
www.hosean.org

Years ago, my sister and I went on a mission trip to Haiti. The missionaries we lived and ministered with are still there today. The town that they live in was not affected by the earthquake. But they have immediately begun reaching out to the Haitian people in the affected areas. I am excited about the opportunity to help them in this effort because I know that they will be offering the hurting people more than the urgent help, they will be offering them the Living Water. I just wanted to pass along this link to their ministry website and the following letter from Debbie Lucien, my missionary friend in Haiti, just in case any of you might feel led to send funds to help them out.

www.hosean.org

Letter from Debbie (her husband Caleb went immediately to Port-Au- Prince to assist in evacuation and rescue efforts) :

We are okay.
I just heard from Caleb. He arrived in Port au Prince and said the conditions are indescribeable.
Just to give you ideas, estimates on loss of life right now are approaching 250,000-half a million.
He says bodies of 20-30 people are piled up and noone is even stopping to pick them up because there is no where to take them.
It is horrible.
Last night he slept in his car and is trying to bring back some people here today. We have a group of Americans here right now and are trying to decide how to get them out. There are no commercial flights in and out of Haiti, the only way in is through the DR for anyone other than military aid workers.
8 hours ago · Comment · Like · See Wall-to-Wall

What we are doing: 1. Caleb is arriving back here today with some evacuees. 2. We are preparing to house as many as we can (now I know why God gave me such a BIG new house-smile) 3. We can house us to several thousand here, we are preparing by getting drinking water ready,e tc. We need funding to buy sleeping pads and food for them. There is a water filtration system in town which will provide water. The local hospital here is already receiving injured from the capital. Those who can walk or travel are coming here. We are planning at present to put evacuees at the camp, at the school, wherever we can find place. 4. Please continue to pray for wisdom and strength for Caleb 4.5- Jephthe left this morning to help with evacuations and meet Caleb. 5. We are fine! 6. Some cell phone service started working again today, although it is intermittent. Pray for calm as people begin to hear who has died. It is very disheartening. 7. Pray we can continue to be a light. The Christians here know we have survived to be here for such a time as this. WE love you guys. Please pass the message along and continue to pray for all of us. Debbie

The Incredible MRI Results!!!

If you follow me on facebook you have already heard the news. But for those of you who aren't on there...Jon's latest MRI results show significant shrinkage. I hope to write soon and in more detail regarding all that has transpired over the past few days. Needless to say we are all quite shocked and thanking God for all that he does.

As you can tell the picture on top shows a smaller tumor. The tumor is the white circle in the middle.

From Come Away My Beloved Devotional:

Resignation

Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.

Matthew 6:33

Resign all into My hands - your loved ones as well as your own self. Be obedient to the still small voice. Your own imagination may speak more loudly, but wait upon Me always. You will always see the wisdom of this in due time.

Random Thoughts for Today

This is just a collection of thoughts that I had this morning that I don't want to loose...and wanted to share in case it encourages someone else as well.

1. From the book, " The Wounded Woman" by Dr. Steve Stephens and Pam Vredevelt in the chapter titled Good Grief it says,

" God is the One who knows all the details and is best equipped to lead you along this foreign path into brighter new beginnings. Self- Reliance will mislead you. God won't. He makes this promise:

" I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. There are the things I will do; I will not forsake them. " Isaiah 42:16

Your pain is not a problem. It is a solution. The grief you have experienced- or still endure- is a driving force. The emotional energy generated by that grief is what will press you to examine yourself, your worldview, and your beliefs in God, and eventually enable you to change, adapt, grow, and move through the valley of the shadows and out the other side, back into the sunlight.

Grief isn't the road to healing. Grief is the road of healing. And it is familiar territory for Jesus.

He is fully aware of your heartache and knows the way through your suffering. The operative word is through. You won't feel desperate forever. You have God's guarantee on this: I will restore you to health and heal your wounds declares the Lord. (Jeremiah 30:17)

Desperation is productive if it drives us to God. It presents us with opportunities to watch God display His grace and power. It gives us a chance to just stand back a little and witness God doing what man can not do. It allows us to experience God becoming whatever we need Him to be as He escorts us along the path of healing. We come to know Him as our God of Comfort. Our Strength. Our Shield. Our Security. Our Safe Place. Our Peace."

2. From Come Away My Beloved by Frances Roberts:

"Tarry not for an opportunity to have more time to be alone with me. Take it though you leave tasks at hand. Nothing will suffer. Things are of less importance than you think.

I love you, and if you can always, as it were, feel my pulse beat, you will receive insight that will give you sustaining strength. I bore your sins and I wish to carry your burdens. Lay your head upon my breast and lose yourself in me."

This devotional meant so much to me this morning. Truly, it has been in my Savior's arms with my head upon his chest that he has given me strength and images that have imparted peace to my aching heart. Even now, he tenderly loves me and ministers to me in that quiet time alone with him....how did I ever make it through the day without this special time without him?

3. From " Streams in the Desert"- My favorite devotional of all time!

Remind God of his exclusive responsibility- There is no one like you to help! (2 Chronicles 14:11. Abraham believed God (Romans 4:3) and said to his eyes, "stand back!", To laws of

nature, " Hold your peace!" and to an unbelieving heart, " Silence, you lying tempter!" He

simply believed God.

4. The Lord is with me like a mighty warrior. Jeremiah 20:11

And lastly, songs that really ministered to me this morning.

Revelation by Third Day

Love Heals Your Heart by Third Day

He Is by Mark Schultz

One Heartbeat at a Time by Steven Curtis Chapman

Courageously Standing on the Edge

The new year has found me standing precariously on the edge of the unknown. There is no way back. Wild emotions rage around me. Fear, pain, tears, and anger join the brewing storm as it threatens to engulf me. No matter what direction I look there are dark, ominous clouds. Even going forward promises to meet with strong wind, pounding rain and countless heartache.

Forward is the only option. Backwards just can't be done. I have tried. I have grown weary trying to retrace my steps. My heart has twisted in agony as I entertained the thoughts of what if I had gone a different path, what if I had not chosen this journey at all. I can't change what has happened. I can't change what will happen. I can only press on through the storm to find the one who waits for me at the end.

Truth is that he is not only waiting for me at the end. He is walking beside me, cheering me on. He is leading me through the treacherous path because he has walked this way before and has prepared the place where my feet will pass. And on those days when fear overwhelms, exhaustion sets in, and the tears are blinding He lifts me up into his strong arms and cradling me to his chest carries me on to the other side.

That is where I have spent the past three days. Clinging to the one who holds me close to his heart. In the arms of the only one who can shelter my bruised heart from the raging storm. Only here in his arms, resting my head on his shoulder like a trusting infant can I hear the truth he so gently whispers to my heart. Of course there have been numerous times in the past couple of days when I climbed out of the safety of those arms and felt the sting of the storm as it left me disillusioned and angry at my Lord. Lashing out at him in anger, screaming the painful lies that have held me in bondage- kept me from those loving arms.

What a gentle lover the Lord is. Able to see beyond the bitter words, he speaks into my broken, crushed heart and calls me to come. He holds me while I fight against him, holds me when I finally break, holds me while the tears fall. He holds me. In the end that is all that really matters. No matter the intensity of the storm, no matter the pain, no matter how many tears fall- none of it can stop the Savior from holding me.

I really don't know what this new year holds. New Years Eve brought a little glimpse of what might be in store. Jonathan's brain is just not working the way it should be. We will find out in a couple of days if the tumor has begun to grow or not. Regardless of the outcome, the reality is that his brain is just not going to get better. For the first time on New Year's Eve, a doctor gave me permission to choose what makes Jonathan happy and comfortable and not necessarily what will "fix" him. After a week of taking temps, documenting every weird symptom, I was encouraged to instead watch my child...is he happy, is he coloring and able to do what he likes?

Then stay home and let him be happy and comfortable. So after much prayer and thought, my focus is changing from fighting to keep Jon alive to fighting to give him a life fully lived.

This of course has brought on so many thoughts...

First, my desire is to make this year a new adventure. To live each day fully and intentionally. Jon may have years left with us...but living like today could be the last will not be something I will regret should he surprise us all. There are so many things to experience together as a family. So much to be learned and explored. I don't want to get caught up in the stupid things that distract us from what is most important.

That thought led me into another important thing that the Lord reminded me of on Friday as I scoured my old journals to be reminded of the ways the Lord has worked in my life. I was reminded that as we follow the Lord he may ask us to do things that don't make sense to others and that others may totally oppose what we are doing. We have to know fully what the Lord has spoken to us and not let go of that no matter what.

I found this in my journal from September 4, 1993 and it is an excerpt from a book written by perhaps my most favorite person of all time: Amy Carmichael (from the book or writing entitled " One Step at a Time" )

You and I maybe called again and again to walk right into our own "rivers". Whatever they may be- to wet our feet in them. We may be called to do what nobody understands except those to whom the word of guidance is given- and with it his promise too. But understand this: The word must come first and also his promise. You and I must be sure of what we are called to do with an inward conviction that absolutely nothing can shake. In my own case, again and again, I have had to wet my feet in the water... only God and those who have walked in that path know how hard that kind of faith life can be. But He does know. And when the people around us don't hear the words and and the voice that we have heard, and only say, " It thunders..." then he comes near and we know him as we never knew him before....If only the next step is clear, then the one thing to do it take it! Don't pledge your Lord or yourself to any steps beyond what you know. You don't see them yet.

There are somethings on my heart that don't make sense to others...even those closest to me. But I will choose to cling to what I know the Lord has spoken to my heart. A dear friend reminded me of this the other night. He spoke of putting up my shield of faith when those thoughts of doubt, guilt, condemnation come. I find it quite funny that the very next day after he said that I found an outline to a bible study I taught about the shield of faith.

Here is a glimpse into this study...

Roman Shields were 2 feet by 4 feet and a soldier could hide completely behind it. It was made of wood and then covered with cloth and leather. It was then dipped in water to extinguish fiery darts. ( Metaphorically, the word of God is the water that our hearts and minds are bathed in to distinguish the darts)

The shield protects us from fiery darts. Darts are often thrown when things are great and we are not relying on the Lord. Some of these darts are:

Fear- allowing it to linger causes it to spread and destroy out faith

Doubt- about God, questioning our faith, about other people and ourselves

Words- attacking our will, our mind, our heart, and our conscience

Confusion

When properly used and in place- the shield will protect us from all darts.

This is my favorite part of the shield- they were designed to lock together with those shield's of other soldiers. Together the shields would create a barrier wall and great strength. Sometimes we are wounded in battle and forget to take shelter under the shield of faith. How great that the Lord has given us other people to stand beside us, lock their shields with us, and stay with us until we are able to stand again.

So I am choosing to hide behind my shield of faith, allowing it to distinguish the darts flying fiercely toward me right now.

I know this is a random collection of thoughts and if you are still reading I am quite impressed!!! I just didn't want to loose any of the memorial stones the Lord is giving me right now as this journey begins.

I have the feeling that this is the first of many post to come in the next couple of days. True to the tradition of looking back over the past year and looking forward to the new year, my mind is busy recalling moments from the past. I am choosing though to look back and see the moments where the Lord met me and offered his promises and hope.

A couple of days ago, a special friend of mine forwarded me an email that I wrote to her in 1998! I can't believe she still had it!!!! What was even more incredible is how the Lord ministered to me through the words he gave me that many years ago. I am amazed at how alive and near the Lord is to our hearts and lives. He truly is a personal and real God who longs to have an intimate place in our lives.

I hope this will encourage and bless you as well.

(Based on Psalm 121)  I am convinced that thousands of years ago, when the Lord inspired  David to write this psalm, that he saw across the pages of time and  saw me. He saw the tears that fell tonight as I laid in bed. He felt  the ache that I felt inside. A hurt so deep that only he could know  it. He saw my need. And he reached out and met it. God knew all that  this evening would hold and he provided the right lullaby that my  heart and soul needed.          What food these words hold to a hungry and empty soul. What  lessons for this stubborn heart to learn. What comfort for these teary  eyes to behold.           I lift my eyes....where have my eyes been today? Certainly  not lifted.No, my eyes have not been lifted up to behold my Savior,  my King, my Lord. My eyes have not even lifted their gaze to cry out  to him who sees all. My eyes have been on me and the world around me.  My eyes have sought out one other than Jesus to hold and comfort me.  Another one to be my help. My eyes have searched to find a way to do  it myself, to make things right in my own strength. My eyes have laid  downcast for days because they have failed to look in the right direction.           Where does my help come from? My mind knows where its  supposed to come from, but does my heart? Its learning. How awesome  that God didn't label the kind of help he provides. This help is for  all situations and all times. Oh that my heart would learn this  precious truth and really ask where does my help come from. Does help  come from man? No, he fails and is weak. He cannot conquer all. He can not even be trusted  or counted upon. Does  my help come from within? From some inner strength? No, there is no  strength in me. I cannot help me. If I could then I would not need  help, would I ?          My help comes from the only one able to give it. Jesus, my  helper. He is able to stand when all else falls. He is able to hold  me up when I'm crushed and faltering. He is able and has conquered  sin and death. He is able to love forever and unconditionally. He is  able to do what none other can do. He is able to be there at any  minute day or night with his ears and eyes wide open. And he wants to help. He longs for me to run into his arms and  find shelter from the raging storm. He yearns to be able to wrap his  arms around me and comfort my aching heart. He is able.             How do I know he is able? Because he made the heavens and  the earth. If he can do all that with just one word from his mouth  then isn't he big enough to take care of me? He's even better than a  big brother ....He's the daddy there to protect and nurture his children. '             He will not allow my foot to be moved. Wow! What  encouragement. Today I'm struggling. Life seems like one great big  mountain and I'm at the bottom. There seems to be no way up and I  want to give up before I even start. I feel as though I've walked a  million miles. I'm feeling unsteady, ready to fall. Ready to find a  new path. But my Lord, my helper, has promised to not let me fall. He has promised to bring me all the way. He has  promised to keep me on the path. My foot will not collapse, nor will  it wander from the chosen trail. Why? God will hold me fast. He has  promised and he keeps his promise.                He does not sleep. My God is awake twenty four hours a  day. He never goes on break. Tonight this is probably the greatest  comfort of all to me. Because tonight my whole world sleeps. And I  feel alone. Man tries. They try to stay awake but they are human and  tired. Their eyes are heavy. So I cry alone. A hurt inside I don't  understand. A burden so heavy to bear on my own and no one to help carry the load. Alone until a small still whisper  hits my ears. " I am awake." My Jesus is awake. He is ready to listen  and will not fall asleep in the middle of the sentence. He will not  nod off as the tears still stream down my face. He will hold me until  the pain subsides. He has promised to never sleep. I know no other friend who can make this promise.            The Lord is my keeper. He guards my life with tender  loving care. Nothing touches me that hasn't already touched him. You  see it has to go through his body to get to mine. He feels every  pain, he sheds tears along with me, he has been through it all even  worse things than I. Why then if he feels and knows all I go through, why does he allow it to  touch me? Why does he allow death to shatter my life? Why does he allow pain to break my  heart? Why does he allow confusion to enter the scene? Because he  sees something I don't. He sees eternity. He sees what all of these  things will produce. He knows what I need in order to become more like him.          He shall prserve my soul. My Jesus will hold me and keep me  until the day he presents me to the Father. No one and nothing can  seperate me from him. I will never be lost.... God has promised. He  will keep me from wandering. His spirit will always draw me back home.           He shall watch over my going out and coming in. Just as he  was here tonight, he will be here tomorrow....... 

9 words that changed my life by Jon @ SCL

I read this today on a blog that I follow. It is huge!!! I am still trying to digest it and let the truth soak in. I can't wait to see what God will do in my heart as the truth invades and becomes reality.

9 words that changed my life by Jon @ SCL

Post by Jon at Stuff Christians Like

Sometimes, hope hurts.

It shouldn’t. The phrase, “hope hurts” should be an oxymoron like “Lady Gaga gospel album.” But I promise you, it’s not.

Sometimes when you’re so deep in a season of hurt, you get used to the bad. You start to think you deserve it. You start to expect it and get comfortable with it and get numb to it. And like a creature that lives so far down on the bottom of the sea, you adapt to it. You cobble together little survival mechanisms that help you get through. You get by.

But hope is tenacious …

Even in the darkest of my days, when I’d journal about suicide and despair, a fragment of hope still bounced about softly in the dryer of my head. (When you’re married with kids and have lots of laundry to do, 42% of your metaphors and analogies become housework flavored.)

There was a problem though, there was a painful obstacle between me and hope. You see, I was so far down the path of hopelessness, I was so lost and selfish and bent on destruction that I found myself in a terrible lose-lose situation. For example: If my wife was kind to me, I felt hurt because she didn’t know how hurtful I was secretly being to her with porn and a cadre of lies that would have killed her. If my wife was mean to me, I felt hurt because she had been mean to me. Any way I turned, simply resulted in more grossness.

And that is one of sin’s goals. Not simply to remove the good from your life, but to have it actually serve as a weapon of mass destruction.

Have you ever felt that way?

Have you ever felt completely unworthy when someone offers you love?

Have you ever been ashamed of the lies you’re living when someone offers you truth?

Have you ever felt undeserving of something good, because deep down, you believed that person wouldn’t really love you if they knew who you were?

It’s very possible that I’m the only one, and that’s OK. But I do need to tell you about the 9 words in the Bible that changed the way hope felt for me.

I’ve written about this before, but I’m a big fan of “edge verses.” I’m a big fan of looking on the periphery of a scene in the Bible and seeing all the deep truth that often gets hidden amidst a major scene. And in Luke 22 that certainly happens.

Jesus is on the threshold of getting crucified. He has the last supper with his disciples. He is sharing his thoughts on the father and the concept of serving and ruling. There is a sense of great importance heavy in the air. In the middle of that, he has a short conversation with Simon about how he is going to betray him.

It’s going to happen. Jesus knows this, but he wishes it wasn’t. He says to Simon in Luke 22:31-32:

Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail.

And then, in 9 words, he explains a big part of the reason I thought a mess-up like me could be a Christian.

Jesus tells Simon:

“And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.”

That’s it, those are 9 really simple words, but they demand a second look.

Do you see what Jesus is saying in that first half of the sentence, And when you have turned back? He’s saying:

And when you fail.

And when you sin.

And when you blow it and sell me out like a common thief.

And when you literally and physically turn your back on me.

And when you ruin it all.

When you turn back.

That concept is part of why our God is so different than everything we expect. We can turn back. There’s a return. There’s a comeback. There’s a loss and a brokenness and a state of falling, but you can turn back. That door is open. When I read the phrase “And when you have turned back,” I read a loud, wild picture of what grace really looks like.

Then you get to the part that is so easy to miss, the comma. Thank God for the comma, because that’s not how I would have written that sentence.

Mine would have looked more like:

“And when you have turned back, repent for three years before you try to get within a mile of my holiness.”

“And when you have turned back, don’t think for a second you’re qualified to tell other people about me.”

“And when you have turned back, here’s a long list of works you’ll need to do in order to clean yourself of the mistakes you’ve made and the consequences you’ve earned.”

But Christ doesn’t do that! He throws in a comma. He continues the sentence and simply says, “strengthen your brothers.”

Four years ago I ruined my life, but you know what?

God gave me the gift of the comma.

And that’s why I write Stuff Christians Like.

I have turned back. Not once, not twice, but a million times. And now it’s time to strengthen my brothers.

I don’t know what you’ll get this Christmas for a present, but please know this, God wants to give you the comma. He wants to give you grace. He wants you to know that when you have turned back, you can still strengthen your brothers.

It’s time to accept the comma of grace.

___________________________

I have been praying for a way to help my friends in their adoption journey. Recently, I have really felt my faith challenged as I read stories of others who have trusted for the Lord to provide and through crazy circumstances money flooded in. One particular story was huge....over $20,000 raised in 2 weeks. How incredible is that!!!

So I have been asking the Lord what I can do. The first thought that came to mind was to use my photography. Honestly, I have struggled with even presenting this idea. I am not a professional photographer in the sense that I have been trained in the art and skill of photography. I just love taking pictures and I love giving people images that are better than Walmart quality. I just hate charging people a fee for this gift! Those of you who know me know how much I would just give everything away!!!!

Recently, I have been blessed with the opportunity to do portraits for several friends and families. It was such a fun experience. And since others are asking me to do photo shoots for them I feel as though this could maybe the answer to my prayer. I am offering photo shoots at your location of choice (within the Colorado Springs and outlying area) for a minimum donation of $25 through the end of January. The entire donation will be sent to my friends, The Little Family, towards their adoption costs. In return for your generosity, I will give you a cd of edited and ready to print images. Usually there are at least 30-50 images per sitting.

For more information about the Little family and their adoption journey visit here

Could you spare just five dollars?

Your five dollars added to my five dollars added to another's five dollars could mean that a little child would finally be in a forever family. My special friends have begun the process of adopting another precious waiting child from China. Many of the kids helped by Love Without Boundaries are special needs children. My friends have a heart to welcome these special children into their home! Please visit their website below for more information. They are having a drawing for a $250 Best Buy card...I hope you will consider a small donation towards making a huge difference in one child's life.

Click Here to visit their website.

Tonight I was struggling to maintain a positive spirit. Songs have been used by the Lord to really minister to my heart and turn my thoughts back to him. So I sat down and began to listen to the many songs that would lift my spirit. I thought it would be fun to go through and find songs that would tell the story of my life. It was a neat experience and really helped keep the night from going south. What a good reminder to see how the Lord has been a part of every thing that has happened in my life. None of these videos, with the exception of He's My Son, are mine (neither are the songs). Just borrowed from youtube.

1. Jesus Loves Me

At the age five I found out this simple truth and gave my heart to Jesus.

2. He Won't Let You Go

At age 10, due to some choices my brother made I watched my hero fall from the pedestal I had placed him on. God used the heartbreaking circumstances to draw me into a life changing commitment to be fully surrendered to my Lord. At this moment, I made the choice to follow the Lord no matter what.

3. Tell Me Again

As I was growing up in the Lord, he made sure I was surrounded by those who were faithful to BE Jesus. I will be forever grateful to my youth leaders who invested their time and their hearts in my life. I am convinced that without them I would not be where I am today.

4. Be the One

One of the songs that was an inspiration to me early on...I wanted nothing more than to Be the One the Lord could and would use.

5. For the Sake of the Call

Inspired by Jim and Elizabeth Elliot, I responded to the call on my life to go to the mission field. At 15 I went on my first mission trip to Guatemala. One step on foreign soil was all it took for me to be willing to leave my family and go...my entire high school years were spent overseas as a missionary. What an incredible time of my life!

6. Go Light Your World

The passion of my heart!

7. A Friend Like You

During my trips overseas, I met some of my best friends. Its hard to believe that my best friend and I have remained close over 17 years. What an incredible blessing she is from the Lord. Throughout every season in my life, the Lord has blessed with that special friend who has connected deeply with my heart. I am so blessed.

8. All I Ask of You

The significance of the movie this song comes from is greater than the song itself. Even today this movie reminds me of the time in my life when I fell in love only to realize that this was not the person who God had intended for me. There are days when I wish I could erase this part from my story. But I know that without it I would not be where I am today.

9. Don't Say Goodbye

One of the hardest days of my life was when I, at 16 years old, looked into the eyes of the man I was going to be married to, and hand him back his ring. The Lord had clearly spoken to me that this was not his plan. I had given my this man my heart and in the process had forgotten to keep the Lord first in my heart. Though I was heartbroken, I never regretted my choice to obey the Lord. Shortly after breaking off the engagement, I left the country and returned to the Lover of My Soul.

10. Seize the Day

Refocused and ready to follow the road the Lord had led me to, I left home at 17 and went to Peru as a missionary. After three months there I came home only long enough to go to Haiti with my sister and then pack to return to Peru. What an incredible adventure that time was. Even now my heart is homesick for the Peruvian people. I pray daily that some day the Lord will let me return.

11. Take My Hand and Walk

This song became huge to me in the time that I was returning to Peru. I was struggling with many things. So many things were unsettled in my heart. But this song reminded me of the promise that I just had to take his hand and follow.

12. Hold Me Jesus

Little did I know that while I was hiding away in the Jungle, the Lord was preparing the one who he had chosen for me to marry. My incredible husband was going through a painful time in his life when I met him and this song was a huge part of his healing and coming back to Jesus. Everytime I hear this song I am reminded of the precious beginning of our relationship.

13. Another Man in Her Life

7 weeks after my husband and I started dating I left for Peru. I had made a commitment to be there for 7 months. I felt that my commitment to the Lord could not be changed simply because I had fallen in love. My husband joined me in Peru the last 2 weeks I was there. 8 weeks later we were married. This song was played at our wedding and was a huge part of out marriage.

14. Masterpiece

I became a mother on September 25 1997. I should have known from the beginning that this little boy would have such a huge impact on our world. He was dying when he was born. His lungs were aspirated with 6 holes. I didn't have a name for him because he was supposed to be a girl. But the moment I saw him and saw him fighting for his life, I knew his name. Jonathan, gift from God. A bittersweet reminder that God gives and God takes away. He proved to be one miracle after another...God healed the holes in his lungs within hours and he came home 3 days later. Fourteen months later Brittney was born. 12 months after she arrived Jason arrived. Motherhood and all its ups and downs was in full swing.

15. Let Mercy Lead

Josh joined us in 2002. The weight of the incredible gift and responsibility was heavy upon my heart. How grateful I am that the Lord is able to make good out of our failures as parents. I will do my best to lead them and train them, after that its up to the Lord to capture their hearts.

16. He's My Son

Three months after Joshua was born, great suffering entered my world. Jonathan, the month before he turned 5, was diagnosed with a brain tumor. The Lord surrounded us with special friends and carried us through some very dark days. Its hard to believe that it was seven years ago and we are still walking this path. And still being carried by the strong arms of our Heavenly Father.

17. Praise you in the Storm

So many days and long nights filled with never ending tears can lead to a questioning heart. Why does the Lord allow this trial to stay for so long? Why doesn't he heal my child? This song became a soothing balm to my heart. I choose to praise him in the midst of the storm...not because he removed the storm. Here is where I encounter the God of the Universe in an intimate way only found in pain and suffering.

18. I still believe

The line that I will live and die by. No matter what happens in life, no matter the pain that comes, no matter how easy it would be to walk away... one thing remains...I still believe. The truth about the Lord has not changed and will not change no matter the circumstance.

19. Blessed be your name

My life song. Still I will say...blessed be the name of the Lord.

20. Watch Over Me

Another love song that the Lover of my soul has sung into my heart during the darkest nights. He watches over me and reminds me of his presence.

21. Look What Faith Can Do

This is my new favorite song. I am watching the Lord do great things. He is making miracles out of broken hearts, broken lives, and broken dreams. Nothing is beyond his touch. His ways are not my ways, but I am learning that stepping out in faith has great rewards.

22. I lift my eyes

The older I get in my walk with the Lord, the more I realize that He alone is the source for everything we need. He is truly all that life is all about. The more I fill my life with him, the less I seek to be filled by others and able to give to others unconditionally.

23. Friends Are Friends Forever

This is the greatest blessing in my life right now. The Lord has allowed me to reconnect with these kinds of forever friends. Ones that I never thought I would ever see again much less live life with. I am blessed beyond words.

24. Beautiful Ending

The prayer of my heart is to end well. I don't want this life to be in vain. I want to finish the race set before me with a heart that is truly surrendered to the Lord.