For some time now I have related to the song " Praise you in this storm". It has been my desire to praise God in the midst of whatever storm I find myself in. It has blown me away to watch time and time again how God has faithfully touched my heart with his truth shedding his light on the situation. Even now, in this time when my greatest challenge is learning how to praise him when there is not a storm raging around me, he still speaks.
The past few weeks I have found myself hungry for his voice. I sat in church on Sunday unable to sit still because I felt like my heart was going to burst. So many things I desire to be and do. So many questions about ministry. So many dreams. So many tears of what I can no longer be. So many thoughts about what life would have been if only...yet, somehow in His presence the only thought left is a desire to be with my Jesus. To be one hundred percent his. To not waste a single moment on anything that is not of him. My heart beats like a girl in the presence of her first love. I feel again for a moment what it felt like when I first placed my heart in God's hand and set out on this adventure. Its not a question of how or why any longer but when Lord, when can I go? When can I be? When Lord will all these dreams you placed in my heart come to fruition.
Of course moments later I am shaken from this intimacy by the harshness of reality as everyone screams, demands, or just simply needs me. The weight of financial reality, the chaos this life has created in our daily life, the distance felt between 2 individuals who want so badly to do things God's way but just can't seem to break free, the simple issues that face all of us come crashing in and the still small voice is temporarily lost in the madness. It is still there though...telling me it can be different. His ways are not mine and he has an answer in the madening chaos.
So this is where I have been this past week or so...learning to hear this voice of God in the storm, in the quiet, in the midst of whatever today holds. What the Lord has had to say has not been what I expected. Some of it I would probably would have preferred not to have heard. But the fact remains...he has spoken.
He has met me each time the tears have spilled over and this heart threatened to burst with pain and failure. Each time I felt like I can not breathe. When all I see around me is brokeness and no hope, I hear his gentle voice speak. He tells me He loves me. He is near. He has chosen me. He has a purpose. He delights in me. When the destructive lies flood my thoughts, the Lord has come to my defense and he has protected me with his great love.
He has reminded me that he has a plan and a purpose for my family. All is not lost despite what it may look like on the surface. He will bring fruit out of the storms and trials. He put us together perfectly. I know that in his perfect time he will perfect what he began in us.
He has placed a burning desire to know him. I can't be content any more to just sit back and play church. I can't stay in the back of the group watching from behind...longing to be warm but staying cold. He has invited me to join him at the fire and be warmed by his presence. The more I realize that all God wants from me is for me to be his and to know him, the more I am able to rest in his presence and let him do the work.
He has been at work on my perspective. He is changing me. I know he is. I know he is answering my prayers. One way I know...my children are changing. There is beginning to be a little more peace where there was strife. I am content. I am learning to delight in being a mom. Bed time used to be the worse time of the day for me. I just wanted to send everyone off to bed and be done. Now bedtime is a 2 hour adventure where I spend time with each child reading several chapters in a book together. The interaction has been priceless. The most incredible thing is that I don't dread it and I don't rush through it...God is changing me. I praise him for that.
As a side note...Please be in prayer for Jonathan. His tic has gotten worse. We have decided that we need to eliminate some of his medications. This is very scary for me. He has been so stable for such a long time. Taking away these meds are going to more than likely cause him to spiral downhill emotionally and behaviorally. We realize that this could become more than we can handle. The worst possible scenario is that they would have to hospitalize him until he was stable. This is something that I am laying at the Lord's feet tonight... I can't bear the thought of this...my heart would be just completely broken. This is the part of this cancer stuff that is torture...anyway, please just pray for answers, stability, and healing. Pray for us to be prepared in everyway for what lies ahead.