Hurry Up and Wait

That phrase seems to be the story of my life these past couple of weeks. My personality is one that just doesn't find waiting very easy to do. There has been so much on my heart and its driving me crazy not to be able to do anything about the situations. I have learned a lot about prayer- I know intellectually that it is more powerful than the actual doing. Just have a hard time seeing it as action and being content to wait.

As new life, new vision, and new hope has been rebirthed into my heart and soul- I am ready to go. I am ready to obey. I am ready to move forward. The thing is that the Lord has given me this vision and its so close I can almost touch it. But he has asked me to be patient and to wait.

Seriously, that is the hardest thing to do. As I seek Him each morning and share my heart with Him I feel this conflict of waiting and doing. It is like a silence between here and now and the future. I don't really now what he is doing or going to do. And that drives me crazy! And brings me to tears...I go to Him with begging words- Its not fast enough, I want to go now, how much longer until we get there???

So as I was pouring my heart to Him over this frustration, the Lord led me to today's reading in My Utmost for His Highest. I have to laugh at how real and personal our God is! He never ceases to amaze me! So here is the reading:

Vision and Darkness:

Whenever God gives a vision to a saint, He puts him, as it were, in the shadow of His hand, and the saint's duty is to be still and listen. There is a darkness which comes from excess of light, and then is the time to listen. When God gives a vision and darkness follows, wait. God will make you in accordance with the vision he has given if you will wait his time. Never try and help God fulfill His word.

Read this paragraph this morning in my quiet time and wanted to share it:

" No matter how difficult our struggles or how deep our wounds, they carry with them great lessons. They teach us much about ourselves, life, and God. They enrich us in ways that nothing else can. They give us patience to endure, the maturity to grow, the compassion to reach out to others in need, the courage to survive, the character to transform something terribly hurtful into something positive, and the faith to know that we are not alone. " from The Wounded Woman by Dr. Steve Stephens and Pam Vredevelt

"Pain nourishes courage. You can't be brave if you've only had wonderful things happen to you." Mary Tyler Moore

I hope to write more soon...there has been a lot on my mind lately. Lots that has been left unsaid especially pertaining to Jonathan. Just trying to process what the Lord is telling me.

An update from Haiti

Please continue to pray for these dear friends as they minister to the hurting people of Haiti. If you feel led to give, please consider giving to their ministry.

From Debbie Lucien:

January 17th Haiti Earthquake Update
Today is a day we are beginning to see more and more miracles and survivor stories. We are seeing more people who have been able to leave Port au Prince and make it here to the provinces. One young man is named Dieufort (literally “God is strong”). He grew up in our community and was the first in his family to finish high school through our ministry child sponsorship program. His sponsor had also wanted to help him finish college so he was in Port au Prince enrolling last week in a computer science program. Last night he told me his uncle’s house where he was staying had been destroyed and he had bit hit on the head. Over the past 4 days he made his way back here. As we sat by the candlelight in my house last night eating a meal of boiled plantain together, he shared with us all the horrors he had seen and experienced. Yet this morning, I saw him limping up the hill, returning to his work as a Sunday school teacher to help encourage the children.
Imagine the weeping and praises as we gathered in church this morning to worship God. One family, that of Pastor Eli Onne, one of the worship leaders, gathered together to sing a song for the church. In tears, they shared how 6 of the young adult children were in Port au Prince to attend school and work and were all living together. Their house was one of the few in their neighborhood not destroyed. Pastor Eli had gone two days after the earthquake to find if they were dead or alive. Today he stood with them all in church thanking God that he wasn’t having six funerals instead.
Following this, my brother-in-law, Jephthe Lucien, asked all those who had come from Port au Prince in the last few days to come forward so we could rejoice that they were alive and also to pray for those still in great need. All of us are beginning to plan for how to care for the increasing number of refugees appearing to see how we help. Immediate needs will be food, clothing, and housing. In the coming days we’ll tell you where to ship gathered supplies.
Caleb has been in Cap Haitien (Haiti’s second largest city) in the north coordinating relief supplies coming in. He’s had 4-5 flights each day of supplies headed different directions as he’s coordinating with Dr. Claude Surena, Haiti’s designated coordinator of relief. (Yeah for those Rotary contacts!)
Besides staying busy with that, Caleb has been distributing practical help on the ground as he finds it. As he delivered medical supplies to Hopital Justien in Cap Haitien he noticed the physicians and staff appeared exhausted and asked when was the last time they’d eaten? The medical director replied they hadn’t had the opportunity to stop. Thus Caleb headed to LaKay Restaurant where they prepare good food relatively quickly and purchased 50 meals for all the staff. When he came back with the food, the staff could hardly believe it and were very appreciative. He left funds with the restaurant which will continue to deliver for the next two days. The owner said he’ll pick up after that for a day or two and then see who else can help. It’s a small thing perhaps, but important none the less.
The mayors of Cap Haitien had sent school buses to pick up as many as possible to relocate survivors to the city here in the north. Caleb found out about it and spent $1,500 so the travelers could find a meal as they disembarked. Again, perhaps a small thing, but a practical need for those who haven’t eaten in several days.
We want you to know the resources you are sending us are being distributed quickly and as wisely as possible. Opportunities for medical volunteers and later for construction will open up but we need to plan wisely. Dr. Surena is already coordinating with those hospitals still standing around the country as to which locations need what help. We want to make sure we send people to where they can be utilized. We will keep you posted.
One last image to make you smile. This is the photo of two children (Shashu & Kiki) who arrived in Pignon yesterday. They told me that they were playing on their porch when the whole house started shaking. “Everything in the house fell to the ground!”
They spent the next three days and nights on the street. Their parents sent them to our community for safety. Their mother is a lab technician who is staying behind to help for now. These are just some of the stories and images around us. Thanks for continuing to pray!
We are humbled and grateful to see gifts coming in to help. It is getting exciting to see how we can move forward more and more and plan how to serve those around us!
Debbie Lucien for all
www.hosean.org

Years ago, my sister and I went on a mission trip to Haiti. The missionaries we lived and ministered with are still there today. The town that they live in was not affected by the earthquake. But they have immediately begun reaching out to the Haitian people in the affected areas. I am excited about the opportunity to help them in this effort because I know that they will be offering the hurting people more than the urgent help, they will be offering them the Living Water. I just wanted to pass along this link to their ministry website and the following letter from Debbie Lucien, my missionary friend in Haiti, just in case any of you might feel led to send funds to help them out.

www.hosean.org

Letter from Debbie (her husband Caleb went immediately to Port-Au- Prince to assist in evacuation and rescue efforts) :

We are okay.
I just heard from Caleb. He arrived in Port au Prince and said the conditions are indescribeable.
Just to give you ideas, estimates on loss of life right now are approaching 250,000-half a million.
He says bodies of 20-30 people are piled up and noone is even stopping to pick them up because there is no where to take them.
It is horrible.
Last night he slept in his car and is trying to bring back some people here today. We have a group of Americans here right now and are trying to decide how to get them out. There are no commercial flights in and out of Haiti, the only way in is through the DR for anyone other than military aid workers.
8 hours ago · Comment · Like · See Wall-to-Wall

What we are doing: 1. Caleb is arriving back here today with some evacuees. 2. We are preparing to house as many as we can (now I know why God gave me such a BIG new house-smile) 3. We can house us to several thousand here, we are preparing by getting drinking water ready,e tc. We need funding to buy sleeping pads and food for them. There is a water filtration system in town which will provide water. The local hospital here is already receiving injured from the capital. Those who can walk or travel are coming here. We are planning at present to put evacuees at the camp, at the school, wherever we can find place. 4. Please continue to pray for wisdom and strength for Caleb 4.5- Jephthe left this morning to help with evacuations and meet Caleb. 5. We are fine! 6. Some cell phone service started working again today, although it is intermittent. Pray for calm as people begin to hear who has died. It is very disheartening. 7. Pray we can continue to be a light. The Christians here know we have survived to be here for such a time as this. WE love you guys. Please pass the message along and continue to pray for all of us. Debbie

The Incredible MRI Results!!!

If you follow me on facebook you have already heard the news. But for those of you who aren't on there...Jon's latest MRI results show significant shrinkage. I hope to write soon and in more detail regarding all that has transpired over the past few days. Needless to say we are all quite shocked and thanking God for all that he does.

As you can tell the picture on top shows a smaller tumor. The tumor is the white circle in the middle.

From Come Away My Beloved Devotional:

Resignation

Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.

Matthew 6:33

Resign all into My hands - your loved ones as well as your own self. Be obedient to the still small voice. Your own imagination may speak more loudly, but wait upon Me always. You will always see the wisdom of this in due time.

Random Thoughts for Today

This is just a collection of thoughts that I had this morning that I don't want to loose...and wanted to share in case it encourages someone else as well.

1. From the book, " The Wounded Woman" by Dr. Steve Stephens and Pam Vredevelt in the chapter titled Good Grief it says,

" God is the One who knows all the details and is best equipped to lead you along this foreign path into brighter new beginnings. Self- Reliance will mislead you. God won't. He makes this promise:

" I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. There are the things I will do; I will not forsake them. " Isaiah 42:16

Your pain is not a problem. It is a solution. The grief you have experienced- or still endure- is a driving force. The emotional energy generated by that grief is what will press you to examine yourself, your worldview, and your beliefs in God, and eventually enable you to change, adapt, grow, and move through the valley of the shadows and out the other side, back into the sunlight.

Grief isn't the road to healing. Grief is the road of healing. And it is familiar territory for Jesus.

He is fully aware of your heartache and knows the way through your suffering. The operative word is through. You won't feel desperate forever. You have God's guarantee on this: I will restore you to health and heal your wounds declares the Lord. (Jeremiah 30:17)

Desperation is productive if it drives us to God. It presents us with opportunities to watch God display His grace and power. It gives us a chance to just stand back a little and witness God doing what man can not do. It allows us to experience God becoming whatever we need Him to be as He escorts us along the path of healing. We come to know Him as our God of Comfort. Our Strength. Our Shield. Our Security. Our Safe Place. Our Peace."

2. From Come Away My Beloved by Frances Roberts:

"Tarry not for an opportunity to have more time to be alone with me. Take it though you leave tasks at hand. Nothing will suffer. Things are of less importance than you think.

I love you, and if you can always, as it were, feel my pulse beat, you will receive insight that will give you sustaining strength. I bore your sins and I wish to carry your burdens. Lay your head upon my breast and lose yourself in me."

This devotional meant so much to me this morning. Truly, it has been in my Savior's arms with my head upon his chest that he has given me strength and images that have imparted peace to my aching heart. Even now, he tenderly loves me and ministers to me in that quiet time alone with him....how did I ever make it through the day without this special time without him?

3. From " Streams in the Desert"- My favorite devotional of all time!

Remind God of his exclusive responsibility- There is no one like you to help! (2 Chronicles 14:11. Abraham believed God (Romans 4:3) and said to his eyes, "stand back!", To laws of

nature, " Hold your peace!" and to an unbelieving heart, " Silence, you lying tempter!" He

simply believed God.

4. The Lord is with me like a mighty warrior. Jeremiah 20:11

And lastly, songs that really ministered to me this morning.

Revelation by Third Day

Love Heals Your Heart by Third Day

He Is by Mark Schultz

One Heartbeat at a Time by Steven Curtis Chapman

Courageously Standing on the Edge

The new year has found me standing precariously on the edge of the unknown. There is no way back. Wild emotions rage around me. Fear, pain, tears, and anger join the brewing storm as it threatens to engulf me. No matter what direction I look there are dark, ominous clouds. Even going forward promises to meet with strong wind, pounding rain and countless heartache.

Forward is the only option. Backwards just can't be done. I have tried. I have grown weary trying to retrace my steps. My heart has twisted in agony as I entertained the thoughts of what if I had gone a different path, what if I had not chosen this journey at all. I can't change what has happened. I can't change what will happen. I can only press on through the storm to find the one who waits for me at the end.

Truth is that he is not only waiting for me at the end. He is walking beside me, cheering me on. He is leading me through the treacherous path because he has walked this way before and has prepared the place where my feet will pass. And on those days when fear overwhelms, exhaustion sets in, and the tears are blinding He lifts me up into his strong arms and cradling me to his chest carries me on to the other side.

That is where I have spent the past three days. Clinging to the one who holds me close to his heart. In the arms of the only one who can shelter my bruised heart from the raging storm. Only here in his arms, resting my head on his shoulder like a trusting infant can I hear the truth he so gently whispers to my heart. Of course there have been numerous times in the past couple of days when I climbed out of the safety of those arms and felt the sting of the storm as it left me disillusioned and angry at my Lord. Lashing out at him in anger, screaming the painful lies that have held me in bondage- kept me from those loving arms.

What a gentle lover the Lord is. Able to see beyond the bitter words, he speaks into my broken, crushed heart and calls me to come. He holds me while I fight against him, holds me when I finally break, holds me while the tears fall. He holds me. In the end that is all that really matters. No matter the intensity of the storm, no matter the pain, no matter how many tears fall- none of it can stop the Savior from holding me.

I really don't know what this new year holds. New Years Eve brought a little glimpse of what might be in store. Jonathan's brain is just not working the way it should be. We will find out in a couple of days if the tumor has begun to grow or not. Regardless of the outcome, the reality is that his brain is just not going to get better. For the first time on New Year's Eve, a doctor gave me permission to choose what makes Jonathan happy and comfortable and not necessarily what will "fix" him. After a week of taking temps, documenting every weird symptom, I was encouraged to instead watch my child...is he happy, is he coloring and able to do what he likes?

Then stay home and let him be happy and comfortable. So after much prayer and thought, my focus is changing from fighting to keep Jon alive to fighting to give him a life fully lived.

This of course has brought on so many thoughts...

First, my desire is to make this year a new adventure. To live each day fully and intentionally. Jon may have years left with us...but living like today could be the last will not be something I will regret should he surprise us all. There are so many things to experience together as a family. So much to be learned and explored. I don't want to get caught up in the stupid things that distract us from what is most important.

That thought led me into another important thing that the Lord reminded me of on Friday as I scoured my old journals to be reminded of the ways the Lord has worked in my life. I was reminded that as we follow the Lord he may ask us to do things that don't make sense to others and that others may totally oppose what we are doing. We have to know fully what the Lord has spoken to us and not let go of that no matter what.

I found this in my journal from September 4, 1993 and it is an excerpt from a book written by perhaps my most favorite person of all time: Amy Carmichael (from the book or writing entitled " One Step at a Time" )

You and I maybe called again and again to walk right into our own "rivers". Whatever they may be- to wet our feet in them. We may be called to do what nobody understands except those to whom the word of guidance is given- and with it his promise too. But understand this: The word must come first and also his promise. You and I must be sure of what we are called to do with an inward conviction that absolutely nothing can shake. In my own case, again and again, I have had to wet my feet in the water... only God and those who have walked in that path know how hard that kind of faith life can be. But He does know. And when the people around us don't hear the words and and the voice that we have heard, and only say, " It thunders..." then he comes near and we know him as we never knew him before....If only the next step is clear, then the one thing to do it take it! Don't pledge your Lord or yourself to any steps beyond what you know. You don't see them yet.

There are somethings on my heart that don't make sense to others...even those closest to me. But I will choose to cling to what I know the Lord has spoken to my heart. A dear friend reminded me of this the other night. He spoke of putting up my shield of faith when those thoughts of doubt, guilt, condemnation come. I find it quite funny that the very next day after he said that I found an outline to a bible study I taught about the shield of faith.

Here is a glimpse into this study...

Roman Shields were 2 feet by 4 feet and a soldier could hide completely behind it. It was made of wood and then covered with cloth and leather. It was then dipped in water to extinguish fiery darts. ( Metaphorically, the word of God is the water that our hearts and minds are bathed in to distinguish the darts)

The shield protects us from fiery darts. Darts are often thrown when things are great and we are not relying on the Lord. Some of these darts are:

Fear- allowing it to linger causes it to spread and destroy out faith

Doubt- about God, questioning our faith, about other people and ourselves

Words- attacking our will, our mind, our heart, and our conscience

Confusion

When properly used and in place- the shield will protect us from all darts.

This is my favorite part of the shield- they were designed to lock together with those shield's of other soldiers. Together the shields would create a barrier wall and great strength. Sometimes we are wounded in battle and forget to take shelter under the shield of faith. How great that the Lord has given us other people to stand beside us, lock their shields with us, and stay with us until we are able to stand again.

So I am choosing to hide behind my shield of faith, allowing it to distinguish the darts flying fiercely toward me right now.

I know this is a random collection of thoughts and if you are still reading I am quite impressed!!! I just didn't want to loose any of the memorial stones the Lord is giving me right now as this journey begins.

I have the feeling that this is the first of many post to come in the next couple of days. True to the tradition of looking back over the past year and looking forward to the new year, my mind is busy recalling moments from the past. I am choosing though to look back and see the moments where the Lord met me and offered his promises and hope.

A couple of days ago, a special friend of mine forwarded me an email that I wrote to her in 1998! I can't believe she still had it!!!! What was even more incredible is how the Lord ministered to me through the words he gave me that many years ago. I am amazed at how alive and near the Lord is to our hearts and lives. He truly is a personal and real God who longs to have an intimate place in our lives.

I hope this will encourage and bless you as well.

(Based on Psalm 121)  I am convinced that thousands of years ago, when the Lord inspired  David to write this psalm, that he saw across the pages of time and  saw me. He saw the tears that fell tonight as I laid in bed. He felt  the ache that I felt inside. A hurt so deep that only he could know  it. He saw my need. And he reached out and met it. God knew all that  this evening would hold and he provided the right lullaby that my  heart and soul needed.          What food these words hold to a hungry and empty soul. What  lessons for this stubborn heart to learn. What comfort for these teary  eyes to behold.           I lift my eyes....where have my eyes been today? Certainly  not lifted.No, my eyes have not been lifted up to behold my Savior,  my King, my Lord. My eyes have not even lifted their gaze to cry out  to him who sees all. My eyes have been on me and the world around me.  My eyes have sought out one other than Jesus to hold and comfort me.  Another one to be my help. My eyes have searched to find a way to do  it myself, to make things right in my own strength. My eyes have laid  downcast for days because they have failed to look in the right direction.           Where does my help come from? My mind knows where its  supposed to come from, but does my heart? Its learning. How awesome  that God didn't label the kind of help he provides. This help is for  all situations and all times. Oh that my heart would learn this  precious truth and really ask where does my help come from. Does help  come from man? No, he fails and is weak. He cannot conquer all. He can not even be trusted  or counted upon. Does  my help come from within? From some inner strength? No, there is no  strength in me. I cannot help me. If I could then I would not need  help, would I ?          My help comes from the only one able to give it. Jesus, my  helper. He is able to stand when all else falls. He is able to hold  me up when I'm crushed and faltering. He is able and has conquered  sin and death. He is able to love forever and unconditionally. He is  able to do what none other can do. He is able to be there at any  minute day or night with his ears and eyes wide open. And he wants to help. He longs for me to run into his arms and  find shelter from the raging storm. He yearns to be able to wrap his  arms around me and comfort my aching heart. He is able.             How do I know he is able? Because he made the heavens and  the earth. If he can do all that with just one word from his mouth  then isn't he big enough to take care of me? He's even better than a  big brother ....He's the daddy there to protect and nurture his children. '             He will not allow my foot to be moved. Wow! What  encouragement. Today I'm struggling. Life seems like one great big  mountain and I'm at the bottom. There seems to be no way up and I  want to give up before I even start. I feel as though I've walked a  million miles. I'm feeling unsteady, ready to fall. Ready to find a  new path. But my Lord, my helper, has promised to not let me fall. He has promised to bring me all the way. He has  promised to keep me on the path. My foot will not collapse, nor will  it wander from the chosen trail. Why? God will hold me fast. He has  promised and he keeps his promise.                He does not sleep. My God is awake twenty four hours a  day. He never goes on break. Tonight this is probably the greatest  comfort of all to me. Because tonight my whole world sleeps. And I  feel alone. Man tries. They try to stay awake but they are human and  tired. Their eyes are heavy. So I cry alone. A hurt inside I don't  understand. A burden so heavy to bear on my own and no one to help carry the load. Alone until a small still whisper  hits my ears. " I am awake." My Jesus is awake. He is ready to listen  and will not fall asleep in the middle of the sentence. He will not  nod off as the tears still stream down my face. He will hold me until  the pain subsides. He has promised to never sleep. I know no other friend who can make this promise.            The Lord is my keeper. He guards my life with tender  loving care. Nothing touches me that hasn't already touched him. You  see it has to go through his body to get to mine. He feels every  pain, he sheds tears along with me, he has been through it all even  worse things than I. Why then if he feels and knows all I go through, why does he allow it to  touch me? Why does he allow death to shatter my life? Why does he allow pain to break my  heart? Why does he allow confusion to enter the scene? Because he  sees something I don't. He sees eternity. He sees what all of these  things will produce. He knows what I need in order to become more like him.          He shall prserve my soul. My Jesus will hold me and keep me  until the day he presents me to the Father. No one and nothing can  seperate me from him. I will never be lost.... God has promised. He  will keep me from wandering. His spirit will always draw me back home.           He shall watch over my going out and coming in. Just as he  was here tonight, he will be here tomorrow....... 

9 words that changed my life by Jon @ SCL

I read this today on a blog that I follow. It is huge!!! I am still trying to digest it and let the truth soak in. I can't wait to see what God will do in my heart as the truth invades and becomes reality.

9 words that changed my life by Jon @ SCL

Post by Jon at Stuff Christians Like

Sometimes, hope hurts.

It shouldn’t. The phrase, “hope hurts” should be an oxymoron like “Lady Gaga gospel album.” But I promise you, it’s not.

Sometimes when you’re so deep in a season of hurt, you get used to the bad. You start to think you deserve it. You start to expect it and get comfortable with it and get numb to it. And like a creature that lives so far down on the bottom of the sea, you adapt to it. You cobble together little survival mechanisms that help you get through. You get by.

But hope is tenacious …

Even in the darkest of my days, when I’d journal about suicide and despair, a fragment of hope still bounced about softly in the dryer of my head. (When you’re married with kids and have lots of laundry to do, 42% of your metaphors and analogies become housework flavored.)

There was a problem though, there was a painful obstacle between me and hope. You see, I was so far down the path of hopelessness, I was so lost and selfish and bent on destruction that I found myself in a terrible lose-lose situation. For example: If my wife was kind to me, I felt hurt because she didn’t know how hurtful I was secretly being to her with porn and a cadre of lies that would have killed her. If my wife was mean to me, I felt hurt because she had been mean to me. Any way I turned, simply resulted in more grossness.

And that is one of sin’s goals. Not simply to remove the good from your life, but to have it actually serve as a weapon of mass destruction.

Have you ever felt that way?

Have you ever felt completely unworthy when someone offers you love?

Have you ever been ashamed of the lies you’re living when someone offers you truth?

Have you ever felt undeserving of something good, because deep down, you believed that person wouldn’t really love you if they knew who you were?

It’s very possible that I’m the only one, and that’s OK. But I do need to tell you about the 9 words in the Bible that changed the way hope felt for me.

I’ve written about this before, but I’m a big fan of “edge verses.” I’m a big fan of looking on the periphery of a scene in the Bible and seeing all the deep truth that often gets hidden amidst a major scene. And in Luke 22 that certainly happens.

Jesus is on the threshold of getting crucified. He has the last supper with his disciples. He is sharing his thoughts on the father and the concept of serving and ruling. There is a sense of great importance heavy in the air. In the middle of that, he has a short conversation with Simon about how he is going to betray him.

It’s going to happen. Jesus knows this, but he wishes it wasn’t. He says to Simon in Luke 22:31-32:

Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail.

And then, in 9 words, he explains a big part of the reason I thought a mess-up like me could be a Christian.

Jesus tells Simon:

“And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.”

That’s it, those are 9 really simple words, but they demand a second look.

Do you see what Jesus is saying in that first half of the sentence, And when you have turned back? He’s saying:

And when you fail.

And when you sin.

And when you blow it and sell me out like a common thief.

And when you literally and physically turn your back on me.

And when you ruin it all.

When you turn back.

That concept is part of why our God is so different than everything we expect. We can turn back. There’s a return. There’s a comeback. There’s a loss and a brokenness and a state of falling, but you can turn back. That door is open. When I read the phrase “And when you have turned back,” I read a loud, wild picture of what grace really looks like.

Then you get to the part that is so easy to miss, the comma. Thank God for the comma, because that’s not how I would have written that sentence.

Mine would have looked more like:

“And when you have turned back, repent for three years before you try to get within a mile of my holiness.”

“And when you have turned back, don’t think for a second you’re qualified to tell other people about me.”

“And when you have turned back, here’s a long list of works you’ll need to do in order to clean yourself of the mistakes you’ve made and the consequences you’ve earned.”

But Christ doesn’t do that! He throws in a comma. He continues the sentence and simply says, “strengthen your brothers.”

Four years ago I ruined my life, but you know what?

God gave me the gift of the comma.

And that’s why I write Stuff Christians Like.

I have turned back. Not once, not twice, but a million times. And now it’s time to strengthen my brothers.

I don’t know what you’ll get this Christmas for a present, but please know this, God wants to give you the comma. He wants to give you grace. He wants you to know that when you have turned back, you can still strengthen your brothers.

It’s time to accept the comma of grace.

___________________________

I have been praying for a way to help my friends in their adoption journey. Recently, I have really felt my faith challenged as I read stories of others who have trusted for the Lord to provide and through crazy circumstances money flooded in. One particular story was huge....over $20,000 raised in 2 weeks. How incredible is that!!!

So I have been asking the Lord what I can do. The first thought that came to mind was to use my photography. Honestly, I have struggled with even presenting this idea. I am not a professional photographer in the sense that I have been trained in the art and skill of photography. I just love taking pictures and I love giving people images that are better than Walmart quality. I just hate charging people a fee for this gift! Those of you who know me know how much I would just give everything away!!!!

Recently, I have been blessed with the opportunity to do portraits for several friends and families. It was such a fun experience. And since others are asking me to do photo shoots for them I feel as though this could maybe the answer to my prayer. I am offering photo shoots at your location of choice (within the Colorado Springs and outlying area) for a minimum donation of $25 through the end of January. The entire donation will be sent to my friends, The Little Family, towards their adoption costs. In return for your generosity, I will give you a cd of edited and ready to print images. Usually there are at least 30-50 images per sitting.

For more information about the Little family and their adoption journey visit here

Could you spare just five dollars?

Your five dollars added to my five dollars added to another's five dollars could mean that a little child would finally be in a forever family. My special friends have begun the process of adopting another precious waiting child from China. Many of the kids helped by Love Without Boundaries are special needs children. My friends have a heart to welcome these special children into their home! Please visit their website below for more information. They are having a drawing for a $250 Best Buy card...I hope you will consider a small donation towards making a huge difference in one child's life.

Click Here to visit their website.

Tonight I was struggling to maintain a positive spirit. Songs have been used by the Lord to really minister to my heart and turn my thoughts back to him. So I sat down and began to listen to the many songs that would lift my spirit. I thought it would be fun to go through and find songs that would tell the story of my life. It was a neat experience and really helped keep the night from going south. What a good reminder to see how the Lord has been a part of every thing that has happened in my life. None of these videos, with the exception of He's My Son, are mine (neither are the songs). Just borrowed from youtube.

1. Jesus Loves Me

At the age five I found out this simple truth and gave my heart to Jesus.

2. He Won't Let You Go

At age 10, due to some choices my brother made I watched my hero fall from the pedestal I had placed him on. God used the heartbreaking circumstances to draw me into a life changing commitment to be fully surrendered to my Lord. At this moment, I made the choice to follow the Lord no matter what.

3. Tell Me Again

As I was growing up in the Lord, he made sure I was surrounded by those who were faithful to BE Jesus. I will be forever grateful to my youth leaders who invested their time and their hearts in my life. I am convinced that without them I would not be where I am today.

4. Be the One

One of the songs that was an inspiration to me early on...I wanted nothing more than to Be the One the Lord could and would use.

5. For the Sake of the Call

Inspired by Jim and Elizabeth Elliot, I responded to the call on my life to go to the mission field. At 15 I went on my first mission trip to Guatemala. One step on foreign soil was all it took for me to be willing to leave my family and go...my entire high school years were spent overseas as a missionary. What an incredible time of my life!

6. Go Light Your World

The passion of my heart!

7. A Friend Like You

During my trips overseas, I met some of my best friends. Its hard to believe that my best friend and I have remained close over 17 years. What an incredible blessing she is from the Lord. Throughout every season in my life, the Lord has blessed with that special friend who has connected deeply with my heart. I am so blessed.

8. All I Ask of You

The significance of the movie this song comes from is greater than the song itself. Even today this movie reminds me of the time in my life when I fell in love only to realize that this was not the person who God had intended for me. There are days when I wish I could erase this part from my story. But I know that without it I would not be where I am today.

9. Don't Say Goodbye

One of the hardest days of my life was when I, at 16 years old, looked into the eyes of the man I was going to be married to, and hand him back his ring. The Lord had clearly spoken to me that this was not his plan. I had given my this man my heart and in the process had forgotten to keep the Lord first in my heart. Though I was heartbroken, I never regretted my choice to obey the Lord. Shortly after breaking off the engagement, I left the country and returned to the Lover of My Soul.

10. Seize the Day

Refocused and ready to follow the road the Lord had led me to, I left home at 17 and went to Peru as a missionary. After three months there I came home only long enough to go to Haiti with my sister and then pack to return to Peru. What an incredible adventure that time was. Even now my heart is homesick for the Peruvian people. I pray daily that some day the Lord will let me return.

11. Take My Hand and Walk

This song became huge to me in the time that I was returning to Peru. I was struggling with many things. So many things were unsettled in my heart. But this song reminded me of the promise that I just had to take his hand and follow.

12. Hold Me Jesus

Little did I know that while I was hiding away in the Jungle, the Lord was preparing the one who he had chosen for me to marry. My incredible husband was going through a painful time in his life when I met him and this song was a huge part of his healing and coming back to Jesus. Everytime I hear this song I am reminded of the precious beginning of our relationship.

13. Another Man in Her Life

7 weeks after my husband and I started dating I left for Peru. I had made a commitment to be there for 7 months. I felt that my commitment to the Lord could not be changed simply because I had fallen in love. My husband joined me in Peru the last 2 weeks I was there. 8 weeks later we were married. This song was played at our wedding and was a huge part of out marriage.

14. Masterpiece

I became a mother on September 25 1997. I should have known from the beginning that this little boy would have such a huge impact on our world. He was dying when he was born. His lungs were aspirated with 6 holes. I didn't have a name for him because he was supposed to be a girl. But the moment I saw him and saw him fighting for his life, I knew his name. Jonathan, gift from God. A bittersweet reminder that God gives and God takes away. He proved to be one miracle after another...God healed the holes in his lungs within hours and he came home 3 days later. Fourteen months later Brittney was born. 12 months after she arrived Jason arrived. Motherhood and all its ups and downs was in full swing.

15. Let Mercy Lead

Josh joined us in 2002. The weight of the incredible gift and responsibility was heavy upon my heart. How grateful I am that the Lord is able to make good out of our failures as parents. I will do my best to lead them and train them, after that its up to the Lord to capture their hearts.

16. He's My Son

Three months after Joshua was born, great suffering entered my world. Jonathan, the month before he turned 5, was diagnosed with a brain tumor. The Lord surrounded us with special friends and carried us through some very dark days. Its hard to believe that it was seven years ago and we are still walking this path. And still being carried by the strong arms of our Heavenly Father.

17. Praise you in the Storm

So many days and long nights filled with never ending tears can lead to a questioning heart. Why does the Lord allow this trial to stay for so long? Why doesn't he heal my child? This song became a soothing balm to my heart. I choose to praise him in the midst of the storm...not because he removed the storm. Here is where I encounter the God of the Universe in an intimate way only found in pain and suffering.

18. I still believe

The line that I will live and die by. No matter what happens in life, no matter the pain that comes, no matter how easy it would be to walk away... one thing remains...I still believe. The truth about the Lord has not changed and will not change no matter the circumstance.

19. Blessed be your name

My life song. Still I will say...blessed be the name of the Lord.

20. Watch Over Me

Another love song that the Lover of my soul has sung into my heart during the darkest nights. He watches over me and reminds me of his presence.

21. Look What Faith Can Do

This is my new favorite song. I am watching the Lord do great things. He is making miracles out of broken hearts, broken lives, and broken dreams. Nothing is beyond his touch. His ways are not my ways, but I am learning that stepping out in faith has great rewards.

22. I lift my eyes

The older I get in my walk with the Lord, the more I realize that He alone is the source for everything we need. He is truly all that life is all about. The more I fill my life with him, the less I seek to be filled by others and able to give to others unconditionally.

23. Friends Are Friends Forever

This is the greatest blessing in my life right now. The Lord has allowed me to reconnect with these kinds of forever friends. Ones that I never thought I would ever see again much less live life with. I am blessed beyond words.

24. Beautiful Ending

The prayer of my heart is to end well. I don't want this life to be in vain. I want to finish the race set before me with a heart that is truly surrendered to the Lord.

Its a snowy, cold afternoon here in Colorado Springs. Perfect day for a hot cup of coffee, a fire in the fireplace and family time. Its almost time to get my kids from school and I am actually looking forward to them being home. Tomorrow is a half day and I am so looking forward to the weekend. But for now I am enjoying the last few minuted of quiet and thought I should update everyone on Jonathan.

We went to Denver this morning. I am so thankful that Shawn was off today and was able to go with us. Since Mya has been running a high fever for the past few days, Shawn just dropped Jon and I off at the hospital and took her for a drive. Jonathan has been physically stable ever since we left the hospital. He really looks good. I am thankful for every minute like this and don't want to take it for granted. I know all to well how fast things can change.

We still don't have any test results back. So we still have no idea what caused this four weeks of weird episodes. The plan for now is to wait for the results. We are all leaning towards the chemotherapy playing a part in this. The question is whether there is an underlying problem and the chemotherapy "activated" the problem or if the chemo itself is the problem. Not an easy answer to come to. We have decided to put the chemo on hold until we have a better idea. We may just stop the chemo all together. We will scan in shorter intervals until something happens... if the tumor starts to grow then we have to do something. If it stays stable we will just keep watching and waiting.

Today we are just enjoying life. Life as a family. Life with its ups and downs. Life is an amazing journey. And no matter the outcome, I am sure of one thing... the Lord is on the throne and he is capable of more than I can ever imagine. I am glad that the responsibility of the outcome rests on his shoulders and not mine.

As this week has now become even more complicated, I find myself running to the only safe place that I can run to...the arms of Jesus. This afternoon I am encouraged by the words in a tiny book by perhaps my most favorite person in the entire world- Amy Carmichael. In her book: His Thoughts Said...His Father Said..." there are many encouraging thoughts. But this one really encouraged me.

There is a Place By Me

His thoughts said, " Before me continually is the grief of wounds, confusion, suspense, distress"

His Father said, " Behold there is a place by Me, and thou shalt stand upon a rock. Then, as a frightened child on a storm swept mountain side would gratefully take his father's hand, and stand on a rock in a place by him, fearing no evil- so it was with the son. For he knew that though the earth be removed and the waters be carried into the midst of the sea, that rock by his father will never be moved.And he remember words about things that can be shaken and things that will remain. And though no small tempest lay on him, he said to the multitude of thought whose voices sought to disturb him, Sirs, be of good cheer; for I believe God that it shall be even as it was told me. For as his majesty is, so also is his mercy.

If you would like to send Jonathan a note to cheer him up, you can go onto the hospital website at thechildrenshospital.org and under the "about your visit" site. There is a place to send email cards that are delivered to his room.

Well, it appears that our stay here at the beautiful Children's Hospital is coming to an end. Hopefully, we will be headed home tomorrow morning. Jon has an EKG scheduled in the morning. Evidently cardiac issues are common in some of the genetic things that are going on so we are going to make sure that is all working right.

I still really don't know what they have tested for or are looking for. I know they have a long list and it appears they are going down it ruling thing out. There is a good chance that all of this is nothing more than toxicity to the chemotherapy but we need to know if it is anything more than that. Also need to know if there are conditions that are making it more likely for him to be toxic to the chemotherapy.

My prayer is that they will quickly figure it out so we can resume chemo soon. I don't like going to long without knowing we are fighting that stupid tumor. Thank you all for your continued prayers and support. We love you and appreciate you!

I have so much to blog about but don't have time right now. I have a feeling the next few days will provide ample time to get caught up. I wanted to let you all know that Jonathan will be admitted to the hospital tomorrow morning for some extensive observation and testing. We need to find out what is going on with him. If this is the new normal, I can deal with that as long as they tell me that is what it is. But until we know that for sure I am not content to just sit back and watch whatever is happening happen.

Basically he has been up and down since we were last in the hospital 4 weeks ago. There is no explanation for all the changes that are going on. Finally on Friday the doctor decided we were going to figure it out. So we are to stay in the hospital until we have it figured out.

Mya and I will be joining Jon in the hospital adventure. Shawn is staying here with the other three. I am hopeful we won't be there too long. So I am off now to get ready. Thank you for praying for, supporting, and loving our family through this journey. We love you all.

What a crazy, long day! The oncologist decided yesterday that he wanted Jon to be seen by the seizure specialist today in clinic. So they ordered another sleep deprived EEG for this morning and then we went to see the dr. The EEG was the same as the one last week...definitely could be prone to seizures but not seeing much actual seizure activity. Duh!!!! thus the reason we asked it to be done when he was in the hospital and it was happening! But we are just the parents; what do we know????

The neurologist did have some interesting ideas though. She picked up on some new muscle weakness that is somewhat concerning. Both eye lids are drooping today which is different and odd. There is some kind of muscle condition or disease that can cause some of the symptoms we see but not all of them. She did blood work to test for this. It takes about a week before the results come back. She also decided that they wanted another 24 hour EEG. They had an opening today...lucky me! I should have told them no and to wait until next week but I didn't. And so now it has added so much stress and chaos to the weekend.

I am going on a women's retreat tomorrow with ladies from church. Jon has to be taken all the way to Denver just to have the EEG disconneted. Two hours out of the day. Two hours out of a day that didn't have 2 extra hours in it. I think any other time it would be no big deal. But this time it is jut particularly annoying because they are doing it after the fact and will not really see anything... so its kind of a waste of time and money. But I want these doctors to be diligent in finding answers so I am willing to do what they ask at least for now.

The prep for this EEG took forever...long enough to watch an entire movie. So we got on the road late and ended up in rush hour traffic. Jon started throwing up in the middle of this traffic. I couldn't reach a bowl so he was throwing up in diapers. Finally we got out of traffic and I could stop for a little while and get the bowl. He threw up over 17 times...those are the only ones I was able to write down. I have no idea what happened. When we got home, I gave him anti-nausea meds and he went right to sleep. Thankfully he has not thrown up again.

So here we are tonight. I am praying against the attack of the enemy...there is much of this going on in many of the lives of those going on the retreat. God is going to be working in our hearts there and the enemy is not to happy about it. I am praying for wisdom. I am praying for the ability to clearly and confidently express my thoughts and frustrations in a calm and respectful way. And I am praying for the doctors involved to have wisdom to think out of the box and find some answers to wait is ailing Jonathan. Thank you all for your prayers as well. We love you all!

Thank you friends for praying me through the night. I woke up this morning and found this devotional in my inbox...I thought it was rather timely considering my prayer from yesterday. This is from the Streams in the Desert.

Author: Mrs. Charles E. Cowman
Source: Streams in the Desert
Scripture Reference: Philippians 1:29

Fashioned In The Fire

"Unto you it is given . . .to suffer" (Phil. 1:29).

God keeps a costly school. Many of its lessons are spelled out through tears. Richard Baxter said, "O God, I thank Thee for a bodily discipline of eight and fifty years"; and he is not the only man who has turned a trouble into triumph.

This school of our Heavenly Father will soon close for us; the term time is shortening every day. Let us not shrink from a hard lesson or wince under any rod of chastisement. The richer will be the crown, and the sweeter will be Heaven, if we endure cheerfully to the end and graduate in glory.--Theodore L. Cuyler

The finest china in the world is burned at least three times, some of it more than three times. Dresden china is always burned three times. Why does it go through that intense fire? Once ought to be enough; twice ought to be enough. No, three times are necessary to burn that china so that the gold and the crimson are brought out more beautiful and then fastened there to stay.

We are fashioned after the same principle in human life. Our trials are burned into us once, twice, thrice; and by God's grace these beautiful colors are there and they are there to stay forever.--Cortland Myers

Earth's fairest flowers grow not on sunny plain,
But where some vast upheaval rent in twain The smiling land . . . .
After the whirlwinds devastating blast,
After the molten fire and ashen pall,
God's still small voice breathes healing over all.
From riven rocks and fern-clad chasms deep,
Flow living waters as from hearts that weep,
There in the afterglow soft dews distill
And angels tend God's plants when night falls still,
And the Beloved passing by that way
Will gather lilies at the break of day.--J.H.D.

This classic devotional is the unabridged edition of Streams in the Desert. This first edition was published in 1925 and the wording is preserved as originally written. Connotations of words may have changed over the years and are not meant to be offensive.

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