Is it Christmas or just the first day of
school? Our morning started out with a surprise from the UPS man. Our materials for school have been delayed. But this morning, on the first official day of school we recieved a decent size shipment. It felt like Christmas as we opened each box and saw all the goodies! So far we have 23 of these yellow boxes and this is not even half of our materials! Not sure where I am going to put all this stuff.
Mya was quite sad that none of it was for her. She just kept wanting to read the new books and was so sad they were not for her. I think tomorrow I will have to make her a new box of her own!

The highlight of my weekend...

My best friend and I had our first "official" phot shoot together. This shoot was especially significant to me. I remember holding this new mama in my arms when she was 2 days old. And here she is all grown up and only a few more weeks away from holding her precious baby in her arms. The funniest part of these pics...the pet duck. Isn't he cute!

Rain has been pouring since yesterday morning. It is so soothing to me. Admittedly, it made our all day shopping trip yesterday a little bit of a challenge. But today we are rained in! And I love it. The sound of the rain throughout the night was so peaceful and such a sweet sound to wake up to this morning. I feel bad for my inlaws who are camping in thsi weather but I love it. There is just something about the rain that makes me feel as though all is well in my little world. Its weird I know... but sometimes there are these little things that seems to remind me of my Savior's love. This was one of those days. I woke up, heard the pouring rain, felt the cool air (it is 50 degrees here) and I felt romantacized by my Lord. Do you ever have those days? It feels so nice to be pursued and such an incredible gift to be pursued by the Almighty God. In other news, everyone is getting very excited about school starting. We have kind of played around with some of our subjects and have really enjoyed them so far. Yesterday, Joshua had some curriculum show up. It was like christmas. We recieved four boxes...mostly reading books and some language stuff. Also an art supplement kit with 9 bottles of tempera paint, modeling clay, paint brushes, and pastels. Since this is only a fraction of what is too come, I expect there to be an overwhelming amount of school materials showing up here soon. We are also getting another loaner computer too...this way each kid will have access to their own computer during school. I think this is going to be good. I really do. Just pray for me to be consistent, committed, and realistic. True to Kelly style, I am going to add a little bit of chaos to this mix. A new coworker of Shawn's has just moved here from Florida. They have 3 precious children. We enjoyed having them over the other night and spending time getting to know them. We are always so excited to have new friends! They have a sweet 2 year old boy with curly hair just like Mya's. Well, they need childcare for him and I need a job so it sounds like the perfect combination. I have been praying for someway to help our financial situation without compromising the needs of my family and this seems to be the answer. So call me crazy...Jonathan is hanging in there...everyday there is something new that either amazes me or scares me. He is completely weaned off of the Abilify and is about halfway off the Zyprexa. I have not seen any drastic improvement of the TIC but we will see. I have seen a little more agitation and inability to cope. Yesterday in the store he about came unglued. Thankfully, Shawn was able to bring him back around. I don't know what I would do if he starts to become unstable. He had me worried this past week. Twice he has made statements where he believes he is Tennessee still. With some cues he realized he was wrong. Then he slept all day with a massive headache. And his speech was slightly slurred. Right now he seems to be ok...so I will jsut keep praying and holding my breath until October when we scan again. well, thats it for today. I have to get busy cleaning and finish organizing for school. Check back soon for pictures!!!

I really did intend to share more the other night but I realized if I kept blogging I would never finish the pile of pics I was scanning. As it was I stayed up until 4am to finish the photobook I made for Shawn. My gracious husband got the children ready for church so I could finish my "project" before we left. After church we had to go to Shawn's grandpa's 80th birthday party in Castle Rock. So I made a quick dash to Sams to upload the pages before we left. I was so happy when we left Castle Rock in time to rush back to sams (an hour away) before they closed at Sams...we made record time and I ran in at 5 minutes till 6!!!! So I want to share my project....its not the highest quality but it was the thought that mattered...especially this year. I used http://www.shabbyprincess.com/ and design freebies at http://www.scrapbookflair/ to create and decorate my scrapbook pages. The words are from a song my mother in law had writted originally for my brother in law and his friend. This was the "theme" of our relationship early on and a special song for us. Shawn's mom sang it in our wedding. This pics are of the many different adventures and experiences we have shared through the years. I hope that you enjoy them (also- I hope the pregnant picture is not offensive to anyone...if it is please let me know and I will remove it.

So here it is 1 am in the morning. I am diligently working on a secret project for my husband. Our anniversary is tomorrow...well actually it is today. So I am making a photo book with pics of our life together. As I am going through all of our old letters and journals I have been coming across poetry I have written at various times. I thought I might share a few since I am stuck on the computer while my pics are scanning in. I hope that they will minister to your heart...

Written 9-20-99

Raging, trembling heart let go
Give away the fear
To the hands outstretched to you.
Allow the tears to fall his shoulder
As he gently reaches within
Touching your soul
Purifying with every stroke
Be full of courage
He will remain bound to you
Every step carrying you
Held fast to his heart
Be not afraid as each layer
Stripped before him
Reveals truth not known to even you
For he loves you
Rest, Heart, rest
Let his love redo, rebuild
Let it swallow you in its grasp
Let yourself drown in his love.
In the end you will shine
Reflecting his tender, joyful eyes
Upon the smile of your soul.

So today started out as a low day...everything was crashing in around me. I am thankful though that by mid afternoon things seemed to have turned around. I was busy all afternoon cleaning and organizing the garage. I love having a garage!!!! This one room has become a multi purpose hang out...at any given moment it is a hockey rink, bicycle track, craft room, scrapbooking room, dance studio, photography studio, playground, and school room. It felt good to get so much accomplished.

We are waiting for our school materials to show up. Oh, yes, we are going to be homeschoolers this year!!! We are enrolled in Colorado Virtual Academy which is actually public school online. We are excited and anxious to get started. Unfortunately there appears to be a delay in the shipping due to a supplier issue so we are all starting to feel a little frustrated.

My children are heavy on my heart tonight. There has been so much sadness lately. Most of it has been over lack of friendships and hurtful friendships here so far. I am not sure what to do except pray specifically for each one of them to make friends.

Well, I am going to go to bed now... I just felt the need to blog...my friend has consistently been blogging every day and I was feeling a little accountability flowing from her example!

Six Years Ago...

Six Years Later....

Sitting here this morning, I realized that six years ago yesterday Shawn and I watched our almost 5 year old son as his hospital bed was wheeled down the hall to the operating room. We had no idea what his fate would be. Many of you were with us that day praying, comforting, and loving on us. What a testimony it was to all the other people waiting in that waiting room. 13 hours later, many of you were still with us. Worshipping with us and waiting for the news of what our future would hold. You were there when the doctor finally came out and said that Jonathan was on his way back to recovery. You were there when we all huddled around and knelt before our Lord thanking him and asking for his healing.

I can't believe that 6 years has already passed. I can't believe that it has only been 6 years. Sometimes this journey feels like it has been all we have ever known. My heart grieves the fact that I can hardly remember anything past that dreadful day when we were given the diagnosis that forever changed our lives. The horror and pain still feels like it was just yesterday. And at the same time this has become our lives. Sort of a new reality that we have been forced to accept.

There is so much that I am thankful for and praise the Lord for. I am thankful that Jonathan is still alive. In all the loss that we have felt, I am so grateful that we have not yet had to feel the horrible grief that many of our friends have felt and still have to feel everyday since they have lost their children. I am grateful that 6 years later we have beat the statistics... with 2 reoccurances and 2 courses of chemotherapy- Jon is still here. I am so glad God doesn't believe in statistics...with him all things are possible. I am so thankful for the doctors who God has given us to care for our child. They fight everyday to keep him and others like him alive and with some kind of quality of life. While there is so much I miss about the old Jonathan...there is so much that makes him special...his childlike acceptance of everyone. His love and kindness. His simple content attitude. His kisses. Even if it feels like "50 first dates", each day begins and ends like yesterday, I am thankful for each day that I can kiss him good night and say his prayers, and sing his favorite song. I am thankful.

On the flip side, 6 years later the damage this disease has done takes its toll. The brain damage that has caused mood disorders and high levels of irritability and frustration has affected everyone. The stress level at times is so high we all feel like we might just crack. I see how each of my children is affected by this disease and it makes my heart break. No matter how hard I try I can't protect them. I can only trust that God knows and he will make them ok. He will heal the broken hearts, the angry hearts, the hearts that are desperate for attention.

We will make it. I know we will. God never has let me down. He always provides what we need. He didn't let me us face the first moments and days of the diagnosis alone. Each moment he allowed one of you to be there. Each time he gave whatever we needed. Six years later he continues to pour out his love on us. Even now, he is providing. One of the special blessings of moving to Colorado is the increased support we have recieved here. Some of you may not know...but Shawn's parent have already walked this path that we have. Different disease but still a great loss. His brother and sister both had terminal diseases. They have both passed away during the past several years. So God in his soverignty has given us a great gift in two people who can help Shawn and I learn how to cling together through whatever happens. They are so wonderful in helping to "rescue" the kids when they need a break from the situation.

So 6 years ago life drastically changed. Thank you to all of you who have walked with us through these years of craziness. I love each of you and am so thankful for the part you have played in our lives. I look forward to what the next 6 years hold...who knows???

For some time now I have related to the song " Praise you in this storm". It has been my desire to praise God in the midst of whatever storm I find myself in. It has blown me away to watch time and time again how God has faithfully touched my heart with his truth shedding his light on the situation. Even now, in this time when my greatest challenge is learning how to praise him when there is not a storm raging around me, he still speaks.

The past few weeks I have found myself hungry for his voice. I sat in church on Sunday unable to sit still because I felt like my heart was going to burst. So many things I desire to be and do. So many questions about ministry. So many dreams. So many tears of what I can no longer be. So many thoughts about what life would have been if only...yet, somehow in His presence the only thought left is a desire to be with my Jesus. To be one hundred percent his. To not waste a single moment on anything that is not of him. My heart beats like a girl in the presence of her first love. I feel again for a moment what it felt like when I first placed my heart in God's hand and set out on this adventure. Its not a question of how or why any longer but when Lord, when can I go? When can I be? When Lord will all these dreams you placed in my heart come to fruition.

Of course moments later I am shaken from this intimacy by the harshness of reality as everyone screams, demands, or just simply needs me. The weight of financial reality, the chaos this life has created in our daily life, the distance felt between 2 individuals who want so badly to do things God's way but just can't seem to break free, the simple issues that face all of us come crashing in and the still small voice is temporarily lost in the madness. It is still there though...telling me it can be different. His ways are not mine and he has an answer in the madening chaos.

So this is where I have been this past week or so...learning to hear this voice of God in the storm, in the quiet, in the midst of whatever today holds. What the Lord has had to say has not been what I expected. Some of it I would probably would have preferred not to have heard. But the fact remains...he has spoken.

He has met me each time the tears have spilled over and this heart threatened to burst with pain and failure. Each time I felt like I can not breathe. When all I see around me is brokeness and no hope, I hear his gentle voice speak. He tells me He loves me. He is near. He has chosen me. He has a purpose. He delights in me. When the destructive lies flood my thoughts, the Lord has come to my defense and he has protected me with his great love.

He has reminded me that he has a plan and a purpose for my family. All is not lost despite what it may look like on the surface. He will bring fruit out of the storms and trials. He put us together perfectly. I know that in his perfect time he will perfect what he began in us.

He has placed a burning desire to know him. I can't be content any more to just sit back and play church. I can't stay in the back of the group watching from behind...longing to be warm but staying cold. He has invited me to join him at the fire and be warmed by his presence. The more I realize that all God wants from me is for me to be his and to know him, the more I am able to rest in his presence and let him do the work.

He has been at work on my perspective. He is changing me. I know he is. I know he is answering my prayers. One way I know...my children are changing. There is beginning to be a little more peace where there was strife. I am content. I am learning to delight in being a mom. Bed time used to be the worse time of the day for me. I just wanted to send everyone off to bed and be done. Now bedtime is a 2 hour adventure where I spend time with each child reading several chapters in a book together. The interaction has been priceless. The most incredible thing is that I don't dread it and I don't rush through it...God is changing me. I praise him for that.

As a side note...Please be in prayer for Jonathan. His tic has gotten worse. We have decided that we need to eliminate some of his medications. This is very scary for me. He has been so stable for such a long time. Taking away these meds are going to more than likely cause him to spiral downhill emotionally and behaviorally. We realize that this could become more than we can handle. The worst possible scenario is that they would have to hospitalize him until he was stable. This is something that I am laying at the Lord's feet tonight... I can't bear the thought of this...my heart would be just completely broken. This is the part of this cancer stuff that is torture...anyway, please just pray for answers, stability, and healing. Pray for us to be prepared in everyway for what lies ahead.

More later...