Sorry if you are squeamish....thought I would give a visual picture of Jon's newest accessory. This is our new best friend!!!! In about 4 weeks the long tube will be replaced with a small button. That is when it will be less of a problem and more of a blessing.

This week has been very crazy. Jon woke up Monday morning at 5 and proceeded to throw up 8 times in 3 hours. I took him to oncology clinic where they gave him two courses of IV zofran through his port and two bags of fluid. He is feeling much better. I think he may have gotten overheated in his sleep and it set off a chain reaction. I have been putting him to sleep with a heating blanket because he has been waking up hypothermic very often. But the blanket may have been a little too hot. Whatever the cause though he is doing great now. We go today to see the ENT about his nose which continues to give us a horrible time. Then we go to the endocrinologist for our last visit before we move.

Its hard to believe that we are actually doing "last" appointments with people who have been weekly/monthly parts of our lives for the past 6 years. I can't believe moving is becoming a reality. I guess that is why we are all in denial and can not muster up the energy to finish the cleaning, packing, and painting that needs to be done. Of course we will be in panic mode when the call finally comes and we have to rush to finish! Friday will be the 21 days from the appraisal so we should here all the details by Friday! We really need to hear something.

THe waiting is getting so hard. It is hard for the kids too. Please pray for Brittney. She cried for an hour last night about moving. She is having a hard time with leaving and staying. We are kind of stuck in limbo waiting and not knowing what is going to happen so it limits what you can do. Things will be much better once we have a plan.

Mya is being crabby so I better run.

She lights up my day!!!

I just have to share how God reminded me today that he will draw our children to him and will be faithful to accomplish his will inspite of our shortcomings. Brittney wrote the following essay today for a TAG project/writing contest. Maybe it will inspire us to gain a little character as well!

Character Essay
By Brittney


“Character is doing the right thing even when it costs more then you want to pay.” This quote by Michael Josephson means a lot to me. This really means to do the right thing when other people are being bad.
Jesus is my example of character. He always does every thing right when every one is doing bad. Jesus is always a good example. Like the time Jesus paid the price for our sins. This is how I look at it. Jesus risked his life by dying on the cross for us and he saved our lives because he did the right thing. Since Jesus did this I want to be more like him no matter what it costs me. For example at school if I had a friend and she did the wrong thing and I didn’t want to do that thing she might get mad and not want to be my friend any more. But did I do the right thing? Yes I did and did I lose something? Yes, I lost my friend.
If everyone would choose to do the right thing even if its hard, the world would be a better place to live. It takes courage to have character. This is one value I want in my life. Maybe my example will make someone else want to have character too!

Thank you for your prayers this morning. My sweet baby is sound asleep in her crib (this is a post surgery pic) and resting. We got to the surgery center at 6:45 and we left at 8:30 so she did very well. She was an unhappy little one for about 45 minutes and cried and cried. But after she threw up all over me at Target she finally felt better and went to sleep.

I think I could write a book about all of our experiences at Target. I am surprised people don't cringe when we walk in the door!

Anyway, I am going to go get things cleaned up while she is asleep. Thanks friends for covering us in your prayers this morning.

You would think after all the surgeries we have been through I wouldn't be so nervous...but this is my baby. She is having a very simple, very quick procedure being done to put ear tubes in tomorrow morning. All of my children have had tubes. So really this is no big deal.

Maybe it is because I just hoped she would be different. I tried hard but somethings are just genetically that way. I think she will feel so much better though. Poor thing... she has been sick for so long.

After tomorrow, the only major thing left to do is hear about our house and get things moving. Of course, that means I have to get back to cleaning. But for tonight there are matters of the heart that need to be answered. My heart is breaking over things I have no control over. I don't know what is right. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to proceed. I hate feeling torn between so many people that I love. I hate how horrible people can be to other people. I hate how complicated things can become. I hate that we can't just all live life simply the way God (not the world, not other christians, but God) tells us to. Seems things would just be better that way. Anyway, I am not sure where that all came from...just where I am tonight. Trying to focus on truth in the midst of sadness.

This morning things seem much better. Jon slept through the night. This morning he seems to have only slight pain. He was very happy to have his tube this morning... it is so lovely just to pour in a mixture of meds and watch in go right in. Reality has not yet hit Jon- he doesn't have to take his pills anymore!!! He keeps asking me if he has to take them by mouth.

Well, I have a birthday party to get ready for so I better get to work. Jason is finally having his party tonight. Only a month late! Then I am taking Brittney and two of her friends to the Hannah Montana Movie/Concert tonight. It should be a crazy day!

The past hour has made me regret the past 2 days. I know it will be worst before it gets better... I know it will be better soon. But right now listening to my poor boy cry and beg for someone to pray for him and hearing him tell his daddy that he hates his tube just about tore my heart out. How do I help him understand that the pain is temporary and each day it will get better and better and soon it will be like nothing is there at all?

We had an extremely long day and finally made it out of the hospital and home at 7:30 tonight. I will share more details tomorrow but for tonight will you just pray that Jon will have pain free night? Thank you.

Thank you for all of your prayers for Jonathan. The procedure went well. He had a little more pain than was expected but once they increased pain meds he was doing pretty good. I think he will have some pain for a few days but once he gets to use the tube he will be happy for it! He did get dehydrated- actually he went into it dehydrated but I didn't know it. After he had only gone to the bathroom once all day I was a little concerned. We finally got a doctor- thanks to our wonderful and persistent nurse- to order him fluids through his port overnight.

I could really feel your prayers and the presence of GOd last night. I became violently ill with a migraine around 11pm. By the time Shawn got to the hospital with medicine and they got everything squared away with Jon so I could leave I was throwing up, dizzy, and shaky. I was quite scared to drive. I could feel God's protection around me and the baby all the way home and had pain relief in my sleep without any more medication. So thank you friends for being faithful to pray.

I am on my way back to the hospital now. We will learn what to do with this tube and do his chemo. If his labs are good and eveything else is ok then we will be back home in a few hours.

Jonathan needs your prayers tomorrow morning! We got the approval from all the drs involved so tomorrow morning Jon will have a peg tube placed in his stomach. He is very excited...I am a little nervous. I hope we are making the right choice. I am so ready for some relief from the stress of pill taking that I am willing to try anything!

His surgery is scheduled for 10:30. It is a minor and quick procedure but they will keep him overnight for observation. Please pray for his body temp to be stable throughout the procedure and for there not to be any complications. If he is doing well afterwards then on Thursday morning they will give him his chemo before we leave for home.

I am so thankful for some friends of my children who's parents have allowed them to stay with them after school and spend the night. It is such a blessing to know my husband will be able to join us at the hospital in the evening and stay with us and not have to worry about the other kids!

Mya has her consultation at 3pm tomorrow so my grandma is going to sit with Jon while I run her over there. I am praying they can quickly schedule her ear tube surgery as well. The quicker the better for all of us!!!!

Thank you for your prayers and your friendship! (The pic is of Jon and his best friend Noah)

It's so quiet I don't know what to do!!!

It is a very rare moment at my house. Mya is sound asleep. All the kids, including Jonathan, are at school. My husband is at work and I am here in the kitchen drinking coffee in the total quiet. Its so quiet that I don't really know what to do!!! Kind of like when you go to the grocery store alone and it takes 3 hours of wandering aimlessly to get even half of your list...all of you moms know what I am talking about. You finally get time to do what you want/need to and you can't because you can only function in chaos.

So a quick update... Jon is going to the surgeon on Monday morning to set up the time for a g-tube. Please pray that we make the right decisions and that there will be no complications or problems. Pray for a quick surgery date. Mya goes Wednesday morning for a consult with the ENT for ear tubes. I have put it off as long as I can... I think she really needs the intervention. Its going to be a busy month....

One more thing to share- today while I was packing I came across a little thing I wrote when I was in Peru many many years ago. I have been looking forward and have actually felt a little panicked that it might be lost. I wanted to share it with you.

The night has ended and now dawn is arriving. I can see her on the horizon peeking through the black stillness with brilliant rays of light. The heart leaps with new found hope at the sight. A sight so reving for a well wearied soul to behold.

Eyes heavy with sorrow lift to gaze upon the sight, a stray tear falls and disappears in the sonlight. The days have been dark, silent, not an answer to shatter the stillness. My heart has clung to words heard before- this too will pass.

How the sky must be so dark for the picture to be so bright. The beauty must not be lost among light soft whisps of cloud-only the deep darkness portrays the color in bold display. So, an eye without a tear, never sees the rainbow. Gold without fire will never shine pure. Clay without heat will never be firm. A soul without wind will never learn to find refuge.

One who doesn't learn to walk in the dark trusting will never follow in the light. Here in the dark, I feel my masters hand. Its here that I feel his tight grip, his arms embracing me. Without rocks to stumble over, I'd never know what it was to have Him pick me up.

And this weary soul would never know rest, if it were always dawn. In the dark silence, I hear a voice, " Come..."

I just have to take a moment to brag on the two hard working men in my life. My husband is an incredible man. He has overly impressed me this past few days. We have spent the entire past week getting our house ready for the appraisal process. Shawn was off Sat, Sun, Mon and Tuesday. This was a huge blessing because there was so much to be done! I love to watch my husband work. I love to work with him. Something about watching him work hard for our family...getting dirty and creating something just makes me feel so attracted to him. I long for him and am so thankful for him when he is doing things to update our home. I am especially happy when we can deal with the stressful situation like this and actually be peaceful with each other and our children. It was such a miracle to not have one cross word spoken to each other the entire time! I do think God is working on us!!!!
The other man I must brag on is my dad. I don't really tell him enough how much I appreciate him. My mom an dad both gave up the entire weekend and then some to come here and help us with whatever needed done. My dad came after working all day and spent 5 hours laying this beautiful new kitchen floor that Mya is sitting on in the picture! I was amazed and reminded again of the beauty of truth when my parents jumped right in to help meet the need.

So here is just a sampling of everything we accomplished this weekend- the entire hallway and stairwell have new paint, the trim in the whole upstairs is a bright clean white, there are 8 brand new 6 panel doors up that have brought my house into the modern era, the bathtub is sporting new grout, the kitchen cabinets have been scrubbed and all the handles replaced, and a new kitchen floor has been laid. The floor is so wonderful...it is actually some sort of vinyl that locks together like hard wood and actually looks like hardwood. The appraiser actually thought it was real wood!!! I feel spoiled and blessed. I am thankful I get to enjoy it just enough for it not to be destroyed by little hands, Jon's numerous craft projects and that inevitable irreversible stain!

The first appraisal was this morning. The second one is tomorrow along with the market analysis. Then we wait and pray. Please pray that God will provide exactly the right offer. He knows our need and the desire of our hearts. I know he is bigger than the economy and housing market.

In other news, Jon has chemo tomorrow. I am praying that they will not keep him for fluid. I have tried hard to keep him hydrated but he is feeling so bad that it has been difficult. It is such a difficult balance. I am hoping to get a definitive answer tomorrow about the gtube and an appt for it. We also have a little bit of a stomach bug going through right now- pray that Jon will not get it.

It's Been Way Too Quiet Around Here!!!!

Long time no blog, huh? Sorry friends! Just have a lot on my plate and not alot of time to think through a blog that would even make sense. So here is a run down of this past week:

* Mya begins running a fever Sunday afternoon. It continues through Thursday morning. At one point her fever was as high as 104.5. A little bit scary to me... although the most concerning part was that her feet, hands, and lips appeared a little discolored. We knew the fever was from two infected ears. But a quick listen to her breathing makes me wonder if we have another case of Reactive Airway aka Asthma in the family. We waited so long for antibiotics because we wanted her to get into the ear dr. but they were not able to work me in this week and our appt is Jan. 30. Hopefully we can get tubes put in and get her some relief before we move!

* Tuesday afternoon the paper arrives to begin the official moving process. Within hours appraisers, relo specialists, and realtors began calling. So began the incredible chaotic and slightly overwhelming task of packing, cleaning, repairing, and remodeling to prepare for the best possible appraisal and offer. A little hard to do when the sick baby won't let you put her down! Thankfully my mom and dad have come to the rescue. My mom came Thursday, Friday, and today to help us with whatever needs to be done. Shawn and my dad put on 8 new doors today!!! What a job but they look so beautiful. Its a shame I have to move in a few weeks when we finally get everything looking so great!

* Wednesday- we finally get to visit with my sister, her husband, and their two kids who are in town from Alaska. The picture above is of Mya and her cousin. We were attempting to take pics of the cousins but the lighting was not cooperating very well. We got a few good ones though. Shawn also had to go out of town for work... bad timing but providential for him.

* Jon had chemo thursday. He is slightly dehydrated and his white count was elevated... he has a bad sinus infection and cough and he is losing his voice. His ears are full of fluid. The poor kid doesn't feel good! Hopefully we can get the antibiotic down him and it will work. I am still waiting for the dr to set up the surgery for his tube. We agree that it is good but I know the oncologist is a little worried about it. I am praying for patience and the right timing.

We were supposed to have, in the middle of this craziness, Jason's birthday party. I feel so bad... his birthday was Dec. 28th and we still have not had his party!!! Well, I was worried that no one would come since it was such short notice and we were so busy with the house that I felt like we should cancel it and reschedule it. So I did- good thing too because last night Jason went to a friends house and threw up three times. Then Brittney woke up this morning after spending the night with her friend at this same house and threw up... YUCK!!!! So we may have the beginning of another lovely stomach bug.

So now I am off to sleep before its morning and we start all the excitement over again! I will be back again as soon as I get a chance!!!!

This is a bad picture but I felt I had to put some kind of Colorado picture in here... this is from last summer when we went out to visit. We had gone to the park with my in laws.

Its hard to believe I am moving back to where it snows. Its hard to believe I am willingly going. Its hard to believe this is happening so fast. We are still waiting for our relo packet. Once that arrives it will be crazy. One of Shawn's friends estimated we would have our appraisal within a week... that means there is a massive amount of things to be done! I am thinking that if I can do a whirlwind of work between now and then the next 8 weeks will be easy- there will be very little to clean up if it is all packed, right?

We took what may be our last trip to Atlanta this morning. Thankfully we left at 4:30. The traffic was awful once we got to the outskirts of town. We made it just in time. Today Jon, Britt, and Josh went to the neurologist. Josh is going to be taking a preventative for the migraines. We are going to try Topamax daily and see if it helps calm things down a little. I hate for him to experience such severe pain so hopefully it will work. The trip down and back and the appt went well. Only one major crisis- Jon decided to choke on his lunch and throw up all over himself, the table and the floor. Needless to say every one's appetite was spoiled and we got the rest of lunch to go. After a pit stop to Target for new clothes we were on our way!

Tomorrow is chemo day...pray that I can convince the drs that he needs this tube in his stomach to help him. I need to get it done before we move. This would be so wonderful for Jon and the rest of us.

IT'S OFFICIAL!!!!

We are Colorado Bound. Shawn accepted the offer Saturday to relocate to Colorado Springs. This is an incredibly huge change for our whole family...good and bad, happy and sad. It will definitely be an adventure. We are scheduled to move the first week of April...Shawn begins work on April 7. So let the craziness begin...or continue...or whatever....

It will be a whirlwind of activity in our home for the next 10 weeks...its hard to believe we will begin a new life in just that short amount of time. Please pray for all the details, transitions, and emotions. I will keep you all posted.

MRI is STABLE!!!!!!

We are home from Atlanta and everything is good. There are no significant changes in Jon's tumor. He definately still has a massive sinus infection. I am going to try to get in touch with the ENT and see if there is anything different we can do for him... his next appt is not until Feb. But he is so miserable.

I was so happy following the appt with the oncologist today...we discussed the problem we have with his meds. I am at a point of desperation with his pill taking. It takes at least an hour and a half each night to get the pills down. For the first time today someone had a solution that might really work-either a NG tube or NJ tube... of course, there is no way he would tolerate a tube in his nose. But a tube in his stomach would be a real possibilty. The thought of not having to force pills down his throat is very appealing to me. So Thursday morning I will be heading to clinic ready to push for this happening very soon. God knows we needed an answer for this quickly.

Well, I better get to bed. There is more to update about soon but for now my pillow is calling my name!

Greetings from Atlanta! Two days down, one more to go.... Jon has had his MRI yesterday morning and his testing today. We will get the MRI results tomorrow and the testing will be back in about 3 weeks.

Overall this has been a good trip...we spent the day at the North Point Mall yesterday. Brittney was ecstatic to be able to go to the new American Girl store. It was quite the place. Mya was not too happy about seeing her bitty baby on the shelf. She kept trying to get it off and into her arms. Everyone is now the proud owner of their very own webkinz...Brittney got one for her birthday and the boys really wanted one. Jon got one as a gift at the hospital yesterday so they just had to have one.

Mya has been so sick... thankfully the ibuprofen seems to be helping. I think she probably needs ear tubes... honestly, even though it is just a minor surgery I just don't want to deal with another thing. Today she spent the day with me at the psychology office...she was disgustingly funny... her nose is so stuffy and runny that when she sucks her thumb she sounds awful. She started sucking her thumb to purposely make the nasty sound and then laughed about it.

I could really use your prayers... I am struggling with so many emotions that I can't think straight. I feel as though I am sliding into the depths of despair.... I don't want to go into detail tonight...just don't have the emotional energy but please just pray...God knows what I need... he seems to be engaged in the battle for my heart!

I will post again tomorrow when we know the results of Jon's scan.

We are off to Atlanta!!! We will be in Atlanta for 3 days this trip and are looking forward to making it a mini vacation. Jon is scheduled for his MRI scan at 8 am tomorrow morning. On Thursday he has a neuropsych evaluation all day. The rest of us are going to swim in the hotel pool all day. On Friday morning we will meet with the oncologist and get the results of the scan. Jon is also going to get his chemo while we are in Atlanta. He is quite nauseated today so I am praying for an easy trip...and will make sure to have a big puke bowl with us!!!

I will update as soon as I can. Thanks for your prayers. Pray also for everyone to get well...Mya has had a fever the past 2 days and a yucky cough...this sickness has to end soon.I am not sure how much more I can deal with.

Merry Christmas to all our friends!!!! I hope that each of you have had a wonderful time with your families and friends this past few days.

We for the first time in quite a while have all really enjoyed our time together. Shawn has said several times how these past two days have been some of the best positive interaction we have had with our children in a very long time. He keeps saying how this is one of the best Christmas' he can remember us having. And it is true: we have had very little fighting, alot of laughing, and spent a lot of time together. It has been an incredible blessing that even in the midst of even more sickness we are having a great time together.

So here are some of our blessings this season:

1. We got a Wii. I never thought I would count a video game system as a blessing but it really is. This is a huge part of why we have had such a good time these past few days. The games are very interactive. The whole family plays together- either with or competing against each other. It has been a blast. We have discovered that we have quite the "bowler" in our family. Brittney takes the lead in bowling on the wii- she bowled a 200 on her last game! This picture is Jason discovering the wii!

2. We have heard several very genuine " Thank You Daddy/Mommy" these past few days. This has warmed my heart tremendously.

3. Sickness. Tonight my Josh is wheezing pretty badly. He has finally gone to sleep and hopefully as he rests so will his lungs. Between his coughing, wheezing and resulting severe headaches, several children with upset stomachs resulting in multiple loads of laundry, sore throats, and goopy eyes we have had our fill of germs. But this has caused us to slow down. Relax and not try to accomplish so many things. This year I forced myself to not go crazy with baking etc. I tried really hard to just enjoy the time with the kids and to rest. I am thankful that God has provided us with a man who works hard to provide us insurance and money so we can get medicine and go to the doctor. I am thankful for good doctors who take such good care of us. I am thankful that we were all able to be together on Christmas without a trip to the emergency room. I am thankful that its not as bad as it could be.

4. Friends. I am so thankful for the special friend I have who made it a point to call me on Christmas! This made me feel so loved! I am so thankful at the opportunity God may give us to be able to live in the same city for the first time in our lives. We have been friends for 14 years and have never been in the same state... our friendship was ordained by God and has endured the span of time and distance. And in my recent struggles and feelings of despair and loneliness this special friend has really been God's way of reaching out and touching my heart. We are both eagerly anticipating the announcement of our move so we can begin to dream of the reality of spending time together. It was fun to talk of how we will do things together next year for our kids birthdays or for the holidays... God knows how badly I dream of a friend to do these things with. Starbucks will be so wonderful when I can once again share it with a friend! =)

5. I guess the last thing I want to share tonight is I am thankful for hope. I am so thankful that God gives us a brand new each day. I am thankful that there is still hope for what lies on the horizon of my life. There is a grand plan. God will use me again. He will accomplish his will for my family. He will love my children and husband through me. He will give us a purpose and a vision. He will give us a place to belong. So for tonight I am so thankful that there is so much more that what these eyes can see... I am thankful for all God allows us to not have so that we will hunger for more of what if real and eternal.

Now this thankful heart is going to bed before the baby wakes up again... she didn't go to sleep last night until almost 3. Sleep well, friends!!!

Just a quick update...I didn't have time to post over the weekend. Please keep praying for Jon. Pray specifically that he will be able to take his medication without any anxiety or gagging. On Thursday he had, we believe, a form of a seizure as we were leaving to go to clinc for his chemo visit. He couldn't stand up without falling over. His eyes were seeing double and he was dizzy. He said his eyeballs were going around in a circle. He slept all the way to the hospital. We did a CT scan which was stable so we think it was a seizure- possibly induced by inconsistent levels of his medication. We are waiting to get back the results of his blood work showing the level.

Pray also for all the illness in our house to go away... I can't keep Jonathan well when everyone else is sick. Josh is having a hard time right now- asthma, allergies, a cold, maybe pink eye on top of an upset stomach. I am counting down the days to school being out so maybe we can recover.

Off to clean the house...

Christmas Cards in the Making...

I attempted christmas pictures the other day while Shawn was in Ohio. It was quite the challenge. I am not sure if I am pleased enough to keep these. What do you think???? Any of these ones winners? Their shirts by the way say, " Dear Santa, I was framed"

A Day Well Lived!!!

Yesterday was a perfect day to burn off energy outside. I was so happy to have all my housework done and nothing else that had to occupy my time. We all went out and played. Jon played baseball. Mya ran all over the yard- she is loving being a big girl. The other boys were "survivoring" with their new survivor handbook. They were pulling up rocks looking for bugs to eat! Josh said he would eat anything if he had to in order to survive! Brittney became the new photographer... we switched places and she took pictures while Mommy played. The pictures of me with Mya she took...not bad, huh? I am still "high" from my wonderful day yesterday... how refreshing to have a day well lived, filled with peace and strength from God and not one single tear!!!! Today is Brittney's actual birthday so once Jon and Mya wake up we are off to the store (which could be scary in the truck that I have never driven) to get roses for her from Daddy (who is in Ohio). Then we will head to the school for lunch with the birthday girl.

P.S. I forgot the most important thing....I know several of you are anxiously awaiting the big news about Colorado that we were supposed to get today. Well, as is the norm for our lives, the grand opening for the Colorado store has been postponed another month. So that means the decisions of who goes have been postponed as well. It looks like it will be January before we have confirmation. But we have a pretty good feeling that we may be heading back west before we know it. Until then we continue preparing to leave but living like we are staying.

Onward we go towards the goal....

This has been a week of constant battle. Thank you friends for praying diligently for us. I know God is working... I can see him transforming us. Exciting things are on the horizon if we can only hold on until then. One of my favorite teachers, Chip Ingram, says that we usually give up and quit just before things take a turn for the good. So this morning my heart is committed to press on and not quit.

Some highlights of the weekend: Brittney had a delightful 9th birthday Friday night. It was a lot of fun to watch these girls sing and dance and laugh together. We had a high school musical theme. I am always so amazed at the girl Brittney is becoming. I am so proud of her. She has had to deal with so much in these past nine years... and through it all she is becoming strong in her faith in Christ and such a sweet servant.

Added to the drama of the week- I was leaving to go get my sister to babysit for us last night and tonight and the van start hesitating and shaking. It has been having issues lately anyway. I tried accelerating through it but by the time I got to the main road it was obvious it was not going to stop. As I pulled onto the interstate the engine light started blinking rapidly. So I pulled back off and went back home. We barely made it through the intersection. Kinda freaky for me...I hate driving and really hate car issues. So Shawn left work early so we could figure out a plan to get to church. We were determined to be there. He had to go to Ohio this morning so I was going to be stranded without a working vehicle...but last night he and his friend from work put a starter in the truck (which I have never driven and makes me nervous but is here for an emergency). Another friend graciously drove Shawn to the airport this morning at 5:30am.

So here we are...on this beautifully foggy morning enjoying peace in our hearts, quiet in the house, warm coffee and gluten free blueberry muffins listening to a teaching on autentic community. All is well in my soul this morning despite the craziness that storms around me.

Fear. That is what has seized my heart tonight. Tears of fear. Exhaustion. Confusion. Frustration. Sheer Helplessness. So many thoughts. No words other than Fear. I long for the days when throwing up was just a normal sign of a stomach bug. I long for the days when I didn't look at my children and feel like I am facing death right in its eyes. I look only long enough to feel the slight twinge of what that loss would be like and I have to turn away. My heart can't bear to even consider what could become a real possibility. All I want to do is run...

There is no where to run. There is not one place that we could run to where all this would not follow. No place. There is only one place where all of this can be faced with courage... at the feet of Jesus. Tonight I am so very aware that God and I have some heart to heart conversing to do. He needs to talk and I need to listen. I need to stay a moment longer and actually consider all that he whispers in my ear as he holds me close.

Tonight the sick storm rages on... My poor husband is still battling whatever it is that has hit him. Maybe the flu? Who knows. Its awful. He called in sick today and he never ever calls in sick. I finally made it the store to buy him some sudafed ( I lost my driver's license and since you can't buy sudafed without it I was sort of out of luck until I found it this afternoon.) As I was heading back home I called to check in and Josh who has been battling a headache had thrown up all over my bed. He is the one who is causing fear in my heart tonight. I am kicking myself for not taking him to Atlanta. I know that I did what was right and that I was supposed to stay here. But I am afraid. He is resting peacefully now with migraine meds and zofran... as long as he stays that way I am ok. It is very tempting to scoop him up and take him to the ER. I know they would do a CT scan if I asked.

Please keep praying friends. I know that what we are facing is not anything more that what most of you are probably dealing with right now yourselves with sickness going around full force. Everything for us though is viewed through a shaded lens. And it really stinks sometimes. I can deal with the sickness. I can handle vomit, blood, and tears. The fear is a whole other thing in itself. So please just pray for peace. Thank you.

Well, the good news and the bad news.... The good is that we know what Jon has and it is treatable with antibiotics. He has strep throat. That combined with the stomach bug was enough to knock this little guy out! The bad news was that he was so dehydrated that he had to stay at the clinic and have iv fluid and iv antibiotics for several hours. We were blessed by a dear friend in the midst of this 6 1/2 hour hospital visit.... food from chick fil a!!!! What sweet blessing this was to my starving body- it always amazes me how God meets our needs in the least expected ways. Thank you Beth for being God's love to me today. Hopefully, Jon will be feeling better tomorrow morning. He is still feeling pretty yucky.

Shawn's birthday was today.... 37 years old!!!! Josh asked him he was walking like grandpa now... and if he was wobbly. That was one of the bright moments in the day. Unfortunately, Shawn got the nice birthday present of a fever, aches, and chills. So he is out on the couch! I think this sick stuff has got to stop. We haven't been this contaminated in a long while!

Well, I am off to bed... to make things even more crazy I have to work tomorrow morning. Not sure how I am going to pull this one off. All I know if 4 am comes awfully early. And I have only slept 2 hours since Saturday night. Mya decided she couldn't sleep last night and was awake until 4:30 and Josh woke up at 4. So I am in desperate need of sleep. More tomorrow...thanks for your diligent prayers!

Please keep praying for Jon. He is really not feeling well. He is pretty nauseated and worn out. His appetite is gone. He has had such a hard time taking his meds the past couple of days because he is so nauseated that I don't know what symptoms are caused by what. I am worried about dehydration mainly. His speech is slurring a little tonight which is bothersome as well.

I am going to call the oncologist in the morning and see if they will see him. Maybe they can just give him some fluids in the clinic and we can get things moving towards feeling better. I will post again after I know what is going on. Thanks for your prayers.

This has been a rather difficult day. Well, maybe difficult is not the right word. Its just one of those days where everything feels so off and you are just holding your breath waiting for it to be over. Brittney gave me some wonderful advice this afternoon... she said it would all be better in our home if we would read the bible every night. Isn't that priceless? It just crushed my prideful heart and left a gaping wound... if she only could understand how much I long for things to be as they were intended in our home.

I guess I could sum up the day as a day needing much prayers... We have been battling a stomach bug in our house this entire week. The kids stayed home today from school. I just needed them to have time to get well. I went to therapy and got fussed at for not coming for 10 days... I wanted to tell them to spend just five minutes in my shoes and they would see how much of a miracle it is that I have made it as many visits as I have. Now what I really need is therapy for my heart!!! (Just kidding...sort of.) The last 10 days have been so insane.

When we I got home we worked on cleaning up the house so we could put the tree up and then went out for lunch. I was impressed that lunch went as well as it did....two of the boys also got haircuts. Jason's hair has been so wildly out of control that he has been calling himself a mad scientist. The other day he did his hair with this huge curly wave in the front and said he was a Frenchman!

Unfortunately, the day went down hill from there... I am just a scrooge... I really need a heart adjustment. I don't know what is wrong but I just really am having a hard time with the noise level and the demands and just everything. I honestly just want to lay down and sleep for a very long time. It kills me to think of how many bad memories my attitude is creating... I want desperately to have fun with my family but everything feels like work. Thank God after a little break we were able to come together and get the tree up and the night calmed down.

The most concerning part about the day is that Jonathan is sick. He is really having a hard time today. He has been unable to take any of his medicine today. He is very nauseated. His stomach is upset. I am worried because his sodium levels were already high and he is at high risk for dehydration. Please pray for this bug to pass quickly from him. I am positing a picture of his hand. You can see how his finger is curled up. ONe of the other brain tumor parents mentioned that her son lost full function of his hands and they used an amino acid called Glutamate to bring back the function. I have been trying to find this medicine for the past year without any success here locally. But I am going to hunt some down and see if it will bring some improvement.

I guess now that the house is quiet and everyone is asleep I better join them. Have a great night!

Jon had his chemo this morning. His regular doctor was not there today. Overall, he is ok. But there is something weird happening with his hands. We are not sure what is going on or what is happening. Both of his pinkie fingers stay in a crooked almost drawn up position. They can be physically straightened but when he opens his hands and stretches them out his pinkies don't follow. The dr. today seemed concerned that there maybe something going on in his brain... so we are going to wait one more week and if it is still going on I am going to call the oncologist in Atlanta and see what she says. He is supposed to have another scan on Jan 2.

In the meantime a nasty stomach bug has made its way through our house. I started it with a vicious headache and throwing up on Tuesday. Josh soon followed. Mya was struck by it in the middle of Target tonight... if you end up there stay clear of the dressing room and the boys clothing section!!! Britt went to bed with a bucket. Its quite lovely around here. I think we are going to all stay home tomorrow and in our jammies all day... maybe a quarantine for the weekend will be enough to get everyone well.

Thank you for your prayers for us. I have a feeling this may be a long night and I may have plenty of time to consider those posts of deeper meaning that I have been wanting to write.

I have been quite neglectful of this blog lately... I guess too much to write about but I just can't find the words. Honestly, its more like having the energy and time to think through what I want to write. Its been an amazing few weeks or so of seeing God's hand in circumstances. Its been good and it has been incredibly difficult.

Just a quick update on the kiddos... Josh was supposed to go to Atlanta today for an "urgent" appt...but Shawn went to Ohio, it was raining sheets of rain, and the van is having issues. So I canceled it. Ever since I made his appt because of increasing severe migraines almost daily he has not had one headache. What is up with that? So we are going to be in Atlanta the first part of January for a few days and we will see whats up then.


Jon is doing ok... he is having some problems with food tasting nasty...thus he really eats very little. Thank God for chocolate milk. That is probably the only thing that has kept him from losing weight. He is quite thrilled that he has lost enough hair that his hair will now spike!!!!

Everyone else is just plugging along... we are waiting for word about whether we will be a part of the team that is opening the brand new Carmax in Colorado Springs. If so then we will be heading back west in a few short months. A few months ago we would have been wholeheartedly ready to go...now we are starting to reconnect with people again, get involved in a church where we really could be a part of it, and seeing God move in out hearts and lives and now we are slightly torn. BUt as it is in so many other ways we are sure that God is preparing us for what lies ahead... and this time of growth will be so important for the next stage.

I will update more soon...just as soon as I can formulate the thoughts into words.

Brittney's Avatar named Abby

Update on Lukas...

I picked up his blood work today and after we went over it and did more research it looks a little more encouraging. It looks like there is a very good possibility that his platelets being high are due to being severely anemic. Thank you for your prayers. He goes back to the dr. in a few weeks...we will keep praying for them to have wisdom and the ability to help.

Please pray for Lukas and his family today. This is my sweet nephew. He has been through so much physically in his few short months. Just this past week the doctors have begun to investigate whether he has some sort of blood disease. He has the symptoms of a very rare form of leukemia but it almost never occurs in children so they are trying to to look for other possible causes.

My sister and her husband are seeking the Lord for wisdom to know whether to push for more aggressive investigation, seek second opinions, or just wait out these next couple of weeks. It is a frustrating and emotionally tormenting situation to be in.

Also, pray for Jon today as well. He goes in for his chemo this morning. Already he is not starting the day off very well. He is nauseated so he is having trouble with his meds. He couldn't take them last night. I am sure his sodium levels will be high today. We don't have milk (since I haven't made it to the store yet) so he is not drinking. And he has been awake since before 5 and is quite on edge. Pray for God to give me patience... I am not in the mood to deal with his melt downs today!

I just have to share.... Tonight I made a special holiday/winter dinner for my children. They didn't all eat it or enjoy it but I know they will remember this meal for a long time. It was fun to make for them...

ON THE MENU:

Meatball Snowmen complete with mashed potato snow

Marshmellow snowballs

French fries for arms and for Jon to dip in honey mustard. Also, Jason ate his "snowballs" attached to french fries dipped in his peaches! Yumm...

Hot Chocolate with peppermint mocha coffee cream and two candy canes to stir with.

I must tell you that these past two nights have been the least stressful and most enjoyable with my kids. It takes a little bit longer to get them through the night time routine but at least this way their needs are met and they are going to bed with a full tummy and a full heart. It has made me feel so much better... knowing that I am spending time with them reading the bible, praying, laughing, playing, and reading books together individually and together before bed. It is funny but it almost takes less energy to do it right than it does to do it wrong!!! Thank you for your prayers and kind encouragement my friends these past few days. I am very blessed.

What Good Moms Do...

These pictures made me think of a conversation I had with Jason last night. We read a book together before bed. This is not his favorite thing to do. He was in a big hurry to get back to watching a movie. After we were done reading I said " Don't you think that is what good moms do? Make their kids read stories before they go to sleep? Isn't it good to practice reading? " Jason sat still and quiet for a moment and all of sudden replied, " Good moms let their sons tackle them!" and he jumped in my arms. And in that moment my heart warmed and said one small prayer- thank you God for strengthening me to be a good mom in this moment.

Maybe for the next few days I will celebrate the ways I know God is strengthening me to be a "good" mom in his definition of good. This may be a good way to keep the negative away!

Have a wonderful day!!!!

Fall is coming closer to an end and winter is about to descend upon us. I fear though that winter descended long ago upon my heart and made it icy cold. Fortunately, God doesn't let it stay that way too long before he breaks through with his truth and sets me free from the icy prison. Its sometimes quite painful as the ice melts and he blows his warm truth and love upon us. Its hard work to emerge from a lifetime of wrong thinking and feeling and actively choose to be transformed by his word. That's where I am today... wanting desperately to be freed and transformed. I have wandered too long in this icy prison!

God always surprises me in how he chooses to orchestrate circumstances and timing to bring about transformation in our lives. No matter how painful it is I am always so encouraged to see his hand in something that is happening in my life. Its like his reminder that he is in it and he is working so I can trust him no matter how bad it hurts or doesn't make sense.

This morning I found myself drawn back to a book I read recently called " Loving God with All Your Mind" by Elizabeth George. The truths in this book are life changing. Although I still have not grasped the truth and applied completely I know that God is using it to change how I view and respond to life. I am praying God will make it a natural part of my life to look at things through his word, his perspective, and the lens of truth. The main premise of the book is to think only upon what is truth. Not what I think, others think, or circumstances may be or appear to be. But the truth...

One area that I am really struggling in is whether I am able to be the mom and wife I know my family needs. Deep in my heart I really feel like a failure in this area. I really have believed that it would be better for my family if I was not a part of their lives. I live in fear that I will destroy them due to harsh words, lack of training, wrong choices etc. I am not really doing anything more or less than most... just struggling with surviving. The conflict comes in wanting to do and be so much more and than falling short. The more I think I am not a good mom or wife the more I become depressed and despair and then become suffocated by this thinking and it results in negative actions. When I feel and think that I am doing a good job then I really do a good job... I have positive interaction and motivation with them. So even here the key is to think the truth and not believe the paralyzing lies that Satan sends in order to destroy me!

The truth for me today is this: God chose ME to be the perfect mate for my husband. I know he brought us together to bring him glory and to use us greatly. Regardless of our choices or circumstances this is the truth. So I will choose to act on that truth today...any other thoughts are not true and are not of God.

God chose ME to be the mother of five wonderful children. This means that he has gifted me and equipped me with all that I need to be able to meet their needs, to teach them and live for them the truths of Jesus, and to be all that being a mom means. What this also means is that he did not make me in the image of all the other mothers out there. That is not to be my standard... perhaps someone else has children who are calm, well behaved, the image of "perfect". Those children are not my children. I can not look at that example and measure my success on whether my kids turn out the same as someone else's children. I have been given 5 unique little hearts to shape and mold according to their own needs and personalities. God has his plan and the way he made me fits into the way they need to be mothered. Simply, no one else could be a better mother to them than me. That is the truth...

So today my energy will be focused on being that mother for them. I will seek God for the wisdom to know how to raise them according to his standard and plan for their individual hearts. Rather than wasting my energy feeling sad and despairing over failure because they are not "good" like other people's kids. In reality they are good... they are full of life, energy, excitement, and adventure. They have dealt with more in their few short years than most other kids ever will in their lifetime...and the truth is they love Jesus. Nothing else really matters does it?

Calgon Take Me Away!!!

(my version of calgon comes in a hot cup of any variety...starbucks, dunkin donuts, home brewed with lots of cream. Any way I can find it as long as it is hot, creamy, and frothy it will do the trick! Now off to put my kids to bed so I can brew me a fresh cup of peppermint mocha with peppermint mocha cream...mmmmmm)

How do babies grow up so fast? This one is really bothering me today. I am not ready for her to grow up. Life is too crazy, too much of a mess right now. I am scared that she will move so quickly into the next stage of life and I will not be able to make it a positive one. Does that make sense? I don't want to wound her heart like I know I have so many times in the other kids. I don't want to... it happens and I hate it. So I look at her and it makes me cry- how does it change so fast. I want to enjoy her a little longer.

As you can probably tell it has been a rough day. I guess what goes up must come down. I have been on a "mountain top" for the past 2 days. Rejoicing and anticipating change in my life, marriage, family, heart. And here on the brink of a great victory comes a crashing weight. The battle is tough, my friends. Some days it feels like I am drowning. It sucks the energy out of me. I feel so unable to be some one's wife, some one's mom, some one's friend. Ugly attitudes creep in in the midst of my weariness and leaves me feeling the unbearable burden of guilt after I have bit some one's head off.

Pray for us tonight if you so feel led. We must walk this life together. I need you. You need me.

I am off to rest in the shadow of his mighty wings...I just might not come out for a very long time!

Brittney had quite the scare last night. The kids were outside climbing in trees while Jon was having his school with his teacher. Josh came running in the house upset and grabbed my phone to call Shawn. He was determined Daddy had to come home and deal with Jason- his words to Shawn sounded like...Jason...Can't breath... down... It touched my heart to see Josh feel so protective of his sister all though his facts were slightly off. Poor Jason was on the verge of being attacked by his brother for something he didn't do.

What happened? Britt fell out of tree. She was reaching for Jason's socks and fell face first out of the tree on to the ground. It knocked the wind out of her (thus the not breathing part) and she caught her lip on a branch so she had a little blood. She tried to brace herself with her arms so they got quite the jolt. But no broken bones. She was rescued by "angels" disguised as leaves.

It is never boring at our house. One drama or adventure after another. One heart ache after another. One tear, one smile. One fight, one giggle. But always busy and loud, and chaotic. I think I love it. At least today I do.

*Jonathan's info updated on his caringbridge page. Follow link on this page to read more.

Peace. Peace that comes from only one place. Peace that surpasses all understanding. How I pray for this peace! This week I have been given a small taste of what this peace is. For me, this peace has come from obedience. God has spoken to my heart and then asked me to respond... until I obeyed there was turmoil. But how sweet the peace that fell upon my aching torn heart and soul once I obeyed!!!

Its amazing to me how fast things change... So many emotions, circumstances, and thoughts can fill each moment of time. This morning I am so grateful for a rock of truth to firmly plant my mind upon. I have found myself really struggling with truth and lies. I cannot keep my mind set upon the truth. But I know who is truth and today I run to his presence- this is the only choice that brings life. I cling to the promise found in Isaiah 26:3- You will keep him in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. I am praying God will make my mind steadfastly set upon him- I know too well how easily I can wander!

This week was a major test of obedience. It was a struggle. So many conflicting thoughts and feelings. Too much that doesn't make sense. But there was that quiet voice pressing inside me that led the way. I felt an intense urgency that I needed to quit my job. This is a post all in itself. I will post more when I have it formulated in my mind. I want to share the beautiful things I have gleaned from that experience. I attempted to turn in my notice but my boss would not have that...so they have left me on the payroll and I will work when I feel like it! I have peace about this option. I needed things to balance back out and not be interfering with my family.

This urgency made me feel as though something was terribly wrong or something was going to happen if I continued working like I was. I had no idea what it was... it was only one day later that God revealed to me what the problem was. And truly this would have been a major life crisis if I had not obeyed. I was so excited to see how God led me and enabled me to obey. And then to see why... what is so cool is how interrelated life is... so many times we try to seperate the physical life from our spritual life. But God is in it all!!! I never would have guessed that my quitting my job was so God could use it to bring me and my husband to a greater realization of our need for him and the direction we have been begging him for our family.

Of course, the moment we set sail on a straight course towards the goal the storm starts brewing. The attacks come flying in and we are threatened to turn back, give in, surrender to the enemy. That was my day yesterday. I could feel the war raging. I know it will get worse before it gets better...but I am determined to hide in the presence of God under his wings, recieving his strength and vision and let him fight for me until the storm blows past and I am firmly planted.

What does a person write about at 3am???? Coffee of course! Caffiene...hopefully it will get me through this day...3 hours before the morning begins and yesterday has never ended!

Seems to be how it goes. Daddy goes out of town and things are just weird at our house. I can count at least one child with a fever or illness of some sort. I can always count on someone being awake before the sun... This week Mya is the culprit. An ear infection has brought the fever. Pain, treated by ibuprofen and tylenol, has been replaced with a giddy mood. I had to double check that it was just ibuprofen she had! The child woke up 4 times in the 3 hours she did sleep. And has still not gone back to sleep since midnight. She sang for awhile. Tossed and turned. Cried. Talked.

Finally I gave up. If I am not going to sleep might as well be up, right? So I am having my first cup of coffee and baking bread for breakfast since I got my new shipment of flour yesterday!

I have had a lot on my mind and much to pray about today so I am thanking God for the early morning quiet. Perhaps my little angel will sleep all morning...then I can process all that is happening in my heart. I will leave you with these lyrics from a Steven Curtis Chapman song that really blessed me the other day.

I watch you looking out across the raging water

So sure your only hope lies on the other side

You hear the enemy that's closing in around you

And I know that you don't have the strength to fight

But do you have the faith to stand and...

Believe Me now Believe Me here Remember all the times I've told you loud and clear I am with you and I am for you So believe Me now Believe Me now

I am the One who waved my hand and split the ocean

I am the One who spoke the words and raised the dead

And I've loved you long before I set the world in motion

I know all the fears you're feeling now

But do you remember who I am?Do you..

Believe Me now Believe Me here Remember all the times I've told you loud and clear I am with you And I am for you So believe Me now

Believe it's true

I never have, I never will abandon you

And the God that I have always been I will forever be

So believe Me now

I am the God who never wastes a single hurt that you endure

My words are true, and all My promises are sure

So believe Me now

Oh, believe Me now

Happy Fall Break!!

Yes, the chaos has begun. I am actually excited- my hope is to spend this week loving on my kids. My mother in law flew in for the week and we have several fun activities planned. First, is the great hunt for pumpkins. We may have to resort to the local walmart but hope to find a pumpkin patch somewhere. The drought has seriously affected our pumpkin patches.

Along with the excitement and chaos, the underlying nagging feeling of something being wrong with my dear Jonathan still remains. He has had a really rough week and a half. He is very nauseated and in a lot of pain. He is sick and his temp. keeps going up and down. He had a melt down in the church parking lot this morning. Since he can't take his medicine without throwing up his mood stabilizing med. levels are dropping. So he is manic on top of everything else. My heart aches on mornings like this... I just want him to spend one day without pain, sickness, or feeling out of sorts. Heaven will be so wonderful.

I better get back to work on my projects... the kiddos are at the park with Mamaw and Jon and Mya are asleep... so there is a little peace in the midst of the storm!!!

Thank you all for your prayers today. I wish I could go into great detail...maybe someday I will have the permission I need in order to share the whole story. But I do have to tell you my heart is leaping with anticipation and excitement. Tonight after a full day of interceeding for this person who is so dear to my heart I heard words I could only dream of hearing: " I met Jesus!"

These words and the ones that followed brought me to tears. God truly does use the bad for good. He has heard as we have prayed for salvation... a true saving knowledge of the Lord that brings forth life and desire. I listened to a heart that appears to be finally surrendered apply all that he knows is truth... questions that caught me by surprise: What will my spiritual gift be? What if I don't like my gift can I ask for a new one? Do I have to only listen to chrisitian music? Even down to a commitment to tithe.... this one cracked me up!

I feel like a mama who has just given birth. Now the hard part begins. The everyday training and growing and teaching and loving. Oh, God give me the grace and knowledge, wisdom, and love. Tonight I am going to rest thanking God that he gave me the will to obey him no matter what the circumstances appear to be. Please keep praying for God to show himself so real and so big!

This picture makes me laugh. Maybe I should hang it up where I can always see it...I need to remember to laugh. The days are so full of pain and chaos and things that just must be done that I don't stop and laugh anymore. Its bad when your children notice... the one time recently that I really laughed, Brittney got so excited. Mommy you actually laughed. You never laugh.

I need to laugh. I need to play. I need to relax and just enjoy the day. Who really cares about all the things that must be done anyway? In light of eternity does it really matter if my house is a wreck???

Well, pray for me tomorrow to laugh. My children are all sick... everyone of them have varying degrees of fever... I kept three home from church this morning and sent the well ones.. only for them to spike fevers later this evening. Sorry friends!!! Of course, as it always goes, when Daddy's away the germs come out to play. So pray for me this could be a rough three days. For now I am rejoining in the fact that we don't have to get up at the crack of dawn in the morning to meet the bus. Not that we won't be up but the key word is we don't have to !!!

Tomorrow will also be hard concerning my previous post. I have to deal with the situation head on tomorrow without my husband. I have to be strong and say no. I have to stand my ground on a decision that will cause someone to be homeless. I hate it. I hate having to let people face consequences of their choices. I want to rescue so badly. But I want his life and soul to be saved more than his temporary comfort. I still don't know what to do... but find it awfully coincidental that my children are sick thus limiting my ability to rescue!!! Pray for the person involved. He faces a great big scary world tomorrow with very few places to turn.

P.S. The picture above is me and my best friend... it was taken 13 years ago. We were at this crazy restaurant at Magic Mountain in California. It was such a blast. I really miss my dear friend... hopefully if everything works out we will finally get the chance to live in the same state some time next year!!!! That's another secret for another day. Shhhh!!!!

It has been a heart wrenching couple of days here in our home. I can not go into detail because it would violate some one's privacy but I ask you to please be in prayer. I promise that my immediate family is safe and doing fine...please don't worry about that. Please pray specifically for God's supernatural intervention, that he would bring a specific person to a lifesaving knowledge of Christ, and pray for us to have wisdom and courage to do a very difficult thing. I know that if we storm the gates of heaven with our prayers God, who knows the entire situation, will be faithful to answer our prayers because it is not his will that any perish without him.

Pray also for my children as they try to process what has happened. They have just experienced a huge life lesson and I am thrilled to see God take what was meant for evil and use it to plant seeds of faith and spiritual growth in their hearts. But they are sad and have experienced a loss that they can't fully understand.

Thank you for your prayers, my friends. I will post again soon with more uplifting news!

Do you know how there are those days when God is speaking to your heart and you just can't put words to what he is saying? It seems the past few days have been like that for me. I can feel the Spirit moving in my heart- I know God is breaking through yet another layer and is taking me deeper. The funny thing is how the enemy convinces me how hard I have become and how far I am from God. Then all of sudden the Lord meets me and I am reminded that I can never be too far away from my Jesus.

This morning I tried to write down what God is saying during my quiet time (yes, I actually had a quiet time!!!!). I asked God to help me listen because I didn't want to miss what he was speaking to my heart. And just as he has promised... God came and met me and spoke to my heart through his word. I am amazed all the time how whatever we are led to read that day is exactly what we needed to hear.

The first verse I read came from Psalm 31:24. It says: "Be of good courage and he will strengthen your heart; all you who hope in the Lord. " I don't know about you, but my heart needs strengthening. My heart is tired, overwhelmed, aching, broken, burdened, and desperate for escape. And here the Lord who loves me more than I could ever imagine tells me he will strengthen my heart- not just my body or mind or even soul... but my heart. He will give me strength and courage as long as I don't retreat from the battle at hand... I choose to hope today in the one who gives me strength!

Then as if that was enough treasure for the day the next verse said: When my heart is overwhelmed lead me to the Rock who is higher than me. Psalm 61:2. Not only did God know my heart would be overwhelmed he gave me a place to run. I think I am going to have to take a trip to the mountains ( if there is such a thing here in Knoxville!!!) or get my friend in Colorado to send me a picture or a giant rock and put this verse with it as a reminder. Being overwhelmed is not a problem if I know and choose where to go with the feeling.

Choice. This is what I have been hearing God say lately. Choices are set before me daily. Life or Death. Blessing or Curse. What choice will I make? A choice unto death through defeat or despair? Or a choice that leads to life by running to that rock, finding refuge as the lover of my soul tenderly strengthens my heart? Too often lately I have chosen death- to live life in my own power. I have been overwhelmed by all the "expectations" I have placed on myself in motherhood, marriage and godly living.

The other morning when I had the first encounter with God in a long time I was on the floor scrubbing it. Worship music was playing in the background and my heart was conversing with the Lord. A certain song came on and God used it to give me a glimpse of his heart. I was broken over how much time I am wasting on petty things. Energy spent on things that don't matter. Unfortunately, the enemy took this and ran with it. All day I was stricken with this anxiety and urgency to "do". The less I could do the grumpier I got. Which completely was not the point of what God was speaking to my heart.

What God was saying was to make a choice in several areas we are facing in our lives:

It is time to move on... a time of grieving and intense pain is ending. Healing has taken place in the first stage. It is time to move on to the next stage- learning how to love and function in a body of Christ again. It is time for fellowship, community, and ministry. So yesterday we decided to visit a new church close to our house. The church where we have been going has been a place for us to heal and get grounded again spiritually but it is not where we belong. We are not sure where God wants us only that it is time to go. We were refreshed and encouraged yesterday at the service we went to. I was so blessed to watch Jason go to class willingly and beg us to come back again. We are scared and nervous and want to make the right choice...this again is one of things that God is speaking to my heart... we need to step out and make a choice for life... if it is not where he wants us, God will let us know. All the "petty" things about individual churches don't really matter as long as God is worshiped, his word accurately preached and lived out among the believers. Pray for us in this decision... pray God will put us exactly where he wants us.

There's more about not wasting my life but I think this will be it for today... I must get back to the "living" and get started on the day... three hours of sleep will not last for very long so I better take advantage of my coffee induced energy while I have it!