This has been a rather difficult day. Well, maybe difficult is not the right word. Its just one of those days where everything feels so off and you are just holding your breath waiting for it to be over. Brittney gave me some wonderful advice this afternoon... she said it would all be better in our home if we would read the bible every night. Isn't that priceless? It just crushed my prideful heart and left a gaping wound... if she only could understand how much I long for things to be as they were intended in our home.

I guess I could sum up the day as a day needing much prayers... We have been battling a stomach bug in our house this entire week. The kids stayed home today from school. I just needed them to have time to get well. I went to therapy and got fussed at for not coming for 10 days... I wanted to tell them to spend just five minutes in my shoes and they would see how much of a miracle it is that I have made it as many visits as I have. Now what I really need is therapy for my heart!!! (Just kidding...sort of.) The last 10 days have been so insane.

When we I got home we worked on cleaning up the house so we could put the tree up and then went out for lunch. I was impressed that lunch went as well as it did....two of the boys also got haircuts. Jason's hair has been so wildly out of control that he has been calling himself a mad scientist. The other day he did his hair with this huge curly wave in the front and said he was a Frenchman!

Unfortunately, the day went down hill from there... I am just a scrooge... I really need a heart adjustment. I don't know what is wrong but I just really am having a hard time with the noise level and the demands and just everything. I honestly just want to lay down and sleep for a very long time. It kills me to think of how many bad memories my attitude is creating... I want desperately to have fun with my family but everything feels like work. Thank God after a little break we were able to come together and get the tree up and the night calmed down.

The most concerning part about the day is that Jonathan is sick. He is really having a hard time today. He has been unable to take any of his medicine today. He is very nauseated. His stomach is upset. I am worried because his sodium levels were already high and he is at high risk for dehydration. Please pray for this bug to pass quickly from him. I am positing a picture of his hand. You can see how his finger is curled up. ONe of the other brain tumor parents mentioned that her son lost full function of his hands and they used an amino acid called Glutamate to bring back the function. I have been trying to find this medicine for the past year without any success here locally. But I am going to hunt some down and see if it will bring some improvement.

I guess now that the house is quiet and everyone is asleep I better join them. Have a great night!

Jon had his chemo this morning. His regular doctor was not there today. Overall, he is ok. But there is something weird happening with his hands. We are not sure what is going on or what is happening. Both of his pinkie fingers stay in a crooked almost drawn up position. They can be physically straightened but when he opens his hands and stretches them out his pinkies don't follow. The dr. today seemed concerned that there maybe something going on in his brain... so we are going to wait one more week and if it is still going on I am going to call the oncologist in Atlanta and see what she says. He is supposed to have another scan on Jan 2.

In the meantime a nasty stomach bug has made its way through our house. I started it with a vicious headache and throwing up on Tuesday. Josh soon followed. Mya was struck by it in the middle of Target tonight... if you end up there stay clear of the dressing room and the boys clothing section!!! Britt went to bed with a bucket. Its quite lovely around here. I think we are going to all stay home tomorrow and in our jammies all day... maybe a quarantine for the weekend will be enough to get everyone well.

Thank you for your prayers for us. I have a feeling this may be a long night and I may have plenty of time to consider those posts of deeper meaning that I have been wanting to write.

I have been quite neglectful of this blog lately... I guess too much to write about but I just can't find the words. Honestly, its more like having the energy and time to think through what I want to write. Its been an amazing few weeks or so of seeing God's hand in circumstances. Its been good and it has been incredibly difficult.

Just a quick update on the kiddos... Josh was supposed to go to Atlanta today for an "urgent" appt...but Shawn went to Ohio, it was raining sheets of rain, and the van is having issues. So I canceled it. Ever since I made his appt because of increasing severe migraines almost daily he has not had one headache. What is up with that? So we are going to be in Atlanta the first part of January for a few days and we will see whats up then.


Jon is doing ok... he is having some problems with food tasting nasty...thus he really eats very little. Thank God for chocolate milk. That is probably the only thing that has kept him from losing weight. He is quite thrilled that he has lost enough hair that his hair will now spike!!!!

Everyone else is just plugging along... we are waiting for word about whether we will be a part of the team that is opening the brand new Carmax in Colorado Springs. If so then we will be heading back west in a few short months. A few months ago we would have been wholeheartedly ready to go...now we are starting to reconnect with people again, get involved in a church where we really could be a part of it, and seeing God move in out hearts and lives and now we are slightly torn. BUt as it is in so many other ways we are sure that God is preparing us for what lies ahead... and this time of growth will be so important for the next stage.

I will update more soon...just as soon as I can formulate the thoughts into words.

Brittney's Avatar named Abby

Update on Lukas...

I picked up his blood work today and after we went over it and did more research it looks a little more encouraging. It looks like there is a very good possibility that his platelets being high are due to being severely anemic. Thank you for your prayers. He goes back to the dr. in a few weeks...we will keep praying for them to have wisdom and the ability to help.

Please pray for Lukas and his family today. This is my sweet nephew. He has been through so much physically in his few short months. Just this past week the doctors have begun to investigate whether he has some sort of blood disease. He has the symptoms of a very rare form of leukemia but it almost never occurs in children so they are trying to to look for other possible causes.

My sister and her husband are seeking the Lord for wisdom to know whether to push for more aggressive investigation, seek second opinions, or just wait out these next couple of weeks. It is a frustrating and emotionally tormenting situation to be in.

Also, pray for Jon today as well. He goes in for his chemo this morning. Already he is not starting the day off very well. He is nauseated so he is having trouble with his meds. He couldn't take them last night. I am sure his sodium levels will be high today. We don't have milk (since I haven't made it to the store yet) so he is not drinking. And he has been awake since before 5 and is quite on edge. Pray for God to give me patience... I am not in the mood to deal with his melt downs today!

I just have to share.... Tonight I made a special holiday/winter dinner for my children. They didn't all eat it or enjoy it but I know they will remember this meal for a long time. It was fun to make for them...

ON THE MENU:

Meatball Snowmen complete with mashed potato snow

Marshmellow snowballs

French fries for arms and for Jon to dip in honey mustard. Also, Jason ate his "snowballs" attached to french fries dipped in his peaches! Yumm...

Hot Chocolate with peppermint mocha coffee cream and two candy canes to stir with.

I must tell you that these past two nights have been the least stressful and most enjoyable with my kids. It takes a little bit longer to get them through the night time routine but at least this way their needs are met and they are going to bed with a full tummy and a full heart. It has made me feel so much better... knowing that I am spending time with them reading the bible, praying, laughing, playing, and reading books together individually and together before bed. It is funny but it almost takes less energy to do it right than it does to do it wrong!!! Thank you for your prayers and kind encouragement my friends these past few days. I am very blessed.

What Good Moms Do...

These pictures made me think of a conversation I had with Jason last night. We read a book together before bed. This is not his favorite thing to do. He was in a big hurry to get back to watching a movie. After we were done reading I said " Don't you think that is what good moms do? Make their kids read stories before they go to sleep? Isn't it good to practice reading? " Jason sat still and quiet for a moment and all of sudden replied, " Good moms let their sons tackle them!" and he jumped in my arms. And in that moment my heart warmed and said one small prayer- thank you God for strengthening me to be a good mom in this moment.

Maybe for the next few days I will celebrate the ways I know God is strengthening me to be a "good" mom in his definition of good. This may be a good way to keep the negative away!

Have a wonderful day!!!!

Fall is coming closer to an end and winter is about to descend upon us. I fear though that winter descended long ago upon my heart and made it icy cold. Fortunately, God doesn't let it stay that way too long before he breaks through with his truth and sets me free from the icy prison. Its sometimes quite painful as the ice melts and he blows his warm truth and love upon us. Its hard work to emerge from a lifetime of wrong thinking and feeling and actively choose to be transformed by his word. That's where I am today... wanting desperately to be freed and transformed. I have wandered too long in this icy prison!

God always surprises me in how he chooses to orchestrate circumstances and timing to bring about transformation in our lives. No matter how painful it is I am always so encouraged to see his hand in something that is happening in my life. Its like his reminder that he is in it and he is working so I can trust him no matter how bad it hurts or doesn't make sense.

This morning I found myself drawn back to a book I read recently called " Loving God with All Your Mind" by Elizabeth George. The truths in this book are life changing. Although I still have not grasped the truth and applied completely I know that God is using it to change how I view and respond to life. I am praying God will make it a natural part of my life to look at things through his word, his perspective, and the lens of truth. The main premise of the book is to think only upon what is truth. Not what I think, others think, or circumstances may be or appear to be. But the truth...

One area that I am really struggling in is whether I am able to be the mom and wife I know my family needs. Deep in my heart I really feel like a failure in this area. I really have believed that it would be better for my family if I was not a part of their lives. I live in fear that I will destroy them due to harsh words, lack of training, wrong choices etc. I am not really doing anything more or less than most... just struggling with surviving. The conflict comes in wanting to do and be so much more and than falling short. The more I think I am not a good mom or wife the more I become depressed and despair and then become suffocated by this thinking and it results in negative actions. When I feel and think that I am doing a good job then I really do a good job... I have positive interaction and motivation with them. So even here the key is to think the truth and not believe the paralyzing lies that Satan sends in order to destroy me!

The truth for me today is this: God chose ME to be the perfect mate for my husband. I know he brought us together to bring him glory and to use us greatly. Regardless of our choices or circumstances this is the truth. So I will choose to act on that truth today...any other thoughts are not true and are not of God.

God chose ME to be the mother of five wonderful children. This means that he has gifted me and equipped me with all that I need to be able to meet their needs, to teach them and live for them the truths of Jesus, and to be all that being a mom means. What this also means is that he did not make me in the image of all the other mothers out there. That is not to be my standard... perhaps someone else has children who are calm, well behaved, the image of "perfect". Those children are not my children. I can not look at that example and measure my success on whether my kids turn out the same as someone else's children. I have been given 5 unique little hearts to shape and mold according to their own needs and personalities. God has his plan and the way he made me fits into the way they need to be mothered. Simply, no one else could be a better mother to them than me. That is the truth...

So today my energy will be focused on being that mother for them. I will seek God for the wisdom to know how to raise them according to his standard and plan for their individual hearts. Rather than wasting my energy feeling sad and despairing over failure because they are not "good" like other people's kids. In reality they are good... they are full of life, energy, excitement, and adventure. They have dealt with more in their few short years than most other kids ever will in their lifetime...and the truth is they love Jesus. Nothing else really matters does it?

Calgon Take Me Away!!!

(my version of calgon comes in a hot cup of any variety...starbucks, dunkin donuts, home brewed with lots of cream. Any way I can find it as long as it is hot, creamy, and frothy it will do the trick! Now off to put my kids to bed so I can brew me a fresh cup of peppermint mocha with peppermint mocha cream...mmmmmm)

How do babies grow up so fast? This one is really bothering me today. I am not ready for her to grow up. Life is too crazy, too much of a mess right now. I am scared that she will move so quickly into the next stage of life and I will not be able to make it a positive one. Does that make sense? I don't want to wound her heart like I know I have so many times in the other kids. I don't want to... it happens and I hate it. So I look at her and it makes me cry- how does it change so fast. I want to enjoy her a little longer.

As you can probably tell it has been a rough day. I guess what goes up must come down. I have been on a "mountain top" for the past 2 days. Rejoicing and anticipating change in my life, marriage, family, heart. And here on the brink of a great victory comes a crashing weight. The battle is tough, my friends. Some days it feels like I am drowning. It sucks the energy out of me. I feel so unable to be some one's wife, some one's mom, some one's friend. Ugly attitudes creep in in the midst of my weariness and leaves me feeling the unbearable burden of guilt after I have bit some one's head off.

Pray for us tonight if you so feel led. We must walk this life together. I need you. You need me.

I am off to rest in the shadow of his mighty wings...I just might not come out for a very long time!

Brittney had quite the scare last night. The kids were outside climbing in trees while Jon was having his school with his teacher. Josh came running in the house upset and grabbed my phone to call Shawn. He was determined Daddy had to come home and deal with Jason- his words to Shawn sounded like...Jason...Can't breath... down... It touched my heart to see Josh feel so protective of his sister all though his facts were slightly off. Poor Jason was on the verge of being attacked by his brother for something he didn't do.

What happened? Britt fell out of tree. She was reaching for Jason's socks and fell face first out of the tree on to the ground. It knocked the wind out of her (thus the not breathing part) and she caught her lip on a branch so she had a little blood. She tried to brace herself with her arms so they got quite the jolt. But no broken bones. She was rescued by "angels" disguised as leaves.

It is never boring at our house. One drama or adventure after another. One heart ache after another. One tear, one smile. One fight, one giggle. But always busy and loud, and chaotic. I think I love it. At least today I do.

*Jonathan's info updated on his caringbridge page. Follow link on this page to read more.

Peace. Peace that comes from only one place. Peace that surpasses all understanding. How I pray for this peace! This week I have been given a small taste of what this peace is. For me, this peace has come from obedience. God has spoken to my heart and then asked me to respond... until I obeyed there was turmoil. But how sweet the peace that fell upon my aching torn heart and soul once I obeyed!!!

Its amazing to me how fast things change... So many emotions, circumstances, and thoughts can fill each moment of time. This morning I am so grateful for a rock of truth to firmly plant my mind upon. I have found myself really struggling with truth and lies. I cannot keep my mind set upon the truth. But I know who is truth and today I run to his presence- this is the only choice that brings life. I cling to the promise found in Isaiah 26:3- You will keep him in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. I am praying God will make my mind steadfastly set upon him- I know too well how easily I can wander!

This week was a major test of obedience. It was a struggle. So many conflicting thoughts and feelings. Too much that doesn't make sense. But there was that quiet voice pressing inside me that led the way. I felt an intense urgency that I needed to quit my job. This is a post all in itself. I will post more when I have it formulated in my mind. I want to share the beautiful things I have gleaned from that experience. I attempted to turn in my notice but my boss would not have that...so they have left me on the payroll and I will work when I feel like it! I have peace about this option. I needed things to balance back out and not be interfering with my family.

This urgency made me feel as though something was terribly wrong or something was going to happen if I continued working like I was. I had no idea what it was... it was only one day later that God revealed to me what the problem was. And truly this would have been a major life crisis if I had not obeyed. I was so excited to see how God led me and enabled me to obey. And then to see why... what is so cool is how interrelated life is... so many times we try to seperate the physical life from our spritual life. But God is in it all!!! I never would have guessed that my quitting my job was so God could use it to bring me and my husband to a greater realization of our need for him and the direction we have been begging him for our family.

Of course, the moment we set sail on a straight course towards the goal the storm starts brewing. The attacks come flying in and we are threatened to turn back, give in, surrender to the enemy. That was my day yesterday. I could feel the war raging. I know it will get worse before it gets better...but I am determined to hide in the presence of God under his wings, recieving his strength and vision and let him fight for me until the storm blows past and I am firmly planted.

What does a person write about at 3am???? Coffee of course! Caffiene...hopefully it will get me through this day...3 hours before the morning begins and yesterday has never ended!

Seems to be how it goes. Daddy goes out of town and things are just weird at our house. I can count at least one child with a fever or illness of some sort. I can always count on someone being awake before the sun... This week Mya is the culprit. An ear infection has brought the fever. Pain, treated by ibuprofen and tylenol, has been replaced with a giddy mood. I had to double check that it was just ibuprofen she had! The child woke up 4 times in the 3 hours she did sleep. And has still not gone back to sleep since midnight. She sang for awhile. Tossed and turned. Cried. Talked.

Finally I gave up. If I am not going to sleep might as well be up, right? So I am having my first cup of coffee and baking bread for breakfast since I got my new shipment of flour yesterday!

I have had a lot on my mind and much to pray about today so I am thanking God for the early morning quiet. Perhaps my little angel will sleep all morning...then I can process all that is happening in my heart. I will leave you with these lyrics from a Steven Curtis Chapman song that really blessed me the other day.

I watch you looking out across the raging water

So sure your only hope lies on the other side

You hear the enemy that's closing in around you

And I know that you don't have the strength to fight

But do you have the faith to stand and...

Believe Me now Believe Me here Remember all the times I've told you loud and clear I am with you and I am for you So believe Me now Believe Me now

I am the One who waved my hand and split the ocean

I am the One who spoke the words and raised the dead

And I've loved you long before I set the world in motion

I know all the fears you're feeling now

But do you remember who I am?Do you..

Believe Me now Believe Me here Remember all the times I've told you loud and clear I am with you And I am for you So believe Me now

Believe it's true

I never have, I never will abandon you

And the God that I have always been I will forever be

So believe Me now

I am the God who never wastes a single hurt that you endure

My words are true, and all My promises are sure

So believe Me now

Oh, believe Me now

Happy Fall Break!!

Yes, the chaos has begun. I am actually excited- my hope is to spend this week loving on my kids. My mother in law flew in for the week and we have several fun activities planned. First, is the great hunt for pumpkins. We may have to resort to the local walmart but hope to find a pumpkin patch somewhere. The drought has seriously affected our pumpkin patches.

Along with the excitement and chaos, the underlying nagging feeling of something being wrong with my dear Jonathan still remains. He has had a really rough week and a half. He is very nauseated and in a lot of pain. He is sick and his temp. keeps going up and down. He had a melt down in the church parking lot this morning. Since he can't take his medicine without throwing up his mood stabilizing med. levels are dropping. So he is manic on top of everything else. My heart aches on mornings like this... I just want him to spend one day without pain, sickness, or feeling out of sorts. Heaven will be so wonderful.

I better get back to work on my projects... the kiddos are at the park with Mamaw and Jon and Mya are asleep... so there is a little peace in the midst of the storm!!!

Thank you all for your prayers today. I wish I could go into great detail...maybe someday I will have the permission I need in order to share the whole story. But I do have to tell you my heart is leaping with anticipation and excitement. Tonight after a full day of interceeding for this person who is so dear to my heart I heard words I could only dream of hearing: " I met Jesus!"

These words and the ones that followed brought me to tears. God truly does use the bad for good. He has heard as we have prayed for salvation... a true saving knowledge of the Lord that brings forth life and desire. I listened to a heart that appears to be finally surrendered apply all that he knows is truth... questions that caught me by surprise: What will my spiritual gift be? What if I don't like my gift can I ask for a new one? Do I have to only listen to chrisitian music? Even down to a commitment to tithe.... this one cracked me up!

I feel like a mama who has just given birth. Now the hard part begins. The everyday training and growing and teaching and loving. Oh, God give me the grace and knowledge, wisdom, and love. Tonight I am going to rest thanking God that he gave me the will to obey him no matter what the circumstances appear to be. Please keep praying for God to show himself so real and so big!

This picture makes me laugh. Maybe I should hang it up where I can always see it...I need to remember to laugh. The days are so full of pain and chaos and things that just must be done that I don't stop and laugh anymore. Its bad when your children notice... the one time recently that I really laughed, Brittney got so excited. Mommy you actually laughed. You never laugh.

I need to laugh. I need to play. I need to relax and just enjoy the day. Who really cares about all the things that must be done anyway? In light of eternity does it really matter if my house is a wreck???

Well, pray for me tomorrow to laugh. My children are all sick... everyone of them have varying degrees of fever... I kept three home from church this morning and sent the well ones.. only for them to spike fevers later this evening. Sorry friends!!! Of course, as it always goes, when Daddy's away the germs come out to play. So pray for me this could be a rough three days. For now I am rejoining in the fact that we don't have to get up at the crack of dawn in the morning to meet the bus. Not that we won't be up but the key word is we don't have to !!!

Tomorrow will also be hard concerning my previous post. I have to deal with the situation head on tomorrow without my husband. I have to be strong and say no. I have to stand my ground on a decision that will cause someone to be homeless. I hate it. I hate having to let people face consequences of their choices. I want to rescue so badly. But I want his life and soul to be saved more than his temporary comfort. I still don't know what to do... but find it awfully coincidental that my children are sick thus limiting my ability to rescue!!! Pray for the person involved. He faces a great big scary world tomorrow with very few places to turn.

P.S. The picture above is me and my best friend... it was taken 13 years ago. We were at this crazy restaurant at Magic Mountain in California. It was such a blast. I really miss my dear friend... hopefully if everything works out we will finally get the chance to live in the same state some time next year!!!! That's another secret for another day. Shhhh!!!!

It has been a heart wrenching couple of days here in our home. I can not go into detail because it would violate some one's privacy but I ask you to please be in prayer. I promise that my immediate family is safe and doing fine...please don't worry about that. Please pray specifically for God's supernatural intervention, that he would bring a specific person to a lifesaving knowledge of Christ, and pray for us to have wisdom and courage to do a very difficult thing. I know that if we storm the gates of heaven with our prayers God, who knows the entire situation, will be faithful to answer our prayers because it is not his will that any perish without him.

Pray also for my children as they try to process what has happened. They have just experienced a huge life lesson and I am thrilled to see God take what was meant for evil and use it to plant seeds of faith and spiritual growth in their hearts. But they are sad and have experienced a loss that they can't fully understand.

Thank you for your prayers, my friends. I will post again soon with more uplifting news!

Do you know how there are those days when God is speaking to your heart and you just can't put words to what he is saying? It seems the past few days have been like that for me. I can feel the Spirit moving in my heart- I know God is breaking through yet another layer and is taking me deeper. The funny thing is how the enemy convinces me how hard I have become and how far I am from God. Then all of sudden the Lord meets me and I am reminded that I can never be too far away from my Jesus.

This morning I tried to write down what God is saying during my quiet time (yes, I actually had a quiet time!!!!). I asked God to help me listen because I didn't want to miss what he was speaking to my heart. And just as he has promised... God came and met me and spoke to my heart through his word. I am amazed all the time how whatever we are led to read that day is exactly what we needed to hear.

The first verse I read came from Psalm 31:24. It says: "Be of good courage and he will strengthen your heart; all you who hope in the Lord. " I don't know about you, but my heart needs strengthening. My heart is tired, overwhelmed, aching, broken, burdened, and desperate for escape. And here the Lord who loves me more than I could ever imagine tells me he will strengthen my heart- not just my body or mind or even soul... but my heart. He will give me strength and courage as long as I don't retreat from the battle at hand... I choose to hope today in the one who gives me strength!

Then as if that was enough treasure for the day the next verse said: When my heart is overwhelmed lead me to the Rock who is higher than me. Psalm 61:2. Not only did God know my heart would be overwhelmed he gave me a place to run. I think I am going to have to take a trip to the mountains ( if there is such a thing here in Knoxville!!!) or get my friend in Colorado to send me a picture or a giant rock and put this verse with it as a reminder. Being overwhelmed is not a problem if I know and choose where to go with the feeling.

Choice. This is what I have been hearing God say lately. Choices are set before me daily. Life or Death. Blessing or Curse. What choice will I make? A choice unto death through defeat or despair? Or a choice that leads to life by running to that rock, finding refuge as the lover of my soul tenderly strengthens my heart? Too often lately I have chosen death- to live life in my own power. I have been overwhelmed by all the "expectations" I have placed on myself in motherhood, marriage and godly living.

The other morning when I had the first encounter with God in a long time I was on the floor scrubbing it. Worship music was playing in the background and my heart was conversing with the Lord. A certain song came on and God used it to give me a glimpse of his heart. I was broken over how much time I am wasting on petty things. Energy spent on things that don't matter. Unfortunately, the enemy took this and ran with it. All day I was stricken with this anxiety and urgency to "do". The less I could do the grumpier I got. Which completely was not the point of what God was speaking to my heart.

What God was saying was to make a choice in several areas we are facing in our lives:

It is time to move on... a time of grieving and intense pain is ending. Healing has taken place in the first stage. It is time to move on to the next stage- learning how to love and function in a body of Christ again. It is time for fellowship, community, and ministry. So yesterday we decided to visit a new church close to our house. The church where we have been going has been a place for us to heal and get grounded again spiritually but it is not where we belong. We are not sure where God wants us only that it is time to go. We were refreshed and encouraged yesterday at the service we went to. I was so blessed to watch Jason go to class willingly and beg us to come back again. We are scared and nervous and want to make the right choice...this again is one of things that God is speaking to my heart... we need to step out and make a choice for life... if it is not where he wants us, God will let us know. All the "petty" things about individual churches don't really matter as long as God is worshiped, his word accurately preached and lived out among the believers. Pray for us in this decision... pray God will put us exactly where he wants us.

There's more about not wasting my life but I think this will be it for today... I must get back to the "living" and get started on the day... three hours of sleep will not last for very long so I better take advantage of my coffee induced energy while I have it!

Encouragment for Today

This week has held several intimate encounters with the Lord. I am ashamed to say that this has been a rarity for me lately..but having tasted his presence again this week I am longing for more. Hopefully later this evening I will have time to write more about what the Lord has spoken to my heart but for now I just wanted to share the verses that encouraged me this morning...

" Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another- and all the more as you see the day approaching.... Remember the earlier days after you had received the light, when you stood your ground in a great contest in the face of suffering... So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to presevere so that when you have done the will of God you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while, He who is coming will come and not delay..." Hebrews 10:23-25; 32-37

Birthdays, MRI's, and Stuffy Noses...

We got more good news just in time for Jon's 10th birthday!!! My mom, Jon, Mya, and I traveled to Atlanta yesterday for our 3 month scan and drs appts. Jonathan is doing well... he is about as stable in every area as he could be. His scan actually shows a slight increase but they believe it is due to a different angle in the picture taking. They all agree it is stable! We can't ask for more than that!!!

His sinuses, as I expected, are worse then they were when we had the last scan. We are treating it with more antibiotics and then will begin with a prophylactic antibiotic for awhile. I don't have any good ideas for how to prevent the infections...anyone else have any ideas???

We enjoyed a special birthday party for Jonathan and Mya. Jon's best friend Noah came with his sweet family (his momma is becoming my new best friend!!!) and my family was here. It was fun to just be able to visit and not have any kind of "pressure" to party.

The next day I made Mya her own cake and we had a "party" outside so we could take pictures. Go here to see more of the celebration! She is so cute and so much fun. I love watching her learn new things everyday.

Well, we are off to another drs appt- this time to have a wart removed! Josh has kissed to many frogs I think!

Its my party and I'll cry if I want to!!!

I hate birthdays. Actually, I only hate my birthday. I love other people's birthdays. I don't really know why I hate it so much...maybe the expectations- I would just rather the whole day just be peaceful and happy than stressful just because its my birthday. Same thing with Mother's Day etc. I don't want the stress of thinking that somehow the day should be any better than any other day just because its my birthday.

I should say that everyone really tried. I really appreciate it...more than I would ever say. I loved the cards. My children sweetly took daddy to the store to buy my present (only to find out that Daddy left his wallet at home!!!). I was touched by their thoughtfulness...they know me well...travel mug, dunkin donuts coffee, chocolate and a starbucks card!!!! Josh asked me a hundred times when we were having a party...finally in the Wendy's drive thru yesterday I told him right now, right here in this parking lot. Everyone remembered my birthday...even my long lost friend!

So if every hope I had was fulfilled why was I wanting to cry? Because I was grumpy. Because we woke up all tired, sick, and grumpy. Because my children move faster then I can think. My brain rattled with every shriek and cry from their VERY loud voices. All this would have been easier to deal with if it had just been a normal day- but it was my birthday and should have been a wonderful day, right????

Yeah right...here we are the day after...I can breathe again. I don't think I will cry. I am ready to spend some time with the Lord. I need to be refreshed, refocused, and re-energized. I am ready to push through and deal with all this day has brought with it....

I need to take four of the children to the dr. Mya and Josh have been running high fevers since Saturday. Jon spiked a fever Sat night but hasn't since...but we know he has a sinus infection (his white blood cell count jumped from 9,000 to 21,000 in just a few short days. Jason is playing hooky but I just didn't have the energy to fight him this morning. So I think he will just have to go to the dr and get swabbed for strep with the rest. Then I 'll take him to school...unless I am wrong and he is positive then I will give him a popsicle...

That's just the beginning of a crazy day but I am determined today will not be like yesterday!

Happy Birthday To Me!!!!

Actually, this is not my cake...it's my sister's. Obviously it is missing 14 candles for it to be mine. But this is my birthday. My sister Melody's birthday is to day as well. This is the beginning of birthday madness...today is mine. Mya will be one on the 21st. Jon will be 10 on the 25th. My sister has two kids who have birthdays on the 25th and 28th.

I am off to grocery shop in honor of my birthday... woohoo!

UGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!! Feeling like running away to a deserted island right about now!

I thought everyone might enjoy seeing a picture of Jonathan. He is now 4 months into his chemo treatments. Overall, he looks pretty good, doesn't he? He has lost lots of hair but still has a good amount left. I imagine by the end of treatment it will be close to gone. It's not a big deal to Jon though. He loves to show off his scars.

He is feeling better this week. Thank you for praying for him last week. Last week he ended up missing several doses of his "mood control" medicine. Yesterday he was on edge about everything. Several breakdowns were looming. I tried giving him his meds early in the afternoon. They worked for his mood but he has been awake ALL night long! Don't think I will do that again.

I am still trying to get caught up from all the chaos. My brother Caleb moved in with us for a little while. He is going to school at Pellissippi and trying to get settled into adult life. It has been fun having him here. The kids, especially Mya, love him to death. It can be a little challenging but so far so good. I just have to figure out how to arrange bedrooms so they make the most sense. I am not sure what is best yet! I probably just need my brain to shut off and just clean up.

Adding to the craziness is the neverending almost overwhelming thoughts flying through my brain. My job has opened my eyes to so many realities of life. As I consider all of this I go from fearful (but then I remember God's perfect love cast out fear- so I must run to God with this fear and gain his perspective.) to urgent; from purpose to utter sadness that there is nothing I can do to slow down time. It has caused me to totally reconsider everything about life. Here are some realizations I have been contemplating lately:

1. No matter who you are or what you accomplish in life we all end up the same. In these nursing homes there are people who at one time were somebody. One was a professional football player- now he lays in a bed in a nursing home suffering from dementia. In some ways, it made me think- the only difference money, position or prestige really made in the end was to determine whether you have enough money to have a private room or be in a better facility. It doesn't change how you spend the end of your days.

2. So if all of these things don't really matter, what does? Relationships. It makes me wonder- would some of these people be at home surrounded by their families if they had taken the time to build those relationships? Granted, a lot of them do have relationships and its evident in their care and the warmth of their rooms. They just have conditions that require extra nursing care. SO please don't take take me wrong on this thought- the main thinking is that I want to capture the time I have now to do what matters. To spend time with my children. To spend time with my family. To love on people. If I end up there I want my room to be filled with love not blank walls and empty hearts.

3. We only have a short time to do what matters. I always,unconsciously, think I have all the time in the world. Nothing will happen to me. Nothing will stop me from doing, loving, being until the day I die. But you know what this is all I have- these few short years to make a difference. I have no guarantees. I could end up physically and mentally unable to do anything. I am not afraid of what the future holds. I am afraid of not living today. I am afraid of not fully embracing the life God has given me. I am afraid of not loving enough. Not doing the right things. Not finding what God has chosen for me to do and be.

So today I am asking God to cast out this fear and to replace with His peace that passes understanding...His peace that comes to a surrendered heart. A heart that rests and waits for God to lead.

Not even time for a real bath!!!

Sorry to all of you who have come to visit...my life is so crazy I haven't even had time to write about it. But I will I promise! So many thoughts swimming in my head... my heart has been heavy, happy, sad, and consumed. But it is good...just trying to process it all...

Jonathan's chemo has been rough this week! He has thrown up several times and getting his pills down have been pretty difficult. I am trying to figure out how to help him swallow all 13 of his pills with less stressful...it is quite a tense hour before bed. He is also coming down with another infection...so pray for him.

We had an incredibly awesome holiday weekend with several old friends made new again...more about that later. God is healing my heart through this group of friends. I can't wait to share with you the details!

I wish I could sit and write all night but my pillow is calling to me from my room...4 AM is making me beyond exhausted!!! I'll be back when my brain has recovered!!!

The joys of gluten free pizza!!!!!

Its funny how some things you can get used to not having. I have pretty much lost all craving for bread. Gluten free bread just leaves much to be desired. It is better to go without than to eat what is available.

But, recently, the Knox Celiac group has discovered a new flour mixture. It is called Domata Living Flour. After reading the experiences of my fellow celiacs I just had to try this flour out.

It has been described as the closest thing to the real thing. Desperate for his wife to start making meals again, my husband quickly ordered 25 pounds of flour!!!! Last night we made cheese pizza and a special gourmet chicken pesto with feta and artichoke pesto sauce. Oh it was so good to finally eat pizza again that actually tasted good.

Tonight's meal was the real test. My ultimate comfort food is chicken and dumplings. I have a cracker barrel recipe that is the best. This new flour is supposed to be able to be substituted for regular flour in any recipe... so that's what I did. We had the best chicken and dumplings!!!! Brittney ate 2 bowls!!! Even Mya ate a bowl full. And me...well I was in the closest thing to heaven this side of heaven.

So thank you thank you Domata Flour Company for your creation. Thank you God for "real" food and the motivation to cook and to eat again. And thank you to my family for letting me experiment on them.

Does anyone know how to post a scream????? Because that's what every part of me wants to do right now. That and cry, laugh, bang my head against the wall, and scream. Sometimes my life goes from bad to worse to down right hillarious in the time you can count from o to 10!!!

If I told you everything that just happened in the past 30 minutes I am not sure that you would believe it. First let me set the stage: Jason woke up last night at 1 am. He wanted to make sure he got plenty of tv time in before school. The child never went back to sleep!!! At 3 Josh woke up compeletly soaked. Did I mention he was in my bed with me and Mya??? So we piled blankets on top and attempted to go back to sleep. Josh was more than ready to go to school and I thought the day was going to start at 3...especially since Mya was wide awake now. So you now have 2 very tired boys, and one very tired mom. And one little stinker of a baby who is now into everything and has decided she doesn't need sleep any more either. And of course, this is what always happens when my husband is out of town!

So shortly before bed, I discovered that my darling Jason had convinced Josh to find scissors and help him cut all the buckles off of the life jackets. Mind you, these were not the old, moldy life jackets...these were the newer ones that could be grown into by the next in line. But no...we just had to go and invent something new with THOSE buckels.

In the midst of the normal screaming and fighting that takes place every time all five of them are together in one room, Jason fell asleep on the couch. Mya finally fell asleep. Whew... I can breathe. Yeah, right. I started popping popcorn in the microwave but forgot about it while I was doing laundry. So I burnt their snack for tomorrow's school snack. Thank God there is more popcorn! I popped more while I got Brittney to bed. Jon was supposed to be taking his pills and Josh was supposed to be going to bed. The next thing I know Josh has plopped a huge handful of butter in the bowl where Jon's pills were. I guess he just assumed it was empty???? So Jon's pills ended up covered in butter. Pills ended up back in the butter container after Josh panicked and tried to fix what he had done.

Ok, so every night I dread doing pills with Jonathan. I don't know what happened. He used to do so well but in the past several months he has had such a hard time with taking them. I don't blame him- we are up to 13 pills every night! But I hate that time with him. So we are sitting there and every night he has this ritual where as soon as he sits down he has to go to the bathroom. Every three or four pills he has to get back up and go to the bathroom. It drives me crazy! Tonight, we were attempting to swallow butter covered pills and we got all the way to the very last 3 pills. I was pushing him to finish before getting up to go to the bathroom again when he gagged and proceeded to throw up every one of the pills. UGGGG!!!!!

I won't go into all the other nasty details of the past hour... I will keep it to myself... but I leave you with the laugh... after he threw up I told Jon to go into the bathroom since he had to go again. A few seconds later, he calls me from the bathroom.... ok mom so I am in the bathroom. Ok Jon what are you doing? I am waiting for you. He had no idea why he was in there at all....never mind that he had jsut thrown up all his pills during an effort to quickly finish and make it to the potty in time!!!! The things that just make me shake my head, grab my pillow and go to bed.

One Hundred and One Degrees!!!!

Knoxville hit a record today...and so have we...the first time without airconditioning in such a high temperature! This afternoon I noticed the thermostat rising...80 degrees seemed a little too hot for the air conditioning to be working right.

So here is the part where we laugh at the bad that has come... what is it? When life throws lemons make lemonade...well, we have lemonade for sale- 5 cents a cup!!!!

I am laughing tonight. Thanking God for a swimming pool. And thanking him that I cans it back and watch the God who is more than able to provide for my needs take care of this one!

Just pray that Jon's body temp stays low... we are going to go stay at my mom's tomorrow until it gets fixed.

Until the air returns....

Joshua's First Day of School

Well, my baby has finally entered the realm of "big"! He has waited for this day for what seems like forever. The day has been circled for the past month and he has been crossing off the days.

Just like everything he does, Josh faced this new adventure with enthusiasm, independence, and an eager expectation. He announced this morning that he would be riding the bus to school. Mind made there was no looking back for this kid.

When I picked him, the first thing he said was "I didn't have to go to the principle's office." This was his greatest fear: somehow he wouldn't be able to be good and would have to go the principle's office. But he was good and he said he wasn't shy. So I think he is off to a great start...I think he takes after Brittney in so many ways.

I wish I could say I was one of those mamas who sat with kleenex in hand crying. This mama simply smiled a smile of success and quickly got back home to cherish the few hours of quiet before it was time to return to the kindergarten pickup line. I am very proud of him today!

Happy Anniversary to Me!!!!!

Today my husband and I celebrate our 11th wedding anniversary. We usually don't make big deals out of things like our anniversary, our birthdays (except for the kids), mother's and father's day. Today is really no different... we went out to a Thai Restaurant for lunch with Jon and Josh and Mya. But in my heart today this is different than the rest of the anniversaries we have celebrated.

So even though today we won't go anywhere or do anything I am making a plan to celebrate big time... I just don't know how yet. I want to celebrate because you know what...its a BIG DEAL that we have made it 11 years!!! God in his grace has cemented us together and held us through the times that have attempted to pull us apart. So I was thinking with all we have been through we should rejoice and celebrate- it is a huge thing!

Check back a little later for a little glimpse into what our eleven years as husband and wife have held! Its been quite the adventure ... one that I will gladly go one for as many more years as the Lord gives us here on the earth. One thing is for sure... there is NO ONE I would rather have walking by my side holding my hand than this precious one that God chose for me!

School has begun!!!! I must say I am happily looking forward to a few hours of semi- peace each day! Jason actually decided to go to school..his teacher is Brittney's teacher from last year. We are praising God for working that out. Ms Smythe is wonderful and up to the challenge! I am praying that we will not have the anxiety this year and he will be fine.

Jon should be set up on homebound soon and start his school year. I know he desperately wants to be at school with his friends but at the same time it makes him physically ill to be at school for any length of time. So I am going to try to get a real "homeschool" type schedule set up with him so he won't be so bored.

Jonathan had his chemo today. He is such a trooper. I wish that you all could see the way he lights up the clinic with his singing and compliments. He is forever telling the nurses how much he loves them and how beautiful they are. His counts are all really good- his sodium level was better today than it had been in a long while. Another example for why doctors should listen to mommies!

Jonathan meets Bibleman!!!!

As you can tell, this was a very special time for Jonathan and the other kids. Although Jason and Josh sort of ran the show- Jonathan enjoyed meeting his hero and talking to him. Bibleman gave Jonathan a cape and mask, a DVD, a biblezine, and a bibleman figure. He was so excited!!!

The show was incredible. At the end of the show during the invitation to ask Jesus into their hearts, Jason and Josh both went forward. This is a great step forward in our desire to lead our children to Christ and to train them in the ways of God.

We were blessed by the generosity of Bibleman and the church members who hosted the show.Shawn and I felt such joy at being together with our spiritual family. It was a refreshing feeling... the kind of "spirit" you long for and look for in a church body. So much more warmth, love, and truth all wrapped up together. My children felt it too...they wanted to know if we could just move there.

Thank you to The Rock Family Worship Center for making this weekend so special to us!

We are off!!! Thanks for praying for Jon. Please pray for a smooth trip down and back. Everyone is so excited. Tune in tomorrow for pics of Bibleman and the kids!

Please pray for Jon today!

We are supposed to leave in the morning for Alabama for the bibleman show. As it seems to be the way life is for us, everytime we plan to do something fun or special something gets in the way. Well, Jon had chemo yesterday. Today he woke up at 11am and his face is puffy, his eyes look swollen, he has a very nasty cough, and his body temp is wacky. Under his arm his temp was 91 degrees in his mouth it was 99. I am praying he isn't getting some kind of infection- Please pray that nothing will interfere with this trip. It is going to be so special. Jon is resting right now so hopefully he will feel better soon.
Thanks for your prayers.

We Have a Winner!!!!!!!! MamaLee will soon find herself relaxing with her renewed and refreshed surprise package!!!
I am not ready yet to reveal the contents (then it wouldn't be a surprise would it????) but I promise to let all of you know what is hiding inside in due time!

Thank you all for coming and visiting my blog. It was fun to "meet" you all and I look forward to visting with you in the future!

I am taking a short break from the regularly scheduled updates on life to participate in what looks like a very fun way to get to know other bloggers as well as win cool "giveaways". I am new to blogging. I have enjoyed all the other blogs I have been discovering along the way and hope to get connected to even more blogging friends in the near future.

My friend at Without Fear posted about this grand giveaway and peaked my interest. So I visited Shannon at Rocks In My Dryer and was shocked at all the giveaways just waiting for new homes. I thought I would offer one of my own and keep my fingers crossed at winning at least one of these special gifts!!!!

One giveaway I am definitely entering is the one for $300 worth of Horizon Organic milk from 5 Minutes For Mom. Anyone of us who have children (especially when you have five children!), know how much of a blessing this giveaway would be. My children love their milk!!!

Now to my exciting giveaway... I am offering a "Refreshed and Renewed Goodie Box." I won't reveal the contents of this box entirely but I will tell you it will have plenty to make you feel refreshed and ready for each new day both physically and spiritually. One item that will be included in this giveaway is my all time favorite devotional "Streams in the Desert." God has used this devotion in many of the tired, overwhelming days to refresh me and give me a sense of purpose and focus in my suffering. I hope the person who wins my giveaway will be able to join me in saying..."No matter what comes my way...Still I will say blessed be the name of the Lord"

To enter please post a comment including your email address or blogger id...if you don't tell me how to contact you I can't send you your prize!!!! If you are new to my blog please stay awhile...I hope you will be blessed. To my daily friends thanks for visiting! Sometime Friday evening I will post the winner of the Goodie Box so make sure to comment before then!

Bibleman Becomes a Reality!!!!!

I am so excited to share with you all yet another blessing sent our way today! As I mentioned before we are going to take the kids to see a Bibleman Show in Alabama on August 4th. That alone was going to be a huge surprise for the kids. Well, I was worried that we would drive all the way down there and not be able to get seats because it is a first come first served situation. I emailed the church and asked if there was anyway we could get reserved seats. Well this church, The Rock Family Worship Center, responded with way more than I could ever imagine. They have arranged for Jonathan (and the other kids) to spend time with Bibleman before the show. They are giving us the best seats in the house. And they are putting us up in a room at the Marriot close to the church.

Can you believe it?????

I am just so blown away by the things that God is providing. His blessings are in the good and the bad. I am truly learning to bless him and follow him in the bad. But sometimes it is even harder to accept and praise him for the good. How much does God do on a daily basis that we neglect to see as his hand?

Viewing life as filtered through the hands of God: The story of a miracle!

Its already way past my bedtime but there is no way I could sleep without telling you all the story of today. I am so excited to share how God worked in our lives today to show us his greatness and his love. I have titled this story "Viewing life as filtered through the hands of God" becuase I think that if we can gain that perspecitve each "trial" we endure will take on a whole new purpose. If we can begin to see the difficulties as a sign that God is working and that he is going to do something in us or through us maybe we can embrace the opportunity rather than running the opposite direction (or grumbling our way through it!)

Part of the miracle you already know. Jon's tumor is shrinking. According to the radiologist the tumor is smaller by about a milimeter on all dimensions. I acutally got to see the scans and the difference is quite noticible. Not only is it smaller, it is also less solid. It doesn't enhance the way it did three months ago. It is hoped that the tumor will continue to die and shrink away. Its funny... when Jon was in his very first surgery a dear friend was praying. She felt God had impressed upon her that this tumor was going to shrink until it just went away. That night the dr came in and said that indeed it was a tumor that would shrink away. Of course, over the next few days we found out that it was a faster growing type of a tumor that would grow not shrink....
Fast forward to this week... Just over the past few weeks in study at church and in my own time I have been reminded that when God makes promises he always fulfills them. But it is in his own time and his own way. I don't have some word from the Lord saying Jonathan will be healed... but I do have the words the Lord spoke to me the day he asked me to give him my child. Perhaps my broken child is being healed through the hope of a shrinking tumor. Perhaps my heart is being healed for this time being when God knew I needed a little glimmer of hope and direction. We will continue to pray and trust no matter the outcome.

A little more info on Jon....the dr confirmed my suspicion that the scary behavior and lethargy/ speech etc that we were seeing a few weeks ago was caused by infection not tumor growth. On Friday, Jon's white count had gone up again to 10,000 from 6,000 (which is low but is what he is running on this chemo regimen.) THis increase made me think he was getting sick again... sure enough the MRI shows a pretty yucky sinus infection. The dr is putting him on 6 weeks of antibiotics... I am hopeful this will help keep the other symptoms under control. Also, the neurologist thinks Jon is having breakthrough seizures. He has staring episodes several times a day. So we increased his seizure meds. Other than that everything is good!

Now to the other exciting miracles of the day....

First, we left the drs office this afternoon ready to head home. It was early in the afternoon...plenty of time to beat traffic and make it home in time for Shawn to go to NAshville. Sure of our plans we all climbed into the van preparing to hit the road. What is that verse about how man plans his ways but God determines his steps???? Well, after one then two then 5o or so tries we came to the realization that our van was not going to get us out of the parking garage and on towards Knoxville. OUr van was broken down and we were stranded.

I will spare you all the chaotic details of trying to figure out how to get from point A to point B with 7 people when there is not a car rental place in town with a minivan available. There was so much that could have and was going wrong. But here is the good... immediately we started talking with the kids about how sometimes God allows things to delay us so that he can protect us. I got them all together and we prayed for God to fix the van but also to protect us and to provide for what we needed. It was short and sweet but oh so life changing! A peace descended upon my normally wild children. For several hours we sat outside the drs office and they were so good. Now came the blessings:

1. A person who Shawn works with who owns a transport company and also has a child with a brain tumor (who also goes to the dr we do in Atlanta) arranged to bring a tow truck to meet us and tow the van to Carmax in Atlanta. She was not willing to take any money. So Shawn and a man from the parking lot pushed the van all the way out of the garage.

2. While we were all sitting on the sidewalk eating lunch, a sweet lady came by and stopped and said we had well behaved children. I was thinking " you just caught them at a good moment". A few minutes later she came back through the parking lot to where we were and called me over to her car. She had no idea that we were stranded there. She said I want to give you something since your children are so well behaved. Of course I was like no, you don't need to do that. She said she knew she didn't have to but wanted to. In her hands was a piece of money folded up. I couldn't see how much it was and didn't look. She handed it to me and I thanked her telling her how God was using her to bless us. I shared the situation with Jonathan and the car. She left and I looked down at my hand. In it was a $100 bill!!!!!! Ok, friends, perfect strangers just don't go up and give someone $100!!!! But this lady was used by God. Oh, what fun I had in sharing how God worked with my children. I was so excited to tell them how God does provide. How God is so happy when we are willing to go through bad times so that he is able to show himself so big. IT was so awesome... the opportunity for them to see how God answered their prayers made the 3 hours of "trial" worth it completely!!!!

3. Ok, so now you are really going to laugh. After all this we finally figured out a plan. I would stay with the kids at the hospital where they would be cool and could watch disney. Shawn went back to stand near the van. He was going to catch a ride with the tow truck when they came to take the van to Carmax. When he got over to the van, he thought he would just try one more time to start the van and.... you know how it goes....it started right up!!!! So we jumped in the car and started the long ride home!

And guess what we made it home in God's timing and his way. Along the way we saw his providence, his love, his plan, and his protection. And even better I don't have to spend the evening alone... my sweet husband who did incredibly well at holding it together during this stressful day gets to skip Nashville!!!!! Yay!!!!

I am sure there will be more to share as the week goes on... I better go to sleep now... I have to work tomorrow.... not so sure lack of sleep and needles mix too well!!!!!

GOOD NEWS!!!!!

MOre details later but Jonathan's tumor is shrinking!!!!! Yes, shrinking....Praise God!!!

From the Streams in The Desert devotional for today:

Title: Trust in Spite of How it Looks
Author: Mrs. Charles E. Cowman
Source: Streams in the Desert
Scripture Reference: 1 John 5:4

"This is the victory that overcometh the world, even our faith" (1 John 5:4).

It is easy to love Him when the blue is in the sky, When summer winds are blowing, and we smell the roses nigh; There is little effort needed to obey His precious will When it leads through flower-decked valley, or over sun-kissed hill.

It is when the rain is falling, or the mist hangs in the air, When the road is dark and rugged, and the wind no longer fair, When the rosy dawn has settled in a shadowland of gray, That we find it hard to trust Him, and are slower to obey.

It is easy to trust Him when the singing birds have come, And their canticles are echoed in our heart and in our home; But 'tis when we miss the music, and the days are dull and drear, That we need a faith triumphant over every doubt and fear.

And our blessed Lord will give it; what we lack He will supply; Let us ask in faith believing--on His promises rely; He will ever be our Leader, whether smooth or rough the way, And will prove Himself sufficient for the needs of every day.

To trust in spite of the look of being forsaken; to keep crying out into the vast, whence comes no returning voice, and where seems no hearing; to see the machinery of the world pauselessly grinding on as if self-moved, caring for no life, nor shifting a hair-breadth for all entreaty, and yet believe that God is awake and utterly loving; to desire nothing but what comes meant for us from His hand; to wait patiently, ready to die of hunger, fearing only lest faith should fail--such is the victory that overcometh the world, such is faith indeed. --George MacDonald

This classic devotional is the unabridged edition of Streams in the Desert. This first edition was published in 1925 and the wording is preserved as originally written. Connotations of words may have changed over the years and are not meant to be offensive.

The pictures are a little fuzzy because Mya was in my arms so I couldn't hold very still. The flash doesn't adequately show his eyes (this picture doesn't either). I took this this afternoon. Jon has had a rough time this go around with his chemo. He has not felt well today at all. He woke up very pale and his eyes are funky... Shawn said he looks like a racoon. Pray for him to feel better tonight...

Jon had his chemo today. Thank you for your prayers for his iron levels. His hemoglobin has come up slightly! His tummy has started being affected by the iron pills... so pray that he will not have an upset tummy. Any kind of vomiting or diarrhea is not good for him at all.

I am so exicted about the next couple of weeks. There is a family who Shawn works with who is also going to Atlanta to see our neurologist. Their appt is actually at the same time as ours! I am always happy to get to connect with new people in similar situations as we are. So we may get to have dinner with them Monday night.

The kids don't know this yet but on Friday night we are going to a production by the Morristown Theatre Guild. They are performing High School Musical which is my children's all time favorite movie. It is going to be a huge surprise!!!!!!

Then in a couple of weeks Bibleman is going to be on tour in Alabama. We are making plans to go down there for the show. I really want Jonathan to get to go to this show. He is still so into Bibleman...still says he is going to be Bibleman when he grows up.

I guess we have no idea how long we have with Jonathan. Really none of us knows how long we have with each other here on this earth. We are choosing to live each day as fully as we can. So I am determined to have fun and capture these opportunities for great memories as they come our way!

Its official: I am now an "orientated" employee of Baptist Hospital. My orientation was this week...Shawn was out of town at a class for work. So the kids and I moved in with my mom and dad for a few days. It was such a blessing to know that my kiddos were in safe hands while I was gone. It was several long days and I was worried about leaving Mya for that long. Well she did amazingly well... it was probably good for her. This way she knows mom will always come back.

Thank you for your prayers this week. This was one of those times when I could just feel God's presence and protection and intervention. Everything just went so smoothly. I am excited... probably more than I should be. I kind of feel guilty for enjoying having another "occupation" besides mom. I know I shouldn't feel guilty. I am going to enjoy myself fully while I am gone and allow this opportunity to be the way God is going energize me for my calling as mother and wife.

Next week will be the scariest for me... I have only had pediatric patients. I only know how to use butterfly needles. I will have a full day at the hospital on Wednesday. I am nervous to say the least. But I can do this. I know I can. Give me a few weeks and I will be back to being good at it! I get to meet my new patients at 2 of the nursing homes on Thursday and Friday. One of the facilities is right across the street from where I live- how perfect is that????

In other news, Jonathan has chemo tomorrow. Hopefully, his iron level has improved. I will post what I find out. Then we leave on Monday for Atlanta. Jon has his MRI and oncology appt on Monday and then the four oldest have neurology appts on Tuesday. I am anxiously waiting to go to Atlanta. I want to know what is going on inside my child's brain.

I better run... we are off to the library, store and to take Britt to a birthday party.

Jonathan Update:

Jon had chemo today. Overall, he is still doing better than he was doing a few weeks ago. He has developed a rash next to his port site. We are not certain what it is...we are suspicious it is an allergic reaction to the needle being used to access the port. They have some new "safety" needles that have a plastic butterfly enclosure that looks very much like the outline of the rash. Pray that the rash will clear up quickly and not cause any complications.

Of greater concern is Jonathan's rapidly falling iron levels. His hemoglobin is 7.8 today. It is supposed to be at least 12. His actual iron level is very low. It is supposed to be above 49 and it is in the low teens. Please pray for his body to absorb the iron we are giving him. Pray for him to desire and eat the food that would give him iron naturally. Pray for him just to eat... he eats very little food.

This picture is from yesterday's July 4th festivities.... we had a picinic, marshmellows and fireworks at my aunts house. It was a good time for all of us. I was happy when Jon came out to join us for awhile.

I have added a new link on the right side of this page for Jonathan's official site. I thought this might be helpful to those of you who may only want the updates on his care and not every detail of our lives! =) I do hope that you will continue to visit this page as well.

To those of you who prayed for me concerning the job interview: Thank You! I got the job!!!!! I am very excited and nervous. I start Monday for orientation.

"You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry" Psalm 10:17

I don't know where to begin in sharing the way God has answered my prayers (and your prayers) these past few days. Once again I am truly amazed at how our God works. His gentleness and faithfulness to rescue his children and draw them close in his arms brings me such comfort. This verse really says what I have experienced this past week- the encouragement of God. Let me try and sum up the lessons etched on my heart this weekend:

1. Nothing that is happening to me is unique to me alone. Trials and temptations are "common" among us. I was really having a rough time emotionally this past week. Sometimes in the depths of despair I begin to think maybe there is something really wrong with me. I begin to think things are worse than they really are and tumble head first into a dungeon of despair and depression held captive by faulty perspective. This week I was reminded that I am joined in this battle to maintain God's perspective on our lives, our marriages, and our children by many others- a new friend unkowingly blessed me as she shared through her blog her struggles with the exact same thing, another friend reminded me that she too was struggling with the same thing at the same time as I was. My sister and I bonded over our same frustrations. I guess its been said "misery loves company" but in this case perhaps having company in our tough times is God's way of lifting us out of the depths of despair.

2. We are not meant to live life alone. I don't know about you but when this yuckyness comes I start withdrawing and isolating. I start thinking I am all alone. I dwell on it and become depressed. Little did I know that across town, my sister was having a rough week as well... and through both of us struggling God rescued us: we needed a break... so out loving husbands took over mommy duty for the day and we spent Saturday together shopping. It was wonderful and refreshing. Makes me think... God has given a way out. What would happen if I simply just told my husband I needed a break and took time away... and instead of feeling guilty or like I have to be supermom I just enjoyed it and viewed it as God's way of keeping me refreshed and effective as a mother and a wife... I am beginning to think that a regularly scheduled time away might be in the works!

3. As you know if you have been reading this blog for awhile, I have been really struggling with getting connected. Trying to start over in a new church has proven to be quite difficult... I know the difficulty has really been my fault. Hanging to too much hurt and scars in my heart has affected my obedience to God in this area. I hate that it has taken so long for me to work through the issues... so much time has been wasted. But I am ready now (and the time to work through stuff has given me a clearer vision) to do what God has called me to do. Pray for me please to be brave...my heart is still so "fragile" and weak when it comes to putting myself out there again.

If you have the chance listen to the two teachings by Chip Ingram entitled " You are not in this alone." You can get there by clicking on the Living on the Edge link on the right side of this page and going to the listen online section. This message was God's very loud whisper to me this past week. I know what I must do. It is so funny though- once my perspective was changed so many things became obvious to me.... I love to see God's hand in the everyday things especially when he works in an area of my heart. It was really just silly little things like being greeted by so many people at church. I know it was God. Just think the next time you say hello to someone at church you may be actually being used by God to change their day, or enabling them to boldly step forward and obey God's calling. I know those who said hello to me yesterday did more healing in my heart than they will ever know. Their simple greeting said: You are wanted here.

One last thing- I know some of you are here for updates about Jonathan....well surprise! This is all about life....Jonathan included. I hope you will stick around and come back frequently. Good news though... our prayers are being answered... I can't tell you that Jon's tumor is not growing...it could be, it might not be. But I can tell you that he appears more stable this past week. He had a sinus infection which finally got treated and seems to be doing better. So maybe he was just run down from the infection. We are keeping to original MRI date of July 16th so we will know more then. Please pray specifically for his iron level to come up. His levels keep dropping.

I have to run to the dr so this is it for now...thanks for walking this journey with me.